An Open Letter to Mr. Single-and-Looking

I heard what happened and it really irritated me. It’s not that I was upset myself, not at all! I was just miffed to the point that I knew this was something I had to blog about. That’s because I have a heart, you know, and it’s not a cold boulder – it’s alive and it can feel pain and joy, both. You said what you had to say but, unlike many others, I couldn’t overlook the ridiculous nature of your “preferences”.

Why are you shocked at my reaction? How else am I supposed to think and react when you set out to look for a life partner, only to act in a way that is beyond understanding? You don’t get it yet, do you? Let me break it down for you. First off, I am told you are looking for someone “short, fair and beautiful”. Wow, what a way to go! Would you like to order anything else on the side? Hmm, maybe morals and a loving heart? No? Too tricky… well then, your order should be ready in a while – minus the flavorings and peace that you seek in marriage, sir!

I think someone in your family forgot to tell you what marriage really is about. Sure, everyone wants their spouse to be pleasing to the sense of sight but is that all there is to it? Did you think to ask if I care for the One Who made me? How did you decide my physical beauty was proof enough for a shining character, a tender heart? Does the fairness of my skin guarantee you’ll find comfort with me when you are down in the dumps? Am I merely a “trophy wife”, meant to appease your social circle? Am I that enchanting accessory you’ll take along to social events, to show off the success of your matrimonial hunt?

Don’t think I am writing this because I am among the group of girls you classify as “not beautiful” (let’s leave out the word ‘ugly‘, shall we?). Even by your very own flawed definition of “beauty”, I’d probably be eligible but right now, it isn’t about me. It’s about you for the moment. Let’s talk beauty now, if we must, and let’s go by your definition. Tell me, are you as handsome, in degrees, as the beautiful bride you seek? Are you tall and fair with a perfect nose and blue eyes? Are you the athletic type? I’ll stop here because it disgusts me to continuously talk about beauty on so superficial a level.

However, my real aim in this monologue is something more worthwhile to be talking about. I don’t know if you’ll ever hear this from anyone else so I’ll help you out and let you know what you should be looking for in a girl. I intend not to preach to you but to show you what you are sorely missing out on. Marriage was never meant as a means to snag the prettiest lady on the market, at least not in our Deen. The Prophet(saw), who excelled in all aspects of his life, pointed it out for young eligible bachelors like yourself that the best lady you’ll ever have for a life-partner would be the pious one. That’s the girl who cares enough about her Rabb that she takes His Words as supreme and His Messenger(saw)’s life as her guide. And guess what? It’s your gain all the way. Let’s see how…

You take the lead:

She’s the one who will accept you as her Qawaam from day one. That’s right – she’ll see you as more than just a life-partner but as someone to look up to, to learn from, to work together with in raising your little family. If you ask her to do something that’s within the limits of the Shariah, she won’t scoff at it and call you a “male chauvinist”! For the girl who is knowledgeable about her duties as a wife in Islam, her husband takes the top-seat on the priority list (when it comes to giving rights) and not her own relatives, friends or coworkers.

Your joy is her joy:

You read that right. A life partner who is keen to please Allah(swt) knows her joys lie in the peace and comfort she can provide to you. Do you think she’s going to be happy when you’re upset or troubled by something? No way – she’s going to do whatever she can to make your life comfortable. When you come home from work, exhausted, she won’t rush to you with all her problems but meet you with a smile, hiding her own issues back for later, when you‘ve rested. Sure, she’s not a robot and has her own likes and dislikes too but many a time, she’ll lovingly forego what she wants, seeking your happiness and through that, Allah(swt)’s Pleasure.

You’re the man… the *only* man:

A pious lady who obeys the command of Allah(swt) to restrain her gaze (that applies to men too, by the way) won’t let her sight drift towards other men she comes across. The moment she gives her consent in the Nikah, there’s no other person for her but you. Yes, that’s how (most) girls are, practicing Muslim girls more so – the idea of ever marrying someone else is something abhorrent to them if their husband is a decent and caring guy (even by very average standards). In fact, you won’t find the righteous wife drooling over male celebrities either, as is so common today!

So that means, when you overhear your coworker voice a suspicion that his wife is involved in an affair with someone, you would know for sure – as if it was engraved in stone – that your wife would never do that, if she really is conscious of Allah(swt). If you don’t know how much peace that brings to the husband, to know his household is built on stable foundations, ask those who’ve grown up in broken homes or someone whose spouse deserted them for another.

You win, most times!

One piece of advice wise mothers and female relatives give the young girl on her marriage is to avoid pointless arguments and disputes with her husband as much as she can. In case of the believing Muslim woman, who knows the high merit of forgiveness and tolerance, this achieves greater heights. Even when you storm off in anger over something that displeased you, she’ll conceal her hurt and meet you with a smile the next day.

You did something that was obviously wrong and she knew she was right, yet she’ll make the move to compromise with you, if not brushing off the matter altogether. Yes, husbands make compromises too but the focus is on the pious wife and how she views her relationship, the ups and the downs, with you and how she chooses to react.

You are not alone:

It’s not only when you’re happy and carefree that your righteous wife would meet your needs. Have you ever thought about those moments in life where everything seems bleak? Nothing seems to work out, all plans and ideas fail in succession. Some people suffer terrible blows to their self-esteem and confidence when they suddenly lose their job. Or imagine the pain that the passing away of a near relative causes. Who will comfort you and hold you up in those dark moments better than your closest companion in life, the woman who knows it is her duty to Allah(swt) to support you?

Your pain is her pain. Your joy, your peace and your success is what gives real joy to the pious woman. She doesn’t bundle up the kids in the car and drive off to her parents’ home when difficult times strike you. She digs in her heels and refuses to leave you at the mercy of your troubles. Forget the bigger issues, she’ll be careful if you have so much as a slight headache. Knowing the Prophet(saw)’s Hadith about the woman whose husband would be so pleased with her that she will enter Jannah because of it, she’ll grab every opportunity to qualify for that prize.

Your secrets are safe with her:

If you feel I have been too idealistic so far, I’ll shift on to something that’s a real and accepted part of every relationship: disagreements. Two people who care for each other are, nevertheless, not immune to disputes. However, while your friend’s wife raises a racket and makes it known to the world how she was wronged by him and how terrible a person he is, your wife’s reaction will be totally opposite to that. You’ll have a fallout with her and she won’t even tell her parents, let alone any one else, what went on. She might huff and puff, let out the anger before her Rabb during her prayer but, with common everyday disagreements that are a part of life, it won’t leave the four walls of your home.

That means your reputation, your respect in the eyes of people around you will not suffer at the hands of your wife. In fact, it’s more likely that she’ll cover up for your faults as best as she can, knowing that no human being is perfect. She will recall the examples from the pious people before her, how they managed their relationships, even when one of the spouses had issues with the other.

Your family is cared for:

Even though it isn’t her duty, a Muslimah who’s wise and understands the delicate inter-relationships after marriage will not only take care of you but also take care of those important to you. From in-laws to distant relations, her aim would be to keep things comfortable and pleasant for everyone so that, at the end of the day, it is you (yeah, read that again, please!) who will find peace of mind in the healthy environment around you.

Sure, it won’t always be all happy and dandy because that’s how human beings are but unnecessary arguments, holding grudges for year upon year… that’s not what the Allah-conscious woman would ever do. The pious woman who’s read the Ahadith about the rewards in store for the one who mends ties and does Ihsan will try to make sure she grabs those opportunities to keep warm family ties, even with people who’re not easy to get along with.

You have a helping hand:

The best example I have for this is Fatimah(ra), the Prophet(saw)’s daughter. When her husband Ali (ra) could not afford to have a servant, she did not make a big fuss over it. Instead, she rolled up her sleeves and did all that was required to do, all by herself. She would toil at her own expense, shared his burden and tried to run the household as best as she could, within her means.

Today, with the global recession tightening its grip on households where the husband is the sole breadwinner, the value of a helping hand from the wife is appreciable. She isn’t required to work but if she does so, for the sake of her family in tough financial conditions, it is a major act on her part – and she would do whatever her situation allowed her, in pursuit of Allah(swt)’s Pleasure.

After putting all this down in words, I feel even more sad for you. You’re setting out to marry a girl with her superficial aspects being your basic priority while what will really benefit you is much deeper. You are willing to settle for only part of the joys that marriage brings while being at real risk of losing out on the more lasting share. This is because superficial beauty will fade with time but the love that builds on sincerity, caring and forgiving one another will only strengthen as the years go by. Over all, the wife who is sensible and knows her job description given by Allah(swt) will manage herself, her children and her household in the best way possible, ultimately bringing peace and tranquility to the two of you and those around you. If that isn’t what marriage is about, I don’t know what is!

As for the irritation I felt and expressed, do not think it is because I am worried about staying single or that your failed proposal makes me concerned about the future. What is written for each one of us, will surely come our way and we can neither hasten it, nor delay it. My hopes are in Allah(swt) Who defined my future role for me. As for me, I’ll take on that role for the person who seeks such a spouse in the first place. It is for the one seeking a pious partner that I would feel any respect and love – the foundation for a lasting relationship. What I really feel sorry for is that you, and so many others like you, are robbing yourselves of the greatest joy in life…

The Prophet(saw) said, “The whole world is a provision and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.”