My Sanctuary
March 16, 2009 by Guest Authors
Filed under Spirituality
I haven’t done this for a very long time. Write. Pour my thoughts on paper. Let it all out. I’m not going to either. I don’t ever want to go beneath what’s on the surface again. Nothing deep. I can’t go deep. That would result in more pain, as we all face disappointment when we share the deep stuff, yet don’t receive the comfort or support sought.
Everyone on this earth needs someone to depend on, to rely on for help, advice, or support. Even the strongest individuals need to turn to someone, seeking comfort. Some find comfort in this, others in that. However when we look close enough, the only real comfort we can ever achieve is when we turn to Allah subhanahu wata’ala, in worshipping him and seeking help from him. I’ve never had an experience where speaking to Allah has not given my heart rest, unlike the few incidents in my life when I’ve forgotten (as do all the children of Adam a.s.) and made the mistake of turning to those who I think can bring me comfort; friends or family.
I don’t wish to sound like a cynic, (although at times it may seem like I am) but the truth of the matter is that people will always disappoint you. Always. Why is that? The answer is simple: we expect too much from people. We expect them to know what we’re going through without us telling them what happened. We expect them to know how we feel without expressing our feelings. We expect them to know what to do when we ourselves don’t know what we want them to do!
Knowing all this, why do we keep turning to people for comfort? Why is that after recognizing this, the next time you or I have a problem, chances are we’ll make the same mistake as we have in the past. The answer for this is even simpler; it’s our lack of iman. Our faith in our Creator is missing a big component: tawakkul. We forget that everything is in the hands of Allah.
Remember the hadith of the Prophet SAW: On the authority of Abdullah bin Abbas, who said: One day I was behind the prophet and he said to me: “Young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice] : Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of Allah; if you seek help, seek help of Allah. Know that if the Nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that Allah had already prescribed for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”
We face disappointment in our lives ONLY because we forget the fact that whatever has occurred is from the will of Allah and ONLY he can change it. So why don’t we ask of him? Yes, it is true that we may find that others can help us, but they are only the means of support, whereas Allah is the support.
So let’s re-evaluate our level of iman. How much tawakkul do we have in Allah? How much trust have we placed in him with our affairs?
“Allah alone has the knowledge of what is hidden in the heavens and the earth, and everything shall ultimately return to Him for decision. Therefore, worship Him and put your trust in Him, and your Rabb is not unmindful of what you do” [11:123]
I swear by Allah, if we worship him and trust in Him, we will never experience any sorrow or grief in this dunya.
Author: Anonymous.
Photo Courtesy: Stuck in Customs
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The root word for human being (in Arabic) is someone who needs intimacy – if you give up on ever finding true, fulfilling intimacy, you have given up on your true nature as a human being, i.e., the challenge, the “test” of life, which is, ultimately, the challenge of “iman”. The Quran says, “Allah comes between a man and his desire” – in other words, the path to your needs is through turning to Allah: depending on Allah, trusting in Allah to answer your prayers about your efforts to get your essential emotional and bodily needs meet. To deny your need for intimacy with another human being is to deny your essence, i.e., the emotional and physical manifestation of the physical reality of your creation, i.e., from the rib of a man – emotionally and physically needing to be at one with a man to be whole and fulfilled – intimacy. Now, I grant you, men in today’s degenerate world are for the most part emotionally illiterate and blinded by their sexual drives all in the same breathe, however, that does not change your emotional make up or theirs. Shaitan has brought us (the modern world and definitely America) down by destroying the head of the body, no doubt. But the solution to this problem is not to deny your essential nature/need for intimacy. That is a stop-gap to keep you from going crazy in the mean time. The solution is to insist, by the Power and Strength of Allah, that men become “Men” by risking intimacy – learning that emotional interaction is “life” and not to fear it in preference for a sick power-play. Women, on the other hand, need to realize that it is not about power either (power and strength is only in Allah), nor is it about who does the dishes and diapers; it is about sharing emotional realities so we can grow – and grow together., but that is a whole other blog.
One last proof on the side of the necessity to pass the test of intimacy: the hadith says that faith is half our religion and our marriage is the other half.
One last proof on the side of the necessity to pass the test of intimacy: the hadith says that faith is half our religion and marriage is the other half. That said, it takes two to tango. So, granted, you cannot do it alone and if men are unwilling to be intimate, or to even consider it, you (we) may have to wait until we meet our Lord and get our Reward in The Next Life to know the beauty of that feeling – I will grant you that much. However, what I won’t grant you is that you should give up on it – that to me is where the problem lies in your statement – that is a breach of the trust and test of life. Inshallah – and Allah Knows Best and I am just searching too and am open to criticism too (contructive criticism, that is, Inshallah).
‘Now, I grant you, men in today’s degenerate world are for the most part emotionally illiterate and blinded by their sexual drives’
And women are, almost entirely, utterly selfish and ungrateful.
Out of men and women, especially in ‘today’s degenerate world’, it is women who are more neglectful of the rights of men than vice versa. And this is a trans-historical truth; it is true of women of all ages. How many men neglect the obligation of financial support for their wives? A tiny minority. And how many women neglect the right of their husbands to intimacy? Every woman who has ever existed. And yet, it is nushuz.
Women are so continually blinded by their own desires that they forget those of their husband’s.
Ha. Some people have the audacity to talk about neglect when they cultivate it.
“Out of men and women, especially in ‘today’s degenerate world’, it is women who are more neglectful of the rights of men than vice versa. And this is a trans-historical truth; it is true of women of all ages. How many men neglect the obligation of financial support for their wives? A tiny minority. And how many women neglect the right of their husbands to intimacy? Every woman who has ever existed. And yet, it is nushuz.”
What really surprises me is how you speak so ignorantly. “Trans-historical truth” lol. Provide me with proof of your statement above.
“Speaking of the neglect of marital obligations- how would a woman feel if her husband ‘wasn’t in the mood’ to pay the rent that month?”
Well if ‘wasn’t in the mood’ to pay the rent, they will BOTH be kicked out to live on the street. An honourable man would never do that to himself or his wife. An honourable woman will make sure her husband’s needs are met. Will the husband die if the wife ‘wasn’t in the mood’ to sleep with him for a night? Despite both being obligations of either parties, there’s a huge difference between the two.
“Will the husband die if the wife ‘wasn’t in the mood’ to sleep with him for a night?”
No. Just dont be pissed if he goes elsewhere to get it on.
You just proved Nasira’s point Omar. Some men are *blinded* by their sexual drive.
So now it is a crime to have too much libido.
Well, I know for one that ingratitude is not a man’s sin.
And a family aren’t evicted if they miss the rent by a few days, just as their home isn’t re-possessed the second they miss a repayment. And if they were kicked out they wouldn’t starve.
It won’t kill you (or him) if the rent isn’t paid. And seeing as the purpose of marriage is to keep someone away from zina- her refusal sort of defeats its purpose.
‘How many men neglect the obligation of financial support for their wives? A tiny minority. And how many women neglect the right of their husbands to intimacy?’
lol, It’s ironic, isn’t it?
If a minority of people neglect something it becomes an ‘issue’; once a majority neglect it, it loses its prestige.
Speaking of the neglect of marital obligations- how would a woman feel if her husband ‘wasn’t in the mood’ to pay the rent that month?
Would she be understanding and forgive her spouse even though she is entitled to have rent payed? No, of course not. Because women are hypocrites. All the hosts of heaven must spend the night cursing them. What an unenviable position to be in.
I’m not sure on what basis you say that a majority of women neglect their husbands needs. That is something that can be a one time thing…or a percentage of the time. Whereas the neglect of financial support from the husband is often complete and total…big difference there buddy.
On the basis that RasulAllah (salAllahu `alayhi wa sallam) singled it out as an issue and warned women about it, and the fact that so many women object to his treatment of the subject- thereby proving that it *is* an issue.
My comment is not that it is a baseless issue but rather that is an unfair comparison of the two problems.
WM, correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that you’re equating the sexual needs of the husband to the financial support needs of the wife.
The two are not the same, and are not equal, and cannot be compared. Both husband and wife have companionship and physical intimacy needs, and should be compared accordingly.
I agree entirely — sexual and financial needs are definitely not the same thing.
Sure those two examples may be different, but WM was trying to prove a point – a valid point.
I agree with WM.
‘WM, correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that you’re equating the sexual needs of the husband to the financial support needs of the wife.’
There is no need to correct you. Legally speaking, a wife is entitled to her husband’s financial support in the same way that a husband is entitled to the other thing. Both are legal and moral obligations, neglect of which is sinful (a wife who refuses her husband without vald excuse, even once, is a nashiza, likewise a husband who does not financially support his wife loses his entitlement to certain rights).
‘Both husband and wife have companionship and physical intimacy needs, and should be compared accordingly.’
Not sure, but this has nothing to do with financial support.
WM salams
The two are not equal, that’s what I’m trying to point out. It’s apples and oranges.
A woman is not entitled to her husband’s financial support just the same way he is entitled to sexual relations. If the two were equal, then there would be equal or similar importance placed upon both obligations, and similar discouragement or equal disapproval voiced in the case of non-compliance.
However, that is not the case.
True. I’ve never heard that angels curse the man who refuses to pay rent, though it is a sin no doubt.
“…men in today’s degenerate world are for the most part emotionally illiterate and blinded by their sexual drives all in the same breathe…”
Many men purposely become emotionally illiterate as a result of the constant bitching by (many) women.
Why is anything that concerns a women considered bitching at her husband? Part of being a good husband must also be communicating with her effectively…its not simply a husband wife thing, but human skills.
Same reason why a man is considered a blind horndog because of his sex drive.
seems like someone has never seen shades of grey before. =/
I understood the point of this article not to be about husband/wife relationships, but rather a reminder that we humans- all of us- are in need of comfort, strength and support throughout different points in our lives, and who is the one to most turn to and depend on but Allah? Too often we expect our friends and family to do what only Allah can do. Quite often, when we turn to Allah first, he then uses our loved ones and circumstances to provide us the stength and comfort that we need.
I think it is very important especially after being educated in this country to not make generalizations about men and women. Firstly, it is not always women who neglect the sexual needs of their husbands. There are many cases where men do not sleep with their wives because they have lost interest, and become attracted to other women. There are also men who do not sleep with their wives because of physical reasons. For example, there was a commercial aired on TV about the decrease in mans sexual desire due to stress. It is true that men work to provide for their wives, and this may cause them to become less sexually active. Furthermore, we live in a society where one income does not provide for basic needs. Most couples these days have the man and women working to support their family. The last point I would like to make is that there are many women who I have personally seen supporting their husbands. However I will not call these men hypocrites because both men and women neglect responsibilities, not just women. Allah loves women and men in the same way, and did not create one inferior to the other. If someone neglects a responsibility that Allah has commanded upon them, then that is between them and Allah. But Allah did not create all women as Hypocrites and we should be careful when referring to Allah’s beloved creation.
Are men blinded by their desire? More importantly, if they are, is that a bad thing?
According to authentic reports, Sayyidna Muhammad (salAllahu` alayhi wa sallam) used to visit each of his wives in turn, and the sahaba proudly tell us that he had ‘the strength of ten men’. Sayyidna Muhammad (salAllahu `alayhi wa sallam) was a prodigiously virile man. There is nothing wrong with a man’s desire- in fact, as the sahaba would have told us, its strength is a sign of bodily vigour, manliness and strength. The sahaba valourised it- I’ve no doubt about that. So before you criticise, ignorantly, remember who your Prophet (salAllahu `alayhi wa sallam) was, and whether your criticism couldn’t be applied to him- w’al-`iyathu b’illah.
And that isn’t even to mention Sulayman (`alayhi’s salam), with his numerous wives and concubines. If you have a problem with the way Allah created men- then don’t blame men.
WM, seems like women just want something to complain about. It’s always something.
They’re just using sex has a scapegoat.
I blame this on that Oreo, Oprah.
I don’t know.
What do you mean by Oreo?
Oreo refers to someone who is half black half white.lol Interracial couple have oreo children.
Oreo is one who is black on the outside, but white on the inside.
Oh I’m aware of what the term means, but was wondering how you meant it specifically, Omar. Are you just determined to add racism to your already sexist comments? It’s just too bad if Oprah doesn’t fit up to your idea of what a black person should be. Who are you to make that judgment call?
That’s a kind of cookie, isn’t it?
We need to fear Allah in what we say about women. And if you’re not even married then you’re opinion as is the one who take’s ahadith from books and not from scholars. This was never accepted in the past and I don’t think calling women hypocrites, auoothobillah, or stereotyping our pious sisters by the actions of disbelieving women is any more acceptable in our dene. The speech of the Prophet sallahl alayhe wa salaam and the Sahabah ridwan alyahim was not controlled by their sexual desires. This is a disease that has spread in our time and in our locality because of the despicable things we see on tv, the internet, movies, etc. But do we avoid it…?
If a man asked his wife to bear with him while he was failing to provide financial support his wife could do so and even help him. If a women was to ask her husband to bear with her because perhaps she couldn’t bring herself to intimacy would the husband then not do so as well? If women are approached in the same way they are being spoken to on this forum do we think that for a second she’s is going to be inclined to intimacy? Is not part of the blame on the man? Will the angels curse the women who is verbally insulted by her husband and then reluctant to be intimate with him, the one who may very well be staring at that nonbelieving women who do not cover, who flirt with them at work, who watch sitcoms at night with fornication, adultry and the treatment of women like chattle? Furthermore, if it’s a man’s right for his wife to receive him, is it not also her right that he approaches her in the right way?
Well said justme jazakallah khair.
“If a women was to ask her husband to bear with her because perhaps she couldn’t bring herself to intimacy would the husband then not do so as well?”
Of course he should do that! That is part of being a good husband- to put up with the faults of one’s wife, to be kind to her, to understand her needs- and so on. And the same is true of the husband not being able to make the rent for a particular month. The point is that neither party is legally obligated to put up with such behaviour- but that they should, anyway, to please Allah. Think of it as a kind of nafil.
I think that the problem is people (here) don’t understand the issues involved, or what is at stake in these discussions. I highly recommend Kecia Ali’s ‘Islam & Sexual Ethics’, not so much for the doctrinally-dubious conclusions of the author as for the various accounts provided of the different views out there.
If you don’t understand the obligation of sexual intimacy in the part of a wife- its history, the various views regarding it- than there is little point in talking. If you aren’t aware of concubinage- again, little point here. Or of ‘nafaqa’ and what it entails- again, no point.
I did like your article…it’s down to earth, alhamdulillah.
I’d appreciate an article on your source website in regards to the following quote. I don’t know if I agree, but I wanted to see what a bunch of sisters had to say…
“Unfortunately muslim women are so influenced by western concepts on the “ideal man” that they forego piety and concentrate on the external factors. With more and more women involved in “careers” the men they come into contact tend to be more inclined towards secular views or even non muslim men. These women see these men as those that are more “compatible” for them at the expense of the most important issue; the completion of their Deen. It’s an oxymoron when these women will say they are looking to complete half their Deen yet entertain the idea of a “moderate” or even irreligious spouse. In the end, they either compromise their beliefs which is dangerous or just end up not getting married which is a shame.”
Salams,
I agree with ‘Someone’. Many of the reasons she cited could be why the man does not want to be intimate.
But what if the woman has needs and the husband does not fulfill them. what can she do? Say if there have been no intimate relations for 3 years, how does she cope?
How much patience is she required to have? It is so difficult.
People…I dont think the article was pin-pointed toward any gender as it is not a gender-biased topic the author was discussing. A beautifully written article. Making generalizations about all women or men is not the way…especially those individuals of your own Muslim ummah. Of course the ideas and opinions expressed on this form are a healthy way of discussion and communication but demeaning ur muslim sisters or brothers is no way. The Holy Prophet SAW was gentle in his manner with the women and his humbleness and piety knew no bounds when it came to the women, and not only to the women of his household. So by disregarding the believing women and stereotyping them…you are disregarding your mothers who bear you, your wives, your sisters, and other honorable sisters of your own ummah. Do not judge all women as being the same, and vice versa it implies for the sisters as well regarding their fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, and other pious men of their ummah. Nice article about human beings in general and the persisting need to turn toward Allah (swt)