Approaching a guy about marriage?
October 4, 2009 by Muslimah Source
Filed under New from our experts!
(915 views)
My question is about how to approach a guy about marriage. I met a guy recently with whom I exchanged some emails briefly. I am not in contact with him anymore but we will likely see each other in future gatherings. He seemed a bit interested in me and I like him, but I don’t know if he’s interested in marriage right now. How do I let him know that I’m interested so he can approach me if he feels the same way? I don’t have a male relative that can help me with this so I’m on my own, though I may be able to ask some friends for help in inquiring about him.
Although we may want many things in this life, we may not get them after all. I think, it is best to start with istikharah, which is a special supplication in the form of prayer to ask Allah if this is the right choice. If you find out it is the right choice by Allah’s Guidance, then you should follow the route of hayaa’ which will guarantee you respect and purity. If this person has a sister or a female relative, maybe you could ask her if he is interested. If he does not have one, maybe the imam of your mosque or his wife (if he has one) should try to help you find out about him. And may Allah help you make the right choice without compromising your Islam.
Answered by Dr. Rasha al-Disuqi
(4 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5)
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salaam,
you are very much in a great dilemma.
however, my advise is just to let you know that whatever you do , just approach it with great caution.
waslaam,
Assalamu Alayqum Sr.,
Keep in mind that everything happens for a reason and everything happens for the better. My advise to you is to write reasons why you are interested in this guy. You have to know why you have feelings for him, what makes him so special? And follow Dr. Rasha’s advice on how to approach him. Insha’Allah. Here’s a good article about love from Br. Webb’s website: http://www.suhaibwebb.com/blog/general/is-this-love-im-feeling/#more-6110
Salam Sister,
I can give you a male perspective. I think Dr. Rasha complicated the easy thing. First, you need to know marriage is a process. I think you should know each very well. This usually takes a while (may be 5-7 months). Of course, you should simply talk with him in person. Make sure there is basic common interests, understanding, and chemistry.I can tell you that after you spend sometime knowing each other better, he will come to you and ask you for marriage.
Basically, you should be emotionally inclined to him. There is no point to marry a person you don’t like just to be married.
Hope this tips are helpful
Sameh
Salam,
my advice is not to approach the guy. He knows you exist and that you are single. So, if he is interested he will come after you. Don’t spend too much time worrying about what is qadar, someone will come for you soon. Just let all the sisters in your community know that you are looking.
Men do not like being proposed to unless they are lazy which means they are NOT deserving of you. Plus if any problems come up during marriage he will say you are the one who wanted to marry me.
So please do not do it…is my advice and Allahu wa Alam.
I disagree with ranita!
For you to go after a brother doesn’t make him any less ’strong’. My older sister told my dad, who talked to the imam of the masjid to ask the brother whether he was interested, and maybe suggest my sister. ALhamdulilah, he agreed, and went to propose right away. now they’re happily married
my point is, he doesn’t have to know that you went to ask for him. also, i would not reccommend asking him yourself.
Assalamu alaikum everybody,
I am baffled by advices here that say smth along the lines of not proposing to him. I can understand where the advice of not proposing in person are coming from. However, what’s wrong about proposing through an intermediary? I am a male and I completely disagree with sister Ranita that men don’t like being proposed to.
Didn’t Khadeejah, radi allahu anha, propose to Muhammad, sallalahu alaihe wa salam, through a female intermediary?
We Muslims of today have complicated the whole process of getting married, to great detriment of our societies.
May Allah help us and He knows better.
Khadija got her (female) friend to ask for her. But you’re right Abdullah… people complicate things that shouldn’t be complicated. As far as not having a mehram and needing one is concerned… The DR. is right in suggesting that you can go to your local Imam and ask him to mediate for you. HOWEVER, this issue really needs to be looked at further… because a number of converts don’t have a male Muslim relative and it is quite difficult… easpecially if you live in an area with little to no Muslims.
especially*
Assalamu alaikum sis,
I am not in any position to give any advice whatsoever! I did want to tell you one thing: if you do get married to this guy at the end, HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST MARRIAGE EVER! salams!
Aameen to maryams duas. Im sure u will be v happy 2gether, if its the will of Allah. I suggest u do istikhara 1st though. You wont necessarily get a dream, but u may get a good feeling of some sort.
May Allah guide u both to wot is best – aameen.
Salam.
refering to umm-mohammed, what if we get a dream of someone? I got a weird dream last few weeks. Even so I’m not really thinking of marriage at that time. Even so, I’m not ever really thinking of the guy. It’s kinda weird to have that dream. I’m not so sure whether it is a true dream but as far as my observed, there’s nothing bad with the dream. Furthermore, I am in wuduk before I sleep and while reading book about iman until I fall asleep.. (the night I got the dream). Indeed it is not a bad dream. But still until today I trying to figure out what’s the meaning of the dream. Not bad enough that the guy in the dream was just someone surround me. I have no idea whether is it a hint from Allah. I do istikharah for many times. But I’m not sure what to do next. i do have the intention for marriage. however, considering whether I’m still young to face the responsibility and challenges that might be. (goin to turn to 20 this year). I’m looking foward for His answer to my prayer.
Sister Nur,
Assalamualaikum. I would just make dua’a in Salat for guidance and answers. Dreams are not always meant to be interpretted. As far as your age goes…going through the process of a proposal forces you (in a positive way) to grow up. Also, many times, just looking for the right spouse takes a long time. Don’t worry about your age. Some people feel as if they will not be ready until 30. Marriage is half of your deen:) May Allah make this process easier and pleasant for you. Ameen.
Just have the right intention, be brief with him to the point. Brother, are you married? Are you interested in getting married? I definately think I would like to get to know you more. Good luck.
I am going to be releasing a special video next week on this subject – all about whether or not a sister should initiate the marriage process (always with a wali supporting her) through a 3rd party.
If any sisters are interested, visit the link above to join my “fan” page, and get on the mailing list as well.
Jazakum Allahu Khairan
salamunalaikum.
Yes. Its easy to fall in love with someone.But falling in love with the right person,at the right time,to the right degree,for the right purpose and in the right environment is not easy for many but also not impossible for many few.Success in marriage dosent’ come merely by choosing the right mate but by being the right spouse.
Salam Alaikum.. mashalla what you said is totally true… You have to select the right time, the right person and the right environment and all that within the a certain degree.. but unfortunately this doesn’t happen in reality that happened only in an ideal world that is not exist..