Mortified
August 11, 2009 by Sammer Z
Filed under Featured, Motherhood
(540 views)
Mortified.
Disbelief.
Denial.
Not exactly the feelings I imagined having while I stood clutching the third pregnancy test of the week. My mother-in- law didn’t believe the first two which came up negative. Defiantly, I thought, the third one would set the record straight. You can’t possibly reject a third negative test!
Instead of a marching straight to her, or anyone else, I stood staring at the positive test results. Pregnancy tests are a funny invention, in a life changing sort of way. It’s 99.9% accurate because when its positive it is 99.9% accurate. When it says negative its highly inaccurate for several possible reasons. From when you take it, how you take it, how far along you may be to an array of other factors, it might be wrong. And for me…it was, twice.
I held the sink to keep my balance and splashed water on my face. Why was I so scared? Was it because I really didn’t want my mother-in-law to be right? Was it just denial? I didn’t look or feel pregnant, although I had been very emotional lately. I couldn’t believe it. I felt 7 years old, completely unqualified to be given this enormous task. The small room seemed to spin. I walked out to where I would pray dhuhr and hid my discovery from everyone.
Why indeed? I’m married, in love with my husband, my biological clock is right on time, I’ve finished a reasonable amount of education, and have even done some single girl fun stuff. Why am I scared of having a child at what seems to be the most perfect moment in my life ?
Even with all this rationale and even after seeing my little jelly bean bounce around inside and hearing the little heartbeat, happiness is secondary. How are most to-be parents so happy?
So, here’s why I am so mortified… I think.
I will be a mother: that which the Prophet (saw) said to value three time over a father. My child’s father is a far better person than I am, so how can I ask be worthy of that kind of respect? I will be the primary responsibility bearer of all things concerning my child . Every decision I choose to take or not, with my limited capacity and understanding will impact and shape his or her entire life and experiences. In the most profound sense I will be responsible for the spiritual, moral, physical, mental, and social development of my child and will be held to account by all critical eyes of this world and inevitably in the Hereafter. Islamic school, public school, homeschool? regular or cloth diapers? straight to hifdh at 4? soccer or basketball? organic food or regular? Arabic or English at home? Protect him in a bubble or toughen him up with the real world?
Despite all this perceived control over my child’s life I realize how helpless I ultimately am.
I’m afraid because of all that we hear about parents. Despite good intentions and sacrifices, parents are blamed, hated, shunned, and ignored by their children. In the reverse as well, children may hold unrealistic expectations of their parents believing all their actions should be the most upright and become very unforgiving or critical of mistakes they make. Maybe its the hormones but my eyes well up with tears as I think of a phrase my mother would tell me, “I’m human too.”
Will my child be God-fearing, upright, love and appreciate me and somehow remember, that I’m only human too?
(8 votes, average: 4.88 out of 5)
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SubhanAllah sister.
I understand the enormous amount of responsibility placed on a mother. But even if people blame, Allah will reward you if your intentions are correct & if you try hard enough. How the kids really turn out is not in our hands, but giving them good tarbiyyah certainly is in our hands. Leave the rest to Allah. People like us, who haven’t had kids even after 10 years of marriage, would do anything to be in your place right now. So, please accept this beautiful gift from Allah, and enjoy every moment of it.
Love, your sister in Islam.
May Allah bless you with Wonderful righteous children
Brought tears to my eyes Sammer. A very sincere piece and most of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I ask Allah to make it easy for you and help you retain the human side of things whilst striving for ihsan in all your endeavors, ameen.
an absolutely amazing read!!
You’re an awesome friend, and I have no doubt you will be an amazing mother. Jazaakillaah khayr for the thought-provoking article =)
My thoughts exactly….It’s been a thoughtful 6 weeks.
May Allah ta’ala make us strong and knowledgeable for our children and ourselves.
as salamu alaykum Sammer
Mabrook, firstly. May Allah aid you on this new path. Ameen
It is very hard but where you are right now is a good place. Don’t overwhelm yourself but, and I say this after having two kids and lots of ups and downs, DO YOUR HOMEWORK NOW! Most importantly, work on your nafs now. Whatever you feel you are not consistent in that you need to work on, work on now. Beat down those nafs woman. It will come in handy when you have children in so many ways. And one of the most important things children need is consistency in their lives. So if you want them to be consistent, work on it now. I’m repeating myself but how I wish someone would have given me this advice when I was pregnant. And recite Qur’an often. Alhamdulillah, it is a Rahma that Ramadan is approaching. Take advantage of it. I don’t think any mother realizes how well they raised their children until they are raised, but these things are crucial.
I also want to share a reminder that Shaykh Hamza Karamali gave us (I’ve been quoting it a lot so apparently it hit the heart). He told us that fire doesn’t burn and we don’t learn. Allah makes the fire burn when He pleases (remember with Ibrahim alayhis salam?) and we are taught. So turn to Allah and ask of His Mercy as often as you can, be open minded (parenting requires open mindedness!) and be sincere. Insha’Allah Allah will guide you in the best direction. Alhamdulillah for being human.
Salaam alaikum. Jazakillahu khair for the encouraging words and advice. I know this child is a blessing and I hope that I can nurture him or her to be righteous, but because we sometimes feel like we don’t even have enough control over our own selves, it is hard to imagine raising and being responsible for another human being. Keep me in your du’as and I hope to keep the MS audience updated through this amazing experience.
Wa’salaam
Sammer
Sammer, I’m so touched at what you wrote, you know I’ve always been a huge fan of your writing but this piece has now occupied no.1 on my list of favorites. Truly, what comes from the heart reaches the heart. You’ve articulated what is probably so overwhelming to express through words, thank you so much for taking the time to write it.
Sammer,
Your sincerity, sense of responsibility and trust in Allah (swt) will insha’Allah help your raise a righteous, well-rounded Muslim!
Reading your post reminds me of `Imran’s wife and her wish to protect and devote her child to the servitude of Allah. Her du`aas and longing for Allah’s help began even before giving birth, and Allah accepted her du`aas and made her daughter, Maryam (`alayha assalam), the most pure and chaste woman to have ever lived on earth.
SubhanAllah, what a great example for us to follow!
–
Surat Aali `Imran (35-37)
(Remember) when the wife of ‘Imran said, “My Lord, indeed I have pledged to You what is in my womb, consecrated [for Your service], so accept this from me. Indeed, You are the Hearing, the Knowing.”
Then when she delivered her, she said: “O my Lord! I have delivered a female child,” – and Allah knew better what she delivered, – “And the male is not like the female, and I have named her Maryam, and I seek refuge with You for her and for her offspring from Shaytan, the outcast.”
So her Lord accepted her with goodly acceptance, and He made her grow in a good manner …
Mabrook Sammer!
Salaamualaikum my dear Sammer.
SubhanAllah I completely stumbled across this by accident or rather, the Qadar of Allah and Alhamdulillah for it.
Firstly can I just say Alf Mabrook, I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother bithnillahi ta’la.
Secondly, I never thought I’d come across an article that I felt spoke 2 me in such a way. Many times ppl forget or maybe just don’t discuss such feelings. Its almost a taboo to be worried (along with a host of other emotions) when thinking about the prospect of motherhood. I suppose it’s more of a reality now for you. I pray Allah will make it easy for you and that the whole experience will be a blessing for u Ameen.
All my love,
Fatima (ur buddy from London)
That was very real of you to post that. Props to you for being so honest and authentic about your experience and sharing it with others. Just the fact that you care so much with insha’Allah predispose you to being a great, connected mother. Just remember that you created for this role (amongst others) and it only gets easier (I think) as time passes.
Sammer, I love you man. This post was so sincere and real.
InshaAllah may your child be the coolness of your eyes, and may Allah guide you to be an amazing mother
Youll be an amazing mother sis, dont worry. itll be a little hard in the beginning but youll totally get the hang of quickly.IVe raised my little sister ever since I was 13– and it was a little hard but I found it nice and all. nowinshAllah when one day ill be a mother it wontbe as difficult. inshAllah. Just read a LOT!:) and its always nice to take advice from others.
Asalam aliakaaum sister