Needs Don’t Have Servants in this Castle

Part 6: Searching for Mr. Right

You could marry a prince, live in a nice castle and never have to lift your fingers again to wash a dish, but no matter how much money and maids and servants, there is one thing you must do alone: meet his needs.

Yes, his needs. Your man is looking forward to a wife who will take care of him and serve him. Sure sure…. He will never say that in the initial “interview” you will have together or in any of the follow up conversations. I can guarantee you though, that this is deep down one of their wishes. To have a wife who does the following:

- Looks pretty every day

- Makes good food

- Keeps the place organized and tidy

- Serves him without him asking

- Listens to him when he speaks intently

- Sits near him while he unwinds

- Accommodates him when he is tired/stressed/etc.

- Meets his needs for physical intimacy

It is a bonus that you are strong in your Deen, active in the community, and highly educated.

Is this ruffling any of your feathers? “Wait, did she say a bonus?”

When a woman is prized for her Deen, as the Prophet, salalahu alayhe wa sellum, said this is the best reason to marry a woman, do we imagine that this righteous Muslimah would NOT do all of the above in my list? Without that, though, most men, around the globe, still want (if not expect) that list to become a reality.

I understand that you have been raised to focus on education, and to think of marriage in terms of equality.

I realize what I am saying doesn’t sound all “progressive.”

And that is precisely why I am right.

Men, in general, are all similar in what they want in a wife. Regardless of the times, they haven’t changed much over the centuries. (and believe it or not, that goes for the western culture around us too!)

And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

The fairytale only focuses on the girl. It shows how she gets lifted onto the horse, danced with, sought after, and so forth. Regular Hollywood (and I would gather Bollywood too?) also has the theme of a man enamored with his love for a woman, and its “all about her.”

There the story stops, you walk away in dream land, wiping off the happy tears.

Can we now fast forward a bit?

Now, where is the part where we see her sacrificing for her husband?

It might be the day (or days!) he is stressed because his project at work isn’t going as planned and she has to stifle her small list of complaints for a few days.

Or maybe the night he wants her to stay up late to spend intimate time with him, even though she was planning on turning in early that night.

Her sacrifice may come in letting him make a decision she isn’t %100 about, but needs to respect his position as leader of the family.

Or maybe it is her actually focusing when he speaks about his last speed on his jog, patent at work, or vision for the economic future of China.

It’s not just about you. He has his own set of fantasies about what it means to have a wife, and what he will gain for his marriage to you. And no one can meet those needs, wants, or desires except you.

It is important to begin from now thinking about how you can and will, insha’Allah, contribute to the life of another human being, namely, your husband. It is wise to accept what is, and learn how to be flexible and compromise so you can be you, and also be who is dreaming about too.

The goals do not cancel each other out.

The sooner you allow yourself to have a heart that is focused on the happiness of someone else, the more likely it is that your husband may very well continue to sweep you off your feet!

I think many brothers are getting a bad rap these days because they still have “traditional” values (and no, I do not meet backwards cultural concepts) and want a solid family life. If you can stop being intimidated by their requests for a traditional wife, you may find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

That fairytale all begins with accepting that he has needs just like you, a vision and an idea of what makes him happy, and being willing to fill a different set of shoes.

And that is where adventure, love, and beautiful sunsets are really found. The art of compromise, selfless giving, and love that comes without strings attached.

We’ll begin that story, another day insha’Allah.

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

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