Finding Mr. Perfect
January 20, 2009 by Sammer Z
Filed under Relationships
Between Mark Wahlberg, Shahrukh Khan, Denzel Washington and Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, the idea of an ideal man is embodied in every aspect of our culture and society. The perfect physique, smile, hair, intellect, wit, humor, manners, romance, book-worminess and athleticism are sought after. As if that in itself isn’t difficult enough add in a whole new set of standards of God-consciousness and the examples of the Prophet(saw) and the Sahaba and you have a new, more complicated, unrealistic and impossible picture in mind about ,not just the ideal man, but what defines a man. Men can’t compete with scripted dialogues, people who get paid millions to focus on their physical appearance, characters written by women and of course, divine guidance.
He plays basketball, reads Wordsworth, prays qiyaam, gives charity, loves his mother, knows how to cook and the list goes on and on. Asking any girl between 15 and unmarried opens a can of unrealistic worms. Who came up with this stupid idea that we are supposed to get the perfect man or “the right one” and we’re all going to get him !? Where is this unlimited supply of perfect men coming from?
It’s very overwhelming because if he is not every single one of these things then we can’t be happy! Right? right?!
Of course not. This train of thought has a list of flaws. Firstly, questioning the whole notion of a person being responsible for your happiness is calming: it’s not all up to him. Your happiness is in your hands, with your outlook, reactions, and personality; relying on an everlasting support and connection with Allah is really important. I used to think that getting married would solve all my problems and it would magically transform my life into one of blissful love, romance, support, companionship and of course, happiness. Any black holes and empty spaces of emotion and eman (faith) would be filled by this one perfect man. I didn’t allow myself to be happy because I was waiting for this savior. I hope girls don’t believe this because its such a stifling state of being.
I am a feminist in that I want girls to be empowered by themselves, their faith, through being productive and cherishing the relationships they have with their family and friends; not waste time hoping, seeking and pursuing “happiness” in the form of a man. Those of us with fathers and brothers can nurture those relationships and take advantage of them. Our relationships with them will be the template for our relationship with our spouses. It’s also important to bond and spend time with your family and friends. We all know of the infamous black hole of marriage that inevitably takes up so much time, newlyweds disappear from their normal social circles. Finding happiness in activism in the community, devotion and developing our spirituality, bonding with those we love are all experiences that build a strong foundation of self-esteem and happiness to build on in a marriage.
So now that I know he’s not going to be responsible for my happiness, he may be a source of it. Secondly, we’ve interacted with other human beings, we notice even if they are nice, kind, witty, funny…sometimes they are angry, frustrated, stupid or just strange. If all the real people around us falter then we’re being delusional thinking this one man is going to be perfect. Especially when in a marriage you are going through some of the most rigorous challenges that you will probably never have to deal with with others. Buying a home, having children, seeing someone 24/7 is something we don’t share with everyone. Finances, problems, politics and even faith is intertwined.
Thirdly, I wonder how many of us have thought this completely through…we don’t actually want someone who is perfect. For one, we would go nuts because we aren’t perfect. We would either hold him under a constant microscope looking for flaws or question his perfection as hypocrisy or being fake. It may be annoying and also highlight all our own shortcomings resulting in low self-esteem. Have you ever been around an overachiever? How long can you really be around them? live with the 24/7?
So, once I can be realistic about what married life is not (a bollywood, lollywood or hollywood movie), I can have a better idea of what it will be by looking at the real life examples around me. Although…there are bound to be some surprises.
Photo courtesy: Fan de Cinema
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normally women don’t go for looks, its only the western media that drills that into a woman’s psyche.
I agree 100%! relying on anyone to provide you with happiness always leads to disaster and living a life thinking that that persoon will one day come is only going to disappoint. take charge of your happiness and realize that men are just like us, awesome from far away and flawed up close.
true that, so many expect a form of perfection in a significant other that cannot be found within themselves
Assalaamu Alaykum,
As a brother I can agree to the fullest extent with this article. This was naturally from the sisters’ perspective towards brothers, but I feel its necessary to point that brothers fall in similar holes towards sisters. The false ideas of perfection truly affect both sexes in what I would say to be fairly similar ways. The images of women on magazine covers in grocery store aisles, billboards, movies, music videos, etc. etc., create this anorexia based, make up filled, fake sense of what beauty can be considered to be. The list of qualities and considerations can run on forever, but then my comment would become as long as this article, so I’ll just cut it here.
All in all, my point is don’t be too hard on sisters alone as it affects brothers just as much. Its a sad result of our over sexualized media that has formed this false sense of reality to cloud our image of what is actually real and viable.
I don’t know how easy or difficult it to find a Mr.Perfect but being a man I can safely say that it’s not easy to find a partner who fears Allah and ready to spend married life according to Quran and Sunnah.Yes there are girls who are taking Hijab but taking hijab don’t mean they are following the religion in true form. I am willing to marry some lady who actually interested to help herself and me to lead life according to Shariah. So far no luck.. seems it’s very difficult these days.
“Firstly, questioning the whole notion of a person being responsible for your happiness is calming: it’s not all up to him. Your happiness is in your hands, with your outlook, reactions, and personality; relying on an everlasting support and connection with Allah is really important.”
You just hit the nail on the head – HARD!
Bismillah
as salamu ‘alaykum
Whenever the marriage topic comes up with the single friends I tell them that one of the most important qualities to find is someone who acknowledges his faults and wants to change them. We’ll never be able to find someone perfect as you mention but this is an important part in finding our imperfect “Mr. Perfect”.
Good post!
Bismillah
This is one of the most-viewed articles, mashAllah. I wonder why? There is a need to discuss these issues in detail to benefit everyone.
Sammer, some points I got from your article.
1) Realistic expectations
2) Happiness may or may not come from a marriage. In addition, if it does it will only be one of the many sources.
3) We should look at marriage through a realistic lens instead of the Bollywood/Hollywood image we rely on for our dreams.
**
I believe that just as some ladies might have unrealistic expectations, the brothers and families have the same. I think it’s difficult to discuss one or the other factors without grasping who is involved in the process.
Do you think, even if a sister or brother are realistic about their choices that the family or potential spouse’s family would come to terms with matters?
I have met in my day a couple of sisters who have rejected tens of brothers because they didn’t meet EVERY single expectation. SubhanAllah, it’s hard to believe that none of the people she met had potential.
In addition, pondering on Umm Layth’s thoughts, I would like to mention that when you get to know someone and decide to marry them, don’t “hope” that they will change certain things you dislike. The moment you sign that marriage contract, you are accepting the package “AS IS.”
Will the couple evolve over time? Of course. But there are no guarantees to what direction.
When I think of Mr. Perfect, I think of an article I once read. The author admitted that she always dreamed of a handsome prince charming who would sweep her off her feet. Well, she is now married to an overweight, nerdy looking guy with little hair who she loves to death. Sure he is no Brad Pitt, but he is her own prince charming and that’s what girls need to realize.
So we never know!
Assalam-u-Alaykum,
Personally and in my opinion, I believe women who are in their right minds won’t have looks as a priority in their lists; however,to different women the idea of a “Mr. Perfect” is different ofcourse. From experience, I would suggest my friends to go for a religious guy because fearing Allah (swt) makes a person beautiul inside and out by itself. The looks won’t matter down the road. Our happiness on the other hand is in our own hands. There are many problems in one’s marriage life ranging from financial problems to family problems but once you put you’re trust in Allah, everything seems to be easy. Being content is being grateful to the Almighty and we should always be grateful. If we find in our hearts to be content in every situation and leave it on Allah(swt) then we’re sure taking a step towards happiness; afterall, Allah (swt) does not burden a soul more than it can bear, right?. So my main point is that, one should be responsible for his/her own happiness. It’s true some expectations change after marriage and that can be on both sides but, if the partners are Allah fearing, they will realise that if there is one negative point in someone then there are many positive points there as well.On an end note, I would say NO ONE is perfect….before pointing to our spouses, we should look at ourselves and see how competent are we?!?…..Also, I would like to add that…..Marriage is not about “finding” the right person, but, it’s about “being” the right person…..If every couple understands this, there won’t be a lot of problems
Great comment.
I think a person should however marry someone they are attracted to. And if someone is only attracted to Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp-like brothers, then they can wait around
.
Nothing wrong with the invisible man.
Yes, of course attraction is necessary but IMHO I don’t think women should prioritize this “bonus”…..On the other hand, there are many successful arranged marriages where the women have not even gotten the chance to look at the guy properly…..if the trust is put in Allah (swt) then I think any marriage can work, love or arranged. Even though love marriage is not haraam (like some people think) but that love should not be based on looks “only”…..If that love is based on looks then you know that if looks don’t long last then will the love last? However, if the love is based on the other person being pious then, subhan’Allah….I also think attraction can come after the marriage too…referring to your post Cindy, “When I think of Mr. Perfect, I think of an article I once read. The author admitted that she always dreamed of a handsome prince charming who would sweep her off her feet. Well, she is now married to an overweight, nerdy looking guy with little hair who she loves to death. Sure he is no Brad Pitt, but he is her own prince charming and that’s what girls need to realize”….that kinda sums it up….to me you automatically get attracted to the one you love and you do not (or should not i must say lol) always fall in love the “attractive” people….that’s why my point is not to “prioritize” the looks but if a pious man comes with the looks then that’s a bonus for us from Allah (swt), may be for some of our extra credit ibaadah
I don’t think people change very much. They may mature, but their characteristics and personality will generally stay the same. When we get married we have to be able to accept that person as is, and vice versa. If we get married to people and expect a dramatic change, then why are we marrying them?
We should look for deen and attractiveness and compatibility; its a major life decision, but when our list is created based on mythical fantasies about perfection in a relationship we need to check ourselves.
bismillah
as salamu alaykum
It’s hard for women to look for deen in a time where, yeah, sure, people pray, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will be good spouses. I think a lot of us forget that when we get married traits that weren’t present before marriage tend to come out. We imitate those that raised us and you know what to do in certain circumstances based on how you were raised. That’s why it is important to find someone who has already recognized their weaknesses and is working to change them.
As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu
As I read through a few comments about Mr. Right I must say that as you get older and gain experience your perception of what makes a man Mr. Right For You changes. I remember when I was 16 (Ten Years Ago), I thought Mr. Right lived up the street from me and was the first boy I had a crush on. We were intended to each other at 15 and by the time I turned 17, he had changed his mind and married another right under my nose…
Then I realized that I didn’t have the faintest notion of who Mr. Right was so I decided to leave it up to my parents. My father picked a young man who he percieved as showing the promise of being a sound leader and suffiecient maintainer. We were married for 4 years and he was a suffiecient maintainer but he wasnt a leader and didn’t have a focus on his Eeman.
After that I realized that I needed to get a grip. I was a divorced 21 year old with a biligerant edge. It hurt to realize that all those experiences with marriage had taken me further from my Lord than anything. They had shaken my belief in there being good muslim Men. The kind of man who encourages his wife to be an active community member and will support her during her pursuit of education. The kind of believing man who puts Allah first and makes sure that his wife does the same. The kind of Muslim Man who will not leave his house if he doesn’t know where he will make salaat. The kind of Muslim man who when you look at him, when you talk to him, when your near him everything he does reminds you of your duty to worship Allah, and he hasn’t said a word. The kind of Muslim Man who will demand that you pursue your studies of Islam, again and again. This is the perfect man I think.
The kind of Muslim Man who provides you with the atmosphere to do your Ibaadah without distraction or deviations. This is the kind of Muslim Man we all should pray for…. the kind who will remind you to cultivate your relationship with Allah and his Rasul. The kind of muslim Man who will prefer to make salaat in Jummat with his family, then outside with his friends.
I moved away in search of a muslim community that would support my inquisitiveness and at the same time provide me guidance, and as a result of my travels I can say that in order to have what you want (Mr. Right, a Peaceful Zhikring Heart, and overpowering Love for Allah) you must be it. If you want Mr Right, by Ms. Right and know that Allah will bring you a partner who will be Mr Right for You. What is right for me is not right for you and vice versa.
You as a Muslimah must realize your position, duty and honor before you can expect someone else to acknowledge and respect it.
By learning your deen and cultivating the main relationships in your life ( The one with your Lord, Your Rasul, Your Parents, etc) you will be guided Inshallah to the mate of your dreams.
Things wont necessarily be easy. They may start out like that then the test start. You have to be strong and focused and remember that your Ibaadat is wholesome. ITs more than making all your salaats and reading a few verses of Quran with understanding. Its in everything you do, from your daily obligations to Allah to your daily obligations to your husband, to your daily obligations to yourself.
Being married to Mr. Right requires an understanding in your Taqdir that whoever your married to is MR. Right for you according to Allahs Will. Think of Queen Asiyah. Her Mr. Right was Pharoah who was a tyrant and ultimately killed her for not acknowledging him as Lord of All. She was granted a status that is amongst those of Hadrat Khadijah, Hadrat Fatimah, and Hadrat Maryam. Is that not a perfect rank?
We loose sight of where we are destined to be when we focus on superfical, irrelevant mundane aspects of MAN. we all will DIE. is that not enought to make you cry to Allah for forgiveness and Mercy and make the best out of where you are, with Knowledge that Allah has you there with purpose. You will be compensated for your actions. If your patient and tolerant towards your husband, then Allah will be that way with you on the day of Reckoning.
I am know 26. My birthday is in a few months and I will be 27. I am married again. This time even when my husband is getting on my Last nerve, I remind myself that I love Allah and His Rasul and this Man who loves them too. I take a deeeeeep breath and I calm down. I shift my perspective and focus on all that I love about what we are doing together. Making salaat together in deen. Giving classes. Sharing in the comprehension of the Quran, Making Intentions for Hajj. Memorizing Hadiths, Fasting, learning, doing, Zhikring. All for the sake and pleasure of Allah. We are not perfect. We are not prohetic. we are people.
If you want mercy and understanding you must be an example of it. So in order to appreciate your Mr. Right you must be Ms. Right.
I can honestly say that you have the power to make your spouse Mr. Right or Mr Wrong and much of it has to do with your perspective.
Are you looking through the lense of Islam or Dunya?
Bismillah
as salamu ‘alaykum
Masha’Allah! May Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala bestow His Mercy upon you and your family. Aameen
I completely agree. We must start with ourselves. How many a woman will complain about their men being low lives but when those men re marry another woman they are better men? It has to start with ourselves if we seek a good man. What are we after? Are we after a life of barely making it with our faith or a life where everything on the outside reflects the inside? Do we seek a simple lifestyle, a life of appreciation of our blessings, less complaining, submission and forgiveness? What are we after and for whom? It must be for Allah if we seek a blessed life, bottom line, subhana’Allah.
Women can break their husbands easily and we will not like one bit what he becomes because we know how to push his buttons. Men need good wives just like we need good husbands. These brothers may be amazing brothers but maybe they just married the wrong woman who does not bring forth their good qualities! Ouch!
This is a great reminder for me. Thank you so much for commenting. In the end we are all human beings and we all have our strengths and weaknesses. If we learn how to bring forth the good in people then life can be good, bi’idhnillah.
Just some thoughts!
Assalamu-alaykum sister, and i can’t tell u just how much the example of Hazrat Asiya affected me. Jazaakallahu-khair.
I’m not married and don’t know the inner workings of other marriages, so my insight only goes so far. However, Umm Layth it seems like the wife is blamed for not “fixing” her husband or bringing out the best in him. Where does responsibility of self come in and why can’t the same be said of the reverse?
bismillah
I believe blame goes both ways but we are focusing on women here and it is important to. Too often we do focus on men and it has to start with every one of us as individuals, be us women or men inshaAllah.
Responsibility of self must always be present but this is why we are encouraged to pick good friends and to pick good spouses, because somehow there is a possibility that others may influence us in a different direction that may not be so good for us.
Allah knows best though. I don’t know much either.
I agree with many points raised on your article and of those who commented too. A sister shouldn’t just *settle* for anyone, atleast be realistic, it’s true some sisters have rejected brothers who had no *faults* at all. But I beleive the sisters do mature and find someone who better suits them, alhamdulilah. The brothers, on the other hand come up with this notion of marrying this *goddess*. We all have to accept each other as Allah made us all. We should find qualities that compliment each other and someone you would truly love down the line.
I think part of the reason single women are quick to state they don’t care about ‘looks’ is because of their own insecurities. The truth is… deep down they’re dreaming of some guy to come along who will propose to them based on their character and not their looks. I say: Let me hand you a candy bar while you wait..
Oh and don’t forget the Beauty and the Beast advantage. If a beautiful yet insecure woman with self-esteem issues marries a man who has noticeable “faults” in his appearance, she feels like a princess next to him.
If a beautiful woman marries an ugly man it not only makes her look ‘good’ it makes her look better.
If a beautiful man marries an ugly woman it makes him look ‘bad.’
I’m not talking about making looks the basis of rejecting or accepting a proposal. However, to say that it isn’t a priority is hardly true (in most cases). Let’s stop denying it.
Alia, you’re right. If a beautiful woman marries an ugly man everyone will say, “gosh he’s kind of ugly but there must be something great about him.” But if a beautiful man marries an ugly lady, people will say, “what’s wrong with him that he settled for such an ugly woman?” It just doesn’t work the same the other way around..
This is an awesome article!Rhetorically too.
I simply call all of this “unrealistic perfection ideal” an “illness of modernism.” The things we see (movies, photos…), we read, we listen, we hear they all come together and lead us to several misconceptions. In this age of information, we are flooded with all and every kind of information from all around without any control over it. These piece of informations keep coming whether or not we want them. At this point, I keep remembering “Ignorance is a bliss indeed.” Once we are surrounded by these unconscious messages, we begin realizing the other alternatives –way of life, clothing,etc,etc– and at some point, in particular when our connection to faith and Allah is weakened, we start fantasizing about perfect men, perfect lives, perfect houses and perfect everything and we forget that the real perfection is taking a shelter in faith. This way we can also avoid those unwanted messages and can prevent them from effecting us. As a young muslim woman I am in trouble too. I am not looking for the perfect man or something but I become dissatisfied with what I already have due to generosity of Allah; start having illusions that I should have that other kind of life which I have observed through a constant flow of information. Except the few exceptions around, we sure do want to have a companion whom we can share life with. But the trick is we should reconsider our definition of a good marriage, spouse, life and etc., our expectations, our “must list” and ideals because what we think is best or necesarry can be — at least some of them will definetely be– otherwise. We should stick to realities instead of fantasies, dreams and ideals forced upon us. As for my humble advice, at such moments we should all pray to Allah and say “Keep me safe form the disasters of my ego and its false directions.”
Busra from Turkey
p.s: I am not a native speaker, so apologies in advance for the mistakes.
SubhanAllah, that du’a is really something. We tend to get caught up in, well don’t i deserve the …x,y,z. Don’t get me wrong, we shouldn’t put up with violence, or abuse but when it comes to the biggest house, the nicest car we may think we need and even deserve that; and if we don’t get it, its unjust. So yes, may He protect me from my ego and its false directions, ameen.
There needs to be a team effort to bring the deen back into marriage. The best way to tackle this is to promote education on the subject. Many of the comments/articles here are good but we need to make this a part of every community so that the ummah can divorce itself from dunya and marry into the deen, so to speak.
Asif, mashaAllah that’s the road we want to go on, but how do we get there. Do we really need more articles? more essays? Sometimes I feel like we are always reading about marriage and relationships. How can we transform this information into much needed action?
After reading this, I think I understand your other post (“Of Taxis and Husbands”) much better now. I really liked this post and I think its message applies to Muslim men too.
I totally agree with you that we shouldn’t rely on someone else to give us happiness. We have to live in the moment instead of telling ourselves that we will only experience true happiness when we’re married. Although I’ve never been married, I acknowledge that it’s a completely different lifestyle and, as you mentioned, a huge life decision. Rather than wait around, we should be embracing the present and focus on discovering happiness within ourselves.
On a spiritual note, Allah tells us that we have a purpose in this world. We need to establish contact with that purpose because it is a portion of the world created especially for us. We must walk on the open road and be steadfast on fulfilling what we’re meant to do. As we pursue our ambitions, dreams, and purpose, we’re bound to find someone who is walking towards us from the opposite side of the road. This person is our Mirror, our Twin Half, our Soul Mate. When the time is right, Allah will reunite the Soul Mates. Until then, our focus should be on the open road.
Too much of anything is bad; if we’re too spiritual, we won’t be contributing anything to humanity since we’ll be isolating ourselves from the physical world. If we’re too worldly, then we’ll truly be dead since we’ll be too caught up in worldly affairs, deadlines, demanding tasks, etc. We won’t have much knowledge about who we worship, who we are, or where we are going. This is why it’s so important to establish a balance. To live for Allah subsequently means being a good human being. And a good human being helps his/her community and contributes good works to humanity.
I know there are a number of Muslims who think things like Romance, Love, and Bliss are abstract ideas, but the truth of the matter is that Love is the very source of our existence! How many times does Allah mention Compassion, Forgiveness, and Mercy in the Qur’an? More times than we can count because numerous times He says He is “All-Forgiving” and has “Infinite Grace.” As the 13th century Islamic mystic and poet, Jalaluddin Rumi, once wrote: “Love is a flame that burns away all that is not Allah.” That is why I believe Faith in Allah is the key to a successful, healthy, and happy marriage. The sky, the ocean, the fields, the longings of the heart, the Soul Mate — all come from Him. If we just acknowledge and embrace this Divine Truth, then things like a blissful Romance are very possible! Just imagine two Lovers Loving one another and being ever-grateful to Allah. It is so possible, but we need to change what is within ourselves first (as the Qur’an says). We need to rid ourselves of doubts and transform them into Faith.
I often get labeled as an idealist and a “hopeless Romantic,” but I argue that this kind of Love is the way of the Prophets. It is the reason why the Universe exists. It is the reason why we Breathe and Pray. Love is to Give and to NEVER take or demand something in return; that is why we learn from the Prophets and Allah (peace be upon them all).
May we all find our Soul Mates, insha’Allah. May Allah guide us and bless our lives with Beauty, Happiness, and Ever-Lasting Love. Ameen.
I’m glad this clarified the first one. It does apply to both, but being a girl, I see more of them sitting in wait for our shining knight on a white horse. Even if its emotionally, like you said, we need to enjoy the moment. Our time with the people in our lives now may be very short and if we live those in perpetual anticipation of someone else, we’re not going to have fulfilling relationships with them.
Maybe there needs to be another article, ” Between Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry and Wonder Woman….” haha.