In my skin…

It’s taken me a long time to finally be comfortable in my skin, in this hijab which is also just as much a part of me. It’s taken a long time to feel confident, to feel content and happy, despite sticking out like a sore thumb. It took a long time to look at “pretty” girls and not feel jealous, wishing I could be thought of as “pretty” again.

I remember very clearly, I was walking out of one of my classes (in high school), and a boy walked out from a classroom near-by. We were headed toward the stairwell, but it was pretty crowded. He met up with another girl, and they both stood behind me as we inched closer to the stairs. He said to her, in a hushed whisper (which made it worse), ” She’s the ugliest girl in school.”

That very literally shattered my self-esteem and self-worth. Especially because I had just started wearing hijab, although my looks didn’t matter much to me, the comment hit me hard. I knew I was covering my “beauty” but did that mean I was really ugly? It was one thing to be strange and foreign, another to be so blatantly judged as ugly. I didn’t wear cute, colorful scarves or know anything about makeup. His comment didn’t change any of that. But, I changed …

It’s been a long time since then.

I hold my head higher now, I make it a point to not divert eye contact from women who are walking towards me. I am not intimidated. I am not ashamed. If you think I’m ugly, that’s quite alright. My standards of beauty, and criteria for beauty are much different than what they were as a 14 year old in high school. Heba (from Jack and Bobby) said it well that this is me, saying yes to Allah, and to my faith, and saying NO, to the oppression and degradation, the exploitation of a woman for her body; that her sexuality should be flaunted and that should be the judgment of her value and self-worth.

I am worth more… more than what L’Oréal can ever offer.

So, I’m more confident now with myself and my faith (although I have so much to work on). I am happier now with the decisions I have made than I was while making them, because although there was faith in the righteousness of my decision, I now have “real world” experience in the benefits it reaps. Those who looked down on me before still may do so, but like Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”