Parenting Isn’t about Kids

It’s about parents.

Does that sound odd to you? Or even jarring? Let me repeat it: parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents. We’ve always been told and believed the opposite: parenting is about kids. Parenting is about these younger human beings that we’ve been put in charge of. As parents we’re responsible for them—for making sure they have a strong sense of security and high self-esteem. We’re responsible for making sure they’re healthy and normal. We’re responsible for them receiving the best education possible. We’re responsible for providing all the opportunities we possibly can to insure that they are intelligent, well-rounded individuals. We’re responsible for them developing sound morals. We’re responsible for them staying out of trouble. We’re responsible for them choosing the right college and major, the right husband or wife. We’re responsible for them not going to Hell, for crying out loud! Right?

Wrong. Parenting is not about kids–it’s about us, the parents. And we are not responsible for our kids. Instead, we are responsible to our kids. And believe me there is a difference. In this article, I will insha’Allah talk about these two very important principles.

Parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents.

Where should our focus be during our daily interactions with our kids? Most of us focus outward, toward our children. We watch, monitor, guide, reprimand, discipline. We’re always thinking about them—about what they’re doing or not doing. Other times we’re thinking about what they should or could be doing. And then when one of our children misbehaves, we are most definitely focused on them. That’s the time when we must communicate to them that what they did was wrong, and sometimes we actually have to stop them from misbehaving first. Throughout these interactions we’re always focused on them.

It’s time, parents, for us to reprogram. If we want to be the most effective communicators possible, if we want to have the best relationship with our kids, and if we want to deliver the powerful message that certain behavior is not acceptable, then we absolutely must reprogram ourselves. It’s time to stop focusing on our children and start focusing on ourselves.

This means that as we watch, monitor, guide, reprimand, or discipline, we should be focusing inwardly, on ourselves, not on our children. Of course, we remain cognitively aware of what they are doing, but during these moments we need to be aware of what we are thinking and feeling. And most importantly, we need to be calm.

This is especially difficult during those moments when our children misbehave, because inwardly we begin to experience anxious emotions and thoughts. We began to feel angry, sad, resentful, frustrated, or even violent. We also experience thoughts along the same vein, such as “Why did she do that when I told her not to!” or “What was he thinking?!” or “I can’t believe she did that again!” Anxious feelings and thoughts are normal, and I am not saying that they can be eliminated. I repeat, you will not stop experiencing them. What you must do is not act (or shall we say “react”) on them.

When we remain calm, we have the ability to be the most effective parents. Our ability to communicate and discipline effectively is enhanced a hundredfold, if not more. Had we yelled, intimidated, guilt-tripped, or withdrew, we would have greatly reduced our effectiveness. So, the next time one of our children misbehaves, we should consciously recognize that we are experiencing anxious thoughts and emotions, and we should continue to focus on ourselves throughout our exchange with our child. We should remain calm and address the situation, using a calm face and voice, even when that means delivering some form of discipline. Even if a small child must be physically removed from a situation or have something confiscated, we should remain calm and communicate in a calm manner.

When we do this, our child’s ability to hear and understand the message we are communicating does not become hindered by our anxiety. Many of us have a misconception: if we act upset (by yelling or intimidating, for example) this will enhance our child’s ability to understand and internalize or message that their behavior was not acceptable. By displaying our anger, for example, we think we adding impact to the message, but in fact the opposite is true! When we yell or display anxious behavior, we are actually distracting from the message we are trying to deliver and reducing the likelihood it will have a strong impact.

When we are trying to communicate while displaying anxious emotions with a younger child, the child is no longer focusing on the misbehavior, but instead is wondering “How do I calm mom down?” or “How do I stop dad from yelling?” We know we’re yelling important words at them (“My cell phone is not a toy! You cannot play with it!”) but they’re not digesting the words. It’s like what they’re really hearing you say (or scream) is “Calm me down! You did this bad thing, so you must calm me down!” If you have an older child, your emotional reactivity will most likely conjure defensive or argumentative emotions and thoughts within them, or they may just withdraw all together. So instead of hearing what you’re saying, they’re thinking “Mom is so annoying” or “Dad is such a jerk” or “Whatever.”

Where is the moral development in that? Is that really seizing the opportunity to tell them that we must abide by moral principles, or respect boundaries, or adhere to rules, or obey their parents? Our display of anxious emotions and thoughts squelches that opportunity. So, I challenge every parent who is reading this article to apply this principle (focus on yourself and remain calm) for a week. Eliminate your emotional reactivity from your interactions with your children. They may be shocked or act even worse at first, because there has been a break in the cycle and they’ve been thrown off-balance by it, but you will very soon start to see a change in how they receive your parental messages.

We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to our kids.

We do not control our kids, whether they are six months old or sixteen years old. We do not control them. Your toddler will have a tantrum in the store if he wants to or your teenager will break her curfew if she wants to. A perfect example of this happened to me just today. My son knows that he’s not allowed to throw the ball in the house, but today he did it any way, because he wanted to, and when he threw it, it hit me right in the side of the head (painfully and knocking my glasses askew) while I was reading Qur’an. I felt angry and my first thought was “I have told him a thousand times that he is not supposed to throw the ball in the house!” But, despite my countless repetitions that he is not to do that, he did it today because he wanted to.

Many of us would feel entitled in that moment to let off some steam and some scream. We are also most likely experiencing some latent internal commentary: “That child did not obey me. I am responsible for making sure he follows house rules and he didn’t, so therefore his throwing the ball was a representation of my failure to control his behavior, and that stresses me out. I do a good job as a parent, so his behavior should be in line with my good efforts.”

At the end of the day, even if you do the most stellar job possible, your child will do what he or she wants to do. Accept this fact and feel the liberation within it. You do not control your child. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he misbehaves that is entirely his choice. As parents we are responsible for delivering those important moral and ethical messages—for letting our children know that certain behavior is unacceptable. That is our responsibility to our kids, so we should strive to be calm, effective communicators who effectively deliver discipline. We are not responsible for our children—for what they choose to do or not do. We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to our kids. We do not control them, but we do control ourselves. So, parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents. Let’s take ownership of that and apply it. Let’s start a revolution in our homes tonight, by becoming the calm, effective mothers our children need.

Olivia Kompier
Certified Screamfree Leader
www.screamfree.com

Photo Credit: desiredd