He’s Like A Brother
September 6, 2009 by Guest Authors
Filed under Featured, Relationships
“You’re just like a brother to me!” she’d often tell her Muslim college friend whom she’s grown close to over the years. She feels comfortable with confiding in him, trusting him, opening up to him – but she’s never thought of him as a husband. They hang out together during their breaks, she calls him whenever she needs to vent, and she loves how he’s never judgmental towards her. To him, she was a friend at first — but he soon discovered that he’d often feel a tinge of jealousy whenever she spoke nonchalantly and joked with other male classmates. It burned him inside, and he’d always try to pull her away casually without making his irritation apparent. Many times, he’d look at her with admiration, smiling and melting away with his dreams of what could be for them. He would never dare bring up marriage to her, though. How could he when she only viewed him as her brother?
So, would you call these two good friends? Brother and sister maybe? Boyfriend and girlfriend? As with many cases in the Muslim community, this is a confused pseudo-marriage framed under the guise of friendship or an innocent brotherly bond. As the two become lax in their interaction, their hearts naturally – albeit unintentionally – gravitate towards each other, their minds become occupied with each other, and one or both parties eventually develop feelings that either remain trapped or expressed and acted upon unlawfully. With their increasing closeness and intimacy, the special reserves of loyalty, emotional sentiments and halaal physical attraction may be exhausted before their rightful outlet in marriage. If they end up not getting married and search elsewhere for a partner, they may never be content because they can’t resist comparing potential spouses with their former “friend”. Even if they eventually marry someone else, they will always have a history, and sometimes Shaytan can push them to reconnect and rekindle that past relationship during marriage.
It is no wonder why our wise Creator `azza wa jall, who is well aware of our natures and inclinations, says in the Qur’an “…Nor of those who take (boy)friends…(4:25). With many commands and prohibitions in Islam, Allah has mercifully forbade the prerequisite acts that would lead to major sins. He is protecting us from Shaytan and from falling prey to our desires, which saves us the emotional distress and painful regret that often come as a consequence to disobedience.
It’s also no wonder why it is purer and more chaste for both men and women to lower their gaze when speaking to those of the opposite gender (24:30-31), and to focus only on the tasks necessitating their communication. Remember Musa (`alayhissalam ) with the two daughters of Shu`ayb? Their interaction and communicating was exuding hayaa’ and self-respect; Musa (as) never struck personal, unwarranted conversation with them and when one of the daughters informed Musa (as) that her father is inviting him to reward him for his assistance, she walked (and spoke) with utmost modesty and dignity.
One of the greatest manifestations of modesty and also a safeguard to indecent conduct is the Muslimah’s Islamic dress. Besides obeying Allah and the Messenger’s commands in wearing loose, non-transparent, non-perfumed clothing, the attire brings with it an entire set of behavioral traits that the Muslim woman finds befitting to uphold. She is no longer comfortable mingling with men, joking and laughing loudly with them – or behaving in any way that may ignite their desires. Her taqwa (God-consciousness) and hayaa’ with Allah become embodied in all her mannerisms – her body language, how she speaks and carries herself – and reminds her of amicably maintaining the boundaries that Allah and the Messenger (peace be upon him) would be pleased with.
There is a profound hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him), which if practiced and truly believed in, can adorn our lives with blessings and many successes. It states: “There is nothing that you leave out of God-consciousness except that Allah will compensate you with something better” (Ahmad). We all long for acceptance and relationships that quell our loneliness and make us feel needed and loved. Perhaps if we devote our lives to increasing our love for Allah and gaining His love in return, He will bless us with halaal relationships that will be the greatest source of happiness, love, loyalty and compassion in this life and the better one to come.
Naiyerah Kolkailah’s hometown is San Luis Obispo, California, where she received her Bachelor’s Degree in Biology and Religious Studies in 2008. She formerly taught Arabic, Qur’an and Islamic Studies in her local community, and is currently pursuing higher education in Arabic and Islamic Studies in Doha, Qatar.
(15 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
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Masha Allah this is one of the most profound, concise pieces I’ve ever read on this topic. May Allah swt bless the author and guide all of us towards actualizing her insight, ameen.
Wow! This is just lovely. JazakAllah khair, may Allah reward you and lead us to the right path.
MashaAllah, amazing! I was just talking to my roommate about this topic…and now I have something to back up my opinions with
This is an excellent article for the youth. When elders usually talk to us about this topic it usually comes out as a lecture, and it seems like they don’t really understand. But subhanA this one knows what its talking about…
speaking from experience this post is so true. advice from a brother to another brother and any one who is reading the post please take note of this post. it is better for us brothers to keep our distance. let sisters confide, talk, and destress with sisters (and vice versa) otherwise, Allah forbid, it will start playing with your head. may allah protect us all.
PS i came to this post via imam suhaib webb’s website and as other above have stated really good post masha’allah.
Salams Naiyerah,
Despite you’ve introduced big claims and some essentailization of certian aspects of the boy-girl relationship;however, I think it’s a good article. I still wondering why we deal with women only in terms of sexuality or related thems? Why can’t we deal with our sister as an equal human being? Also, I would dare to say that if you gone through a real experience, you’d change some of your ideas here. I will tell you a philosophy from my experience that you when a develop a relationship of friendship first with the person whom you intended to marry, I contend that it makes marriage stronger and able to generate itself from time to time. Friendship between husband and wife is missing in our communities;therefore, marriage can not stand the many challenges ahead.
Finally, I see you’ve stressed the moral aspects only in relation to the girl, as if the boy (me) doesn’t have to abide these morals too. This is typically the mind-set of reasoning in the Middle East. Further, I would diagree that the code of dress might project certain behaviour, which is not really the case. I think you fully aware of the situation in Egypt, for example.
Thanks Naiyerah..Ramadan kareem
Sameh
Salaam alaikum Sameh,
You can have a friendship with your spouse without violating Islamic principles. But to mingle freely with the opposite gender pre-marriage in hopes that you randomly wind up with the perfect “friend” for marriage (whilst still having no broken hearts or regretful sins on your record) is a bad idea.
Better to perfect your relationship with your Lord and then sit back and witness the deeply profound friendship He plants between your heart and your spouse’s heart. I’d rather bet my money that Allah swt can find me a friend and a soul mate more than I could on my own should I violate His principles, right?
And He hasn’t restricted us from anything unnecessarily–He has made it halal for you to get to know prospective spouses in the company of their wali’s, so take advantage of that and let the “Western” friendship notion go–you’re taking pointers from a culture with a 50% divorce rate.
Salams Dena,
I am sorry to say that I do disagree with a lot of your themes here. First, you need to think out the ideological context and discourse of some Islamic movements. Islam is entirely a wider space to ponder. Simply, if you go to the very small villages in Egypt, you will discover that there is nothing called “intermingling”. Actually, the boy and the girl; husband and wife; man and woman work toghether in the fields. They’re the very true, purest image of Islam.
In essence, I am saying that we need to stop listening to ideas and repeating them without critically grasping them. I wonder if you had a chance to reflected upon the story of prophet Moses and the two girls whom he helped.
Personally, I don’t buy any ideas support the separation of Muslims based on gender. I think in my college in California here I have a very good relation with the Muslim sisters here. I am thinking to marry one of them since we really saw each other’s real behaviour and morals. I think we can’t pretend that you’re a nice Muslim or Muslima if you’re there for most of the time. Anyway, It seems to me that you and the writer of the article lived in an isolated community and may be conservative family; which is not a bad thing. But it does have an effect on the way you percieve any relationship that doesnot fit your way of thinking.
Ramadan Kareem ya Dena..
Eid Saiiiid in advance
Sameh
Salam akhi. About Musa alayhissalam… Nothing wrong with helping the opposite gender. That’s not what the article is about. The article is talking about man and women or girl and boy becoming bestfriends… or close friends, if you wish. The key word here is “confiding friend”, where you share secrets and problems with him/her… it shows how seriously close and linked the boy and girl is. I doubt prophet Musa alayhissalam, God forbid, had any of such relationships with non-mahram women.
Also, i’d like to add our volunteerism at Masjids. I in no way would doubt our sincere and tireless volunteers who spend hours and hours in the backend to provide us with beautiful and inspiring programs at our Islamic Centers. But i have also seen, some of us going way too forward in spending undesirable and unneeded discussions with our opposite genders where we forget that we volunteer for the Sake of God, and for the Love of Him, and always fear that May He Subhabahu Wa ta’ala accept our efforts.. and not get into ‘chill times/talks’ with our brothers/sisters…when/where there is no need of it/them.
We pray to Allah to guide us all to the straight path. Ameen.
There is one parenthetical thought I’ve been having about this topic. I’ve read article after article similar to the above, and even find myself at times in hot debates defending the Islamic gender guidelines and codes discussed here.
But the one thing I would really REALLY love to read about is especially for the many Muslimahs out there like myself in this particular predicament:
1. We believe it’s wrong to freely intermingle. We don’t WANT to freely intermingle.
2. But somehow, because of our work or our past or even just our personalities–we always find ourselves with a list of “brothers” who feel just as comfortable talking to us (and, to be honest, we feel just as comfortable talking to them) as sisters! And it feels like it’s impossible to just wake up one morning and STOP.
This whole issue is very daunting in that, once you begin allowing your own boundaries to loosen up, it’s extremely difficult and FEELS impossible to tighten the reigns again.
…So, more of a “How-to-stop” article on this topic would benefit someone like myself more than a “This is why you shouldn’t,” because I and I’m sure countless other sisters BELIEVE it’s wrong–we know it! But when push comes to shove, we are trapped in these lives that we created for ourselves and can’t seem to break the cycle.
Any suggestions?
Dena, you raise very valid points masha’Allah. Maintaining appropriate gender interaction in mixed work environments is definitely a challenge when there’s so many factors like varying personality types or having to work together for hours on end sometimes. A few points come to mind, and insha’Allah I may elaborate on these in a future article.
1)Sincerity. Making sure all that we do is purely for the sake of Allah in all our MSAs, activism, volunteer work, etc. This keeps us focused on the work, and it’s key to ensuring that Allah accepts our efforts, and that He puts barakah in all that we do!
2)Muraqabah of Allah. Always being deeply conscious of Allah observing us, hearing what we say and watching our every move. This comes with strong Imaan and having a close relationship with Allah through remembering Him frequently. When we always remember Him, we have a stronger desire to do what pleases Him and are less likely to fall into sin.
3)Keeping it Formal. Oftentimes, the problems come about when we go beyond the initial formalities into personal discussions that have no relevance to the work initially bringing us together. This doesn’t mean we appear super serious and dismal with all the brothers, but if we can keep our discussions focused on the work then we have a virtual barrier that prevents things from getting more complicated. When we establish that standard for ourselves, it’s easier to avoid the unnecessary joking, chit chatting and hanging out — wasting valuable time and gaining sins that may hinder the hasanat we thought we were gaining from the Islamic work.
4)Keeping it Separate. This varies from organization to organization, but if it’s possible – have sisters coordinating sister-related activities and brothers coordinating brother-related activities. Or if there are subcommittees involving close teamwork or lots of face to face meetings, it’s better to group the sisters in a subcommittee and brothers in a subcommittee. The most problematic situation that we should try avoiding is having a brother and sister work together alone in a closed area.
5)Lowering the Gaze. This was briefly mentioned in the article, and it’s more pure b/c our eyes are one of the gateways to our heart. This doesn’t mean that our eyes are glued to the ground all the time, but the point is trying to avoid staring at the person and having too much eye contact. It also helps you stay focused on the work and communication rather than being occupied with how a brother looks or what they think of how we look.
6)Muhasabah (Self-Accountability). If we have the desire to change, it’s crucial to keep track of our actions and assess whether or not our behavior is improving. This ties back to Muraqabah b/c the more we’re conscious of Allah observing us, the more we are conscious of our actions and think twice before letting out a loud laugh, jokingly nudging this or that brother or just conversing about personal issues openly for example.
I’ve also noticed that brothers know how to follow our lead. If a sister makes it clear from the start that she doesn’t joke around or mingle easily, the brothers will most of the time respect that and keep their distance. So, if a brother is outgoing and more open in his interaction, it might take us more effort to keep our guard up but the point gets across if we want it to.
These are just some points, and other brothers and sisters might have other things to add insha’Allah.
May Allah increase us in sound understanding of our beautiful deen and help us follow it to the best of our ability!
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Masha’Allah, great article. I think your reply on “How to Stop” hit the nail on the head. Especially when you said, “I’ve also noticed that brothers know how to follow our lead. If a sister makes it clear from the start that she doesn’t joke around or mingle easily, the brothers will most of the time respect that and keep their distance.”
Of course brothers should try and make sure that they too aren’t trying to joke around or mingle. But I think you’re right for putting the burden on the woman to make sure she’s clear that she doesn’t joke around or mingle easily. Reason being that most Muslim women, unlike Muslim men, physically display their Islam (i.e. by wearing a scarf). And by physically displaying their Islam they may have more taqwa which makes it easier to give off that vibe.
Wa`alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
JazakAllahu Khayran Br. Mohammad. I think brothers and sisters should equally do their best to uphold a high standard of conduct with each other. However, what some sisters may not realize is that men and women are wired differently, and that men are more affected by the way a sister behaves than sisters are by how brothers act. A brother can easily fall simply because of a sister’s looks, tone of voice, gestures, etc., but the reverse generally doesn’t apply for women. This makes sense in light of the ayah: “Beautified for people is the love of desires of women…” (3:14). It’s also why the Prophet (asws) feared for men the fitnah of women. This isn’t implying that women are evil or blameworthy as some might rashly conclude, but that women have a greater power of influence on men – and with more power comes responsibility.
So, when a sister dresses and acts modestly – not only is she obeying Allah but she’s helping her brothers control their thoughts and guard their chastity (and insha’Allah there’s much reward in that!).
Amazing article subhanAllaah
mashallah. I came across this article from a link on a blog. Ive seen how these kind of friendship relationships can escalate and end up leaving both people heartbroken and distressed. Insha’allah when I’m mature enough for marriage Allah will help me through it by halal means!
Jazakum Allahu khayran for all your comments, and Amin to all the du`aas!
We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) to show us the truth as truth and help us follow it, and show us falsehood as falsehood and help us avoid it.
Naiyerah,
I see that some of your points are good. But I think you’re stressing a certain discourse of gender relations.
(1) Intermingling with our Muslim sisters is not haram or prohibited. It is healthy and plant confidence among Muslims. That’s sad to find that I can’t talk with Muslim sister in the college or at any place;however, it sad to notice that I can talk and intermingle with any gilr on campus because of your discourse.
(2) I wonder if you have an idea about fiqh al-m’allat (consequences). I think you’re calling for a certain type of separation which stresses the sexuality aspects. You totally ignore that our sisters still human beings and they need to feel that they’re normal human without imposing certian idealogical meaning to any serious, disciplined interaction or contact.
(3)I have seen you once and I think your personality fits this trend of thought, which I do respect. But you can’t say that those other views do not “Watch” God “Muhasaba; or “abide” by Taqwa, ect. In fact, We do understand the spirit of Islam not the literalist reading or the fake facade of some prevailing discourses.
I would highly appreciate if you can write something to stress the moral, manners, practices of Islam. I think I know some people who are extremely greedy and morally bankrupt;however, on TVs, they’ll come and say “Allah Says…” & the “Prphet says….”.
This is extremely disturbing facts for all educated Muslims. I wish you’ll be able some time to understand your context and to always questions your knowledge and message.
Eid Mubarak…
Sameh
UCLA
Wow, he is really on a mission to try to prove your wrong. Sameh, you have to draw the line somewhere, and you and Naiyerah just disagree about where that line is drawn. She didnt say in the article that intermingling was wrong but that when a relationship gets to a certain point it can be destructive. Of course you dont want to hide behind something when you see a muslim sister, and you should say salams.
Brother,
As Muslims, our source of guidance is the Qur’an and Sunnah – not our whims, desires and personal preferences. The point of the article was to show the wisdom behind maintaining appropriate gender interaction, and the dangers of straying away from the guidelines Islam has prescribed. When our Muslim communities are dealing with youth with broken hearts, lost virginities and pre-marital pregnancies, the benefits of preserving Islamic principles of gender interaction become all the more obvious.
I’m in no way calling for complete separation, but intermingling loosely with no restrictions is also another extreme that Islam does not support. There’s a middle ground where men and women can and should interact with modesty and self-respect in order to serve society and our Ummah’s needs. As Allah says: “The believing men and believing women are supporters of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.”
May Allah make us of those who enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, not vice versa.
Salams folks,
In no way, I am not trying to prove that Naiyerah is wrong. Actually, I do agree with every word in her last reply. I am just trying to say that gender is a sensitive, thorny issue for those coming from different culture and background.So, some are trying very hard to Islamize their cultural heritage.
Also, we should be able to learn from the exchange of ideas.
Eid Saiid for all of you..
Sameh
Asalaamu alaikum,
Great job on the article masha’allah! I just want to say something in response to gender being a “thorny issue”. I am a revert to Islam. American-born and raised. I do not intermingle outside of NECESSITY and I am happy not to. I have seen the truth and beauty of Islamic rulings, alhamdulillah. I grew up in this culture, and I do not miss friendships with men, alhamdulillah.
As far as the “thorny issue” of gender…gender? thorny? Allah made me a woman, Allah made you a man…so be it, alhamdulillah. Here’s the thing, no one holds talks about why oranges don’t taste like apples, or why are their colors different, or any silly issues like that. No one says, oh studies show that people like oranges more than apples in area “X”, oh, those poor little oppressed apples.
I know I may be taking this to a very simple place, but the main problem here is: complicity and concession. When we as Muslims look at our religion by “western standards” we will never win, never. They want us to feel low. That is why they bring up issues like capital punishment in Islam, women’s rights (gender equality, not the actual rights Allah has given us through Islam) in Islam, democracy in Islam etc, etc. They want us to look at ourselves through their eyes and feel defeated. Allah is the creator and sustainer of the universe and he has created everything EXACTLY as it should be alhamdulillah!
“This day have I perfected for you your religion and completed My favor on you and chosen for you Islam as a religion.”– Qur’an 5:3 By western standards, something perfect needs to be able to “evolve” and change. Alhamdulillah, Allah has given us TRUE perfection without any need to change or become complacent or to concede to any other sytem.
Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Yousra
Salams Sister Yousra,
Thanks very much for your contribution…Well, there is No much difference when we talk about “gender” as a thorny issue esp. in certain cultures or cultural context. As an specialist, I can simply say that “NECESSITY” in the Islamic legal system is very intricate, interesting concept but using it in the sense you’ve been using is tricky. The original verdict of everything is “permisibility”, unless there is a clear-cut qu’ranic verse. Anyway, NECESSITY is a process rather than a condition or a situation. Finally, I do urge you to read Abdel Halim abu shuqa’s Book on Women in the Qur’an and the Sunna. He did an excellent job.
I think you’ll gain more insights about how, when & why gender has always been a thorny issue for some intellecutals, trends & the writer, of course.
I hope you’ve enjoyed Eid…Take Care all
Sameh
As Salaamu’alaykum wa RahmatullLaahi wa barakatuuh,
Wonderful Post!!! JazakhillLaah khayran uktee.
Wa`alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
Wa’iyyakum Ukhty!
Jazakallh Khair. Your message was simple, understandable and concise. Inshallah more people will get this message in time. my parents never talked to me about how women should interact with men, that was basically left up to my non-muslim friends. I just wish I knew this earlier.
Naiyerah makes very valid points, keeping in mind the environment we live in. However is this an acceptable environment in the first place. Are sisters and brothers suppose to work together in MSA’s?
Is a sister in the name of Dawah allowed to get up on a platform and start speakings to a mixed audience?
Or is all her religious activities outside the home meant to be in a sisters only environment.
When we speak of Muraqabah of Allah swt, this means a close check on our actions as well and making sure we do what is in Allah swt’s pleasure.Which in the first instance means, our actions should be inline with Quran and Sunnah.
and Allah swt says;
33:33 And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former Times of Ignorance; and establish regular Prayer, and give regular Charity; and obey Allah and His Messenger. And Allah only wishes to remove all abomination from you, ye members of the Family, and to make you pure and spotless.
In our Salaf, the women built the community from her home outwards, today our sisters are focusing first on the outside, a place that is not meant for her by Allah swt.
Bismillah,
JazakAllahu khayran Brother for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you that women should begin their da`wah in the home and that women should primarily be of service to other women in society. However, there’s two extremes that the Ummah is struggling with today with respect to Muslim women. One is from the feminist/liberal side that’s pushing to ‘liberate’ them from their ‘traditional’ roles and in essence dissolve their essential role as the core of the family (which is the building block of society). There’s also the other conservative/strict extreme that wants to trap women in the home and prevent them from interacting with any men. The more balanced position is of course between those two extremes.
Yes, we recognize that a woman’s primary role is caring for the husband and family,raising righteous children, etc. but we also call for her to gain an education and contribute to islah (reformation) in her society (socially, educationally, politically). This would be impossible nowadays without dealing with any men.
More importantly, if you’re taking the Sunnah as an example, women were heavily involved in society and interacted with men during the Prophet’s time (of course, while observing the Shar`y guidelines of dress/code of conduct). They attended prayers in the masjid (without a barrier between the men and women!), they attended gatherings of knowledge, asked the men questions and corrected them on things (and vice versa), they nursed the wounded on the battlefield and some even participated in battle and defended the Prophet (asws).
Nowadays, our leading educational, Islamic, and political institutions and organizations all have men and women interacting and doing constructive work together – so are we going to isolate women just so they don’t see and deal with men? Instead of limiting the women to the home, we should encourage them to be involved but while maintaining the Islamic code of conduct. Also, Allah (swt) says: “The believing men and believing women are supporters of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong… Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” So there’s encouragement from Allah (swt) for men and women to help each other in spreading the deen (uplifting our youth, feeding the poor, giving da`wah, increasing knowledge, etc.)
As for the ayah you mentioned, I’d like to point out that it’s specifically addressing the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him). If you look at the ayat before it (starting from 33:28), you will notice how Allah begins the ayat with “O Prophet, say to your wives…O wives of the Prophet, you are not like anyone among women… “
We know that these ayat are specifically addressing the wives of the Prophet because when Allah speaks to all the women in general (as in the ayat describing the women’s dress), He refers to them as ‘nisaa’ al-mu’mineen’ (women of the believers).
If you say but we’re supposed to take the wives of the Prophet (asws) as an example, I’ll say yes that’s true, but they had a special status and honor as the wives of the Prophet. That’s why they had specific rules applied to them. In the ayat preceding the one you quoted, they are informed of the doubled rewards/punishment for their good and bad deeds, respectively. They were also to remain in their homes (except for necessity) and be physically separated by a hijab (or barrier, not to be confused with its usage nowadays to mean headscarf) when other strangers come to their homes and ask them for something (33:53). As Abu Shuqqa mentions in Tahrir Al-Mar’ah Fi `Asr Al-Risalah (Women’s Liberation during the Era of the Prophetic Message), their isolation and separation was to distinguish them as the mothers of the believers, and it was also a preparatory stage for the eventual prohibition of anyone marrying them after the Prophet’s death. All of these characteristics of course don’t apply to the rest of women.
All this being said, I do realize that many of our MSA’s and even Islamic organizations have brothers and sisters mixing too much and straying away from the original purpose of what brought them together in the first place. If more harm and sin is gained from men and women interacting in a specific setting, then it’s best to avoid it if there’s no way of changing it. But, if there’s benefit and constructive work being produced and the brothers and sisters are observing their limits and not messing around, then insha’Allah they will be rewarded for their intentions and their efforts.
wAllahu a`lam!
PS>> My apologies if this is a double post, but it did not come through the first time.
The matter with regards to the correct position of Muslim women in Islam can not be labeled as ‘extreme’. We need to be very conscious of these labels. When the kuffar label us it is something we have not accepted, but when it comes from ourselves, then it means we have accepted these labels. In Islam we follow the middle path, as the Prophet saw said, khair al umoor awsaatuha, the best of matters is the middle. However the key as always remains, what is that middle path, and how do we align our understanding towards that. Also if I could stress what we do as individuals is not necessarily the middle path and we need to look into religious reference for how the middle is defined.
The position of women in Islam is one that is very clear, and as you rightly said, she is part of society, and there is no doubt in that. The question is how she takes part in society without transgressing the limits of Allah swt.
We can not say something is allowed simply because our environment today is a mixed environment for the sexes. Therefore because our environment is of such we must also drop our religious standards to comply.
I would like to elaborate using the examples you gave,
1. The Mosque of the Prophet saw at the time of the Prophet saw was a fairly small Mosque, the men and women would have been pretty close, so what made it possible for them to pray in the same space without a barrier. As narrated in Sunnan Abu Dawud 1:381 the Prophet saw said “Do not prevent the female servants of Allah from the Masjid of Allah, but have them go out without wearing fragrance”. This Hadith in a nutshell explains why it was possible for those Saalihaat to go to the Mosque. They observed the correct manner of dress, they were covered head to toe, they walked with haya, they spoke softly, and they wore no perfumes or knocking shoes. Even though those Saalihaat implemented the best dress codes, the Prophet saw in the next Hadith of Sunnan Abu Dawud 1:382 states “wa buyutuhuna khairun lahuna” “even though their houses are better for them”.
2. As for our leading educational and political institutions and what they do, can not be a basis or reason for changing the laws of Islam. As mentioned earlier, what Muslims are doing can not be the focal point in finding what the religious middle path is. The middle path has to be identified from the Islamic source, Quran and Sunnah. The ayah you quoted is out of context in this matter simply because it is not referring to working in a mixed environment, or that they should mingle, but rather working towards a common purpose, forbidding what is wrong and encouraging what is right. Each in their own domains and that is how they are to support one another, not to cross the fence saying “Brother let me lift that with you.”
As with regards the Ayah 33:33, it is consensus among Mufassireen that from 33:28-32, Allah swt addresses the wives of the Prophet saw specifically and aspects of the address such as the reward for good deeds and punishment for bad deeds, were specific to them only. However other parts of the ayaat apply to all Muslim women, i.e being soft in speech, speaking in an honorable manner etc.
Ayah 33:33, this Ayah applies to all Muslim women. Mujahid said about this ayah, and there is great lesson in what he says “women used to go out walking in front of men, and this was Tabarruj of Jahiliyyah” Ad Durr Al Manthur 6:602.
How could this Ayah only be for the wives of the Prophet saw, when the message is for all women?
Muqatil bin Hayyan said with regards the same ayah in Ad Durr Al Manthur 6:602 “Tabarruj is when a woman puts a Khimar on her head but does not tie it properly”
Meaning that her embellishments are becoming visible to non-mahram men. Again this is reference that this ayah is not just for the wives of the Prophet saw but for every Muslim woman.
I see that you paid great attention to the Ayah, so I will try to explain this ayah. The Ayah is not a ban on women from going out. Rather it is an injunction on when and how she can leave her home and what rules she has to follow.
The essential injunction in this ayah is that the home is also a hijab for the women. Along with it is also that she not move around in public without hijab, as it used to be the case in Jahiliyyah. The word Tabarruj essentially means manifestation or display and at this place it means the display of personal embellishments before non-mahram men. If it was totally forbidden for her to go out, or as you say trapped in the house, Allah swt would not have said wa la tabarrujuna, this clarifies that she can go out, if she follows the rules.
This now brings our discussion back full circle, unless our women folk do follow the Islamic rules of engagement (between men and women), then they are better off staying at home. Things like her giving public speeches, where the tone of her voices rises and falls, things like her traveling without a Mahram, things like her being a night and a day away from home without a Mahram, giggling and mingling in MSA settings are all part of the Tabarruj of Jahiliyyah, and yes this ayah then does apply to her.
Assalamu `Alaykum Brother,
SubhanAllah, you speak in such definitive language that makes it seem like we’re “changing Islam” and “dropping religious standards” according to what you see is the only right way. I ask Allah that He blesses us all with more open minds and true understanding of the deen.
Extremism is the effect of deviating from the middle path (the wasat), and the term is not only used by the enemies of Islam. Tashaddud is criticized in the hadith: “Indeed, the deen is yusr (ease), and whoever becomes extreme in the deen, it will defeat him” [Bukhari].
I agree that the Shari`ah doesn’t conform to us but that we conform to it, but our understanding of women’s place in society should be based on comprehensive knowledge and not picking and choosing or interpreting nusoos to justify our own views.
Mujahid and Ibn Hayyan’s statements don’t prove that ayah 33:33 is for all women (they only describe what tabarujj is). Just to quote one reference, `Ikramah says (as quoted in Al-Tafsir Al-Kabir by Tabarani): “This ayah was revealed for the wives of the Prophet especially.” Also, how can it address all women when the subject for “waqarna” is still the wives of the Prophet from the previous ayat? Allah (swt) didn’t generalize to all women yet; He only does so starting from 33:35. If I say “The clowns were funny and made people laugh. They had red noses and painted faces. Everyone was happy,” how can I say “they” in the second sentence refers to everyone? Linguistically it doesn’t make sense. I’ll reiterate that the rules for the wives of the prophet in these ayat were due to their status and to prepare for the prohibition of other men marrying them (as stated towards the end of the same surah 33:53).
When you use ayah 33:33 as proof of your argument, it generalizes the specific and makes the strict rules apply to all women. That contradicts the Sunnah because the sahabiyyat were not restricted to their homes and they interacted with men in numerous cases (while maintaining hayaa’). So instead of sending women back home if they don’t uphold Islamic guidelines of interaction, why not work to educate women about the importance of hayaa’ and modesty. I think that’s way more realistic in our times.
If/when you have kids insha’Allah, will you prevent your daughters from going to school and college because they’ll interact with men, work in groups, give presentations and talk to their male teachers/professors? Probably not, but you’d raise them so they can behave with modesty and hayaa’, right? What if they slip at times, will you and your wife remind them kindly or keep them at home to punish them because they didn’t listen?
If you choose to be more limiting with the women in your family, be my guest and may Allah reward you for your intentions. But you can’t call for strictness with other Muslim women when the Shar` and Sunnah allow for more ease and leniency.
wAllahu a`lam.
wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah
I would like to make a kind request that we keep to the rules of Islamic discussion. As the A’imah have taught us, we should not direct our comments to the individual but rather to the arguments they are presenting. I would like to apologies if I have done this in my previous comment.
With regards being definitive, Islamic knowledge is vast, Ka bahrin ameeq, but it is clear. Interpretation of the knowledge happens within a usool. That frame work allows flexibility by it is definitive. As I know you agree, as Muslims our position is sam’ea na wa ata’na once we hear the words of Allah swt, Hadith an Nabawee and Ijtihad of A’imah we don’t try to see what our personal opinions on the matter is. Ameen to the dua you made.
Now to look at the items we agree upon, and Inshallah this will help remove any misunderstandings between us. We both agree that our personal views and what is happening around us is not the source for finding the religious position. The religious position has its own source and they are m’aroof.
We both agree that the ayaat 33:28-34 addresses the wives of the Prophet saw and the reason for this address again is established and we both agree on that.
The question is, are these ayaat and the message contained within them, solely and totally for the wives of the Prophet saw and excludes other Muslim women? Can I make another kind request that you ask your asaatizah with regards to this?
Since I am not disagreeing with you on the fact that these ayaat were revealed for the wives of the Prophet saw in the specifics of the ayaat, such as the choice that was given to them, the rewards and punishments, giving our mothers a distinguished position unlike other women. We both agree to these.
The difference from what I see in your comment, is, that you believe these ayaat and the message of the ayaat are only for the wives of the Prophet saw. For this I am sure your asaatizah can be a good first source to discuss.
With regards “wa qarna” from a linguistic point of you, this is the continuation of the address to the wives of the Prophet saw. However the message is for all women, because the ayah reads “and stay in your houses, and do not Tabarruj yourselves like the Tabarruj of the times of ignorance, and perform the salah, and give Zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger, Allah wishes only to remove the Ar-rijs from you, O members of the family, and to purify you with a thorough purification”.
If we were to use the reasoning presented by yourself earlier, then that would mean we are excluding the other believing women from the injunction of this ayah and the ayaat before. At-Tabari and Ibn Katheer both write under ayah 32, 33 and 34 that these injunctions are taught to the wives of the Prophet saw, but they are for all believing women. i.e fa la takhdh’a na bilqawl, wa qulna qawllan ma’rufa, wa qarna fee buyutikuna….
With regards the second half of your comment the wives of the Prophet saw did not stay at home, nor did the Sahabiyaat. As I mentioned before, this ayah is not saying for them to stay at home, rather it is saying how, when and under what rules she can go out. The position is not to send her back home if she does not follow the guidelines; rather it is she shouldn’t go out if she isn’t going to follow the guidelines.
To the next point, how to assist in her development and how is she to learn and educate. From the ayat addressing women, one thing that becomes very clear is, her dress code and conduct will determine how much allowance she has from Islamic law. For example, a naked woman shouldn’t leave her home. A woman in make up shouldn’t leave her home. A woman wearing perfume shouldn’t leave her home, a woman in high heels making tick tock noise that attracts peoples attention shouldn’t leave her home.
However if she is fully covered, has her abayah and niqaab on, no perfume, no high heels following the rules. She is then allowed to go out of the home. If we even follow the weaker opinion, no niqaab but has abayah and khimar, she can go out.
Once she is out of her home then rules of travel apply, if she is going out a distance of night and day, she needs a mahram. If she is going to stay away from home, she needs a mahram. She is allowed an education, preferably in a segregated environment, or one with limited mixing.
The women of Islam made progress not by mixing; they had their classes and their gatherings. They learnt Hadith and taught Hadith they even taught men hadith, but did so from behind a niqaab or a curtain, such as Zaynab bint Sulayman, whom herself was a princess.
Without elaborating further, the focus is on following the guidelines. Today our youth both male and female, are trying to get the rules to bend with them simply because we live in a different environment.
As with the last two paragraphs I won’t respond to those, as it is not beneficial to this topic and I make dua that Allah swt gives us both understanding of deen, through the light that it was revealed. Many people find knowledge through the window of their own existence, though it is knowledge it is bias and limited to the life the person has lived. We ask Allah swt to give us ilman naafe’a and qalban khaashi’a.
Assalamu `Alaykum,
JazakAllahu khayran for the reminder, and amin to your du`aas. I previously agreed that we take ummahat al-mu’mineen as an example, and we know that women should go out when there’s a need. I’ve also stated in the article briefly the things that should be avoided so as not to attract men’s attention (which includes khudu` bilqawl, tabarruj, perfume, etc.). This can all be gleaned from many ayat and ahadith that address all women. My point in this discussion was to note that the khitaab in this context is especially directed to the wives of the prophet (asws) because they have a special status and are held to higher standards. Even Sawda bint Zam`ah (raa) took the command in ayah 33:33 literally. Muhammad ibn Sireen narrates that she was told: “Won’t you make Hajj or `Umrah as your sisters have done? She said: ‘I’ve made Hajj and `Umrah, then Allah commanded me to stay in my home. So, by Allah, I will not go out until I die.’ So, by Allah she was not taken out of her home until her janazah, may Allah be pleased with her.”
The questions about children were more rhetorical to show the lack of practicality in proposing that all women who fail to practice complete modesty should remain in the home. When hundreds of thousands of Muslim women have now gone out of the home to gain an education, work to make ends meet or because there’s a need for them in the da`wah, it’s unrealistic to tell them all to stay at home if they’re not going to dress or act appropriately. Some might not know the Islamic dress code; some might need a reminder; some need an Imaan boost and encouragement. So, I think it’s more practical and effective to kindly and gently encourage women to take the example of the sahabiyyat, and serve the needs of their society with adab and hayaa’.
Regarding women traveling without a mahram, some contemporary scholars like Sh. al-Qaradawi consider the different circumstances of our time, and they’ve allowed that women travel with other trustworthy people when it’s safe and there’s a need. The original topic of this fatwa is traveling for Hajj, but it’s applicable for other types of travel too:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503544964
As for niqaab and which is the stronger opinion, that’s a different discussion; both perspectives have their respective, valid adillah, and after knowing the different views, everyone is entitled to follow what they view is closest to providing maslahah according to the Shari`ah—for the individual, family and community.
JazakAllahu khayran again for your follow-up comments.
Allahumma ahdina wahdi bina waj`alna hudatan muhtadeen.
wa Alaikum Assalam wa Rahmatullah
My apologies for the delayed reply I have been very busy.
The example of Sawda bint Zam’ah rah is as you said; she took it literally, and it was part of some rare occurrences. We know other Ummahaat al Mumineen did go out.
The action of millions of people is irrelevant when it comes to identifying the middle path or what is right, most of the world does what is not right. The action of people does not make the right wrong, or the wrong right. It is very important that acknowledgement of what is right takes place, before concessions are applied. The fact that thousands of women are doing wrong things can not be used as a pretext to make something thing wrong allowable. Or to say they are all going doing it so let’s allow it.
The fatwa of Sheikh Qardawi is a concession it is not a rule. Necessity for hajj when one does not have any mahram, is different to going for a holiday or a trip from one country to another. It is also different to going away from home, when that is not a necessity.
The reference to Niqaab was not to get into the debate on the different views with regards to it. My point was that as long as the woman abides by the rules, even if there are differences regarding the rules, those rules provide her great liberation. However there are certain things she is not allowed to do regardless of which forum of hijjab she has.
Jazakallahu Khairal Jaza
Amazing article..i wish i had read this earlier..I have been in this situation exceot that my guy friend was a non muslim..Now i realise my mistakes and Im praying to Allah everyday for forgiveness.