No Love Lost
April 3, 2009 by Roberta D
Filed under Featured, Relationships
I know the second glance is sinful, but it was instinctive, and I could hardly have helped a double-take as Dawud Ali walked right past me, headed straight back into my life.
It was the fall of 2006, and I hadn’t seen Dawud in the two years it’d been since I’d left high school. We were in the same homeroom all four years, but moved in different circles and rarely spoke, outside one conversation senior year to commiserate over the difficulties of being two of only a handful of Muslims at our school three years after 9/11, charged with being the sole representatives of a faith that neither of us knew very much about. He opted to attend the local community college after graduation, while I moved up north for school, and so we hadn’t seen one another again.
Yet I would continue to muse over that conversation from time to time. It marked the start of an important stage in my life, where I realized that I had a responsibility as a Muslim to know more about my religion. I had also enjoyed Dawud’s conversation, and wished we’d spoken again. Especially now that I had seen him again, I wondered; had he also continued to think over the implications of being part of the Muslim minority in America? Was he active in the MSA back home? But what on earth was he doing in this town, and on my college campus? There were many questions in my mind, but one thing I was pretty sure about: Now that the years had added considerably to our experiences and knowledge, there was the potential for us to have many more great conversations.
***
The next day around noontime, the tall figure approaching the MSA table as I sat in the student union chatting with Mariam had clearly seen and recognized me as well.
“Hey, Fatima … that’s you, right?”
“Haha, whoa, Dawud Ali! Yeah, it’s me – how are you bro, and what are you doing here? What a suprise! As-salaamu `alaykum!”
“Wa `alaykum salaam, it’s been ages! Yeah, I’m actually a transfer, got into the business school and just started this semester. How have you been?” He looked exactly as he had in high school – meticulously groomed, designer clothing, and oh yes, a killer smile. We exchanged the normal pleasantries, and he asked me where campus jumuah was held. I drew a little map for him on the back of a flier for the halaqa coming up on Thursday.
“So just go through the doors on the right-hand side and either I or another of the officers will be setting up. We try to get the khateebs to finish by 2pm sharp so nobody’s late to class insha’Allah,” I said.
“I see you’ve gotten really involved in, y’know, the Muslim Student Association,” he said, shifting from one foot to the other and gesturing at nothing in particular. “That’s cool, you know, that’s really great,” he said in a hesitant tone, betraying his true feeling on the subject.
“Yeah, yeah… kinda found my niche after high school. You should come out sometime, you know? There’s always a few events after classes every week. And the halaqa on Thursday should be pretty good. Shaykh Tariq is awesome, and the topic is about preparing for Ramadan as a student,” I said.
“Yeah, for sure… I’m still getting into the flow of things but I’ll try to make it out sometime insha’Allah,” he said. “Well I’ve got class right now, but I’m sure I’ll run into you again sometime. I’ll try to make it out on Thursday. Salaam!”
“Wa `alaykum salaam wa rahmatullah,” I mumbled to his fast-retreating form. I stared into the space he had occupied for a few moments, and eventually my heart stopped beating my eardrums. It would take several moments more before my stomach stopped fluttering.
Well, there it was. I’d finally had a second conversation with Dawud, now that we were both older and more mature. So why did I feel like I was back in high school all over again?
I glanced self-consciously down at myself, the big black abaya I was wearing billowing ever so slightly in the wind, and felt a tinge of regret that I hadn’t been a bit more careful with my clothing selection this morning. I had abayas that fit a bit more nicely and in more flattering colors; why did I choose to wear the slightly fobby-looking, shapeless one with the funny embroidery on it? Careless; I probably looked so ridiculous to him, a far cry from the funky, attention-grabbing style I’d sported in high school. Without my big earrings and hip-hugging jeans, I was hardly recognizable as the same person.
***
He showed up on Thursday. After the lecture was over, he caught up with me in the hallway as I headed out of the classroom.
“Hey Salaam Fatima!”
“Wa `alaykum salaam, how’s it going Dawud?”
“Doing pretty good, thanks. Yourself?”
“I’m good, ‘hamdillah. How’d you like the lecture?”
“Not bad, not bad. … This sorta thing’s not really up my alley, but he kinda put an interesting twist on it, so that was cool.”
“Yeah, I think he has really good insights sometimes, masha’Allah. You should hear his khutbahs, he fits an amazing amount of info in such a short time.”
“Ah, well I guess I’ll see on Friday. Hey, I was gonna ask you, have you eaten dinner yet? Do you wanna grab something on our way out? We should catch up.”
I knew he hadn’t come to the MSA table for jumuah directions.
“Oh I’m actually about to head home with my roommate, we’ve got a midterm tomorrow bro,” I said, groping for the words that I had to say, but having difficulty finding them.
“Oh, what about tomorrow night then?”
“Uh there’s a sister’s movie night thing tomorrow…” For goodness’ sake! I spoke to interfaith groups all the time, even talked to journalists about Islam. Why was it so difficult for me to explain my position on a simple matter to my Muslim brother?
“Wow, you’re a pretty busy woman!” He smiled – and I looked into the source of my difficulty. I took a deep breath and tried to sound casual.
“Haha, yeah I know … between classes and MSA events, I can hardly find time to sleep! And like, even when I don’t have stuff to do for class or MSA, I just try to chill with my roommates or some of the freshmen and sophomore sisters. Like, when I was a freshman there were some great sisters in the MSA that chilled with me and made me feel like less of a freak for not hanging out with guys and stuff, you know? So I’m kinda trying to provide that same kinda support for the younger sisters insha’Allah.”
“Yeah…” he said, a bit more out of respect than understanding. “Yeah, that’s cool.”
“Yeah,” I also said.
The silence set in slowly, like a sponge slowly sinking into the sea between us. I fidgeted with the fringe on my hijab and glanced over at my roommate, who was talking to another sister a few feet away as she waited for me so we could walk home together.
“Uh, well it’s pretty late, I should get going,” he said, breaking the silence. “Homework to do and all. I guess I’ll see you around then. Have a good night! Salaam,” he said, and walked away.
“Thanks bro. Wa salaams,” I said.
A line had been drawn in the sand. There would be no great conversations. And you know what? That was okay.
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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So, what is the point of this story?
Salam Alaikom,
The point of the story is that non mahram will always be non mahram. stay away from free mixing, dating etc
selams omar. You must’ve taken a reading comprehension course at some point, bro. Read it again and take a guess
Yeah, but what threw me off was this last statement:
“There would be no great conversations. And you know what? That was okay.”
Is she implying small ones are okay?
It just means that this whole idea she’s built up in her head about the two of them isn’t going to work out, because she’s changed and he much hasn’t… It’s something that happens a lot when people become more religious or more practicing or Islam begans to have more of an impact on their lives. There can be a disconnect between your ‘old’ life and your new one … and sometimes that’s stressful, but alhamdulillah worth it
Hmm, okay.
“There will be no great conversations”– what a great line! i think the narrator did a great job of discerning the brother’s intention. Reality is not so simple and we often believe what we want to believe–like yeah, the brother is interested in Islam and not the narrator.
As Salaamu Alaikum,
No great conversations about Islam w/ Daud.
As salaamu’alaikum, Roberta
I really enjoyed reading this, barakAllaahufeek. I hope you plan to write novels
)
I liked how this highlighted the very real, natural human emotions of the heart, and at the same time allowed the spiritual pull to triumph over the nafs. Allah knows that’s not always (or ever) easy.
Even for readers, it’s difficult not to root for Fatima accepting the invitation (b/c we’re all human after all), but on a rational, Islamic level, what good would come from it? In most cases like these (in real life), once the thrill is gone, reality sets in and Fatima realizes what was already obvious: She and Dawud are two different people and she shouldn’t compromise her Islamic principles to follow her heart…which by nature is always changing in any case.
Excellent piece. I’d love to read more of your fiction.
your sister in Islam,
Umm Zakiyyah,
Author of the novels If I Should Speak, A Voice, Footsteps, and Realities of Submission
wa `aleykum selam wa rahmatullah! jazaki Allahu khayran Umm Zakiyyah, your words mean a lot to me
I really, really, really liked this Roberta
MashAllah, and I can honestly say I’ve been reading so much for the last few years – that rarely does something capture my attention from start to finish, so thank you for that!
Dawud actually sounds like a character from something I’m working on now – I’d love to talk to you more about your experience. Email me
Matters of the heart are one thing – but at the end of the day, we, as humans choose what we can or can’t do.
For women struggling with “oh, I think I’m in love, but he really isn’t the right type of guy for me, or he just doesn’t love me in the same way,” I think, and Allah SWT knows best, that they have to find a way to love themselves more – to respect their own “lines in the sand”. And there is power in that choice. And Roberta, you demonstrated that in a very real way!
And a woman who makes a choice like that is more likely to attract the right guy for her, one that respects and honors her.
I really liked this story. Her message? Subtle but loud and clear, all at the same time. AlhamduliLlah the male character heard it loud and clear…sometimes you get the ‘no doesn’t mean no’ types or ‘unless you’re upfront and brutal with it, I’m going to take what you say as a possible yes’ mentalities. I’d be interested to see how she would have dealt with that.
I love your writing and agree with Umm Zakiyyah – write a novel! We need more entertaining yet da’wahful, inspiring, meaningful works
I had to smile at this one….so true. We operate on a different playing field and need sisters to be up front so please pardon our shortcommings.
The girl brought it upon herself in the first place.
Omar, what difference does it make if she did?
Everyone is yelling, “Kudos to her” for doing something she was supposed to do anyway. It is not as if she did something extraordinary.
If anything, she lead him on.
Allahu `alam if something like that is extraordinary or not. But if you think about it, one thing leads to another and you never know which life decisions can lead you to jannah or al-nar. If this was real life, resisting such a sin carried the possibility of saving someone from the fire, putting them in paradise. We never know which of our deeds will do what for us, so I think it’s best not to belittle them; and Allah swt knows best. Plus, just because something is what you’re supposed to do does not mean that it doesn’t take, yes, extraordinary willpower to do the right thing. If not, all us Muslims would do the right thing all the time and life would be grand. But as we all know, it’s not that easy.
Jazaki Allahu khairan sister, for telling your story. I really loved the last line as well. Simple, yet powerful. Because when you give something up for the sake of Allah, it beats any pleasures of this life, and may Allah reward you for that. And inshaAllah, maybe with that single act, you gave a bit of da’wah to the brother, and hopefully helped him in his deen and become more active with the community.
MashaAllah I loved this! I thought it captured those emotions in such a great way. jazaaki Allahu khayran.
Maybe someone should share some tips for sisters to deal with these situations…it has happened to me before (by Muslim and Non Muslim men) and it’s just really hard to find a good answer because you’re in shock! May Allah protect us.
Assalamualaikum,
mashallah, really enjoyed reading that. More please!
Bismillah
I thought this was great
Human struggle is always there. And I would say that character represents what a lot of Muslims struggle with in that environment, period.
Nice work.. you have to keep going. Who WILL she marry! lol
Alhamdulilah, what a great, realistic story of the times and realities we live in! Everything is not in Black and white and women DO very much get to and often have to talk to men. It was a very up to date with the times example of how to back away before it’s to late with realistic and attention grabbing examples, style of writing, and realistic modern American College campus like setting. Very well job at writing this and having the guts to post it and gain so many blessing from Allah when all the butterfly in the tummy teenagers get read and benefit from it InshaAllah.
salaam alaikum (^.^) like this blog too masya Allah.. and i copy and paste the story if dont mind.. heres the link
http://blogs.muxlim.com/siecantik/no-love-lost-love-story/
mashaAllah really indicative of the reality for some muslimahs, in undergrad and even grad school. What’s sad is when your own friends don’t understand when you are trying to get out of these situations, and instead they make comments like “oh its only one time” or “oh it’ll be fun…and we never do anything fun.” Alhumdulillah reading articles like this gives me a boost of imaan.
JazakAllah khair!
Salaam ‘alaykum,
Oh wow, I feel protected, alhamdulillah for my high school years, lol. Thinking about it uni’s a struggle and yes it’s usually some wieerddd (I’m sure he’s nice!) brother, alhamdulillah for ISoc.
SubhanAllah, one thing it really shows it that one has the power to stop any interaction that can lead them to haraam.
Will share this with sisters in sha Allah!
Jazaakillahu khayrun sis.
I loved it, I totally understand it! Alhamdulillah.
Thanks for this piece, which to me is another great reminder…if it was told by an elderly, I would think they’re just nagging…but from a young lady, it defintely hit it!!