Why I Avoid Other Muslims
February 9, 2009 by Guest Authors
Filed under Activism & Media
Khadijah K.
I am that other sister. The one that doesn’t wear hijab, doesn’t show up to the Muslim Student Union, and avoids most other Muslims like the plague. Why? I’m too honest with myself to put up a front and pretend to be someone else. I may be many kinds of sinner, but hypocrite is not on my list.
I’m a third generation Nigerian-American, born and raised Muslim – but I was not raised in a bubble. Culturally speaking I am 1000% American. That’s a fact. Here are a few more facts that are true not just for me, but many other Muslimahs who feel sidelined by their campus Muslim communities.
• Brothers aren’t the only ones who, you know, need to get married. Muslim women have hormones and desires and are just as susceptible to over-sexualized Western culture. Premarital sex is a reality and a temptation for both genders.
• I’m tired of being called a feminist (oh, how awful!), even jokingly. Wanting the community to be proactive about things like avoiding domestic violence is not feminism, it’s as Islamic as it gets. Wondering why all the halaqas have to be about the male companions and never any of the great Muslim women who taught and fought for the sake of God is not un-Islamic.
• I have my own limits to interactions with men, but I don’t panic whenever a male comes up and talks to me, and I’m not going to fake it. The awkward atmosphere of MSU events is a turn-off, and its sad that Muslims don’t know to be modest gracefully.
• Muslims are always trying to reinvent the wheel. I know Islam guides us to do good deeds, but honestly, why do we have to have our own charity drive, run our own environmental awareness campaigns, etc? We’re always trying to build mini organizations within the MSU instead of just joining up with people who are already out there, like Habitat for Humanity for example, and contributing to their good causes. Then, we expect every other group to support our cause and wonder why they don’t. We could do much more good and enjoy more solidarity with others if we changed this.
• I don’t have the luxury of sitting around and waiting for that perfect ‘rishta’ to come by. I’m a Black Muslim woman. Do you know what that means? It means that no matter how pious I am, how smart or pretty or docile, my dark skin and curly hair mean that most brothers will never consider me, because they believe Allah created me ugly. The Pakistanis and Indians, the Malaysians, the Arabs, nearly all of them have a race problem. Snow White Syndrome has also got the Black brothers chasing after non-Black women, so I’ll either have to settle for less than the man I deserve or I will have to keep fighting my biology and try my best to stay chaste for the rest of my life. I’m leaning toward the latter.
• Since I have a firm grasp on my reality, I am not into sister’s halaqas on marriage or motherhood or how to pick the right brother or choose a major and a career that will make it easy for me to take care of my children and home later in life. I have to choose something that inshAllah will provide sustenance for me and will allow me to take care of my parents when they’re old.
• I feel the MSU wants me to come out, but doesn’t want me to be involved. Just because I don’t wear a scarf and am not interested in girly halaqa topics doesn’t mean I can’t contribute. But I’m not going to fight to help out with an organization that looks down upon me. I’d rather join the secular Arabs in Students for Justice in Palestine and help out there, or volunteer at the local soup kitchen run by a church.
I know there are so many Muslims who can make lists five times as long as mine for why they avoid other Muslims. There are so many issues as to why there are those folks you just can’t seem to rope in for your events.
I have some humble suggestions for making our communities more inclusive:
• Recognize Diversity. Make sure that the MSU is about the Muslim community and not culture. Not everybody is the same. Everyone has different struggles, but one of the beautiful things about Islam is that it protects us from ourselves and guides us through the harsh reality of life. Islam keeps it real.
• Don’t Assume. Don’t assume that the person who doesn’t show up to a halaqa or lecture wouldn’t be super interested in leading the political action committee. People have different interests and talents, and you’ll never know if you just assume things. The Muslim community will suffer more than the person who will just use their talents elsewhere.
• Just Ask. If you don’t know why someone never shows up to events, just ask them to be honest and let you know why they don’t come around. Ask with the intention of finding out why your community isn’t as open as it should be.
• Diversify activities. Organizing events with other campus groups is a good way to make sure you’re staying away from events that have an excessive focus on Islamic lectures or philosophy. Also, you’ll be more effective by sharing resources and not building everything from scratch unnecessarily.
(13 votes, average: 3.62 out of 5)
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WOW, sister that’s alot buuuttt Khadijah let me just say your reasoning for wearing hijab and being involved in MSU is NOT for other people but to please your CREATOR…I feel you, it’s HARD when you have to prove your Islam to other and try to walk in the light from someone else perspective. If I was a Muslimah for other people, I would have came out of my gear a long time ago…Instead I cover fully including my face. I get more stares from Muslims than non-Muslims.
BUT, I cover for ALLAH, I try to assist to please ALLAH, I pray to ALLAH before I associate with other sister so that I am guided to someone on there deen.
I agree, Muslims for other countries have there ideas, I agree the brothers are still blinded,I agree some sister try to teach you THIER ISLAM but, my sister, do not let someone take your away from ALLAH. You will have to account for not doing what you know ALLAH wants you to do.
All we or let say, all I can do is be the best Muslimah I can be and YES, it is very hard working with some sisters…but do not let them strip you, cover yourself with PRAY, cover yourself with KNOWLEDGE and most of all cover yourself to protect yourself…Love you for the sake of ALLAH
Khadijah
Oh Yeah,
Everyone who is reading don’t stand in judgement…take a look at yourself and see if this refers to you…
I see where your coming from but your not all right. I am not part of MSU but in college I am part of MSA. We do go to soup kitchen and stuff but when you say why don’t we help Habitat for Humanity? We should at the same time what the population in the sates is all christian they all have many organizations helping each other and stuff,not many people are helping our Muslim brothers and sisters out there. Not many organizations will send money for our Muslims in Gaza. Also in terms of the guys liking snow white, its true but not will all of them. If a guy wants a girl for her looks only then so be it that means his character alone isn’t good enough for you. Allah has a destiny and a plan for all of us and when its time for you to get married he will send you the right man inshallah. Don’t think so negatively because that’s all that will happen to you. It’s about your state of mind. I used to be like that but it didn’t help, I don’t like thinking positive because it means disappointment but that didn’t help me at the end now I just wish the best from Allah. I attend a halaqa and an usrah, both once a week. My usrah is considered a sisterhood we learn about islam but its mostly about forming that bond with a certain group of like 5 ppl. My halaqa is great we don’t talk about marriage, we are learning Islam from the beginning and then moving up from there, not everything has to be all girl and about marriage.
-I probably mad many mistakes while typing and stuff but I actually g2g to class. Salam, have a good day
Excellent article masha’Allaah. I see that happening alot especially in Universities/Colleges. We, Muslims, tend to be anything but inclusive sometimes. We focus so much on giving da`wah to non-Muslims yet we have certain intricacies within ourselves that need to be worked on. Does it really make sense to invite a non-Muslim to Islaam, be kind and gentle toward them, and yet be a total opposite when it comes to dealing with your own?
Excellent response to an intriguing article.
Excellent piece!
holla sister…..as african-american sister still in college I know exactly the drama your going through…mashallah you were able to articulate it better than me but yea your not alone in your thoughts.
Assalamu Alaikum.
Just read your post, thought I might comment a bit, thats what a blog is for right?
I’m a muslim, just as you are, and ALLAH(SWT) tells us in the quran that practice makes perfect, trying to be a better person- a better muslim, is not hypocritical, nor is it trying to be what you are not.
No matter where you are or what surrounds you, you are a muslim, well…if you choose to be. Every man on this earth, weather he or she willingly submits to the will of ALLAH(SWT) or not has his owns tests, and we all will either fail them by not doing anything at all or try to get through them.
Whether you’re Nigerian, Nigerien, Sudani, Masri, Maghrebi, Somali, saudi or paki, you’ll find the test of life isn’t so simple that one has the option of being raised within a bubble of purity.
Any kind of Interaction between men and women is bound to lead to some sort of attraction, its the nature of our bodies, and the nature of this test. This is the reason Men AND women have the hejab. To let show what only one needs to show, and to act in ways that aren’t wasteful.
You should be more active in your MSA, there are many great stories of women who fought in or even led armies, in muslim history.
Women who embodied the power of women, women like Maryam(AS), Fatima(AS), and Khadejah(AS). They were not only the pillars of their families as the muslim woman is, but they were the pillars of their tribes, their people, their faith.
Hejab isnt just a headscarves its a way of interacting, limiting interaction with men is a good start for a female muslimah in a western country to get a hold of her iman.
Most muslim organizations I know of try to interact with nonmuslim organizations, but you have to keep in mind that Islam tells us which path is best, which way bears more fruit, etc. If we see a group that takes up a just cause lets say PETA? We would want to help them, but because of the things that they do, Naked campaigns, etc., its outside the bounds THAT A MUSLIMS SETS FOR HIS/HERSELF. Therefore a separate organization that is within those shared islamic bounds is required.
It would be rude of us to want to change them wouldn’t it?
As an african muslim brother, I dont share your sentiments, maybe our community is just more mixed, but Islam set out to eliminate the race problem. If you seek a pious muslim brother, then I’m sure you’ll find happiness, the thing is, you just can’t settle. But in order to find a pious muslim brother who obeys the rules of islam and sees you as beautiful as the bounds of your iman, you’ll have to work on yourself.
Its not about looks in islam, not when it comes to muslims seeking each other out. It begins with Iman, and ends with Iman.
The Islamic method is best for the muslims. A woman is the pillar of her family, after marriage inshallah, your husband will also share the burden of taking care of your parents.
As with other issues, before blamming others, look inside yourself, you can’t cling to a secular lifestyle and want muslims who put deen above all else to flock to you.
If you prefer the company of “secular” people, than those are the people you’ll find yourself around. If you wish to learn more about the deen, then inshallah you’ll find yourself surrounded by fellow seekers of truth.
As for your list, I’d say follow your own advice. Don’t assume those interested in the halaqas are hypocrites, dont assume women wear the scarf to make themselves seem more religious.
There are people out there who seriously want to be the best muslims they can. Are you one of them?
Inshallah we’ll all be walking the straight path by judgment day.
The only route for a muslim is Islam. You can’t shun that and expect it all to just come together.
The test of life is not easy. Its a long perilous rode that requires, struggle, struggle and even more struggle to get to the end.
Allahu Alim.
Assalamu 3Alaikum.
Wa `aleykum selam wa rahmatullah,
Jazakum Allahu khayran for your response. The sister is currently on Umrah with her father, so I’m guessing she won’t be able to respond anytime soon. I spoke with her at length before she submitted this piece, though, so I just want to address a couple of things in your response insha’Allah.
My brother, although I’m sure you had the best of intentions, you make a couple of assumptions that aren’t true. The main thing is assuming that the problem is the sister and not her organization. While, like all of us, she has her faults, it’s also of great importance that Muslim community organizations perform a bit of introspection and see why and how it is that some Muslims end up feeling like outsiders in their own community. The sentiment of being an “other” in a Muslim community is stronger than most activists may think, it’s just not discussed much because the people being isolated (by their communities or by themselves) are often in the minority in one way or another.
A big thing: The sister in this piece doesn’t espouse a “secular lifestyle” as you called it. She doesn’t “shun Islam.” But she feels that her efforts are better spent and appreciated in non-Muslim circles, which is a shame. Not participating in her MSA or wearing hijab doesn’t make her more secular than religious, that’s an awful, erroneous assumption to make. She recently finished memorizing the Qur’an, masha’Allah, she’s making umrah right now and she does benefit the Muslims in other ways, masha’Allah. I think it’s really unfortunate that MSA-ers often make the base assumption that those not in the MSA have something to gain from joining it (which I agree with), but don’t think that the MSA will gain from their participation (which I think is often also true).
“The test of life is not easy. Its a long perilous rode that requires, struggle, struggle and even more struggle to get to the end.” May Allah swt guide and aid us, ameen.
Salaam wrt,
Just thought you’d be interested in the discussion of your article on another forum:
http://www.islamicaweb.com/forums/culture-society/11390-why-i-avoid-other-muslims.html
Salam sister,
This is a very profound writing… I am going through the same thing here in the US. As much as the hijab can be of concern among Muslimahs, I believe that at the end of the day, Allah knows best for us and our good deeds and actions are not for others to judge.. but Allah
Salaam sister! Great article, thanks for sharing!!! I didn’t really read all the comments, but I did notice that some of them would be another reason to avoid other Muslims.
Keep being yourself and don’t care what other people think.
So…these days it’s all about ‘intentions’ eh? While it’s true that you may have been looked down upon your lack of hijab. BUt, does that justify your “not” wearing hijaab?
Islam is a deen (remember the days when people used to talk about “islam’ as a “way of life”)….so lemme bring some memories back from those days…Sister when you choose to follow Shari’ah holistically, it is only then Allah ‘azza wa jall shows His “ways” to you and others. Muslims need to collectively repent- otherwise all this change talk is utter bull.
@lyallpuri: jazakum Allahu khayran for demonstrating yet another recurring community flaw: judging Muslim women based on whether or not they wear the hijab. you’ve cruised past all of the points the sister made in her piece, unable to get past the first paragraph when she said she didn’t wear the hijab. Nothing else she says is of value to you, and you feel you can now judge her and accuse her of ignoring shariah and trusting in her own intentions and ‘justifying’ her not wearing hijab. Where does the sister say she thinks it’s okay for her not to wear the hijab? You’re putting words into her mouth, and in this instance it’s slander (well, libel).
Assalamu ‘alaikum,
Oh no sister “Roberta”, I’m not being judgemental at all. Needless to state the obvious, but since this point is oft ignored I will restate it:
a) In islam we cannot judge people’s “intentions”, because that’s a matter of heart. However, we do judge people by their “actions”…innamal a’amalu bil niyaat (actions are but intentions), and this is part of our “imaan” (remember this term?…somethingelse from the 90s
). So, it only logically follows that actions are mere manifestations of our intentions.
Hence, if someone is contravening an aspect of shari’ah, we don’t go around saying “oh we don’t know their intentions” so let’s just ignore their actions. Of course, we should seek to understand why they don’t follow a “definite” and “mutawatir” part of shari’ah. Hikmah in da’wah is one thing, and “Sari’ ruling” another. Even if a person was the nicest being on face of earth, yet they contravened one definite ijmaai’ aspect of Shari’ah he/she’d still be “fasiq” in the eyes of Islamic Law. If you don’t accept this you’re slandering the Shar’ of Allah.
So yes any muslim has the right to proclaim and defend the Shari’ stance on certain act. So, if someone is not wearing hijaab, ofcourse it is perfectly acceptable to call them out, and this is what we’re commanded.
To give you an example straight of fiqh books, and something given your liberal standards that are not derived from shari’ah, you may find “shocking”. Scholars of Hanbali madhhab state that a man who shaves his beard is a “faasiq” and praying behind him is invalid. I mention this to illustrate my point. Your line of logic doesn’t work. Why? Let’s say for instance we see someone committing an act of kufr…we should desist from condemning them because we don’t know their “intentions”?! Of course not, we see the action, and we judge based on that.
As for correcting the “action”, this is where hikmah (wisdom) plays the role- we should approach the person in best of manners, and explain what’s “right” to them.
In islam personal piety is as important as collective action, and as I’ve alluded in my previous comment, if there is no personal piety collective actions can never be corrected. We cannot expect MUSLIM SOCIETY to correct “itself” whn we cannot even follow our Rabb’s commandment. We gotta ask ourselves “What are we in for it?” Some psuedo-activism, or to please Allah?
Now, I’m sure the sister who wrote the article could be more pious than any of the commenters here, and she could well be more closer to Allah on accounts of her actions that we do not know of- but nahi ‘an al-munkar, as scholars mention is a duty of every muslim even if they be sinners “themselves”. So, yes I know my flaws and I’m not pointing out others’ flaws, I’m only stating the obvious.
And, please don’t be so concieted as to think that I’ve missed the points in her articles. Quite frankly, even if the points hold much truth (and I know how much red tape there can be in MSAs), they’re “irrelevant”. Why again? Well, it’s quite simple; I’ve a hard time believing someone who is so concenred about the community and it’s ills cannot even do as much as following a simple commandment of ISLAM?! Ironic isn’t it. I know this something you find hard to register in your brain, as relativism is the rule of the day…but I’m sorry this is Islam, we can’t claim to follow islam if we’re not following it. Furthermore, I can’t even give her an excuse since she’s not even a “new” muslim, in her own words she’s third generation born and raised ‘muslim’. So, what’s preventing her from following a simple commandment of islam?
I’m sorry but I simply can’t take someone seriously when they don’t even show willingness to implement “islam” in their own lives. It would’ve been better if she had pointed out her own flaws with the flaws of the community, a community is only but a collection of individuals. And I stress this point again and again, if individuals can’t change then community can’t change.
Again sorry for bringing a reminder from that “book” which sits on your shelf. Please do remember the ayah, that Allah will not change a state of people until they change themselves?!
Yes. Let’s just implement that first- one doesn’t jump into the fighting ring without “prepration”. Let us clean our own backyards first.
(p.s. I’m sorry if this rant in any way hurts your liberal sensitivites…)
wa `aleykum selam wa rahmatullah,
You seem to have an interest in Islamic knowledge masha’Allah, as you’re throwing around religious terms left and right. But a bit of advice from one muslim to another. Alhamdulillah, in Islam we’re obligated to speak out about evils we see. However, when giving sincere naseehah there is also an adab that goes along with this. And this is not just about being nice, but it’s actually a method to make your naseehah better and increase the chance that your listener will heed what you have to say. Look at the example of Ibraheem (as), and look at his mannerisms when giving dawah. Look at how the Prophet asws dealt with the believers. If you’re giving sincere naseehah for the sake of Allah swt, doing things like putting people’s names in quotation marks (have no idea why you did that), implying that a fellow Muslim doesn’t know what iman is or doesn’t value it or considers it outdated, insultingly accusing of liberal sensitivities, saying that things are ‘hard to register in your brain as relativism is the rule of the day’…. Is this what you consider good adab? Is that honestly the best you can do in speaking kind words of naseehah? You think that you’re repping Islam properly by speaking in this manner? You yourself spoke of hikmah, but you don’t seem to be exercising any.
i’m surprised you didn’t put your salaams to me in quotation marks!
Another brief point is that Allah swt tests us all in different ways. Subhanallah, between the dunya, our nafs and shaytan, everyone is tempted by different things. For some people it’s fornication. For some it’s hijab. For others it’s lying. For some it’s arrogance, or making the correct intentions. For some people it’s giving charity. For others still it’s things like arguing, or being unable to speak a kind word to a fellow Muslim. You are choosing one act — fardh as it is, the hijab — and judging someone’s entire Islam based on that. What seems simple to you may not be simple for others. And if you think everything is simple and you’re doing fine … then you need to check yourself. If you can’t take the sister seriously because she doesn’t wear hijab, then fine, don’t take her seriously. Just ignore this whole thing then and don’t waste your time on something you don’t take seriously. You’ve done your duty to call her out on the hijab (even though she called herself out really), no need to go on insulting me without any basis. Say alhamdulillah and walk away from a situation where you’re probably not doing any good at all.
Your sister in Islam,
Roberta
salams again,
You know what’s the fun in ‘pleasantries’ when we’re gonna have a go at each other? Masked sarcasm isn’t fun at all. I insulted your intelligence, you can mine. Very simple- but to use that as a way to ‘circumvent’ a legit concern isn’t cool at all. I was throwing around ‘words’, well DUH I WAS! It’s the added dramatic effect that counts…(but really I’m not good at that). (and no I don’t have any proficiency in islamic knowledge…im only a layman).
Secondly, yes there’s excellent example in da’wah of Ibrahim (as), when he mashed up their idols…who would do that today? In the name of maslaha even shirk is fine…
And yes there’s excellent example in Life of Sayyidina Muhammad sal Allahu ‘alayhi wassalam aswell, who had some extremely harsh words for those who didn’t pray in jama’ah (and mind you I myself am one of those hypocrites), that if he could he’d burn their houses down (of course he was trying to point out to severity of their acts)…how many of you would use such wordss today? Again in the name of maslaha even sunnah takes the back seat.
Thirdly, I wasn’t giving ‘nasheeha’ (although I should’ve as deen is naseehah), but I dunno where’d you got the idea from…I was only ranting in response to a rant by someone who flees from muslims like the ‘plague’, which is indicative of her own insecurities, and her own unwillingness to deal with her own flaws than anythingelse. So, she decides to reduce the guilt trip by putting part of the blame on MSA….
…Anyway, your response with useless rhetoric of how each of us ‘have’ different struggles, is what I was expecting. Ofcourse, we have our own struggles to deal with, but is that an excuse to not point out a wrong.
It’s funny how you ignored my main concern, that I called her out on her hijab, precisely because people need to change themselves first before they talk about changing the community. Why should one even worry about MSA, when they can’t follow commandments of Allah themselves…and yes this doesn’t register in your brain (sorry for being harsh), because I think we’ve been desensitized to the point where we don’t think leaving off faraaidh as something serious at all (it’s obvious from your response…). Anyway, I wasn’t expecting a fruitful discussion on this issue anyway…when people are confused about shari’ah their da’wah will also be based upon confusion. And it’s all confusion upon confusion.
But sorry, I don’t think this is the right platform for me to vent anyway (had seen the link on MM, and checked this place out a couple of times…).
I hope I don’t comment here again, kills the heart.
Barak Allahu ta’ala feekum.
She’s got her flaws…
and I have mine…and you know, you have your flaws. One of our problems is when someone criticizes us instead of looking to benefit from it, we go on the offensive. Who is she to say anything about me or my organization if she doesn’t even…x or y.
We’ll only gain from self-reflection and improving our organizations. IF a non-muslim criticized our management skills or something, we would listen whole heartedly and take it as constructive. Take what you can from the sister’s experience , however biased you might think it is, she is obviously not alone. If we’re alienating her, there are others out there that didn’t write about it.
Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu
I agree with most of the article. But this article shows another set back in our community. To a reader, it seems the problem the author has are not directly because of what other muslims have done to her, but rather her guilt.
Before I became practicing, I felt very guilty for not wearing hijab, for not praying but just could never get motivated enough to do anything about it. So what did I resort to, to deal with that guilt? Bashing those who were able to do those things. “Even though I dont wear hijab, at least i’m not as bad as that hijabi” It’s our way of dealing with it. To make ourself feel better about the things we just dont have the courage or the strength to do- yet, we pick on the ones who do.
Realize that a sin is serious. Period. It’s openly disobeying Allah. You can’t get upset because someone judged you on that. If you found out someone committed zina openly, or someone backbites openly, wouldn’t you lose respect for them. If it was well known that this person is openly disobeying Allah, would you allow them to represent the Muslims as a whole? We are all sinners. But there’s a difference between sinning and sinning OPENLY. Hijab goes under that.
That is not to say that you shouldn’t be respected. If i were to meet you, i’d give you the same respect as anyone else. But yes, as a consquences of any sin in the world, you will get judged according to any action that is apparent. You can be better than anyone in the world, but as humans we judge by whats apparent, automatically. I hope the author or others get the idea. I’m not bashing the author at all. But I dont like when we sugar coat our sins by bashing others people’s sins.
Yes, we do got problems. The practicing muslims who are also active in MSA. Please read this tafsir (http://tafsir.com/default.asp?sid=9&tid=21538), and make sure none of us fall under this. This is where a Muslim became a disbeliever by only making fun of believers. If you say anything, like the niqaabis are the worst, you may fall under this ayaah, because we are associating a command of Allah with a negative quality of a person. So be careful in how you phrase your problems with other muslims.
wa `aleykum selam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
jazaki Allahu khayran for your comments, especially the section from Ibn Kathir — very, very relevant. I don’t think the sister’s intentions were to cover her sins by bashing other people’s sins, wa Allahu `alam. I think that her primary intention was to point out problems she sees in her community. But certainly, while a couple of them are related to hijab, certainly not all of them are. insha’Allah one day soon she will wear the hijab — it’s what she wants and prays for Allah swt to guide her heart toward, and insha’Allah that will happen. masha’Allah, one thing I can say about this sister that I do not see in a lot of Muslims is that even if she is committing sins, as we all do, she does not give herself excuses or justify it. She calls out what’s wrong as wrong and what’s right as right. May Allah swt give us the steadfastness to act according to what we know on matters big and small, and may Allah swt protect us from being the hypocrites with whom He is displeased, ameen.
Bismillah
as salamu ‘alaykum
It is difficult for me to read articles like this because of the generalizations made. The title itself is too negative.
The first paragraph states:
There were better ways to write this to get the attention needed for action. I read it and I feel like you, Sister Khadijah, are pointing the finger at everyone else and calling them hypocrites. I’m not saying this is what you meant but there are better ways.
A very important step that we miss when we are angry and upset at our communities (I’ve been there – trust me) is starting with ourselves. I have had complaints about certain people in the community, groups, etc. When I know it is too much for me to try and change I just stay out of it and go my own way, find things that will benefit me and my family, etc. When I want to take part I think of things that I can do myself to improve the situation. It can start with the change of mentality and not being so negative. It can be a smile. It can be the throwing of ideas to the board (the MSA, the Masjid, Local Halaqa, Friend gathering, etc).
I do like that there were ideas at the end but I just feel that the point will be missed because of how the topic was introduced and how some things were said.
I agree with you, Umm Layth, that the article could’ve been written better, but it’s a reality that people are often upset, hurt, bitter, angry, sad, emotional in situations like these. Try to think about this in terms of real-life and not just cyberspace. Community leaders (such as the members of MSA boards) have to be able to address complaints and the discontent of people who are upset about things. While sabr and a slew of other character traits are things we all need to work on, the reality is that leaders and activists have to deal with upset people. Alhamdulillah, people get upset because they care in one way or another. But I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable/realistic to expect people to express every opinion or voice every complaint in a completely non-emotional, passive way. Yes, her piece started out negatively, but that’s a reflection of the negativity of the situation. We’re not building dollhouses here, this is serious stuff. There’s also the choice on the receiving end whether or not to disregard what the person has said or ‘miss their points’ because they don’t like the negativity. That’s fine for you or me as readers of this piece on this site, but people in positions of influence don’t have that choice, because leaders have a responsibility. From years of MSA experience, let me tell you, this is definitely one of the nicer pieces of criticism written, with more adab than is usual. That’s the reality on the ground. I can’t wait till she gets Internet access again insha’Allah to see what she has to say
Whoa. Are her arguments not legitimate because she doesn’t wear hijab?
Well, as a hijabi, I have def felt this way when attending MSA. Actually, I remember I went to an event with a girl as a freshman, I noticed that not only was I the only black person there, that all the sisters (they were desi) that spoke, only spoke to my friend (who is desi). These are real issues with SOME (yes some, please don’t say how your MSA is sooo great and doesn’t do this) not ALL MSAs. I don’t think they actually knew how alienating they were.
The good thing my MSA did was actually have discussion groups about why some Muslims don’t come, why there is so little diversity, why only hijabis/bearded Muslims come. Address the issue, don’t attack the one who has highlighted them.
That’s awesome masha’Allah that the MSA had a discussion like that. It takes a lot to open up discussion on sensitive issues like that, because there’s a lot of pent-up emotions and frustrations there and it can get out of control. A good move though. How did it go, did you feel it was productive?
Her arguments are totally legit. But you also have to make sure how you bring about your points. My whole problem with the article has to do with more of how its written–not what’s written. If you seem aggressive or give off too much negativity, instead of people pondering over it, they will go into defensive.
Suggestion: Maybe the title could have been along the line of how MSA are not practicing Adab. It could be a hadith about real brotherhood. Part of an ayah. It would also help if she did not start talking about hypocrites right from the beginnings.
Just like she is a sinner (and us too), so are those who are in the MSA. So to call those sinners ‘hypocrite’ and saying it with certainty that “i’m not”…Again it tone ” me versus them” . WE ARE MUSLIMS. We believe in Allah We love Him. InshAllah. Even though sister Khadija disagrees with MSA or whatnot, she is still part of us. I know people have made her feel otherwise. She is part of our “family”. Her feelings and thoughts and opinions are just as important. So inshAllah , i hope when she writes her next piece, she takes that into account. That just like she is part of us, we are part of her.
Rereading my post, it may come across that I am being harsh in saying that the only reason sister Khadija is upset is because she feels guilty. Sorry if I gave that impression, it was not my intent but I was learning in my writing class, that the beginning and the end sets the tone of everything.
“The one that doesn’t wear hijab, doesn’t show up to the Muslim Student Union, and avoids most other Muslims like the plague”
That line is way too strong and can speak volume about the person, especially said in the beginning.
Also the title “Why I avoid other Muslims?” Honestly if a person is avoiding Muslims, then who are they with? Non Muslims? Alone? If they are with the kuffar, how can that be better? The ones who disbelieve in Allah, and the one who commit the worsts of sins like shirk? Because our brothers and sisters aren’t perfect, we leave them for the worst of people? If we are alone, that is also not good. As it in encouraged in islam to not be alone. We all need companions in this path, and we need those who will help us get better.
We have to start with ourselves. I’m not saying it’s easy. I myself have a very hard with people. Mostly because people dont understand Islam very well. Just because they are ‘religious’ and have attended few al maghrib classes, they feel they can walk with their eyes sticking out, judging everyone. You can’t go around bashing and judging without giving any love.
Sister Khadija, I really hope you dont’ get offended by what i have said. Your article opened our eyes to a lot of things. The problems you are talking about are in our community and there has to be some way of solving them. May Allah give us hidaaya and the strength to do what pleases Allah.
ameen
Assalam o alaykum, I echo african brother’s comments.
To add my own, muslims who differentiate between someone based on their colour (especially when it comes to marriage) have no idea what they are doing. This is very pathetic. nas’alAllah u afwa wal afia.
I heard a story not too long ago. The Prophet(SAW) once asked his companions “Should one of you desire to marry a woman from the people of Paradise, let him marry Umm Ayman”.
Umm Ayman(May Allah be Pleased with her) was an Abyssinian slave! Zayd bin Harith took the opportunity and immediately married Umm Ayman. Their son Usama bin Zayd was a great mujahid and he also had a complexion similar to his mothers’.
The Prophet(SAW) loved Usama alot. He would sit in the Prophet(SAW)’s lap. The Quraish did not like this and they would say to him ” We can accept anything but this we cannot accept!”
SubhanAllah!
It is Islam that gives a person a position close to Allah not colour. We must fear Allah when it comes to these issues because surely we will be questioned about this. Wallah u musta3an!
This is a very good article. One mechanism that MSA/MSU’s can employ to combat this feeling of alienation is the buddy system; where people pair up with each other (of the same gender) and spend time with each other, check up to see how things are going, and to bring them to events!
Also, it’s very very very important (I remind myself first) for us all to be in a continual state of improvement with regards to our iman/deen. Don’t let MSA/MSU group dynamics stop you from achieving this state of perpetual self-improvement!
May Allah swt make it easier for all of us, ameen!
Also, MS groups should be setting an example on campus. People should look up to them for their integrity and their warm welcoming demeanor. On the day of judgement, who is going to be judged when a non-muslim testifies that he/she was pushed away from Islam after seeing the petty bickering/group elitism an MSA might be exhibiting? If anyone sees someone being marginalized in the muslim community, it’s their obligation to come forward and remedy the situation.
To the author of this post, I say this: We all struggle, so just keep this small point in mind as you lament: Whatever choices you make, you will be called to account for them on the Day of Judgment…when you will be standing alone, with no MSA, with no “girly halaqa” attendees, and with no hijabis to point to for making you feel left out… It will be just you and your soul…and the deeds you earned to purify it or sully it.
And if you avoid Muslims “like the plague,” reflect on this well known Islamic wisdom that we learn from the Sunnah, regarding our affair in the Hereafter… “You will be with those whom you love”
Now, ask yourself, whom do I want to be with in the Hereafter?… The “nice” disbelievers in the soup kitchen, or the “flawed” believers in the MSA? …And base your decisions in life on that, and that alone.
with love,
your sister in Islam
I say this and I speak for many a people from all corners of the world: This article and website in general is nothing short of utter rubbish.
I might even start a website to take it apart and put it in it’s place.
Seriously.
I thought it was really interesting that in one of the posts someone said
“We are all sinners. But there’s a difference between sinning and sinning OPENLY. Hijab goes under that.”
I think that if we are only afraid of sinning openly, then that falls under hypocrisy. The hijab is a very personal choice and NO ONE has a right to tell you that you are all of a sudden a horrible muslim for not putting it on. We have NO right to judge- for that is just ignorant- ignorant of you to think that you have the ability to do something that GOD has kept for the Day of Judgement.
If anything I think that MSAs or MSUs have a responsibility to make sure that everyone knows that they are welcome. We need to make sure that our organizations are not isolating at all- because the more people that we open our arms to, the more people that open their hearts to God.
I stopped practicing Islam for two years in fear of the fact that I was being hypocritical (praying when I was at a friends house and not when I was at home- talking to guys when I was in classes but not at MSA events) and its something that I struggled with for many years. Sadly I wasnt only avoiding Muslims, but it went to a much deeper level where I was avoiding God.
Today I question every action that I do and make sure that I am doing it for God and only for God.
Salaam,
I want to thank you for writing such a beautiful article. It is much appreciated. I’ve often noticed Muslim women being marginalized by their fellow Muslims just because they don’t wear hijaab. I’ve seen Muslims feeling as if they’re not welcomed in Mosques, MSA meetings, and Islamic conventions due to the judgmental behavior of certain Muslims. This really saddens me and although I’m not a woman, I found that I could really empathize with what you have written here.
There have been times when I’d be accused of “promoting haram” or “having a lack of understanding” about Islam just because I was speaking from a school of thought that was unfamiliar to them. Often times, I’ve noticed that when certain Muslims say “our Ummah is so disconnected,” they’re pretty much saying that “Muslims are divided, they need to more like US.” Rather than talking about uniting the Muslims DESPITE their DIFFERENCES, many seem too busy pointing out the flaws of “other Muslims.”
I don’t like the idea of myself being perceived as an “other Muslim.” I don’t like the fact that some Muslims speak to me as if I haven’t read the Qur’an, studied it (and continue to study it), studied Islamic history, theology, mysticism, and other interpretations like Shia and Sufi perspectives. Instead I get accused of trying to “change” Islam for “my own benefits” and “desires.” I find these responses to be very insulting and judgmental, especially when I make many efforts to understand my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters.
The message of Islam is UNITY. We need to open our arms to each other and discourage this “holier than thou” kind of behavior. The best example for us to follow is the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and he was a man who demonstrated true compassion and friendship to everyone. When he heard another man call someone a kafir, the Prophet said, “how do you know? Did you rip open his heart and look at what was in it?” The inward state of a human being is known to no one but Allah alone. Let’s leave it at that and stop judging.
Sorry. You don’t wear hijab and expect a proposal?! And you seem to blame the community for this. The problem is with you. Why should others have to lower their religious standards to accommodate you?
I have to say that I *really* understand where this sister is coming from. As a new muslimah, I have encountered some of the same things, not at an MSA/MSU, but through the masjid and local muslim organization. I had a woman who was soliciting others for a muslim event, skip over me when passing out flyers, when I questioned her, she feinged surprise at the fact that I was a muslim (I was wearing a hijab at the time this happened). There is a ***LOT** of racism in Islam and the only way that it will ever get fixed is if we start calling people to the carpet on it.
Asslamu alaykum,
Your post hit the ball out of the park!! It’s so refreshing to hear someone else voice the opinions not many Muslim women seem to express. May Allah swt reward you for your individuality. I haven’t read the other responses to your post, but I just want to say that independendent thinking does not make someone a bad Muslim. It should be congratulated.
All the best and feel free to drop me a line.
asa
I’m a revert myself and while I used to wear hijab I have decided that it’s not for me. However, if I go to jummah prayer I wear hijab out of respect. If I go to a sisters nikkah I wear hijab out of sensitivity for my sister. This in no way makes me a hipocrite and I have nothing to hide. I feel it’s a shame that sisters who do not wear hijab often will keep their distance from the ummah. Our communities need to begin recognising more diversity and accepting it as well.