This is a quote that I had put up on my Facebook status as some motivation for myself. First of all, this status was not posted as an attack to anyone in specific, but rather a reminder to all of my Muslim brothers and sisters, and to myself. It’s not just for sisters because sometimes this is a tendency that is common among some brothers as well.

Marriage comes with a LOT of responsibilities, and especially for the sister, it is a lot of new responsibilities, including things such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of husband, children, and juggling work and school all at the same time. However we know that da’wah is encouraged, if not obligated (however you look at it) for every Muslim. In fact, some scholars say that one of the reasons we are allowed to stay in a Non-Muslim country is by doing da’wah.

Now coming to da’wah and practical steps and examples:

1. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. One of the best ways we can do da’wah is by supporting our husbands in their da’wah works. If you look at Hajar, the wife of Ibrahim alayhissalam, her effort as a wife and a mother has left a legacy that will be remembered for the rest of time. Support his work, provide encouragement, and constructive criticism, and do not become a hindrance in his efforts.

2. We take our examples from the greatest women in history, the Mothers of the Believers, ie, the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (saws). They took care of the household and did much more than us, yet they were leaders in doing da’wah. Aisha, for example, was one of the greatest scholars of the time. At the same time, we have to take note that despite his (least to say) BUSY schedule, the Prophet (saws) took the time to help his wives around the house with chores. This just goes to show that household responsibilities are not just for the wife, but for the husband as well. And if both the husband and wife are involved with dawah work, then it is crucial that both spouses share the work in the house, so that the wife is not doing everything on her own.
3. A lot of people, when they ask “what is the main responsibility of a wife?”, are told, “their family”. However, as one scholar pointed out, this answer is incorrect. A woman’s first responsibility is to be a servant to Allah. Now, as a married woman, ONE of the ways she can fulfill this responsibility by being a good wife and mother, educating her children and bringing them up to be Muslims. This is an example of how she can do dawah at home. However, this requires effort. It’s not just about cooking and cleaning- it’s about educating oneself as best as one can in order to raise children as good Muslims and Muslimahs.

4. Practical examples of what married Muslim women living in America today can do in terms of da’wah:

a) The Internet- It is such a blessing that we have this medium we can use for da’wah purposes. Lots of American Muslim women have been very active in the dawah front using the Internet as a tool. And this does not even require them to leave their houses: check out a few of these websites that are run by Muslim women in America, all of whom are married and close to our age:

http://iamsheba.com/

http://www.habibihalaqas.org/

http://www.muslimahsource.org/

numerous female authors writing for http://muslimmatters.org/

b) Seeking knowledge- Alhamdulillah, we are living in times when knowledge is coming to us, instead of us having to travel miles to seek it. As a married couple, we should try to devote some of our free time to attend circles of knowledge together. In addition, numerous Muslim women have been starting their own halaqahs and classes. If you take a look at Al Huda Institute (http://www.alhudainstitute.ca/), it has been established by Muslim married women, and mashaAllah, they are doing an amazing job at producing women who are educated in the field of Quran. There are sisters in our own community who are married, are professionals, going to school, and have children who are hosting sisters study circles at their homes, including fiqh classes, tajweed classes, etc. All it takes is a few sisters to get together and agree to do something for an hour once a week.

c) Community work- when people think of da’wah, this is the first thing they think of and say to themselves, “I don’t have time for it.” But community work does not have to complicated such as leading an organization or serving on the board of an organization. It can be something simple like volunteering one night at a community event, designing flyers for an event, going to Downtown with the MSA for an hour once a month to give food to the needy, etc. Two of my good friends in Memphis are two of the best volunteers I have ever worked with- each of them are married, one is a mother of two, and both are either working or going to school.

At the end of the day, Allah knows our schedules and He knows how busy we are. At the same time, if dawah is something we are passionate about (which I hope we are), then some of the steps that have to be taken include:

a) Making du’a to Allah to help us in our endeavours (esp, during Tahajjud)
b) Discussing with our spouses how both individuals can share work in the house so that both are able to do some dawah work (again, it can be just going and volunteering or teaching for an hour once a week).
c) Manage our time more wisely- can I wake up an hour earlier today to finish school work and the laundry so I can attend an hour long halaqah in the evening? Maybe instead of a movie, I can go to the soup kitchen today with a local group to serve food to the needy, etc.

In conclusion, remember that Allah will judge us according to our intention and our efforts, for He (swt) has promised us in the Qur’an, “”Never will I allow to be lost the work of any of you, be he male or female” (Surah Al Imran: 195). Never think that what you do is miniscule, because on the Day of Judgment, Allah may just make your scales abundantly heavy because of your struggles. I hope this helps somewhat. Again, nothing is to be taken personally. This advice is to myself first and foremost, and may Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong or anything to hurt anyone’s feelings.

———–
Mehreen Khan’s hometown is in Memphis, Tennessee. She frequently works with the Muslim youth and volunteers for several Islamic organizations. She also teaches various Islamic Studies topics to the women and youth in her local community. She will be graduating this year with a BS in Elementary Education.

Good ol’ 1, 2, 3. It’s supposed to work like…well, magic! But for many of us who have tried it, and perhaps still use it, why does it seem like number 3 ran out of fairy dust? Somehow when we get to 3, nothing happens. Our child is still doing the naughty thing we were trying to stop him (or her from doing). So Junior (or lil’ ‘Aboodi) is still throwing his apple slices on the floor while we sit and watch helplessly in the other room, nursing his baby brother. “Aboodi! If you don’t stop throwing your apple slices by the time I get to 3, you’re getting a time out when I come in there! 1! 2! 3!….” Still the apple slices are flying. Or maybe it’s little Mariyam, who has decided to scream at the store, because we declined to buy her that scrumptious box of fruit snacks and the cart is now departing the aisle. “If you don’t stop screaming by the time I get to 3, then we’re not going to the Children’s Museum today! 1….2….3…” *Mariyam screams even louder*

Drat, in either case, nothing happened! They’re naughty as ever! So what do we do? Why, we call in the disc-scratch jockey of parenting (DJ Empty Threat!) and we skip it, baby! “3….3….I said 3333333!…..” And then we may even repeat that stanza and start the counting all over again, as if our child being naughty somehow disabled their hearing. “I said 1…2….3….”

So what happens when the 3 is skipping and Aboodi and Mariyam are still being bad? For most parents it’s an internal explosion, which usually manifests itself externally. Neither Aboodi nor Mariyam dropped the bad act at 3, so we’re ticked (and we even gave our child multiple chances with those 3’s!). We may scream at them, we may gripe endlessly, we may silently contort our faces in anger (and if it’s little Mariyam at the store we bang the cart along for good measure). And the internal commentary in our mind is sabotaging us–”How dare he?” “What’s wrong with her?” “Why must he make life so difficult for me?” “Aren’t I doing everything a parent is supposed to?” Why don’t they listen? And why don’t they obey?!

But are Mom and Pops really doing everything they’re supposed to? Are Ammi and Abu really making the contribution they’re obligated to? Something must be going wrong. It shouldn’t have to be this hard (and emotionally draining)! I know what you think is coming—a parental guilt trip about how you’re not spending enough quality time with your kids. Er (*buzzer sound*), wrong. But if we ever find ourselves in the above situation, we’re definitely not making a vital contribution that we promised to when we became parents. When we became a parents, we made a promise to keep our promises, and I’m not talking about that promise to take Junior to Chuck E. Cheese on Friday (although we should to keep that one too). We made a promise that if we say a consequence is going to happen as a result of our child’s bad action (or in some cases inaction), and our child continues that bad action, then we enforce the consequence we said we coming. We do not issue empty threats to our child. No extra 3s, no extra chances (could someone please fire DJ Empty Threat?). In other words we walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Let’s go back to Aboodi and Mariyam. We told Aboodi that if he didn’t stop practicing his baseball pitch with those apple slices when we got to 3, he would get a time out when we were done nursing the baby. There’s no need to repeat that 3. If we got to 3 and the apple slices are still flying, then we just finish nursing the baby calmly (because there’s nothing we can do about the slices at the moment). Then, when we’re done, we put baby down and we walk into the kitchen and put Aboodi in the time-out we promised him he would receive, no matter how innocent he looks or how much he cries. Or with little Mariyam, we promised her that if she didn’t stop screaming, we weren’t going to take her to the Children’s Museum. Well, Mariyam decided to keep screaming, so what do we do? Hmm. After we’ve cooled off a little, we start to feel bad for little Mariyam. We’re really not going to take her to the Children’s Museum? She’ll be so sad. Heck, we’ll be so sad! But isn’t that what we promised her would happen if she didn’t stop? Indeed, it was, so we don’t take her to the Children’s Museum. Little Mariyam really feels the sting, but Mom and Dad always keep their promises.

When parents keep their promises, several things happen. Firstly, Aboodi and Mariyam always know to take what Mom and Dad say seriously. They know that if Mom and Dad issue a threat (“If you don’t stop, then X will happen”), it isn’t merely an attempt to intimidate with no follow-through. Therefore, when Mom and Dad say “X” is going to happen, Aboodi and Mariyam are highly likely to obey. They don’t want that consequence to be enforced, and they know it will be if they don’t stop, so they stop.

Another beautiful thing that happens when we keep our promises, is that we, as parents, are highly less likely to blow our tops. There’s no need to scream or gripe or let Shaytan run through our veins to show Aboodi and Mariyam just how angry and disappointed we are. We convey our displeasure to Aboodi and Mariyam by simply enforcing the consequence. The consequence does all the screaming for us. Aboodi and Mariyam may hate it that we keep our promise to discipline them, but we feel so much better, because Aboodi and Mariyam are learning the lesson they need to, and it took absolutely no loss of temper or emotional reactivity on our part (and subsequently, no parent-guilt). We just enforced the consequence calmly and moved on.

So the next time we wave our 1, 2, 3 wand, we’ll know that the magic isn’t really in the numbers, it’s in our child knowing that we keep our promises.

Questions you may have that will be addressed in the upcoming Screamfree Program:

Do I have to use 1, 2, 3, and time-outs? (hint: no)

Can Screamfree be used with older kids and teens? (hint: yes)

Why does it feel so difficult/painful for me to enforce consequences?

What if the consequence I said was coming is too harsh and I really don’t want to follow through with it?

I’m enforcing consequences without losing it but my child is worse than ever! Why?

I’m immediately enforcing consequences, but I still feel angry inside. Help!

How do I handle discipline in public or at other people’s homes?

Are there any forms of discipline that I should never use? Which ones are most effective?

What do I do if my spouse is not following Screamfree? Will it still work?

I’ll be doing an introductory talk on Screamfree Parenting on Thurs. March 4th at 6pm CST via teleconference. Just dial (712) 432-0075 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (712) 432-0075      end_of_the_skype_highlighting and then enter access code: 440036. See you there, insha’Allah!

Olivia Kompier

Screamfree Certified Leader

October 2007

At the bottom of our three story honeymoon cabin, there was a picturesque indoor pool with a huge rock water fountain flowing into it. Everything about the cabin was breathtaking—even impressing my own very judgmental eye—and my mind could hardly believe that I was being blessed with this experience. I felt humbled and grateful as I walked down the thin, winding, glossed pine stairs to greet my husband down below. He had come down to the pool area before me so that I could finish my hair, makeup, and all that other girly stuff that new brides fuss about. My heart was happy. From deep inside penetrating through my cheeks and into the beautiful air, I felt the joy radiating from my own smile.

As I approached him, I saw that my brand new husband had situated himself on a lawn chair beside the pool with his new mini sheesha and was puffing away, relaxing. The sheesha was quite a compromise on my part—I was hell bent against smoking of any kind and only even considered his marriage proposal after confirming that he was a non-smoker. But for many reasons I had just smiled and said that I liked the color (green and gold) of the bottom glass portion as we purchased the little hookah on our way to our honeymoon destination. After all, we had a deal: after the honeymoon, Jameel would say goodbye forever to his tiny carcinogenic friend.

I suddenly felt awkward. I sat across from Jameel on an adjacent lawn chair with a glass table in between us. He beamed at me. The rushing of the water down the entire wall of rocks nearby us, tumbling rhythmically into the pool below, was more beautiful than any music and only intensified the feeling that overwhelmed me when Jameel would grin. He had this kind of adorable, warm smile with a hint of insecurity in it that always put me at ease and increased my feelings of fondness towards him. His eyes focused on my hair and glistening earrings. He sighed with his sheesha in one hand and said earnestly, “You’re so beautiful.” I blushed and made a mental note to wear pastel pink lip gloss more often.

I fidgeted in my chair nervously and we began small talk. I was shy and embarrassed; he was serene and his demeanor had a soothing effect on even my hyper-anxiety. As I answered his questions, he looked at me directly and I could feel the warmth and love in his gaze. I had married the most considerate man in the entire world. He was never the type to interrupt someone while they were speaking. He continued to ask me for my opinions and insight and did not selfishly hog our conversation by that sweet, little pool. And when he did speak about himself, it was with more grace and humility than I had ever seen before in someone—the kind of genuine wholesomeness that I once believed was an unattainable ideal, but that I was now seeing the actualization of in the very same person who I was lucky enough to have put a ring on my finger.

I didn’t have any more dreams on my life checklist that remained unmarked after meeting him. Jameel was the one who took me, my faith, my goals, and my education seriously. He supported me unconditionally in all aspects of life. He appreciated me for whatever all my passions and quirks were worth. Anything that was important to me, he made a priority. Even during our engagement period, as our families squabbled over engagement and wedding details and we both agreed that my family was arrogantly demanding too much—more than the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet asws called for, and even beyond the norms of our fathers’ home country—my husband settled every dispute by simply giving in, just to reduce the stress on me.

And as I sat there in front of him and his shining face, his soft wavy hair, and his lovingly gentle smile, I vowed inside my heart to be the best wife possible. I would keep up our home as best as I could. I would keep up my appearance as best as I could. I would attach myself irreversibly to my Lord and excel in piety, in order to one day raise children that were deserving of carrying the name of such a father. I would treat my new in laws like my own family—I would tire away to help them in any of their activities, regardless of whether it was taking out the trash or cleaning the floor, or helping my father in law with his numerous Islamic activism projects. I would make this angel that sat next to me so happy that he would feel just as blessed to have me as I felt to have him. I knew I could do this. I had faith in myself and was fully confident that my intention would become a reality, with the help of my Generous Creator.

He leaned back in his lawn chair. He was wearing black track pants and a white wife beater. He was the kind of person who rarely worked on his appearance, but somehow always managed to be unbearably attractive anyway. The white cotton he wore contrasted with his gorgeous olive toned skin and the muscles in his arm flexed as he played with the hose on the hookah. He looked truly peaceful and content. I sighed and closed my eyes, savoring the moment. I still remember the way the room smelled—the chlorine from the water, the varnish from the wood, the apple scent of the tobacco smoke in the air. I remember how I felt—I felt just as lovely as my husband said I was. I felt excited and hopeful.

If someone had told me that this moment would never repeat itself again, I would not have believed them.

December 2007

My friends sat in a circle in my sister’s living room and we all chatted and nibbled on junk food cheerfully. “So,” I was asked, “What kinds of pet names does Jameel call you?” Suddenly, after the question arose, every unmarried girl in the room turned at me curiously and excitedly. My sister, who was only one year older than me but was already married with four children, looked at me in amusement and waited for my answer.

I thought of a response and suddenly felt a bit queasy. “Well,” I said, pensively, “When we were engaged, he used to call me things like ‘Angel’ and ‘Princess’…” my voice trailed off and my mind began to twirl. My husband appeared increasingly depressed lately, for reasons that seemed to have nothing to do with me. But he insisted that I was somehow the cause of his gloominess, although he wouldn’t specify why or what I might have done to upset him. I couldn’t remember having been called any pet names recently—or even having been spoken to sweetly.

“–Wait!” I interrupted my own thoughts, “Yes, actually just this morning before I came here he chose a new pet name.” I beamed, in my complete ignorance of Greek mythology, and raised my chin proudly. “He calls me Medusa.”

Suddenly the room went dead silent and I looked around at the faces of my friends. They all looked tense and I even sensed pity from their gazes. Some of them seemed like they were disgusted and angry on my behalf. I looked back questioningly.

“Hind,” one of my closest friends, Fariha, said softly, “Do you know who Medusa is?”

“Yes of course,” I huffed, “Jameel told me she was a goddess.” The girls all shifted uncomfortably and no one reached for more chips or cookies. I suddenly became suspicious.

“Hind,” Fariha’s voice became even more tender and sympathetic, “She’s not—that’s not….he shouldn’t call you that.” The girls finally gasped and I heard a murmur of agreement ripple through the room. My sister clutched her stomach and looked down at the floor. I demanded to know who Medusa was.

Fariha looked around and I glared at her, in a half-pleading, half-demanding expression. “Medusa,” she answered finally, slowly, still hesitantly, “was the goddess who was notorious for being ugly. She was so ugly that when she looked at someone, they would die and be turned to stone. She didn’t have hair; she had snakes coming out of her head.” With each word she spoke, the room grew tenser and the girls’ gazes became increasingly sympathetic as they watched the upsetting realization dawn on me.

My hands reached up and touched my hair, as I vowed in my mind never to wear crimping mousse again. I did not even try to hide my humiliation and pain from the girls in the room. I knew it was no use to try. My jaw dropped; my eyes widened. My gaze hit the floor. I recall feeling something that hurt even more intensely than the mortification of having accidentally exposed Jameel’s hurtful mockery to my friends. The sensation that throbbed inside of me was caused by a type of betrayal—I felt like I had been mistaken to entrust to my husband my emotions. I was vulnerable with him, and I felt that this exposure gave him a sort of irrepressible power with which he could harm me severely. I distinctly remember realizing that I was finally beginning to internalize his words, as he planted the seeds of self hatred in me day by day. I began to become aware of my own ugliness in that moment. It finally became apparent to me how disproportionately large my body looked underneath me as I sat on a small, fold-out chair. I realized that my skin color was sickly and unattractive; my facial features were too sharp and hideous. How could my friends bare to see me smile?

I can’t remember what anyone said after that point. I can’t even remember how or when I left my sister’s house. I just remember that as I headed back home I had to drive extra carefully because I felt blinded by tears.

Disclaimer- These points are a basic compilation from my own personal experience as an educator, youth coordinator, and being a youth in America. They are not meant to cover every aspect of the work but rather bring light to some key areas. It serves as a way to measure our commitment and effectiveness. Also, please note these points are assuming that you have already attached yourself to a group or jama’ah (if you have NOT what are you waiting for????).

(In a powerful wrestling match announcer voice) – “Introducing TEN QUALITIES OF A YOUTH DA’EE”

A GOOD YOUTH DA’EE :

1. KNOWS TO USE TECHNOLOGY WELL

The days of antennas and cassette tapes are slowly fading into a museum showcase of the past. If you have not yet embraced the world of technological growth and think you will be effective without it – you need to wake up. A youth da’ee is well versed in cell phones, video game systems, movie players, the internet, and basic office applications. I’m not saying you must transform into a technology nut. However, if you are unfamiliar with the basic ins and outs of equipment, you will find it hard to cope. This also includes social networking such facebook, twitter, blogs, youtube, and the many ever expanding arsenals of tools. The reality is that technology works. So learn to master it. Always ask yourself how can I use this technology to accomplish the goals of our group?

2. HAS RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION

An entire point dedicated to transportation? Yes, it is THAT important. Independence and movement are critical for a da’ee. You can be prepared in every way, but if you are not present you are not productive. So learn how to drive well and navigate directions and maps. Invest in a GPS, budget for gas, make your car comfortable with prayer mats, snacks, and lecture series, and embrace the road. If you are in an urban area, this may mean learning the train system or bus schedule. Regardless, be safe, say your dua, travel in groups whenever possible, but don’t miss any endeavor because of transportation. The work needs you too much.

3. IS UPDATED ON POP CULTURE & CURRENT EVENTS

Now it is not expected for you to know all the birthdays of Brad and Angelina’s children and every title of the tracks on the newest Mariah Carey album (in fact I’d be concerned if you do) BUT you should not be living in a cave either. Educate yourself on popular figures and popular trends –especially if you are expecting to relate to young people. Yes, that means you may need to look up who is Lady Gaga and figure out what is “Dancing with the Stars” or what is Call of Duty Modern Warefare II. Entertainment and celebrities are a huge part of American culture and the youth are surrounded by this all the time. Also, be educated about current events so you can converse and share with others. Lastly, be aware of some of Islamic pop culture as well. I recommend if you are able, attend at least one convention a year to learn about what’s what on the Muslim scene (ISNA is one of the best for these purposes). Did you see the newest Kareem Salaama video (do you know who he is)? What are Baba Ali’s newest business ventures? Did you hear about the recent research study by Georgetown University on the 500 Most Influential Muslims in the World? An effective da’ee is aware about all these and more.

4. IS HEALTHY, FIT OR ATHLETIC

Simply put, you need to be strong. The Prophet (SA) said “A strong believer is better and closer to Allah than a weak believer.” It is part of the Sunnah and a characteristic of a Muslim. Also, sports are a huge deal in American society. An athletic da’ee (especially with boys) has a better chance of relating to a large amount of youth. Besides this, the Islamic work will take physical demands on your body and if you have a weak immune system and tire easily, it will catch up with you. Fitness and exercise is also a great stress reliever and developing a regular schedule will inevitably improve your capabilities and mental health, not to mention enriches your life.

5. KNOWS TO NAVIGATE THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY

The Muslim community is no cake walk in the park, in fact is more like a walk on the I-95 highway, blind-folded, walking on stilts. There are many different types of ideas, cultures, and beliefs people have about the way Islam should be practiced. An effective da’ee does not get lost in the confusion. Take time to learn about the various groups one will encounter and know where you or your group stands on certain practices (Yomul Nabi, Ashuraa, extremism, etc). By learning you will avoid many hassles and unnecessary drama and therefore move closer to reaching your goals. Know which Masajid are in the area and the type of leaders that run the community. This insight will come in handy more than you would believe.

6. HAS EXCELLENT MANNERS AND BEHAVIOR

If you want to win the heart of anyone you must have superb adab (manners and etiquette). This is the personality of an Islamic Worker. Learn how to give and return salaams with warmth. Be aware of other’s sensitivities and always be polite and kind. This will reflect your sincerity. It is also showing the youth an example they can emulate because when people know better, they do better. Imam Malik’s mom told him, “Learn from his (the shaykh’s) manners before you learn from his knowledge.” Always be respectful especially with the really young, really old, and the learned amongst us.

7. IS ORGANIZED

A da’ee understands the urgency of the work they must embark upon. Therefore, they take pains to keep good files, records, and systems for dealing with junk (junk emails, junk items, and junk people). Create effective spreadsheets and databases of your resources and personnel. Also, find what time management techniques work for you and implement them. I personally use the daily planer method. Invest into learning about new ways to manage time well such as using the GTD (Getting Things Done) System.

8. IS A POSITIVE AND MOTIVATIONAL PUBLIC SPEAKER

Giving speeches is one of the biggest fears people face but it still remains one of the most useful talents a leader can possess. If you plan to work with youth, it will require you to put yourself in vulnerable positions. This means speaking in public and conducting classes, etc. It is important to work on your social skills as this comes natural for some more than others. Remember, you are trying to persuade somebody that your way is better, so you must believe it! Learn techniques to motivate and inspire others. Remember, practice makes perfect!

9. PRAYS FAJR

Now you are probably wondering, why only Fajr? Shouldn’t we pray all our prayers? Yes, you should, and pray them well. But there is something symbolic and special about Fajr. What is it? This is because Fajr prayer teaches us discipline, time management and commitment. It does all that in five minutes a day. It also transforms your day and reminds you what you are fighting for. If you are having a hard time coping, work to improve your Fajr prayer.

10. IS CREATIVE!

We are dealing with people who converse with others across the world, transports messages with the tap of a finger, and has memorized hundreds of songs and lyrics. This is a generation where information is their language. They are intelligent, REALLY INTELLIGENT. Don’t mistake that for a moment. They are also suffering from the idea of entitlement. Everything is available to them, and quite often, with doing very little to deserve it. We need to understand our demographic and work hard to surpass their expectations. Anything ordinary can become extraordinary with a little effort and creativity. An effective youth da’ee always has something up their sleeve to grab attention and capture interest. Remember it is the details that tend to make the difference. Work hard to think outside the box and always ask yourself, how I can leave an imprint that will help them remember my message (Google “Made to Stick”).

Work hard and remember that nobody said it was going to be easy. This is our lifelong struggle and contribution. But the irony of it all is that once you’ve made the decision to really try, YOU WILL LOVE IT!

Young people are amazing creations and will fascinate you if given the attention and training. Don’t give up on them. One child changed represents an entire generation. Make your niyyah firm and let the deeds begin to pile on that scale, one day at a time.

Any more ideas? Please share in the comments below!

Wardah K . aka Lady Insight born in NY and raised in South Florida where she currently resides. She is passionate about her faith and her field of education. She is actively involved in a youth organization called FAYM (Florida Association of Young Muslims) created to teach, mobilize and inspire the young people to rise up and become active and contributing citizens and human beings. Currently, Wardah attends Florida Atlantic University pursuing her degree in Secondary English Teacher Education.

You could marry a prince, live in a nice castle and never have to lift your fingers again to wash a dish, but no matter how much money and maids and servants, there is one thing you must do alone: meet his needs.

Yes, his needs. Your man is looking forward to a wife who will take care of him and serve him. Sure sure…. He will never say that in the initial “interview” you will have together or in any of the follow up conversations. I can guarantee you though, that this is deep down one of their wishes. To have a wife who does the following:

- Looks pretty every day

- Makes good food

- Keeps the place organized and tidy

- Serves him without him asking

- Listens to him when he speaks intently

- Sits near him while he unwinds

- Accommodates him when he is tired/stressed/etc.

- Meets his needs for physical intimacy

It is a bonus that you are strong in your Deen, active in the community, and highly educated.

Is this ruffling any of your feathers? “Wait, did she say a bonus?”

When a woman is prized for her Deen, as the Prophet, salalahu alayhe wa sellum, said this is the best reason to marry a woman, do we imagine that this righteous Muslimah would NOT do all of the above in my list? Without that, though, most men, around the globe, still want (if not expect) that list to become a reality.

I understand that you have been raised to focus on education, and to think of marriage in terms of equality.

I realize what I am saying doesn’t sound all “progressive.”

And that is precisely why I am right.

Men, in general, are all similar in what they want in a wife. Regardless of the times, they haven’t changed much over the centuries. (and believe it or not, that goes for the western culture around us too!)

And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

The fairytale only focuses on the girl. It shows how she gets lifted onto the horse, danced with, sought after, and so forth. Regular Hollywood (and I would gather Bollywood too?) also has the theme of a man enamored with his love for a woman, and its “all about her.”

There the story stops, you walk away in dream land, wiping off the happy tears.

Can we now fast forward a bit?

Now, where is the part where we see her sacrificing for her husband?

It might be the day (or days!) he is stressed because his project at work isn’t going as planned and she has to stifle her small list of complaints for a few days.

Or maybe the night he wants her to stay up late to spend intimate time with him, even though she was planning on turning in early that night.

Her sacrifice may come in letting him make a decision she isn’t %100 about, but needs to respect his position as leader of the family.

Or maybe it is her actually focusing when he speaks about his last speed on his jog, patent at work, or vision for the economic future of China.

It’s not just about you. He has his own set of fantasies about what it means to have a wife, and what he will gain for his marriage to you. And no one can meet those needs, wants, or desires except you.

It is important to begin from now thinking about how you can and will, insha’Allah, contribute to the life of another human being, namely, your husband. It is wise to accept what is, and learn how to be flexible and compromise so you can be you, and also be who is dreaming about too.

The goals do not cancel each other out.

The sooner you allow yourself to have a heart that is focused on the happiness of someone else, the more likely it is that your husband may very well continue to sweep you off your feet!

I think many brothers are getting a bad rap these days because they still have “traditional” values (and no, I do not meet backwards cultural concepts) and want a solid family life. If you can stop being intimidated by their requests for a traditional wife, you may find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

That fairytale all begins with accepting that he has needs just like you, a vision and an idea of what makes him happy, and being willing to fill a different set of shoes.

And that is where adventure, love, and beautiful sunsets are really found. The art of compromise, selfless giving, and love that comes without strings attached.

We’ll begin that story, another day insha’Allah.

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

There is a reason that fairytales continue to be read generation after generation. There are elements of truth in them, and specifically, the Brothers Grimm, which breakdown the level of evil a human heart can reach. Fortunately, good always conquers evil.

In the tale of the frog prince, if you recall, there is a princess who has promised the frog he can be near her after he retrieves her golden ball she lost down in the well.

A promise being a promise, she had to keep this frog near. In the version of the story I read, the princess was young, and she detested having the frog eat her dinner with her and sleep on her bed. Eventually, she began to like the frog enough to kiss it goodnight. After this, he transformed into a dashing young prince. And you know the rest, marriage and happily ever after.

This seems like a bit of a stretch, but I would say that this is a lot like marriage and true love J

Your marriage is a covenant between you, your husband, and Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. I think that is a lot stronger than a promise to have and to hold, through sickness and in health. It’s all of those famous lines and more.

What if I told you that there will come a time when sharing dinner and the bed with your husband, no matter how amazing he is, will feel like, well, like having a frog around?

It will happen. I mean come on, you fought with your siblings growing up, right? Do you really think you can live with someone day in and day out and never have a disagreement, a cold shoulder, be tired of their smelly socks, or feel utter frustration?

I know that as Muslims we want to live in ideals and think that we will never get upset, we will follow the Sunnah to a “t” and just be these loving and super patient creatures. What could there be to possibly fight over?

Let me remind you of the man who came to the house of Umar ibn Khattab to ask for advice, but left when he reached the door. Umar came out to ask him why he was leaving, and the man replied that he was coming for advice about his wife, but he sees Umar has the same problem! The wife of Umar was yelling at him J

And we all love that beautiful part in the story where Aisha, Um al Mumineen, breaks the dish in front of dinner guests out of her jealousy for another woman’s dish that was there before hers.

You should never stop struggling to improve your character, habits, and way of being. This is because it is part of your journey towards Allah, subhanahui wa ta’ala, which is to be sincere and in a state of consistent growth, learning, and implementation.

But you are who you are. And you will never be perfect.

That being said, your husband is who he is too. And he will never be perfect.

Sometimes, you may simply have to kiss him out of the goodness of your heart, and reach beyond the external. “Magic” can and does happen in moments like that. Being able to reach beyond the surface, beyond the moment is part of true love.

Love is the cultivation of a friendship, of connection, and to be invested in the growth of another human being.

Love isn’t about you.

Love is giving unconditionally.

Love is acting lovingly when you don’t feel like it.

Love is learning to be vulnerable.

Love is not always being right.

Love doesn’t thrive in the weed bed of insecurities.

Love flourishes in the garden of openness and trust.

There is nothing more beautiful than real love. This is why it is more beautiful than the “in love,” stage. That stage feels amazing, but it is about feelings. It is not strong, dependable, and reliable.

Real love is making a choice where to direct your heart, and to whom.

Yes, true love, true passion, true romance, is a choice.

Love is making a decision to go beyond yourself.

Love is realizing that someone else is not responsible for your happiness, and therefore you are free to love, not dependant on getting love.

Love is always seeing the big picture, and returning to what truly matters and is not consumed and obsessed only with what is and is not being given to you in someone elses’s time, energy, focus, attention, and giving.

Please understand, I am not saying that you will not be given all those things in a healthy marriage. If both people are working together to cultivate true love, then you will have something far greater than the fairytale.

What I really want to help you understand, though, is that it is a process, a work always in progress.

Most of you I, would guess, are not prepared to imagine that there is a responsibility of work once your foot is in the door of marriage with your husband. This may all seem to fly right over your head, especially if you believe you are in love.

Let me give you a different example that is more easily accepted.

Before you have your first baby, like most responsible women who want to be good mothers, you would read about the development of your baby while in the womb. You would watch what you eat, take better care of yourself, because there is a tiny miracle growing inside of you.

Before that little bundle of joy is born, insha’Allah, you will have read through the first 9 months of a baby’s life. You want to be prepared for what things will be like when they arrive. Chapter after chapter you will read about their sleep schedule, your need to be flexible, how to breast feed, complications that can arise and how to solve them, how to bathe a baby, tell when its hungry or just cold, and finally what to do if they never stop crying. Baby books even warn mothers how to avoid burnout, and to let them know from now that you may very well feel emotionally overwhelmed, and therefore, how to get help and support.

All of this you will read before that baby ever comes into this world. When that baby becomes your reality, if you are well read, you will be better prepared.

How come marriage is different?

Few people ever educate themselves about marriage. The reason, repeating myself again, is because of the belief in the fairytale. You think if you marry the right person, everything will just fall into place, forever.

If you haven’t done so yet, now is another opportunity to let the fairytale die.

Instead, begin to envision what an amazing marriage looks like that is built upon real love.

Imagine the kind of person you want to be, and discover where you are right now on the path of personal growth.

Love will come. Love will come. Love will come.

Let go of your fears. When you find Mr. Right, love will be there so long as you remember that he must choose to love you, and you must choose to love him, and making a decision is far more romantic than taking action just because of a feeling.

When the “in love,” part begins to fade, you will then be able to look deeply into his eyes, and see a man who has committed himself to love you, take care of you, honor you, and maintain you for the rest of his life to the best of his abilities, regardless of how he feels that morning.

That is man hood.

Anything short of that, then you may find a man who will start up a relationship with e female co worker because he had “feelings for her.”

Trust in Allah, and trust in the journey. Begin to prepare from now learning about marriage, how to find Mr.Right, and what to do when you finally meet him so he’ll propose to you!

Then, you can ride off into the sunset with Ameer Charming, and right at that moment, is when you’ll learn something new about him.

We’ll introduce this one after you enjoy the ride and the scenic landscape a bit…..

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Hollywood is full of love stories in nearly every film. Love stories that are about finding the right person, and after that, it’s smooth sailing. Love is beautiful. Love feels amazing. Love, however, is not something that just happens. It never has been, and it never will be. That part of the fairytale is an absolute lie.

Yes, a lie.

Falling “in love” exists, but what we need to in cover here is the difference between feelings of love, and true love itself.

Real love is an action, and real love is developed and maintained by consistent actions and effort.

Real love can only exist when then the “in love” feeling begins to fade away. Absolutely, hands down, it will fade away.

Your feelings will change.

Not knowing this simple fact right here is leading many Muslim couples to divorce.

One day, you will wake up, and look at the person next to you and wonder if you made the right choice. Believe it or not, this is normal.

And chances are you didn’t make the wrong choice. It’s just that the in-love feelings are beginning to fade. The rose colored glasses are beginning to become clear, and you now very clearly see you married someone who is very much human. You married a man who has flaws, weaknesses, needs, and makes mistakes. You may begin to discover that you don’t seem to agree on anything anymore, that you have different preferences, and that things don’t feel as fun these days.

I know what you are thinking. “That won’t happen to me because…”

Because you will defy the laws of true love? You can, and you will find yourself feeling very much unloved.

Here is what is great about what I am telling you. When the lovey-dovey feelings begin to fade away, the opportunity for tremendous growth becomes available to you and your marriage.

Real life begins, and alhamdulellah for this. Remember, that marriage is not an end goal in and of itself, but rather a means to get you closer to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. One must assume that this person who is to become one of the most significant people in your life is going to be here to test you as well.

Tests are given to us to reveal the true nature of our hearts. So with a kind and loving husband, you are being tested in your consistency to be grateful, pleasant, and your willingness to sacrifice in return. In moments where your husband and you feel like you are on opposite side of a valley you are being tested in your patience, willingness to put your ego down and work through a challenge in the best of manners.

In all circumstances there is an opportunity before you.

The reality, however, is that many people are not prepared for these opportunities. When they arrive they begin to think their fairytale is actually a nightmare, and they are in the wrong role.

Fairytales lead us into a world of beauty, where love conquers all. Fairy tales, aren’t just the stories we read or watched as children. They are the magazines, the love songs, the movies, and the buzz that fills our minds and hearts on a daily basis. The problem with all of these sources is that they severely lack depth.

The human experience is a complicated one. One day we feel happy, the next down in the doldrums. One week the world is beautiful, the following, the world seems a dark and frightening place to be. One day your husband is Mr. Perfect, the next day an insensible jerk.

Nothing in this life is constant but change.

When you look for a husband, I am not telling you that the beautiful fairytale introduction to your life together is impossible. What I am asking you to understand, is that happily ever after simply seemed the fastest way to end the fairy tale before the author had to write a 9 part epic into their marital life.

If you are ready to accept that “happily ever after,” is a long phrase that translates to “and they worked day and night at building an awesome marriage and partnership, weathering the storms of life, each others weirdness and quirks, and did this until they day they died, then you are mentally ready for your own version of the fairytale.

Once you are ready, there is something important you now need to know. We’ll begin that next lesson with a frog…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Do you remember that part in the movie where the Little Mermaid decides that she has to marry this strange human guy she saved on the beach? Well, maybe she didn’t say she had to marry him from the get go, but she, in all her fascination, falls in love with him from that brief encounter (here we go again.)

Now honestly, I know he was supposed to be all handsome and what not, but this story is a classic example of one of the top reasons both women and men marry.

For women, it’s about escaping from something. Like some motives of sisters I know, it’s about getting a life of their own away from Daddy, and on to better places. We spend the whole movie feeling pity for this poor little mermaid who just wants to be “part of their world,” and this guy is going to get her there.

(For men, it’s about “her voice,” or her pretty face, or some other appendage on her physical body. They see beauty and they think perfection on a silver platter. So that I don’t digress, I am going to save this for another article!)

And no, I am not blind to the fact that we could draw many other analogies on this topic (now that my brain is churning) and think about how her father who loves her so much is perhaps too much “set in his ways” to allow her to consider something outside their “cultural” norm. He clearly loves Ariel, but wants her to forget about hopes and dreams that he thinks aren’t meant for her.

None the less, my job is to ask you to focus on your motives for marriage. Paying the role of the escapist is incredibly self centered and very unfair to the man who would marry you.

Marriage is, again, not a fairy tale, but a real life daily drama with you as the star role. There is daily work to be done to have a happy, balanced marriage, and if your deepest objective was to escape something, no matter how perfect your man who rescues you is, there are going to be issues.

For example, maybe you want to escape social pressure, because everyone else is getting married, you simply “have to,” so the aunties won’t talk behind your back, so you can talk about wedding dresses, booking hotels, and taste wedding cakes too. Now here comes a long this great brother who has been preparing years to be ready for a wife, and he ends up marrying you who is just looking to follow a social trend. Of course, you aren’t saying that to yourself out loud, but deep down you know the real reason.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Another example would be if you live with a father who you feel is out of touch with modern day reality, and you are looking to just escape his authority and his house rules. Marriage seems like a clean break, because then your obedience shifts to your husband instead, and you imagine that nothing will be worse than your father. Let me fast forward your life on this one. The stakes are pretty high that you will marry someone just like your father, and end up more miserable because instead of marrying as a whole person, you married the most available person who seemed decent enough, and you wind up miserable down the road, one child in your arms, and another clinging to your dress, staring at yourself in the mirror wondering how it is you married someone just like your father. There is no one to blame but yourself my dear.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Marriage in Islam does not prevent love, and a deep connection between spouses. It encourages friendship, romance, affection, kind words, even flirtatiousness and most definitely kind compromise and mercy.

At the end of the day, though, marriage is a means to end. Marriage is not an “end” in and of itself. You are on a journey back to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is the end you are to pursue, and marriage should be a means to support you on that path.

If you marry for selfish reasons, for reasons that involve needing just to escape, how likely do you think that you will support your spouse in their ‘ibadah?

You cannot live in dreams and fairytales.

This may very well be the death of it in your heart, but the truth is that marriage does not fix what is broken in your life.

If I have learned anything as a wife, it would be to share with you that marriage highlights what is broken, what is in need of repair and attention, but it never makes it go away.

Whatever you are running from will haunt you until you look within yourself and find a deeper meaning in your life, and a greater connection with your Lord who created you. He is, after all, in control of the affairs of your life.

Think of all those fairytale princesses who were victims before they got married. Cinderella, in the classic version I read, said she can’t tell her father how mean her step-mother is because “he would be angry as he was ruled by his wife anyhow.” Snow White also has, apparently, a father who is not a real man because his new wife runs her off into the woods out of jealousy. They are passive victims who only find happiness when a man shows up.

Whatever people you are trying to please will not be satisfied once you are married. Once married the social pressures do not end. After this, people who are shallow find an even longer list of things to judge you with. It might be asking when you will get pregnant, or judging how good of a cook you are, the apartment you live in, and the car your drive. Trust me. If it’s about people, you will never ever win.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Begin to think about marriage as a means to the correct end, and with that in mind, let’s move on to our next piece of intellectual candy….

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

If you are waiting for Prince Charming, or as I like to call him “Ameer Charrrrming” (roll those r’s!) to come and whisk you away in into the land of happily-ever-after, all I have to say, is “uh oh.”

You are about to be one damsel in distress. Sure, you may not be locked up in a tower somewhere, screaming for help. You will, however, have locked yourself into a cage and thrown away the key yourself the moment you think that someone else is responsible for your happiness.

I know what you are thinking. “Is she saying that having someone else in my life isn’t supposed to make me happy?”

Of course it should bring you happiness. Of course sharing your life, the most beautiful moments of your being with another person who witnesses your path in life, should bring happiness into your life.

The truth is, though, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Not him, no matter how charming. No matter how sweet. No matter how smart. No matter how good looking.

At the end of the day, it comes down to who you are, not who he is that will determine your happiness.

The mistake so many people make is that they are searching the world over for someone to complete them, without realizing that this isn’t possible.

Contrast this concept with Islam. Here we are told that spouses are like garments to each other. Spouses cover each other, protect and nourish each other, but that “other” is not a dependant.

You see, many people see relationships in a way that resembles parasites. I know this is kind direct, but let’s get to the point.

It’s all about you. Your whole focus in finding Ameer Charming is to think lf all of things he will give you, and do for you. You can’t have and won’t have so many things, you think, until he comes along and you are hitched.

You may very well find Mr. Amazing, and he may be a girl’s dream come true. But you are going to be his Ms.Parasite, because nothing he will ever do will be enough for you.

So let me repeat this to you: your happiness depends on you and you alone.

You decide how much gratitude you want to focus on in your life so you see the cup overflowing instead of constantly empty.

You decide how much you will appreciate all the things he does for you and you decide if you will be a person who focuses on what is always not perfect.

You decide how much love you will give unconditionally without expecting something in return, and you decide if you want a relationship of tit-for-tat.

You decide if you will try to control his friends, his decisions, his free time because of your own insecurities and you decide if you will trust him and learn how to be vulnerable (more on that later.)

You decide if you will be dedicated to Allah, follow the Sunnah of His Messenger (saw) and be a stronger Muslimah regardless of whether or not his iman is at a high or a low, and regardless of whether or not he has the ability to be a teacher and you a perpetual student.

The choice is yours.

I pray you do find Ameer Charming, and I pray that when he finds you, you are already working on a wholesome happiness that belongs to you and you alone.

No matter the fairytale in your head, there is always reality which is going to smack you up side the head! I mean, whoever imagines that the really nice, attractive, religious, pious brother snores loud enough to compete with a lawn mower?

Exactly. J

If this is all about you, and only you, then that white knight/mujahid who is going to come is going to disappoint you my fair maiden.

This will lead us to our next thought in our quest for true love…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

I think I am going to make a few enemies right now when I say that Disney is not my favorite place to find “halaified” entertainment. I have, over the years, grown utterly disgusted by all of the female roles that lead to a love affair turned marriage and the whole happily ever after thing.

My daughter, for example, who just turned seven keeps on asking me why I won’t show her the same cartoons “everyone at school gets to watch.” She was particularly interested in Cinderella. Aside from the pretty blue dress, she really wanted to know what the big deal was all about. She shyly admitted to me that she found a Cinderella book at her Islamic school (produced with Disney images of course) and she looked through the book, seeing the kiss scene and all.

With a sigh, realizing that this was coming sooner than expected, I decided to tell her what happened and why I don’t like this story.

My conversation went something like this:

“Mama, just tell me what the story is about. Why don’t you like it!”

“Alright, here is what happens. A girl named Cinderella gets all dressed up and goes to a dance. She wears this pretty blue dress, and meets a man and dances with him…”

“Oh, that’s not ok. She wasn’t in hijab, and she danced. Is dancing even ok mama? “

“Well its not ok for us in public for sure in front of a bunch of men we don’t know”

“so then what happened?”

“Well, at midnight she has to go home, and on her way out rushing to get to her carriage, she dropped a glass slipper, or shoe with tall heels, on the staircase. The man she danced with, a complete stranger, finds the shoe. He then spend lots and lots of time looking aaaaaaall over the kingdom for the girl who’s foot fits into this special shoe. Finally one day, he comes to where Cinderella lives, and the shoe fits her foot, and then they get married.”

“oh…”

“Now, does she even know anything about this guy? Does he have good character, how will he treat her. She doesn’t know a thing about him, but because of this stupid shoe, she is going to marry him and he is going to marry her and live happily ever after.” I think that a girl should higher standards than that! “

“standards?”

“yes, standards…meaning that you should have certain things you want in a husband, and not just go after any guy because of a dance and a shoe. Don’t you agree?”

“yea, that sounds wrong mama..”

So, my seven year old gets it, and I pray that Allah keeps her heart matched up with her head to see things clearly in her life. Ameen.

But what about you? Maybe it wasn’t a glass slipper, but is there some brother out there you are thinking about marrying, or want to marry, or are arguing with your parents about marrying and truth is, you have no real idea why?

Hold on. Don’t bite my head off with defensive comments. I was simply asking a question J

Truthfully, though, I have found over and over again that when someone is asked why they love someone, the answer is “well, I just do! He is so nice, and kind, and just….I just love him…”

Ok, so we have:

1) He is nice

2) He is kind

3) You love him.

I know it is Sunnah to be concise with words, and wow, that even worked out to be an odd number too, but this list is too short, and too vague.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to mock you. I am simply asking you to see how it looks from the outside.

See, falling in love is much like Cinderella. You meet a brother, interact with him, maybe once, maybe from time to time, maybe often, but in all circumstances one thing is clear – you don’t really know a thing about him,

You know that he makes you feel good.

You know that he makes you smile inside.

You know that you like the conversation you had.

You know you like the idea of him and you.

And you know it’s not because he is “religious.”

Truthfully, all you know is that you like how you feel and the ideas in your head. Not once did you stop to find out if your imagination matched up with a potential reality.

When you fall in love, you are falling in love with a person who is giving you special attention, special treatment, special feelings, special expressions, and special opportunities.

No doubt, it feels amazing.

But things are special right now only because you are special. You are special because you are something rare, new, different, and therefore, well, special.

What will happen when conversations aren’t doled out like a piece of chocolate, only one a day since you will wake up next to him every day?

What will happen when he doesn’t always make you smile because he is stressed about work, the phone bill, and your two year old who is screaming?

What will happen when happily ever after is nothing more than a mirage in your imagination?

Real life doesn’t take place on gchat.

What then?

It is easy to fall in love, oh so easy. It is easy to love mystery, secrecy, ideas, and intangible thoughts.

It is easy to feel butterflies, daydream, and feel warm fuzzies when you think of him.

So long as you don’t mind falling and falling and falling, you can spend your life falling in love, hitting the ground, and then finding another edge to fall from again.

If you are searching for real love, then it’s time to recycle the glass slipper, and prepare for the death of the fairytale.

This is where the noble quest for true love begins……

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )