One-Room Falling-Down Fixer-Uppers.

I was recently visiting a friend who had another sister over at her place. This sister is a practicing revert maashaa’Allaah, and married with three kids. Her oldest child is 4 years old and the youngest is just a few months.

It turns out that, this sister was kicked out or as she put it, “shoo-ed out” by her husband who is a born-Muslim. What really sickened me about her story was how her husband would refer to her sarcastically as a “shaykha” every time she would pray. And subhaan’Allaah, the sad thing is that this sister’s story is just one amongst the many in our community, as I’m sure is true for Muslim communities elsewhere. I have seen and heard of numerous sisters fall prey to men who hide behind the facade of religiosity and end up causing crippling damage to both women and children and that damage is most of the time – irreparable.

While I was pondering over this particular sister’s story and others, I derived a few lessons from them:

1. We – sisters – need to be a lot wiser when choosing a husband. Falling head-over-heels for a man with empty promises maybe very alluring in the spur of the moment, but not so much when you have committed yourself to him. First things first, look at his deen. Is he practicing? Does he pray his salaah on time? Does he make an effort to pray in Jamaa`ah? Has he memorized Qur’aan? Does he make an effort to pray tahajjud? How is his `aqeedah? Does he keep his promises with friends, family, etc? Does he have a strong personality? Inquire about him. Doing that should not shame you because this will either salvage you or damn to you eternal hell-fire. All of these questions are very legit and will save you a whole lot of heartache. Be wise. Use your head and your heart (istishaarah & istikhaarah), instead of just following your whims.

One of the stories I absolutely love is that of Umm Sulaym bint Milhan and her marriage to Abu Talhah. Umm Sulaym was one of the great Sahabiyaat who were known for their far-sightedness and lofty ambitions. She had a son with Malik ibn Nadar who died as a disbeliever. Shortly after his death, Abu Talhah, one of the most wealthiest and attractive young men of Madeenah proposed to her for her hand in marriage. Knowing how many young women from Yathrib liked him, he thought Umm Sulaym would rush into accepting his proposal. Instead her response to him was: “O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-so.” He said, “Of course.” She said, “Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of Banu so-and-so?” Abu Talhah then offered her a handsome dowry but she said: “O Abu Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you were to embrace Islaam, that would be my dowry, and I would ask you for nothing more.” He came back the next day to tempt her with a larger dowry, but she remained persistent which further enhanced her beauty and maturity in his eyes. She said: “O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were to set it alight, it would burn.” Her words shocked Abu Talhah, and he asked himself, Does the Lord burn? And right then, he pronounced the shahaadah. Soon after, they were married by her son Anas.

2. Temper your expectations from men. They are afterall human and are bound to make mistakes. So make sure you don’t have too many (or any at all) expectations from them, rather hope for the best from Allaah alone. He is the only One who will never let you down. Men, on the other hand may turn out to be a huge disappointment.

3. I have recently noticed a trend of blithe indifference in advice from shuyookh and imaams in the West to Muslims when it comes to marriage and divorce issues. With all due respect to all of them, I find that they are very quick to judge, and indeed very quick to suggest divorce or simplify the issue by just “dropping it”. And often times when advice like this is given, somewhere somehow the honour of a Muslim woman is being ignored and lost. Muslim women are alot more precious than being subjected to quick fixes (divorces and such). They should not be cornered by the standard one line fatwas where they are given an “either or” option without delving into further details. I strongly believe that its crucial for an Imaam to look into the stories of both sides, to conduct research about both parties involved, familiarize themselves with the situation and then apply the Islaamic rulings. We deserve more than a mere “one-room falling-down fixer-upper” wouldn’t you concur?

4. There is a dire need for a support system for Muslim women (and men) with marital issues. By a support system, I mean having Muslim marriage counselors who would not only help married couples, but also single Muslim men and women who are about to embark on the (sometimes) long and not to forget arduous journey of marriage. The latter I feel is very important for several reasons. For one, talking over of issues with someone with in-depth knowledge of the deen and psychology helps iron them out. Sometimes when you are too deep in a situation, you need a third party to tell you right from wrong and to advise you what is best for you. Secondly, if these issues can be fixed before entering a marriage, it will prevent a lot of post-marriage stress. And most importantly, Muslims should be encouraged to speak to psychologists, imaams, counselors, whatever you want to name them, as long as they have firm understanding of the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

In conclusion, think, think, think about your situation, whether you are a spouse going through a rough patch or a single Muslim having a hard time taking that first step toward completing half of your deen. Do not be so weak to give up, rather look for solutions and do your hardest to find a way out. Just remember that making a decision can cause lasting damage to other lives involved.

Indeed as Allaah says in surah at-Talaaq:

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْراً

“And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.”

Photo courtsey: Flickr, d3 Dan