Sibling Rivalry: Muslim sisters and Muslim brothers
February 6, 2009 by Roberta D
Filed under Activism & Media
Can a white person teach African American studies? Can a man teach Women’s studies? Does a Muslim man have the right to speak about the rights and responsibilities of Muslim women? I weigh in with a “Yes” to all three!
You’ve seen it happen before. After prayers on Friday, after the MSA gender relations halaqa, at the conference you carpooled to attend because Shaykh So-and-So was speaking. A simple sentence or two from the speaker can be all it takes to set the sisters’ side of the room ablaze with discontent:
“Unless the shaykh is going to wear a scarf, he shouldn’t concern himself with how I wear mine.”
“I hate it when Muslim men talk about the way sisters dress — he has no right!”
“Why doesn’t he get on the brothers’ case for not wearing beards and kufis instead of picking on Muslim women?”
I’m going to say it plain: This has got to stop.
It’s easy, perhaps, to see where some of this rage originates. Maybe it’s frustration with the group of misogynist males that has led to the nearly instinctual reaction of some Muslimahs to shut out any male speeches giving advice to sisters, esp. on the topic of clothing. This is probably paired with uncertainty/guilt/confusion on the parts of sisters themselves on whatever the issues are, a culture of judging/tension between sisters over the same topics, and the general pressures of trying to maintain an Islamic identity in a minority context.
The problem with this is that such reactions just don’t jive with the Islamic ideal. When you look at the big picture, it hurts Muslim women instead of helping. Naseeha sometimes comes along with an inevitable bite of criticism. It might hurt sometimes, but we need to at least retain the ability to take the good and leave the bad.
Remember Malcolm X before he became El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz? He saw no place for white people in the struggle for the liberation of Black Americans, slamming the door on potential activists and supporters. He realized the error of his ways through making the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca and embracing orthodox Islam. Islam made the difference by broadening his vision, and we need to keep Islam in mind when building our communities and defining our place in them as women.
Pre-Hajj Malcolm X was angry, frustrated with the oppression of his brethren by some white people, and determined to achieve his civil rights goals “by any means necessary.” At Hajj though, he was inspired by the scene of Muslims of all different colors and backgrounds working together harmoniously toward a goal. He saw the power and the beauty in that. Then, he adjusted his message accordingly, eventually sacrificing his life. He still fought for civil rights and still held his line against white oppressors, but he no longer shut out those sympathetic to his cause who happened to be of other than African descent. Islam taught Malcolm better than that, and Islam teaches us Muslim women better than that, too. We need to evolve from Malcolm X to El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz.
What’s our broader vision here? The Islam-inspired, refined vision of Br. Malcolm was to attain rights for Black Americans while strengthening the Black community and fighting racism. It’s not reasonable or right to hold a prejudice against every Muslim male who dares to touch on the topic of Muslim women beyond saying, “You go, girl!” and commending the sisters for wearing hijab and representing Islam. Our vision should include Muslim men not as cheerleaders, but as teammates. We need to be clear with ourselves and in our communities about the goal we’re working toward, because unless we do, we can fall too easily into the trap that the Nation of Islam was (and remains) in. The history of Islam does not feature only women speaking on women’s issues any more than it only includes men speaking on men’s issues. Many academics have settled for the position of “an empathetic white person can teach and understand to a large extent the African American experience, but they cannot know it.” I think the same goes for us.
As Muslim women we need to represent and support one another, but also help the brothers in their role as Muslim men, by telling and teaching them what they need to do for us, and what they need to let us do for ourselves. A Muslim man will never know fully what it means to be a Muslim woman, but there are Muslim men out there who are pious, well-intentioned, and defend Muslim women’s rights and participation 100 percent. We should welcome the support and efforts of these brothers alongside our own on the path toward the full realization of the Islamically-vested rights, roles and responsibilities of Muslim women. But we must lead the way.
“And seek assistance through patience and prayer, and most surely it is a hard thing save for the humble ones” (Qur’an 2:45)
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Bismillah
as salamu ‘alaykum
Not only pious and well-intentioned but well learned. It’s about the knowledge that is being spread forth. If we know the message is right, then it is only our ego standing in the way when we refuse to accept it “cuz a brotha” said it.
I really enjoyed reading this, much more with your example of El Hajj Malik, Allah have mercy on him. One of the reasons that my own community isn’t so strong is because of this division that people themselves make. When a brother stands at the podium and gives a lecture on racism, you have a brother in the back who doesn’t agree because he feels he is more capable of speaking about it. Why can’t we take the good where it comes from if the message is what matters? How can we progress if we aren’t willing to listen but expect to be listened to?
Muslim women take offense easily by brothers speaking about the Islamic dress, or about motherhood, the importance of being a good wife, but how often do we speak about brothers being good men and role models? We must be fair. It happens in marriages as well. I speak from experience because sometimes my husband will remind me and I’ll say “but you don’t understand.” Why do I have to make it such a big deal and ignore the message? Something for me to ponder on.
“WalAAasr, Inna al-insana lafee khusr, Illa allatheena amanoowaAAamiloo assalihati watawasaw bilhaqqiwatawasaw bissabr.”
By the Time. Verily, Man is in loss. Except those who believe and do righteous deeds and recommend one another to the truth and recommend one another to patience.
wa `aleykum selam wa rahmatullah,
I agree with you about the knowledge. A lack of knowledge — and acting on knowledge — is a big problem. As someone who is married, what do you feel are ways in which husbands can help their wives/other Muslim women become empowered in their communities? I feel like a lot of times we also have this vague concept in our minds about how we want brothers to stand up and support us, when we haven’t even established what it is exactly we want. What do you think are ways we should be asking men to help?
MashaAllah I really love this article, Roberta!
I especially like the analogy of Muslim brothers and sisters as teammates. I’m trying to imagine why the Sahabah were so close-knit as an Ummah and community and one thing which comes to mind, especially from the Makkan period, was the urgency of their mission to establish La ilaaha ilAllah (there is no god but Allah) and work together to not be persecuted the Quraysh.
Today I feel like many of our communities are stagnant so we don’t appreciate or see the immediate need for working together as ONE UMMAH how we are supposed to be. In reality though, we also have an urgency today with Islamophobia on the rise and death being ever so close!
May Allah guide us and help us to support each other in our Ummah, ameen.
Thanks Zahra
. I think that in terms of women’s issues, a big problem leading to a lack of unity is that women’s issues aren’t seen as community-wide priorities. Many mistakenly think they’re relevant to women alone, or don’t take them seriously enough.
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Asslam Elykum,
great post informal artical .sharing a quick info that we now have our own islamic social network .Requesting to join to all brother and sisters from the globe .lests see how many we can gather .
Each of your sign up is a help to muslim ummah .
jazak ALLAH
Women Issues these days are mostly about women empowerment and equal rights among men…;
Mens issues are sometimes always concentrated on the ego of men.*;,
men’s issues are always about money, career and women. those sort of things.;”
women issues these days are more on equal rights with men and woman power””
mens issues are almost always rooted on women, money and power*~:
there are many issues that bothers men but most of it is related to men’s ego ;’*
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