Kissing Frogs is Optional

Part 5: Searching for Mr. Right

There is a reason that fairytales continue to be read generation after generation. There are elements of truth in them, and specifically, the Brothers Grimm, which breakdown the level of evil a human heart can reach. Fortunately, good always conquers evil.

In the tale of the frog prince, if you recall, there is a princess who has promised the frog he can be near her after he retrieves her golden ball she lost down in the well.

A promise being a promise, she had to keep this frog near. In the version of the story I read, the princess was young, and she detested having the frog eat her dinner with her and sleep on her bed. Eventually, she began to like the frog enough to kiss it goodnight. After this, he transformed into a dashing young prince. And you know the rest, marriage and happily ever after.

This seems like a bit of a stretch, but I would say that this is a lot like marriage and true love J

Your marriage is a covenant between you, your husband, and Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. I think that is a lot stronger than a promise to have and to hold, through sickness and in health. It’s all of those famous lines and more.

What if I told you that there will come a time when sharing dinner and the bed with your husband, no matter how amazing he is, will feel like, well, like having a frog around?

It will happen. I mean come on, you fought with your siblings growing up, right? Do you really think you can live with someone day in and day out and never have a disagreement, a cold shoulder, be tired of their smelly socks, or feel utter frustration?

I know that as Muslims we want to live in ideals and think that we will never get upset, we will follow the Sunnah to a “t” and just be these loving and super patient creatures. What could there be to possibly fight over?

Let me remind you of the man who came to the house of Umar ibn Khattab to ask for advice, but left when he reached the door. Umar came out to ask him why he was leaving, and the man replied that he was coming for advice about his wife, but he sees Umar has the same problem! The wife of Umar was yelling at him J

And we all love that beautiful part in the story where Aisha, Um al Mumineen, breaks the dish in front of dinner guests out of her jealousy for another woman’s dish that was there before hers.

You should never stop struggling to improve your character, habits, and way of being. This is because it is part of your journey towards Allah, subhanahui wa ta’ala, which is to be sincere and in a state of consistent growth, learning, and implementation.

But you are who you are. And you will never be perfect.

That being said, your husband is who he is too. And he will never be perfect.

Sometimes, you may simply have to kiss him out of the goodness of your heart, and reach beyond the external. “Magic” can and does happen in moments like that. Being able to reach beyond the surface, beyond the moment is part of true love.

Love is the cultivation of a friendship, of connection, and to be invested in the growth of another human being.

Love isn’t about you.

Love is giving unconditionally.

Love is acting lovingly when you don’t feel like it.

Love is learning to be vulnerable.

Love is not always being right.

Love doesn’t thrive in the weed bed of insecurities.

Love flourishes in the garden of openness and trust.

There is nothing more beautiful than real love. This is why it is more beautiful than the “in love,” stage. That stage feels amazing, but it is about feelings. It is not strong, dependable, and reliable.

Real love is making a choice where to direct your heart, and to whom.

Yes, true love, true passion, true romance, is a choice.

Love is making a decision to go beyond yourself.

Love is realizing that someone else is not responsible for your happiness, and therefore you are free to love, not dependant on getting love.

Love is always seeing the big picture, and returning to what truly matters and is not consumed and obsessed only with what is and is not being given to you in someone elses’s time, energy, focus, attention, and giving.

Please understand, I am not saying that you will not be given all those things in a healthy marriage. If both people are working together to cultivate true love, then you will have something far greater than the fairytale.

What I really want to help you understand, though, is that it is a process, a work always in progress.

Most of you I, would guess, are not prepared to imagine that there is a responsibility of work once your foot is in the door of marriage with your husband. This may all seem to fly right over your head, especially if you believe you are in love.

Let me give you a different example that is more easily accepted.

Before you have your first baby, like most responsible women who want to be good mothers, you would read about the development of your baby while in the womb. You would watch what you eat, take better care of yourself, because there is a tiny miracle growing inside of you.

Before that little bundle of joy is born, insha’Allah, you will have read through the first 9 months of a baby’s life. You want to be prepared for what things will be like when they arrive. Chapter after chapter you will read about their sleep schedule, your need to be flexible, how to breast feed, complications that can arise and how to solve them, how to bathe a baby, tell when its hungry or just cold, and finally what to do if they never stop crying. Baby books even warn mothers how to avoid burnout, and to let them know from now that you may very well feel emotionally overwhelmed, and therefore, how to get help and support.

All of this you will read before that baby ever comes into this world. When that baby becomes your reality, if you are well read, you will be better prepared.

How come marriage is different?

Few people ever educate themselves about marriage. The reason, repeating myself again, is because of the belief in the fairytale. You think if you marry the right person, everything will just fall into place, forever.

If you haven’t done so yet, now is another opportunity to let the fairytale die.

Instead, begin to envision what an amazing marriage looks like that is built upon real love.

Imagine the kind of person you want to be, and discover where you are right now on the path of personal growth.

Love will come. Love will come. Love will come.

Let go of your fears. When you find Mr. Right, love will be there so long as you remember that he must choose to love you, and you must choose to love him, and making a decision is far more romantic than taking action just because of a feeling.

When the “in love,” part begins to fade, you will then be able to look deeply into his eyes, and see a man who has committed himself to love you, take care of you, honor you, and maintain you for the rest of his life to the best of his abilities, regardless of how he feels that morning.

That is man hood.

Anything short of that, then you may find a man who will start up a relationship with e female co worker because he had “feelings for her.”

Trust in Allah, and trust in the journey. Begin to prepare from now learning about marriage, how to find Mr.Right, and what to do when you finally meet him so he’ll propose to you!

Then, you can ride off into the sunset with Ameer Charming, and right at that moment, is when you’ll learn something new about him.

We’ll introduce this one after you enjoy the ride and the scenic landscape a bit…..

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

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