Marriage Mermaid Style

Part 3: Searching for Mr. Right

Do you remember that part in the movie where the Little Mermaid decides that she has to marry this strange human guy she saved on the beach? Well, maybe she didn’t say she had to marry him from the get go, but she, in all her fascination, falls in love with him from that brief encounter (here we go again.)

Now honestly, I know he was supposed to be all handsome and what not, but this story is a classic example of one of the top reasons both women and men marry.

For women, it’s about escaping from something. Like some motives of sisters I know, it’s about getting a life of their own away from Daddy, and on to better places. We spend the whole movie feeling pity for this poor little mermaid who just wants to be “part of their world,” and this guy is going to get her there.

(For men, it’s about “her voice,” or her pretty face, or some other appendage on her physical body. They see beauty and they think perfection on a silver platter. So that I don’t digress, I am going to save this for another article!)

And no, I am not blind to the fact that we could draw many other analogies on this topic (now that my brain is churning) and think about how her father who loves her so much is perhaps too much “set in his ways” to allow her to consider something outside their “cultural” norm. He clearly loves Ariel, but wants her to forget about hopes and dreams that he thinks aren’t meant for her.

None the less, my job is to ask you to focus on your motives for marriage. Paying the role of the escapist is incredibly self centered and very unfair to the man who would marry you.

Marriage is, again, not a fairy tale, but a real life daily drama with you as the star role. There is daily work to be done to have a happy, balanced marriage, and if your deepest objective was to escape something, no matter how perfect your man who rescues you is, there are going to be issues.

For example, maybe you want to escape social pressure, because everyone else is getting married, you simply “have to,” so the aunties won’t talk behind your back, so you can talk about wedding dresses, booking hotels, and taste wedding cakes too. Now here comes a long this great brother who has been preparing years to be ready for a wife, and he ends up marrying you who is just looking to follow a social trend. Of course, you aren’t saying that to yourself out loud, but deep down you know the real reason.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Another example would be if you live with a father who you feel is out of touch with modern day reality, and you are looking to just escape his authority and his house rules. Marriage seems like a clean break, because then your obedience shifts to your husband instead, and you imagine that nothing will be worse than your father. Let me fast forward your life on this one. The stakes are pretty high that you will marry someone just like your father, and end up more miserable because instead of marrying as a whole person, you married the most available person who seemed decent enough, and you wind up miserable down the road, one child in your arms, and another clinging to your dress, staring at yourself in the mirror wondering how it is you married someone just like your father. There is no one to blame but yourself my dear.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Marriage in Islam does not prevent love, and a deep connection between spouses. It encourages friendship, romance, affection, kind words, even flirtatiousness and most definitely kind compromise and mercy.

At the end of the day, though, marriage is a means to end. Marriage is not an “end” in and of itself. You are on a journey back to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is the end you are to pursue, and marriage should be a means to support you on that path.

If you marry for selfish reasons, for reasons that involve needing just to escape, how likely do you think that you will support your spouse in their ‘ibadah?

You cannot live in dreams and fairytales.

This may very well be the death of it in your heart, but the truth is that marriage does not fix what is broken in your life.

If I have learned anything as a wife, it would be to share with you that marriage highlights what is broken, what is in need of repair and attention, but it never makes it go away.

Whatever you are running from will haunt you until you look within yourself and find a deeper meaning in your life, and a greater connection with your Lord who created you. He is, after all, in control of the affairs of your life.

Think of all those fairytale princesses who were victims before they got married. Cinderella, in the classic version I read, said she can’t tell her father how mean her step-mother is because “he would be angry as he was ruled by his wife anyhow.” Snow White also has, apparently, a father who is not a real man because his new wife runs her off into the woods out of jealousy. They are passive victims who only find happiness when a man shows up.

Whatever people you are trying to please will not be satisfied once you are married. Once married the social pressures do not end. After this, people who are shallow find an even longer list of things to judge you with. It might be asking when you will get pregnant, or judging how good of a cook you are, the apartment you live in, and the car your drive. Trust me. If it’s about people, you will never ever win.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Begin to think about marriage as a means to the correct end, and with that in mind, let’s move on to our next piece of intellectual candy….

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

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