Beauty Insecurity
May 7, 2009 by Zahra M
Filed under Personal Development
Part I: The Problem (Tip of the Iceberg)
Aww, a glorious summer day: birds chirping and the green grass ornamented with prim picnic mats couldn’t look any fresher. The aunties are talking about the latest addition to the family. Babies never fail to be a bundle of joy, right? The aunties start talking: “Oh, mubarak on the new baby, how is she?” “She’s fine and healthy, lakin us kaa rang thora kum hai…” (but her skin color is a bit dark) Wait, what?! Isn’t this a time for celebration of life, thanking Allah for a new addition to the family? I am appalled, seriously. Why did we have to ruin the ideal picnic? Why is it that the first day a baby is born this attribute – skin color – is focused on right away? Are certain cultural attitudes condemning baby girls (and boys) with lack of “marriageability” from day one? The sad reality is…yes. We have drifted from being the Ummah blind to outer appearances to an Ummah concerned about sure, deen and all that other good stuff, but in our hearts, judging others based on looks, skin color, race…and all these other practices of pure jahiliya (ignorance) still remain.
It’s human nature to be drawn to what is beautiful – this cannot be denied. But when others have already defined what is appeasing to the eye, how is human nature and personal interest driving this judgment anymore? Thing is, it’s not. When aunties and uncles (usually it seems to be the aunties) predispose baby A to being less marriageable than baby B because her nose is shaped a certain way, because her eye color is a bit lighter or because her skin is darker, we have a serious problem. When sisters or brothers looking to get married compare future potential spouses with celebrities’ photo-shopped looks or put the potential’s pictures on a tray for all their (many-a-time) immature friends to choose between, this is a serious hindrance to our Ummah.
The point is not to bash aunties – actually, we all have similar attitudes whether we admit it or not. The point isn’t simply to stop friends from talking about who would be a nice match for them. The main problem is: ourselves. We let these ignorant attitudes permeate into our hearts and souls and don’t take the opportunity to stop them. The time has come to reevaluate our own relationship with our Creator, Allah the Most High. He is the Most Merciful, He is the Glorified. And did I mention He is the Creator? Of everything and everyone? And that includes the people who society may deem pretty, ugly, fat, thin, angry-looking, plain, glamorous all coming in varieties of colors? Indeed, He is our Creator.
Society’s standards of what is beautiful have blinded us from determining this ourselves. The point is, actually, is it even our role or responsibility to say who or what is beautiful? In some ways, we can appreciate the creation of Allah (swt) but in other ways, if it turns into gossip, backbiting and laghw (idle talk), what is the benefit for us in this life and hereafter?
Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said:
“Allah does not look at your appearance or your possessions, but He looks at your heart and your deeds.” (Muslim)
Shaytan’s evil sin of arrogance arose because of a belief that he was better based on his physical characteristics – being made of fire while Allah fashioned Adam (upon him be peace) from clay. What better are our attitudes if we condemn babies from the day they are born to a life of ‘ugliness’? Have we truly understood that beauty is heart deep – heart deep and overflowing its beautiful essence onto the actions of our limbs in servitude to our Creator? Have we appreciate that Allah has honored the diversity of human beings’ physical differences?
“And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. Verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge.” (Qur’an – Ar-Rum 30:22)
Thus, one of Allah’s signs is the different languages and colors humans represent. Thus, inshaAllah, this article series will explore this very notion of beauty and it’s going to get ‘juicy’, as we share real-life incidents of ‘beauty’ and racism issues in our community and the root problem: not giving priority to the beauty of hearts, the true and ultimate representation of a person in the sight of Allah. With a firm intention to purify one’s heart, we as Muslim women can focus on our journey to Allah (swt) and not our journey towards society’s pleasure. Finally, we all can say we don’t care about beauty, but how in the world do we actually convince ourselves that it doesn’t matter? What is the correct Islamic understanding of beauty in the first place? Stay tuned…
Photo: Looking for a Lighthouse
As intelligent, informed readers, please share other forms of beauty insecurity and racism you see within the Muslim community in the comments section. We need to work together to uproot this filth from our communities and come closer to Allah through a true spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood.
Stay tuned for the next few articles in the series: CASE STUDIES and SOLUTIONS to this issue of ‘beauty’ insecurity in our communities
Email zahra@muslimahsource.org to share examples of racism you have witnessed or solutions you may have to offer!
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Jazaki Allahu khyran Zahra for writing about such an important topic. It’s indeed very sad that one of the main principles of Islam is the concept of equality, yet, we as muslims have built so many gaps between each other because of our nationality, skin color…etc etc. May Allah `azza wa wal make us the mean to bring forth the real beauty of our deen and allow us to practice it to the best of our abilities… ameen ya rabb al`alamen.
Mashallah, very well written Zahra….I can totally relate to this because when my son was born, his color is what everyone (by that I mean ‘aunties’ of course, lol) was talking about how dark he is. It really hurt me because I didn’t think he was dark but everyone just kept pointing it out to me over and over again. I just think that people who truly fear Allah don’t judge someone based on their appearances. It is truly the ignorant who commit such injustice. May Allah guide them.
And even if he HAD been dark, so what?
I find this such an appalling trend that my jaw just drops open. SubhanAllah. Infants, none the less, beautiful, pure creations of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.
Yes.. Thank you Zahra for writing a very important subject, may Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Jazakillahu Khairan.
~laila
just to reinforce how correct this aritcle is … subhan Allah i am pregnant with my first child. and my husbands family and mine were sooo happy cause it took us a while to get pregnant! i am near my due date now and my husband was telling his mother he saw a dream of his future baby girl!! u know what his mother asked…. WAS SHE WHITE !!!
now come off it, i do find that sooo out of line. and i feel soo guilty cause now i feel presure what if she isnt white and beautiful ..astaghferallah , i hate myself cause of this feeling. i am so grateful for this gift and i ask Allah that she is pious and healthy but why do these feelings of beauty keep creeping up on me ??
it is really ignorance.
You should not feel any pressure sister. Allah is Al-Khaliq and He will shape your baby in any form or fashion that He wills, long decreed in a book created beyond the boundaries of time. How then, should you feel any pressure at all? Perhaps this is an opportunity to remind everyone around you that this comment was hurtful, and a reminder of who it is that created every single person.
Asalamu Alikum warahmatu Allah. MashaAllah, great article. Jazaki Allah khair sister. I think we have to thank Allah for saving us from such ignorant attitudes. Alhamdulilah. Many times I seriously think these aunties do not realize how ignorant this attitude is. It really upsets me when I see how much people talk and care about looks, subhanaAllah.
What I think we need is the above article translated into different languages!
May Allah guide us all aright.
wa iyaakum sisters. I’m interested to know what other types of standards do people in our communities have about beauty and what effect does that have upon our communities?
I really do believe some of these ‘constructed’ versions of beauty run so deep in certain cultures that it’s hard to overturn them.
But interestingly, I think we need to REFRAME these standards. We need to look at them in another way.
For example, with dark skin, I read a book a while ago when I was in middle school or high school that was beautiful because someone told the main character who had dark skin and thought she was ugly that she really was BEAUTIFUL and gave her a nickname of: chocolate
Similarly, just this morning in my Sunday school class, a student of mine told me how her mom had a baby and we were talking about the baby and she said: but her skin is really dark. I’m like, “Hey…that doesn’t matter, I think dark skin is beautiful. ”
She seemed happier after that.
wa Allahu alam.
I think dark skin is nice if you look like Tatyana Ali.
Gee, Omar, I thought you were hell-bent on personifying the worst the Ummah has to offer in terms of misogyny, didn’t know that you’re also out to be the standard-bearer for Muslim racists!
This comment has been edited as part of an effort to ensure that the comments posted within the context of discussions provoked by the pieces posted on MuslimahSource.org maintain both their relevance to the topic and an acceptable level of maturity. — Admin
Salaam aleykum ramatula wa barakatu.
Omar akhi, all our sisters and mothers are beautiful mashalla, regardless of their skin color. I’m married to the most beautiful gal around alhamdulillah and she’s not white! If Allah swt blesses us with children I will take it for what it is, a blessing not a worry on skin color! One of the things that must be remembered is what our Prophet salalahu alehiwasalem said in his last kutba was that no one is better than another because of his or her race but indeed it is their righteousness that their raab takes into account.
Jazakummu Allah khayr for this article.
subhanallah if you had two people standing infront of you one black and one white how can you think the white one is better when they both have the same waste sitting inside them! there is no dfference between them black skin is like white skin just dfferent colours just like having brown hair and blond hair. And your skin colour in this world is temparary. if you go to jannah you’ll look different and if you go to hell fire you’ll look dfferent. So i think one way to cure loving white skin more is to remember that it is temparary.
assalam `alaykum
I actually had written my final paper regarding racism within the Muslim community. Though it wasn’t fully developed as I had procrastinated
But some of the realizations and reminders I had while writing it was
-how immigrants (mainly arabs/ indo- pakistani’s) feel the need to remain more dominant within the community and shut out others not from their race. I remember back in ISNA – there was a session with Imam Siraj Wahaj, and I specifically remember a sister, African American, who stated that in her masjid, she had repeatedly gone up to a sister (who was of Indo/Pakistani decent) and she REFUSED to give her the proper Islamic greeting in return. This sister remained persistent until the Pakistani sister had finally come to terms (with her own racism) and finally returned the salaam. Appalling much!
-I see that more of the American born (most) are more accepting of other ethnicity within their community, and the trend of inter-racial marriages are on the rise. (Wal Hamdulil Lah!)
-Another problem I see related to this is the role media plays in this. How the immigrant Arabs and Indo Pakistanis will view “others” as incompetent to the deen. I say this because often times I have heard “Dont play with this kid because he has a different upbringing than you” (or she) Subhan Allah, had it not been for the role of media (news, movies, etc) -most immigrants may not have so much of a problem with “mixing with another race”
But Islam tells us to see passed that, we are supposed to get to know one another.
“49:13 O men! Behold, We have created you all out of a male and a female, [15] and have made you into nations and tribes, so that you might come to know one another. [16] Verily, the noblest of you in the sight of God is the one who is most deeply conscious of Him. Behold, God is all-knowing, all-aware. ”
I look forward to reading more on this in sha’ Allah. Barak Allahu fiki Zahra M!
I’ve found that the best way to cut out such remarks is to respond with something that thanks them for their opinion, and that your opinion is different.
So if someone says baby XYZ is dark/pale/green/purple/whatever I’d just say “Yeah that’s fine. I think he/she looks so beautiful.” – The first part of your sentence makes the assertion that there is nothing wrong with being dark / pale / green, etc., and that in your view and the views of your acquaintances, its PERFECTLY FINE. The second part of your statement goes one step further and reinforces the opinion that the baby is beautiful and that such superficial characteristics as being discussed are even worthy of being pursued.
Or you say something like “Thanks for your opinion, but I think she looks just fabulous! I wouldnt want to change her in any way at all!” – and flash a big smile and then go back to playing with the baby.
SubhanAllah, I can relate to this issue of racism that has plagued our community. As a black sister (who is neither ‘dark’ nor ‘light’ but somewhere in the middle) I have noticed that within my community people seem to value lighter skin toned sisters. Heck, this is even prevalent in other communities too. For example, some muslim matrimonial websites you’re able to filter out potential spouse by skin tone?!?. Not by ones racial/ethnic identification, but by their skin tone!! (i.e. fair, medium to fair, medium to dark, dark, etc.)
I find it sad that beauty is ONLY associated with the complexion of ones skin (and secondly their physical features). SubhanAllah, it’s a reality in our community that when a sister or a brother is seeking for a potential spouse they would look for individuals that are lighter then themselves. Partly, because they do not want their children to be “dark”!
While, others don’t care about skin tones (alhamdulillah) but their parents would not allow them to marry that potential spouse. It’s no secrete that sister of darker complexions (within their own ethnic/racial community) may have a difficult time finding a husband compared to their lighter sisters or white revert sisters. By difficult I mean they have limited amount of brothers to choose from. For example, they cannot marry a brother whom they like just because his parents do not approve of her being “darker” than their son. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing lighter sisters or white reverts. However, this is an issue that is commonly being practiced in our Muslim community. The least we can do is acknowledge that these type of racism are occurring. Hopefully, by acknowledging it we can move on to prevent such racism from happening inshAllah.