Eleven White Roses (Part 4)
October 21, 2009 by Guest Authors
Filed under Featured, Relationships
Previous installments:
Eleven White Roses (Part 1)
Eleven White Roses (Part 2)
Eleven White Roses (Part 3)
Chapter Twelve – October 2007
I was so excited. My new husband had been gone from our home the entire day at his clinical rotation and when he left, the apartment floor was strewn in boxes and halfway un-packed belongings. I worked as fast as I could the entire day without a single pause—cooking, cleaning, organizing, and decorating. I made certain to appease all human senses. I decorated with complimentary colors and textures. I played soft Islamic songs in the background on our new sound system. I sprinkled carpet scent generously over the entire flooring before I vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom with a specific scented cleaner that my husband said he liked before, and even finished all the laundry.
I did not leave a single knick-knack that was not matching or out of place. I did not let a single item of furniture appear twisted or turned improperly. I dusted every single baseboard, cleaned and shined every mirror and window, and scrubbed every hard floor. And I cooked one of my favorite pasta, lamb, and alfredo dishes with a side salad and fresh, homemade garlic bread per his request.
I also made sure to doll myself up appropriately. I saturated my hair with curling mousse and let my long, highlighted locks dry similarly to how I had seen on magazine covers screaming, “How to Get the Best Beach Hair.” I wore the cutest sun dress that was sleeveless and had a cinched chest. I put on glimmering makeup and long, dangly earrings, rings, and even an anklet and toe ring. I even wore whitening strips on my teeth.
When my husband came home the hot food had just been placed on the table. I welcomed him and loosened his tie to be helpful, and he inhaled in exaggeration and grinned from ear to ear.
“What did you do?” he exclaimed, looking around, “I can’t believe it. This is amazing.” I beamed and he wandered around the small apartment, surveying my hard work. He opened drawers, “I’ve never seen my wife beaters folded so nicely!” he exclaimed and I laughed. “Actually, I’ve never seen them folded at all.”
I felt so wonderful and remained silent and grateful as he praised me, looking around and hanging his lab coat on the hook I put up for him behind the bedroom door. But suddenly, his expression changed a little and I was only partially oblivious to this.
As we sat down to eat at our counter-height table, I crossed my legs and smiled. I wanted him to notice my anklet. I always felt like silver flattered my skin tone. And I had freshly shaven, and was sure he would appreciate my legs in the short, tight dress. I had, up until this point, maintained my lean figure and was certain that he would notice. Instead, his expression became more and more grim as he ate the food on his plate.
“Do you like the food?” I asked, curiously.
“You know I told you I loved this dish the first time you made it,” he said, and then looked at me for the first time since he began to eat. He had this odd look of hatred in his eyes, like he was thinking about losing his temper. I clenched my eating utensil and held my breath.
“Ok,” he said, “I can’t stand it anymore.”
“What?” I asked, worried.
“It’s just—you’re so f*cking ugly, I can’t stand to look at you and eat my food at the same time.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I sat there, staring at him as if I was waiting for him to tell me he was kidding. I had never been cursed at before marrying Jameel. I had also never been called ugly to my face before.
“Look at you; you look like a f*cking boy. Do you have any chest at all? I feel like I’m sitting next to a transvestite.”
I sat in front of him and did not even try to hide the tears from rolling down. I was paralyzed. I was in a nightmarish shock. He took a few more bites of his food and then finally threw his fork down.
“Look, can you just get up and change? Cover up, you just look too f*cking disgusting to wear stuff like that. I honestly can’t eat my food without puking if you sit in front of me any longer. Now get out of my face and put something else on.”
I got up and ran out of the room to the bedroom crying. I wanted to run away, but I didn’t. I wanted to shout at my husband, but I didn’t. I simply changed my clothes into a high turtleneck and long jeans. I wiped off my makeup and put my hair into a ponytail and returned to the room and sat in front of my husband.
“Thanks for covering the eye sore,” he said, “and never show me that dress again.”
I finished my plate of food and then took a second plate, and a third. My stomach hurt a little but I kept eating and I didn’t know why. I don’t remember much more of that night, but the next morning he apologized for his behavior.
“You’re really not disgusting,” he said, “I think it was just that dress. It just didn’t flatter you—only certain girls can pull off wearing stuff like that. You know, like girls who work out more than you do or super hot girls on music videos—not that you’re not hot, but, you know what I mean, right?” I had the strange feeling that my husband was not trying to console me with his apology, but instead was intending to make me feel even worse about myself and my level of attractiveness to the opposite gender. And, since I wore the hijab, or headscarf, in public, I had no way of ascertaining whether or not other males would agree with his criticism.
I glared at him and shook my head, my self esteem plummeting into a deep abyss. No, I did not know what he meant.
Not yet, anyway.
(6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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Woah…now I know what you mean.
Salaam alaikum,
As always thank you for sharing your comments and insight. I’m curious about what made you change your mind? In your opinion, what do you think is worse: a husband trying to make your wife feel badly about herself, or a husband who loses his temper and lashes out at times? Which do you think would be more damaging to a marriage?
SubhanaAllah- InshaAllah The sister who wrote this is no longer in this abusive marriage.
Salaam alaikum Holly,
May Allah swt grant you all that is good, ameen. Do you believe it’s possible for the marriage between Hind and Jameel to be saved and, if so, how?
Thanks (:
Walaikom salaam honestly I don’t know. Even if he changes will she ever forget how horrible, sad, depressed, hurt, and angry he made her. Will she loose her Islam toying with ideas of getting even and/or ways to hurt him?
It’s hard to say, there is always that 8-9 % that do change, but will it be too late? Will she forgive? Can she forgive?
Isn’t it fiction…?
I noticed some changes have been made to the other parts (e.g. what was once the Dominican Republic is now something else).
still no comment on fiction or non-fiction. would reading the story impact you any more or less if you knew whether or not it actually happened?
The husband could’ve chosen his words more carefully if he was displeased with the way she looked.Calling her names like transvestite is very hurtful.Afterall the work she did for him to look good,at least he could’ve appreciated it just like the house and food.
There’s no point in saying sorry if you don’t mean it.
Salaam alaikum Lat,
Your absolutely right–wise words. I wonder how many spouses (both male and female) don’t bother to learn effective communication skills with each other? There’s a huge difference between expressing your opinions with your spouse so that he or she can better accommodate your preferences, and between cruelly injuring his or her self esteem and absolutely irrevocably damaging the marriage. Insha Allah more Muslims will really focus on what comes out of their mouths and especially with their families, ameen.
Assalamu Alaykum,
MashAllah. This writing is so important. It is truly important for our community to see what is really going on in some “practicing” Muslim homes. I hope all will benefit and try to help others going through this same situation within their own Muslim communities.
A question for the author: will you be including “warning signs” from the husband while the couple was going through the introduction process? I think this would be really helpful.
Another question: it seems a bit that the wife is perfect in this situation, will you be shedding some light on her character. Not that abuse is every justified, but maybe she was verbally or emotionally abusing the husband and he lashed out by physically abusing her.
Jazakum Allahu Khayer,
I hope the next chapter comes out really soon!!! Maybe make it a weekly thing
Salaam alaikum wr wb NS!
Thanks for your comment and ameen to your duah. As for your questions:
1. Warning signs: So far, there’s actually already been one warning sign in the previous chapters posted on MuslimahSource but, because these are condensed versions, it may not be as apparent (it follows the “What seems too good to be true often is” cliche and has more to do with the whirlwind courting of the narrator from her groom). Insha Allah I hope to try to include more, but I think that in all honesty what usually happens is that warning signs do not always show as obviously–or even at all–as we’d like to think. Sometimes things can really seem perfect and not be the case at all.
2. As for the wife being perfect or not, you raise a very good point. The past three portions on this site shed really no insight into the narrator’s personality, although if you read between the lines you may see a bit of a victim mentality surfacing. In the above piece, you also can only see one tiny flaw from the wife but it won’t seem clear until later chapters. Notice that when the narrator is happy or is being praised or experiencing good times with her husband, she smiles only or describes the feelings in her heart. The narrator is incapable of expressing her feelings, so the reader is actually getting more insight into her heart than her husband himself. This will eventually become more obvious insha Allah in later chapters, and I’ll try to include some of those in the Muslimah Source submissions. However, if you read previous chapters, there are subtle hints also of some arrogence from the author and some apathy towards the plight of single and seeking males in the Muslim community. At this point thought we’re still reading between the lines (:
3. As for the weekly thing–that’s a good idea! I don’t know if I can keep it up though lol…make duah for me. Insha Allah your duah will be answered ya Rabb because these are very draining and difficult pieces for me to write. Jezaakillahu khair for your support and advice–will keep in mind isA!!
N.S. it is obvious she married a mental patient…you should read more carefully and all parts. I have two degrees in psychology and this guy suffers from bi-polarism.
Salam,
ranita
Salaam alaikum Ranita!
Devil’s advocate: Is it possible the husband is really just experiencing disappointment because his wife did not turn out to be everything he had hoped or expected, and feels he has no other way of expressing to her his feelings than in the above fashion? What do you think about the concept that superficial negativity and verbal abuse is usually a sign of an inability to express and cope with deeper feelings that may or may not be irrelevant to the above incident?
Your insight is greatly appreciated and I’m excited to hear your response (:
I agree, the guy sounds like he suffers from bipolar disorder. I am glad to read that the sister is not married to him any more. When they don’t seek treatment, you can see just how destructive people with bipolar disorder can be to themselves and everyone else around them. Imagine how this situation would be if there were children involved. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Salaam alaikum wr wb Lucky Fatima!
I just wanted to point out that I haven’t written yet whether or not the sister is still married to him. So far I think there’s just speculation from readers (:
Keep reading! <3
I think he was telling her she was ugly because he feels insecure. If he thought she was beautiful and he has this insecurity issue, he might fear losing her, so he wants her to think shes ugly.
I have read all parts so far and I am going through a similar situation, its definitely not easy and a lot of times you really dont know what to do but reading this has helped me and I hope to read more parts and find out how she handled it in the end.
Salaam alaikum wr wb MAS
I agree that insecurity is often a huge culprit. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation–may Allah swt make it easy on you and solve absolutely all your problems, and be gentle with your heart ya Rab. Please continue to make duah and do not lose your connection with Allah swt as I did–that was the biggest mistake I could have made. Allah swt help the Muslim women and grant them satisfaction and joy in their families, ameen.
Mashallah, great story!!!!!
But this is just fiction, right? Whens part 5 coming out????? lol 
Jazakillahu khairan!
Salaam alaikum Nedaa,
No comment yet as far as fiction or non fiction. Insha Allah the next bit is coming out really really soon–we’re just deciding which chapters to post up pieces of next!!
Pray for me please
(:
what this can do to a girl…may allah make it easy for her..even if she is out of the marraige ( if)..the effects of this mental abuse..and physical..will be there to slowly let go of..and face a community of ppl who will usually think bad of her b/c the marraige ended..what a test..subhan’Allah..
Salaam alaikum Noor,
Your insight really brought tears to my eyes. Allah swt created the female in such a vulnerable and gentle position–the effects of this type of abuse will probably last forever. You show an understanding for the narrator that is probably only existent in a small fraction of Muslims–even in those who take a stance against any type of abuse. Truly, the harmful toll these types of words have on a woman is enough for her to lose hope in life, to lose her friends and family, and sometimes to even lose her faith. But she will have to deal with the brunt of the community once the marriage is over, and this can sometimes seem just as terrible as the verbal punishments she endured from her husband.
Allah swt make it easier and lessen the pain on the women going through similar situations, ameen. May he help all women and men who have suffered from this verbal and arguably sexual abuse recover fully and reach new spiritual heights, and may He never let us go astray no matter what we have to endure, ameen.
omg, is this actually a ture story?? it’s heartbreaking…
Salaam alaikum,
Please make duah for all the characters in the story, and may Allah swt reward you and hear you, ameen.
Salaam alaikum Ranita,
What are the signs of bipolar disorder? Is it possible that the husband was just disappointed with his marriage and blamed his wife for not being everything he had hoped for?
Guest author, you can have a google to see what the varying signs of BPD are, it is kinda complicated to type it all out here. But basically the husband character sounds typical BP Type 2. Intelligent, charming, a ‘good talker,’ med school degree holder, but deeply insecure, paranoid, easily set off into mania, all the rage and anger and lashing out in that way is very very Type 2 BP. Then the rapid cycling mania ends and he is back to “normal.” Rapid cyclers act like him and do not necessarily have frequent depressive states, though they may occasionally suffer a bout of depression, even years apart. But a common characteristic of the Type 2 BP is the frequent episodes of destructive rage.
Maybe for the ending he can get diagnosed, try out a combo of meds that work out for him, and then be the best person he can be and succeed as a husband and as a human being. I got a chance to read through all of the comments and I am really shocked at the Muslim guys jumping in to defend the husband character and suggest he is behaving this way because of flaws in the wife. Shocked and saddened. Would any guy want his sister married to this man?
Salaam alaikum wr wb Lucky Fatima, and thanks for your insight and helpful remarks.
I really wish that I could write the ending that you thought of, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to be the case for this story. However, I agree with you and I was initially very surprised to see the arguments going on in the previous posts. I think this kind of writing is very important and this topic is something our community should put on the table. I hope Allah swt inspires someone with better writing skills than mine to jump on board and begin to spread awareness about these issues.
Keep us all in your duah, ameen. And jezaakillahu alfi khair
Guest Author: this is from the wiki on bipolar disorder:
Mixed affective episode
Main article: Mixed state (psychiatry)
In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously (for example, agitation, anxiety, aggressiveness or belligerence, confusion, fatigue, impulsiveness, insomnia, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, persecutory delusions, pressured speech, racing thoughts, restlessness, and rage).[10]
Basically the guy has these cycles and the way mania affects him is that he cycles (moodswing like) into depressive, irritable, hostile states. Manic depressives have a lot of varying symptons, any way.
If this story is based on a real person’s experience, maybe you could point her towards this. It doesn’t excuse her ex-husband’s behavior, but it explains it. Also see the about.com BP forums: http://bipolar.about.com/
Salaam
If this is a real person’s story, PLEASE DIVORCE HIM. He sounds like there’s something wrong with him mentally. No man in his right mind would talk to his wife–or think about her–like that! Maybe he has a brain tumour or something.
SubhanaAllah… I read all 4 parts… This made me so sad and upset… I hope the sister got out of this terrible ordeal insha Allah and is rewarded by Allah for her patience..
Please post the 5th part soon!