Why I don’t know how to be happy
March 5, 2009 by Guest Authors
Filed under Relationships
I close my eyes and I’m seven years old again. I’m hiding in the hallway afraid to be seen. I grit my teeth as I watch my mom being pushed into a closet door. I don’t remember what this argument was about but I do remember what it was about when I was sixteen and the one being pushed into the wall. I remember how we could have sat and talked about what was going on instead of using force and intimidation but of course talking things out was a foreign concept in my family.
I close my eyes again and this time I’m 10. I’m being told I can never go to my best friend’s house again because I was late this once. It wasn’t just a threat or a way to make sure I didn’t keep him waiting in the car for me again, it was what really ended up happening. Years passed and we drifted apart. Every time I got close to someone he made sure to find a way to drive us apart. Eventually I gave up and forgot how to make friends.
I close my eyes one last time and I see myself at age 5. My mom took me out for ice cream and tried to explain to me why we would be moving away by ourselves. I remember clearly the words I told her. I remember them because I later came to regret them (and still do till this day). I said, “No mama, please don’t do that. I like having a dad and having a complete family.” At that age all I knew was I wanted my family to stay together. I didn’t care that he was mean to us. I didn’t understand the repercussions of my words. Now I do.
Now I am married and have a daughter of my own. I’m married to a man who only lays a hand on me to hold me close and comfort me. I’m married to a man who never raises his voice louder than mine. I’m married to a man who encourages me to have a good time and make friends. I have the life I used to lay in bed under the covers and dream of, but I find it so difficult to be happy.
Every day I am reminded of my past. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart beating a mile a minute and I swear I can hear the arguing even though there is not a sound to be heard. I test my husband and try to push him to his limits because to me he’s too good to be true; I can’t accept that he’s a good guy and instead make myself believe it’s just the calm before the storm. As hard as I try I can’t make friends because in a way I’m socially stunted the last time I had a good friend in the same city I lived in I was 12.
I’m not writing this article to complain or to gain sympathy, I have nothing to complain about. Allah (swt) has blessed me with a life that I do not deserve. I am writing this article because this is a topic that is usually shied away from. We need to spread awareness about these types of problems and let those who are dealing with know that they are not alone. So many people overlook the amount of abuse that happens in Muslim communities. They accept it as part of culture. Many feel that if the women is doing her duties she wouldn’t be abused. Others feel that it’s what she has to put up with in order to keep her family name clean and untarnished. Very few people take into account the long term effects that this kind of lifestyle can have on not just the spouse but more importantly the children.
The first step to help solving a problem is to acknowledge it exists. Before we can help ourselves and others we have to admit that this is not a healthy way to live. We have to break free from the stereotype that a women only has worth when she is married and having a kid every year. The next step is to educate our communities about the problems we face and the things we can do to correct it. Abuse will always be there but with awareness, education, and programs to help those who face/have faced it, inshaAllah the numbers will go down.
I end off with a list of ideas that can be implemented in our communities. Please do share any more that come to mind.:
1. Offer confidential counseling at masjid weekend schools. Many children are afraid to open up to their friends because they are afraid word might get out and their family will be exposed. They are also afraid to talk to counselors at school for fear of being placed in foster care. I think every masjid should have someone on hand during weekend school hours that the kids know they can go to and speak to about anything and trust that it will be kept confidential.
2. Hold classes for the women at the masjid explaining their rights to them, whether they are immigrants or citizens they are not helpless.
3. Establish and support Women’s Shelters for Muslim women in your community. Hold day care there for women who have to work, keep it stocked with food in case there are families in need. Try to gather a weekly list of job openings that would be suitable for Muslim women and post it up every week.
4. Encourage your Imam to provide pre-marriage counseling for couples and encourage them to discuss their upbringings prior to marriage because it will effect ones marriage.
5. Encourage your khateeb to talk about family relations during the Friday Khutbah. Have them start a weekly class about the rights of your family on you (both the wife’s rights and the husband’s).
Author: Anonymous
Photo Courtsey: Niffty’s Flickr
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...
Loading ...
Hey Salaam,
thanks for writing this, Im positive it took a lot of courage. May Allah give you peace.
There is something that you said, which hit a cord with me. I’m getting married in a few months, and this article just made me realize how much further I need to evolve in order to be ready for marriage, but more importantly to be someone who is spoken about like you speak about your husband.
I will be the first to admit, my upbringing and my mentality are hot tempered. I would never hit someone, but I when I get ticked off my voice gets loud and I’m not a pleasant person. It is not often that I get annoyed, but it does happen every couple of weeks or so. She knows this, and she still wants to marry me. Ya Allah, I am blessed.
I’ve really been trying my best to not lose my temper and I find the more regular my salah, the greater the patience I have, so I’m trying my best to keep them both in check. And I know even now, I have the ability to get annoyed quickly. I’m trying to work on it for sure, but this article really makes me jealous, because I want my wife to be able to speak of me like you speak of your husband. I would love to be able to not lose my temper, because I too want my wife to think she can do completely as she pleases and I will remain the rock in our relationship, so I’ll just have to work harder.
Thanks for the reminder. Im gonna do better InshAllah.
it’s also important to note that not all abuse is physical…not all abuse leaves visible marks…
mental/emotional abuse is also a great problem…
may Allah help all of those in these situations and make a way out for them. Allahumma Ameen.
Jazakillah khair for the enlightening article.
The article is wonderfully written.There are countless times I’ve heard women say that women are born to suffer and fate is never good to them.If there’s anything good then it never lasts.Hope things will change for the better,inshallah!
Peace,
This was beautifully written. May God bless you for your courage and speaking the Truth that so desperately needs to be said.
MANA has a program called “Sakinah: The Healthy Marriage Initiative” that is calling for masjids to provide at least 3 sessions of pre-marital counseling together, as well as providing training for marriage for all community members. The idea is that we spend years training for a career, but little to no time preparing for marriage. MANA wants to change that. Check out their website for more information. Their program was mentioned in the open letter that ISNA sent out to community leadership after Aasiya Hassan’s beheading.
Some Muslim social service groups in our local community want to approach the masjids with the idea of having brothers sign payment agreements for the dowry and even spousal support if the marriage dissolves, God-willing, at the masjid. We feel like signing payment arrangements in the masjid in front of an imam will help brothers realize that this is a right the woman has from God, and is to be taken seriously.
Ideally, we would like to have a database between masjids so that if a brother is divorced because of abuse, he would not be able to get married again until he has rehabilitated. We realize that we are a long way away from that- but every idea starts with people clearing the psychological room for it. We need to take this issue seriously, as God will surely ask us about it on Judgment Day.
Women were NOT made to suffer. They were made to worship God, just as men were. The Qur’an tells us that if a woman FEARS cruelty or desertion she can divorce- so the idea that she would ENDURE cruelty or desertion is absurd.
God will not change our situation until we change ourselves, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that it is in the area of marriage and treatment of women that we need to make those changes the most.
How can we have justice in society if we don’t have justice in our homes?
Masha’Allah sister, jazaki Allahu khyran for the great reminder. May Allah (swt) reward you for being patient and may He blesses ALL the sisters with husbands, whom they can describe the way you described yours…ameen.
Sister, may Allah bless you for sharing this painful part of yourself with us and for the discussion it has generated. If you only reach one person and help that person change their ways then you have acquired a great Ajir with Allah.
Um-eesa brings up a great point about emotional abuse. Many think that abuse is physical when the most prevalent is the emotional abuse, the insults the reprimands that make one feel very small and insignificant.
La Ilaha Ila Allah – Inahu Yahdi Man Yashaa.
beautiful!! i really loved it!!!
thanks!
As’salaam Walaikum,
jazak’allah for sharing… ur words echo the thoughts in my mind and my life story.. “ur not alone” it’s always nice to hear and read..jazak’allah
Ws.