Drive-by Desperation
February 20, 2009 by Roberta D
Filed under Relationships
I came down from my apartment with my friend Sarah, and just as I was about to get into her car to go to class, a woman in a minivan parked a little ways behind us pulled up alongside Sarah’s car. She rolled down her passenger side window, and said:
“Excuse me, sister, can I just ask you a question? I’m sorry, but I just really have to ask you something.”
“Sure,” I said, as I walked around between the cars. I thought she was going to ask me for directions to the nearest masjid or something. Maybe even ask about converting to Islam, but as I peered into the car at her, I saw trouble in her eyes.
I wasn’t sure then and I’m not sure now if she’s Muslim or not. She was an ethnic woman, perhaps Hispanic, Pinay or Laotian mixed with African American; no way to know for sure. She was beautiful. And seriously troubled. She paused a moment when I came up to her window, as if considering whether or not she really wanted to speak.
When words finally came to her, her speech was quick and disjointed:
“I just want to ask you a question–I’m not even sure why I’m asking you I–you see I’ve been married to a Muslim man for the past three years–I don’t know why I’m even talking to you but, still–I’ve been married to a Muslim man for the past three years. I know everyone is different…” her voice trailed off.
Did she mean not all Muslims were the same?
As though she found the words she had lost, she continued, “But I’m married to a Muslim man and we have two children and one on the way.”
She was about six months along, and she motioned to her other two small children in the back, a heavy knot formed in my stomach and I knew this wasn’t good or easy.
“…And he’s going back to his country soon, and I’m happy for him, and I want to throw him a party and everything, and make food, and invite people, but I just–.” She stopped for a moment, and I could see the tears welling in her eyes.
“I just don’t know what to do,” she finally continued. “I don’t know why I’m saying all of this to you, but I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to throw him a party, but I’m just sick of the craziness, and sometimes I just want the craziness to stop, you know?”
Her eyes pleaded with mine, and I suddenly felt tears springing to my own eyes–my mind raced as I tried to figure out what to tell her; the reality that she had a problem was apparent, but I had no idea what was wrong. How could I advise her, should I take her number, should I give her my number, would she ever call if I did?
“It doesn’t make me feel good, it doesn’t help me get closer to Allah, I don’t feel more connected to Allah with all of this, I just want the craziness to stop. Now he’s doing marijuana and everything, and I don’t know how long I can continue on like this.”
“Oh, no…” I muttered as I heard ‘marijuana.’ I thought to myself again that I should get her information, and contact someone that maybe could help her.
”I don’t know why I’m asking you, but I just don’t know what to do right now, I don’t know how to handle this and my husband is coming right now so just, just–” her voice rose into a pleasant falsetto –,”It was nice running into you again!”
She waved, and it took me a second to realize that her husband was coming up from wherever he had been when she was waiting for him in the van earlier. He was a man with a thin beard and dressed in a dress shirt and pants, maybe Moroccan. I forced a smile, scared of what might happen if I didn’t, and waved and called out, “Yeah it was nice seeing you, bye!” and walked over to the other side of Sarah’s car and got in.
That was that. An experience that ended as abruptly as it began. I still wonder what it is I should have done in that situation. I have so many unanswered questions about her life. I wish I had known of some resource for her. From what she said to me, it seemed like her husband was using Islam as a tool to either abuse her or excuse his abuse or neglect. There was so much that her eyes said that her words could not. Drugs were the only problem she could voice in the brief hit-and-run on the street. What would have been revealed if she could really share her burdens? The woman’s calling me out randomly in the street was a sign of desperation. The act of a woman who doesn’t know a way out, and has nobody she can count on. May Allah give her justice. I don’t know what happened to that woman, and I probably never will. I pray that her life has improved. But I still wonder what I could have/should have done.
What would you have done if you were in my shoes? What’s the best way to help someone when you can only speak with them for a minute? Is there anything that can be done? How can we be prepared for things like that?
Photo: Scott Robinson
(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
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Assalamu-alaikum.
Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
I guess, all we can do is pray, pray for everyone, pray for non-muslims to become muslims, faux-muslims to become eu-muslims, pray for muslims to become better muslims, and more than everything, teach our children what Islam is, especially our boys that you can’t use culture/social pressure to legitimize un-islamic ways, teach them to first give people their rights before expecting rights. I see it everyday, everywhere, and i wish and pray that some day InshaAllah all mothers will bring up their boys to be men who respect and care for women as they ought to be cared for. Most men, either in the name of Islam or culture, are very insistent on taking their preferential rights – the right to govern, the right to make decisions, but they forget the basic rights that Islam has given women – the right to dignity and justice, leave alone ‘preferential’ rights…. Maybe boys will be influenced by what they see around, but If mothers ingrain in their children, the fear of Allah, the fact that a fellow Muslim’s right to dignity is inviolable, maybe, by Allah’s grace, we will be able to break this cycle. Just like the solution to every other problem, all we have to do is try and be closer to Allah, educate ourselves and our loved ones, and make du’a.
I see so many women suffer like this, most carry on even in the most suffocating of marriages just for their children, just because they now that they know that there is no place, no sympathy, no shelter around for women like them. Where would they go and ask for justice and understanding? Who would hold a man accountable for all those injustices? I can only see the long-term solution to these problems, and that is to establish Sharia law
… in the meanwhile, i guess all we can do is to try and establish social-support system for our women, and carry around their business cards in our purses….
May Allah make us all better muslims, muslims whose words and deeds lighten people’s burdens and make their faith stronger in Allah, and make us not of those who do injustice to our religion by being unjust to others…
P.S.: apologies for the ’strong’ sentiments, but I am so heart-broken at seeing women treated like this everywhere.
ameen to all your dua about Muslims raising boys to be good men! I agree with your sentiments, and don’t think they’re too strong at all. If you have a ’strong’ reaction to injustice, then alhamdulillah!
I also was going to suggest the “business” card…sometimes if you only have a few seconds, this can be a lifeline to someone. If you really are open to helping a sister in need (listening), just have a card with your own phone number. If you have cards for a shelter/women’s services, no where on the card should it say “domestic violence” or “shelter” – think about if the husband finds the card, he will be really angry.
Your story did not mention whether the woman was a completely random stranger, or someone who lives in the neighborhood. If she lives nearby, and you see her just in passing, be sure to wave. Smile. Build up trust that maybe some time she will come to you when she needs it. Allah will give her strength through your presence, a wave and hello can mean a lot.
This woman may not be in physical danger. She may be desperately in need of a friend or Allah’s reassuring presence. Remember, she is not Muslim, but married to one – most likely her family has rejected her. Even if the family is in contact, she dare not ever criticize her husband to them, or risk the “I told you so, just leave the jerk”. Her non-Muslim friends probably think the same.
This is social problem in more ways than one. American society is fractured and isolated for many, without the safety net of an extended family and even many church-goers are now too self-consumed to truly provide emotional support. This woman, were she a Christian, could not turn to her church either.
Something for all of us to think about, extending our friendship. Do we take every opportunity or only pick select ones?
jazaki Allahu khayran for your very constructive comment. I hadn’t even thought about a card with a number on it, since it’s never happened to me before. Do women’s shelters have cards like that with just a number? That’s such a good idea! She wasn’t someone that lived in the neighborhood, as far as I know her husband was just dropping by to get speak to someone or maybe drop something off.
I didn’t even think about the social ramifications of taking heat for marrying a Muslim and then feeling unable to complain to family about the man because of the “I told you so” reaction
. That’s really problematic…
agree with Sr Madaline. if you dont have a business card yourself, i’d go as far as to pretend that she was my long lost college friend, and could i please have her phone number to catch up sometime…
Another great idea!