DJ Empty Threat and the Skipping 3

Some Lines on Screamfree Discipline

Good ol’ 1, 2, 3. It’s supposed to work like…well, magic! But for many of us who have tried it, and perhaps still use it, why does it seem like number 3 ran out of fairy dust? Somehow when we get to 3, nothing happens. Our child is still doing the naughty thing we were trying to stop him (or her from doing). So Junior (or lil’ ‘Aboodi) is still throwing his apple slices on the floor while we sit and watch helplessly in the other room, nursing his baby brother. “Aboodi! If you don’t stop throwing your apple slices by the time I get to 3, you’re getting a time out when I come in there! 1! 2! 3!….” Still the apple slices are flying. Or maybe it’s little Mariyam, who has decided to scream at the store, because we declined to buy her that scrumptious box of fruit snacks and the cart is now departing the aisle. “If you don’t stop screaming by the time I get to 3, then we’re not going to the Children’s Museum today! 1….2….3…” *Mariyam screams even louder*

Drat, in either case, nothing happened! They’re naughty as ever! So what do we do? Why, we call in the disc-scratch jockey of parenting (DJ Empty Threat!) and we skip it, baby! “3….3….I said 3333333!…..” And then we may even repeat that stanza and start the counting all over again, as if our child being naughty somehow disabled their hearing. “I said 1…2….3….”

So what happens when the 3 is skipping and Aboodi and Mariyam are still being bad? For most parents it’s an internal explosion, which usually manifests itself externally. Neither Aboodi nor Mariyam dropped the bad act at 3, so we’re ticked (and we even gave our child multiple chances with those 3’s!). We may scream at them, we may gripe endlessly, we may silently contort our faces in anger (and if it’s little Mariyam at the store we bang the cart along for good measure). And the internal commentary in our mind is sabotaging us–”How dare he?” “What’s wrong with her?” “Why must he make life so difficult for me?” “Aren’t I doing everything a parent is supposed to?” Why don’t they listen? And why don’t they obey?!

But are Mom and Pops really doing everything they’re supposed to? Are Ammi and Abu really making the contribution they’re obligated to? Something must be going wrong. It shouldn’t have to be this hard (and emotionally draining)! I know what you think is coming—a parental guilt trip about how you’re not spending enough quality time with your kids. Er (*buzzer sound*), wrong. But if we ever find ourselves in the above situation, we’re definitely not making a vital contribution that we promised to when we became parents. When we became a parents, we made a promise to keep our promises, and I’m not talking about that promise to take Junior to Chuck E. Cheese on Friday (although we should to keep that one too). We made a promise that if we say a consequence is going to happen as a result of our child’s bad action (or in some cases inaction), and our child continues that bad action, then we enforce the consequence we said we coming. We do not issue empty threats to our child. No extra 3s, no extra chances (could someone please fire DJ Empty Threat?). In other words we walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Let’s go back to Aboodi and Mariyam. We told Aboodi that if he didn’t stop practicing his baseball pitch with those apple slices when we got to 3, he would get a time out when we were done nursing the baby. There’s no need to repeat that 3. If we got to 3 and the apple slices are still flying, then we just finish nursing the baby calmly (because there’s nothing we can do about the slices at the moment). Then, when we’re done, we put baby down and we walk into the kitchen and put Aboodi in the time-out we promised him he would receive, no matter how innocent he looks or how much he cries. Or with little Mariyam, we promised her that if she didn’t stop screaming, we weren’t going to take her to the Children’s Museum. Well, Mariyam decided to keep screaming, so what do we do? Hmm. After we’ve cooled off a little, we start to feel bad for little Mariyam. We’re really not going to take her to the Children’s Museum? She’ll be so sad. Heck, we’ll be so sad! But isn’t that what we promised her would happen if she didn’t stop? Indeed, it was, so we don’t take her to the Children’s Museum. Little Mariyam really feels the sting, but Mom and Dad always keep their promises.

When parents keep their promises, several things happen. Firstly, Aboodi and Mariyam always know to take what Mom and Dad say seriously. They know that if Mom and Dad issue a threat (“If you don’t stop, then X will happen”), it isn’t merely an attempt to intimidate with no follow-through. Therefore, when Mom and Dad say “X” is going to happen, Aboodi and Mariyam are highly likely to obey. They don’t want that consequence to be enforced, and they know it will be if they don’t stop, so they stop.

Another beautiful thing that happens when we keep our promises, is that we, as parents, are highly less likely to blow our tops. There’s no need to scream or gripe or let Shaytan run through our veins to show Aboodi and Mariyam just how angry and disappointed we are. We convey our displeasure to Aboodi and Mariyam by simply enforcing the consequence. The consequence does all the screaming for us. Aboodi and Mariyam may hate it that we keep our promise to discipline them, but we feel so much better, because Aboodi and Mariyam are learning the lesson they need to, and it took absolutely no loss of temper or emotional reactivity on our part (and subsequently, no parent-guilt). We just enforced the consequence calmly and moved on.

So the next time we wave our 1, 2, 3 wand, we’ll know that the magic isn’t really in the numbers, it’s in our child knowing that we keep our promises.

Questions you may have that will be addressed in the upcoming Screamfree Program:

Do I have to use 1, 2, 3, and time-outs? (hint: no)

Can Screamfree be used with older kids and teens? (hint: yes)

Why does it feel so difficult/painful for me to enforce consequences?

What if the consequence I said was coming is too harsh and I really don’t want to follow through with it?

I’m enforcing consequences without losing it but my child is worse than ever! Why?

I’m immediately enforcing consequences, but I still feel angry inside. Help!

How do I handle discipline in public or at other people’s homes?

Are there any forms of discipline that I should never use? Which ones are most effective?

What do I do if my spouse is not following Screamfree? Will it still work?

I’ll be doing an introductory talk on Screamfree Parenting on Thurs. March 4th at 6pm CST via teleconference. Just dial (712) 432-0075 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (712) 432-0075      end_of_the_skype_highlighting and then enter access code: 440036. See you there, insha’Allah!

Olivia Kompier

Screamfree Certified Leader