As I rip out the butterfly wall paper I had so painstakingly installed 7 years ago and roll on the hot pink paint she picked for her bedroom wall, I want to hold on to her tight but she has started her journey to womanhood and all I can do is pray for her & guide her to the best of my ability. She has outgrown Gymboree but Justice is too ‘tween’ for her. My baby can barely make her bed, how will she handle adolescence? It is natural, I know but I want her to stay a child for a little bit longer. Puberty is a confusing and emotional time for young girls. Their bodies are changing; their emotions are raw and magnified. Having taught this workshop in our masjid for youth girls and for two years at my home, this is the first year my 9-year-old will participant. I think she is ready.

My cousin wonders why she needs to learn so early about puberty esp. since she may not get her period until 11-12. There are a myriad of reasons why this channel of communication need to be opened: because girls are maturing earlier every decade, because we live in a world of texting & You tube, because they will hear about it somewhere; at school, at your friend’s dinner party or from an older, ‘wiser’ neighborhood teenager. She may hear nonsense and take it for fact.

If you google muslim-puberty-girls, there is a dearth of any usable literature or practical advice. All that shows up are X rated websites with a few Islamic fatwas sites scattered in between. I did find one Yahoo group where young Muslimahs were desperately begging each other for info about how to clean themselves, wondering whether they should they pray or not. The poor women who answered their post had her facts wrong and kept hinting at ’secrets’ after they get married. That’s not what I want for my daughters. Instead of hearing snatches of conversation that confuses them even more, wouldn’t it be better to hear it from the woman whose womb bore them or an understanding teacher who can answer their what, when and whys.

Muslim girls need guidance and knowledge at this time. But this knowledge needs to stay in the confines of hayya-modesty. They need to understand these changes are from Allah (SWT) and with them come a great responsibility; they are now adults in front of God. In most American public schools, parents are given a choice of showing their girls a video about puberty. Many Muslim parents opt out of this program for good reason as the videos shown are ‘very graphic’ albeit in cartoon form and discuss how you get pregnant -you can read ‘Just around the corner’ movie reviews by moms and decide for yourself. Even if some Muslim parents discuss puberty, they do not explain the Islamic responsibilities that arrive after this stage in life.

I remember reading about ‘it’ in Judy Blume’s young adult novel ’Are you there, God? It’s me Margaret’ but never connected the dots that this will happen to me as well. When I finally reached puberty over summer vacation while visiting my Nani, I remember my aunts making kheer- rice pudding and congratulating me, grown women giggling away but no one ever told me what was going on. I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong, evil. In Muslim countries, many terrified girls look at soiled undergarments and wonder if they are dying because they are clueless. Often it is taboo to talk about what is happening to them. Between these two extremes lies Islam’s golden, middle way.

Advice to moms:

It’s awkward for mothers to talk about this subject as well, so I designed this info in a class format with handouts for the girls- so a mother can talk to her daughter or a teacher can address her class and explain puberty in terms that even a 5th grader can understand.

After talking to many young Muslimahs and their moms, here are some practical suggestions I have for moms: Inculcate the habit of wearing a camisole around at 8 years, this will help her get used to wearing something under her clothes. When you do purchase her first bras, make a date and take just her to the store. Please buy her a small, separate trashcan as well (or reuse you diaper genie) so she can throw away the used pads appropriately. Show her a private place where she can stash her pantiliners and pads away from the inquiring eyes of younger siblings. At this point in life, young girls can be gifted their own Masallah (Janamaz), their own copy of the Quran & a tasbih, it makes them feel more responsible for their ibadah. She may want to sleep longer, so adjust her schedules. She may get moody; talk her through her feelings, as they are just a scared of their mood swings as you are.

You can give her this information in one formal class or a series of discussions, as you know your daughter’s learning style. Invite her friends, bake some brownies – make it mother-daughter time. Let them get their giggles out at the beginning- it soothes them and helps them when they see that all the girls are going through the same thing. I usually show the girls maxi pads, panty liners, and give them calendars to start their habit of marking their haidh-period. Another cute thing I hand out is a card that reads ‘Allah has chosen today to make me a young woman’. They can give this to their moms to let them know the day they get them-if they are too shy. I find it easier to show them an anatomical diagram of the uterus and use scientific terms of the body parts, without going into too much detail. Please feel free to use the information below, just remember to give credit and make dua for me.

Circle of Life: Start with a discussion on how it all begins and ends with Allah- our creator

· Allah created the first human being Adam (AS) from dust

· Allah creates every baby in their mother’s womb- It is related from Anas ibn Malik that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Allah the Mighty and Majestic appoints an angel to every womb who says, ‘O Lord! A drop! O Lord A clot! O Lord! A lump of flesh! ‘Then if He desires to complete His creation, He does so and the angel asks, ‘Is it to be male or female? Wretched or happy? What is its provision? What is its life-span?’ This is all decreed in the mother’s womb.”

· The baby develops from one stage to the other until it reaches full term. In Chapter 40 verse 67 of the Quran Allah tells us: It is He who has created you from dust, then from a drop of seed, then from a clot; Then He brings you forth as a child, then ordains that you reach the age of full strength and afterward that you become old-though some among you die before- and that you reach an appointed term, in order that you may understand.

· By Allah’s will the baby is born and progresses through life from one stage to another

· Until her time on Earth is complete and she returns to her Creator

What is it? Adolescence- balughat is a stage of development when your body goes thru changes at a fast rate under the effect of hormones produced in the body by the will of Allah Taa’la,

· Every baby girl is born with two ovaries

· and a uterus- a muscle the size of your fist where a baby can grow

· Allah produces hormones called estrogen and progesterone in your body

Changes in body will include:

· Hair grows underarms and in the private area- Muslims should clean these areas at least every 40 days- wax, cream or even shave.

· Sweat glands develop- Take regular showers as body odor tends to increase at this age

· The chest starts growing so it can produce milk when you get married and have a child

· The ovaries release an ovum (egg) every month

· The uterus prepares a thin layer of tissue to receive the ovum

· Upon puberty, the uterus shed this thin layer of tissue every month and it discharged from the body. This is your monthly period or menstruation.

Why do we get it? Little girls are starting to become women- the process takes several years but you have to learn to carry yourself like a Muslim woman. Over time your body matures so that one day it will be ready to be a mother when you get married. A healthy, able body is a trust from Allah. Allah made it, so He knows best how to take care of it and he tells us how through the Quran and Sunnah- by doing halaal and staying away from haraam. ‘This is something that Allah has decreed for the daughters of Adam.” Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said. Unlike Judaism, Hinduism or Christianity, Islam does not view your period as a curse. Our faith does not teach any connection between mentruation and Eve or the first sin- Islam does not preach that women are the source of evil. We believe that Hazrat Adam and Bibi Hawwa made the choice to disobey Allah together.

When will I get it? In Islam puberty cannot begin before the age of nine. If you do not menstruate by the age of fifteen (Islāmic years), you will have reached the age of puberty. A girl’s first period usually begins between the ages of 9 and 16. The average age is 12.5 years. Your best friend and you will probably not get it the same day or even the same year. Relax!!! as long as you are eating healthy, sleeping enough hours you have nothing to worry about. It is a special time chosen by Allah and it will happen when your body is ready of it.

Some signs that your body is getting ready:

· Developing Breasts. First, you’ll get breast “buds”. (Your breasts then can take up to 3-4 years to fully develop.) Generally you will get your period 2-3 years after your breasts start developing. The average age for breast buds is 10.5 years

· Growing Pubic Hair. Right after your breasts start to form, you’ll start developing pubic hair. It will be soft and thin at first, and then gradually become coarser. Your period usually arrives around 1-2 years after the hair development.

· Discharge. This is the big sign. You’ll start to experience vaginal discharge that will be either white or yellowish. If you like, you may want to start using pantiliners to protect your underwear. This is from Sunnah, the women of Madinah used to wear a piece of cotton wool (karsoof). Your period could start around 6-18 months after the start of discharge. A girl’s first few periods are usually light. You will lose about two to five tablespoons of blood over a period of two to eight days

There’s one more way to figure out when you’ll start menstruating: Ask your mom. You’ll probably get your period within a year or so of when she got hers.

Now I have it what should I do?

· Use a pad to wear with your underwear. Change the pad as often as you need to stay dry and comfortable. Keep some underwear exclusively for use during these days.

· When you get it you may get cramps- which is because your uterus is contracting- use a hot water bottle, exercise, drink hot tea and cuddle with your mom. If it really hurts ask your doctor if it is OK to take pain medication.

· It is perfectly normal not to have a regular pattern or habit the first few months or even few years. Start keeping a calendar and keep track of your habit, lots of rules depend on this.

· Make sure you wrap your used pad and throw it in garbage. It is really bad manners to leave them in plain sight. Do not flush down the toilet. You are not a little kid anymore; behave like a proud, clean Muslimah!

· During period you are excused from salah. This is a gift from Allah (SWT), as he knows how much a woman is suffering. Do not cut all connection with Allah. Do make wudu, sit and make zikr, duas, read duroood etc. so you don’t loose the habit of praying 5 times. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “… a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses” (Sahih Muslim). You don’t have to make up the Salah
However; the menstruating woman must make up the missed days after Ramadan. Aishah (RA) said: “When we would have our menses during the lifetime of the Prophet, we were ordered to make up the days of fasting that we had missed but were not ordered to make up the prayers that we had missed.”(Sahih Al-Bukhari)

· After you are sure the bleeding has stopped than make ghusl*(a handout on how to take this ritual bath is included). Women used to send ‘A’isha (RA) little boxes containing pieces of cotton cloth which still showed some yellowness. ‘A’isha would say, “Do not rush [to do ghusl] until you see white cotton,” meaning by that purity from menstruation.’After you are sure that all discharged has changed to white then you are ready to make ghusl and get back to praying five times a day. “When we purified ourselves by doing ghusl after menstruation, we were allowed a small amount of light perfume.”

· Every religion has a corner stone the cornerstone of is Islam is HAYAA- modesty. We should try to act on this principle in every action of our lives. Don’t discuss your period around boys, men and younger sisters.

· Most importantly the pen has started flowing, every action is recorded now. You are responsible for your salah, your fasting in Ramadan is compulsory, hijab becomes fardh. Congratulations!

FIQHI ISSUES: I am not an a’lema, please always refer to a scholar for detailed questions on menstruation. However there are some basic fiqh questions that every Muslimah should learn and can be discussed in follow up sessions. The following are according to the Hanafi/Shafaee madhab and have been reviewed by Muftl Ibrahim Qureishi.

According to Imam Abu Hanifa (RA)- the maximum period a woman menstruates or has haidh is 10 days-after ten days it is called istehadha. The minimum amount of time between two periods is 15 days, if you start bleeding before the fifteen days then it is also istehadha. In istehadha a young woman has to pray regularly- just change your pad, clean your private parts and make fresh wudu before each salaat.

Purity is islam is of two types HOOKMI (ritual)and HAQEEQI(real).

So you may be bleeding but still not be impure or you may not be bleeding but you could be impure. For example: bleeding stops after two days and resumes on fourth day so you weren’t bleeding on day 3 but you were impure. In istehadha, you are bleeding but are pure.

ISSUE 1
If a young girl experiences bleeding for the first time, then it should be observed whether it continues for three days and three nights (seventy-two hours). {According to Imâm Shafi’î R.A. for twenty-four hours.} If it does, then it is menstruation.

ISSUE 2
If bleeding continues for more than three days and three nights and stops at any time within ten days and ten nights, then all of it would be menstruation, similarly all of it would be menstruation if bleeding continued for full ten days (two hundred and forty hours). {Fifteen days and fifteen nights according to Imâm Shafi’î R.A.}

ISSUE 3
If bleeding continued for full ten days and ten nights {Fifteen days and fifteen nights according to Imâm Shafi’î R.A.} then the ten days and ten nights will be menstruation and the bleeding beyond it is chronic discharge (istihadha).

Since any bleeding beyond ten full days is chronic discharge (istihadha). She should take a bath after ten days and start her prayer.

But if a woman is a mo’tâda [one who has a normal set menstruation period] and bleeding continues beyond her habit, then it should be seen, if it stops within ten days, all of it is menstruation and if it continues after ten days, then only the days of her habit would be regarded as menstruation and the days after that is chronic discharge (istihadha).

Therefore, she should perform make-up prayer for the days beyond her habit. If she has a habit of seven days and she bled for twelve days then only seven days would be menstruation and the rest chronic discharge (istihada). But if she bled for nine or ten days only then all of it is menstruation.

ISSUE 4
If a mubtadeah keeps bleeding continuously for a few months, then in every month ten days from the day when bleeding started, these are of menstruation and the remaining nineteen to twenty days are of chronic discharge (istihada) e.g. if bleeding started on the fifth of a particular month, the days between the fifth and the fifteenth of every month are of menstruation and from the fifteenth to the fifth of the next month are days of chronic discharge (istihada). Note: only Islamic (lunar calendar) must be used regarding Islamic matters.

ISSUE 5
If a woman notices blood for three full days and three nights or more, or any number of days up to ten days and ten nights and then remains clean for full fifteen days or more, and again sees blood for three or more days then both bleedings are called menstruation and the days in between are regarded as a period of purity.

ISSUE 6
If a woman notices blood for three days and three nights or more and then remains clean for fifteen days or more and again sees blood for less than three days then the first bleeding was menstruation while the second bleeding is chronic discharge (istihada) because the bleeding was for less than three days although the period of purity was for fifteen lays.

ISSUE 7
If a woman notices blood for less than three days and three nights and after full fifteen days or more sees blood again for less than three days then both bleedings are called chronic discharge (istihada) and she will be regarded as pure for all these days.

As soon as the bleeding stops within three days, she should make ritual ablution (wudu) and start her prayer during the last stages (end part) of mustahab [preferable] time (i.e. just before disliked (makruh) time). She must also offer make-up prayer for those days which she has missed while she was bleeding.

ISSUE 8
If a woman who is ritually pure puts on sanitary pads, etc. at night and in the morning when she removes it; she finds it to be blood-stained, then her menstruation starts only at the time when she sees the blood.

ISSUE 9
If a menstruating woman notices no sign of blood on her pad, then the clean period will be counted right from the time the pad was put on.

HANDOUT 1

GOT GHUSL?

1. Make the niyyah (intention) to perform ghusl for purification.

2. Wash your private parts thoroughly with water.

3. Perform wudu’ (ablution) except for washing of your feet, which you can do later after bathing the body. Sniff water up your nose up to the point where bone goes from soft to hard. Gargle three times.

4. Starting with your head wash the entire body, first the right side, followed by the left. Use scented body wash as the women companions used to use perfumed pieces of cloth to wipe off menstrual blood and clean their private parts three times.( Sahih Bukhari).

5. Wash the body 3 times. The minimum is once. Make sure your clean your belly button and behind earrings and rings. Every inch of the body must be wet.

Recite upon completing the ghusl

Allah humma ja’alnee minattawabeena wa ja’alnee minal muthahhareen
‘O Allaah, make me of those who return to You often in repentance and make me of those who remain clean and pure.’

At puberty all shariah rules go into effect:

• Salat (namaz)
• Fasting (sawm)
• Hajj
• Zakat
• Hijab

You are now solely accountable to Allah for all your actions, words & deeds. You can not use your parents as an excuse any longer.

Muslims should remove the hair in their private areas at least every 40 days- wax, cream or even shave.

HANDOUT 2

Be prepared. You should start carrying pads around with you in advance of getting your period. If you find yourself stuck at school without a pad , go ask to your school’s nurse.

If at any point while at school your period leaks through your clothing, excuse yourself to the office and get them to call your mom to bring you something to change into. These clothes are now najis and need to be washed. Avoid wearing white or light-colored pants and underwear during the week of your period to cut down on the chance of visible leakage as well.

A Girl’s First Period – A Regular Visit

When your first period finally arrives, don’t be too worried if it doesn’t stick around for long. Periods usually come every 28 to 30 days and last for three to seven days. But, if it doesn’t follow that schedule right away, it is perfectly normal not to have a regular pattern or habit the first few months or even few years. Start keeping a calendar and keep track of your habit lots of rules depend on this.

Basic Supplies

• Lots of pads
• A change of clothes kept in your locker at school.
• Tylenol, Panadol, Midol or Advil.
• A hot water bottle.
• Lots of chocolate!

Make sure you wrap your used pad and throw it in garbage. It is really bad manners to leave them in plain sight.

You are not a little kid anymore-behave like a proud, clean Muslimah!

Don’t touch the all Arabic Quran with your bare hands. Do not pray or fast during your period but make lots of duas, say the kalimah, read durood. Don’t forget Allah just you because you have your Period.

By Hena Zuberi Siddiqui –
“I am just a mama trying to raise my 4 kids . In my ‘other’ life I was TV news producer- mommyhood is way more exciting. My youth group kids (MYSCV) keep me in-the-know. I rather do halaqas than the laundry. Visit me at lordsfavors.wordpress.com.”

Good ol’ 1, 2, 3. It’s supposed to work like…well, magic! But for many of us who have tried it, and perhaps still use it, why does it seem like number 3 ran out of fairy dust? Somehow when we get to 3, nothing happens. Our child is still doing the naughty thing we were trying to stop him (or her from doing). So Junior (or lil’ ‘Aboodi) is still throwing his apple slices on the floor while we sit and watch helplessly in the other room, nursing his baby brother. “Aboodi! If you don’t stop throwing your apple slices by the time I get to 3, you’re getting a time out when I come in there! 1! 2! 3!….” Still the apple slices are flying. Or maybe it’s little Mariyam, who has decided to scream at the store, because we declined to buy her that scrumptious box of fruit snacks and the cart is now departing the aisle. “If you don’t stop screaming by the time I get to 3, then we’re not going to the Children’s Museum today! 1….2….3…” *Mariyam screams even louder*

Drat, in either case, nothing happened! They’re naughty as ever! So what do we do? Why, we call in the disc-scratch jockey of parenting (DJ Empty Threat!) and we skip it, baby! “3….3….I said 3333333!…..” And then we may even repeat that stanza and start the counting all over again, as if our child being naughty somehow disabled their hearing. “I said 1…2….3….”

So what happens when the 3 is skipping and Aboodi and Mariyam are still being bad? For most parents it’s an internal explosion, which usually manifests itself externally. Neither Aboodi nor Mariyam dropped the bad act at 3, so we’re ticked (and we even gave our child multiple chances with those 3’s!). We may scream at them, we may gripe endlessly, we may silently contort our faces in anger (and if it’s little Mariyam at the store we bang the cart along for good measure). And the internal commentary in our mind is sabotaging us–”How dare he?” “What’s wrong with her?” “Why must he make life so difficult for me?” “Aren’t I doing everything a parent is supposed to?” Why don’t they listen? And why don’t they obey?!

But are Mom and Pops really doing everything they’re supposed to? Are Ammi and Abu really making the contribution they’re obligated to? Something must be going wrong. It shouldn’t have to be this hard (and emotionally draining)! I know what you think is coming—a parental guilt trip about how you’re not spending enough quality time with your kids. Er (*buzzer sound*), wrong. But if we ever find ourselves in the above situation, we’re definitely not making a vital contribution that we promised to when we became parents. When we became a parents, we made a promise to keep our promises, and I’m not talking about that promise to take Junior to Chuck E. Cheese on Friday (although we should to keep that one too). We made a promise that if we say a consequence is going to happen as a result of our child’s bad action (or in some cases inaction), and our child continues that bad action, then we enforce the consequence we said we coming. We do not issue empty threats to our child. No extra 3s, no extra chances (could someone please fire DJ Empty Threat?). In other words we walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Let’s go back to Aboodi and Mariyam. We told Aboodi that if he didn’t stop practicing his baseball pitch with those apple slices when we got to 3, he would get a time out when we were done nursing the baby. There’s no need to repeat that 3. If we got to 3 and the apple slices are still flying, then we just finish nursing the baby calmly (because there’s nothing we can do about the slices at the moment). Then, when we’re done, we put baby down and we walk into the kitchen and put Aboodi in the time-out we promised him he would receive, no matter how innocent he looks or how much he cries. Or with little Mariyam, we promised her that if she didn’t stop screaming, we weren’t going to take her to the Children’s Museum. Well, Mariyam decided to keep screaming, so what do we do? Hmm. After we’ve cooled off a little, we start to feel bad for little Mariyam. We’re really not going to take her to the Children’s Museum? She’ll be so sad. Heck, we’ll be so sad! But isn’t that what we promised her would happen if she didn’t stop? Indeed, it was, so we don’t take her to the Children’s Museum. Little Mariyam really feels the sting, but Mom and Dad always keep their promises.

When parents keep their promises, several things happen. Firstly, Aboodi and Mariyam always know to take what Mom and Dad say seriously. They know that if Mom and Dad issue a threat (“If you don’t stop, then X will happen”), it isn’t merely an attempt to intimidate with no follow-through. Therefore, when Mom and Dad say “X” is going to happen, Aboodi and Mariyam are highly likely to obey. They don’t want that consequence to be enforced, and they know it will be if they don’t stop, so they stop.

Another beautiful thing that happens when we keep our promises, is that we, as parents, are highly less likely to blow our tops. There’s no need to scream or gripe or let Shaytan run through our veins to show Aboodi and Mariyam just how angry and disappointed we are. We convey our displeasure to Aboodi and Mariyam by simply enforcing the consequence. The consequence does all the screaming for us. Aboodi and Mariyam may hate it that we keep our promise to discipline them, but we feel so much better, because Aboodi and Mariyam are learning the lesson they need to, and it took absolutely no loss of temper or emotional reactivity on our part (and subsequently, no parent-guilt). We just enforced the consequence calmly and moved on.

So the next time we wave our 1, 2, 3 wand, we’ll know that the magic isn’t really in the numbers, it’s in our child knowing that we keep our promises.

Questions you may have that will be addressed in the upcoming Screamfree Program:

Do I have to use 1, 2, 3, and time-outs? (hint: no)

Can Screamfree be used with older kids and teens? (hint: yes)

Why does it feel so difficult/painful for me to enforce consequences?

What if the consequence I said was coming is too harsh and I really don’t want to follow through with it?

I’m enforcing consequences without losing it but my child is worse than ever! Why?

I’m immediately enforcing consequences, but I still feel angry inside. Help!

How do I handle discipline in public or at other people’s homes?

Are there any forms of discipline that I should never use? Which ones are most effective?

What do I do if my spouse is not following Screamfree? Will it still work?

I’ll be doing an introductory talk on Screamfree Parenting on Thurs. March 4th at 6pm CST via teleconference. Just dial (712) 432-0075 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (712) 432-0075      end_of_the_skype_highlighting and then enter access code: 440036. See you there, insha’Allah!

Olivia Kompier

Screamfree Certified Leader

Does that sound odd to you? Or even jarring? Let me repeat it: parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents. We’ve always been told and believed the opposite: parenting is about kids. Parenting is about these younger human beings that we’ve been put in charge of. As parents we’re responsible for them—for making sure they have a strong sense of security and high self-esteem. We’re responsible for making sure they’re healthy and normal. We’re responsible for them receiving the best education possible. We’re responsible for providing all the opportunities we possibly can to insure that they are intelligent, well-rounded individuals. We’re responsible for them developing sound morals. We’re responsible for them staying out of trouble. We’re responsible for them choosing the right college and major, the right husband or wife. We’re responsible for them not going to Hell, for crying out loud! Right?

Wrong. Parenting is not about kids–it’s about us, the parents. And we are not responsible for our kids. Instead, we are responsible to our kids. And believe me there is a difference. In this article, I will insha’Allah talk about these two very important principles.

Parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents.

Where should our focus be during our daily interactions with our kids? Most of us focus outward, toward our children. We watch, monitor, guide, reprimand, discipline. We’re always thinking about them—about what they’re doing or not doing. Other times we’re thinking about what they should or could be doing. And then when one of our children misbehaves, we are most definitely focused on them. That’s the time when we must communicate to them that what they did was wrong, and sometimes we actually have to stop them from misbehaving first. Throughout these interactions we’re always focused on them.

It’s time, parents, for us to reprogram. If we want to be the most effective communicators possible, if we want to have the best relationship with our kids, and if we want to deliver the powerful message that certain behavior is not acceptable, then we absolutely must reprogram ourselves. It’s time to stop focusing on our children and start focusing on ourselves.

This means that as we watch, monitor, guide, reprimand, or discipline, we should be focusing inwardly, on ourselves, not on our children. Of course, we remain cognitively aware of what they are doing, but during these moments we need to be aware of what we are thinking and feeling. And most importantly, we need to be calm.

This is especially difficult during those moments when our children misbehave, because inwardly we begin to experience anxious emotions and thoughts. We began to feel angry, sad, resentful, frustrated, or even violent. We also experience thoughts along the same vein, such as “Why did she do that when I told her not to!” or “What was he thinking?!” or “I can’t believe she did that again!” Anxious feelings and thoughts are normal, and I am not saying that they can be eliminated. I repeat, you will not stop experiencing them. What you must do is not act (or shall we say “react”) on them.

When we remain calm, we have the ability to be the most effective parents. Our ability to communicate and discipline effectively is enhanced a hundredfold, if not more. Had we yelled, intimidated, guilt-tripped, or withdrew, we would have greatly reduced our effectiveness. So, the next time one of our children misbehaves, we should consciously recognize that we are experiencing anxious thoughts and emotions, and we should continue to focus on ourselves throughout our exchange with our child. We should remain calm and address the situation, using a calm face and voice, even when that means delivering some form of discipline. Even if a small child must be physically removed from a situation or have something confiscated, we should remain calm and communicate in a calm manner.

When we do this, our child’s ability to hear and understand the message we are communicating does not become hindered by our anxiety. Many of us have a misconception: if we act upset (by yelling or intimidating, for example) this will enhance our child’s ability to understand and internalize or message that their behavior was not acceptable. By displaying our anger, for example, we think we adding impact to the message, but in fact the opposite is true! When we yell or display anxious behavior, we are actually distracting from the message we are trying to deliver and reducing the likelihood it will have a strong impact.

When we are trying to communicate while displaying anxious emotions with a younger child, the child is no longer focusing on the misbehavior, but instead is wondering “How do I calm mom down?” or “How do I stop dad from yelling?” We know we’re yelling important words at them (“My cell phone is not a toy! You cannot play with it!”) but they’re not digesting the words. It’s like what they’re really hearing you say (or scream) is “Calm me down! You did this bad thing, so you must calm me down!” If you have an older child, your emotional reactivity will most likely conjure defensive or argumentative emotions and thoughts within them, or they may just withdraw all together. So instead of hearing what you’re saying, they’re thinking “Mom is so annoying” or “Dad is such a jerk” or “Whatever.”

Where is the moral development in that? Is that really seizing the opportunity to tell them that we must abide by moral principles, or respect boundaries, or adhere to rules, or obey their parents? Our display of anxious emotions and thoughts squelches that opportunity. So, I challenge every parent who is reading this article to apply this principle (focus on yourself and remain calm) for a week. Eliminate your emotional reactivity from your interactions with your children. They may be shocked or act even worse at first, because there has been a break in the cycle and they’ve been thrown off-balance by it, but you will very soon start to see a change in how they receive your parental messages.

We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to our kids.

We do not control our kids, whether they are six months old or sixteen years old. We do not control them. Your toddler will have a tantrum in the store if he wants to or your teenager will break her curfew if she wants to. A perfect example of this happened to me just today. My son knows that he’s not allowed to throw the ball in the house, but today he did it any way, because he wanted to, and when he threw it, it hit me right in the side of the head (painfully and knocking my glasses askew) while I was reading Qur’an. I felt angry and my first thought was “I have told him a thousand times that he is not supposed to throw the ball in the house!” But, despite my countless repetitions that he is not to do that, he did it today because he wanted to.

Many of us would feel entitled in that moment to let off some steam and some scream. We are also most likely experiencing some latent internal commentary: “That child did not obey me. I am responsible for making sure he follows house rules and he didn’t, so therefore his throwing the ball was a representation of my failure to control his behavior, and that stresses me out. I do a good job as a parent, so his behavior should be in line with my good efforts.”

At the end of the day, even if you do the most stellar job possible, your child will do what he or she wants to do. Accept this fact and feel the liberation within it. You do not control your child. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he misbehaves that is entirely his choice. As parents we are responsible for delivering those important moral and ethical messages—for letting our children know that certain behavior is unacceptable. That is our responsibility to our kids, so we should strive to be calm, effective communicators who effectively deliver discipline. We are not responsible for our children—for what they choose to do or not do. We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to our kids. We do not control them, but we do control ourselves. So, parenting isn’t about kids, it’s about parents. Let’s take ownership of that and apply it. Let’s start a revolution in our homes tonight, by becoming the calm, effective mothers our children need.

Olivia Kompier
Certified Screamfree Leader
www.screamfree.com

Photo Credit: desiredd

]]> http://www.muslimahsource.org/motherhood/mortified/feed/ 15 http://www.muslimahsource.org/motherhood/but-im-bored/ http://www.muslimahsource.org/motherhood/but-im-bored/#comments Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:25:02 +0000 Guest Authors http://www.muslimahsource.org/?p=909 Megan Wyatt

“I’m boooooooored.” What mother has not heard this statement coming out of their children’s mouths before? With spring break last week in full swing for my two kids, there were a few days where we didn’t go out, as I chose to just stay home and be together. Mid-day my son comes into the kitchen, slumps into a chair and tells me he is bored. I eye ball all the toys now displaced throughout the hallway and living room, and I decide now is not the time to check if some crept into my bedroom as well. His sister comes quickly after declaring, “Mama, we’re bored.”

Right here is the defining moment. I have noticed many parents are afraid of the moments their kids get bored. I have watched as mothers have immediately asked if children want to either watch T.V. or eat something, as if boredom was a secret cry for hunger. And no, all the toys in the world right now aren’t going to solve the problem. It isn’t about toys and stuff.

I love when my kids tell me they are bored. It is a sign that they are about to embark on a creative adventure whether it’s in the backyard or under their beds. Boredom forces children to get creative, to use their imaginations, so long as they are given the chance.

Many parents complain that their kids want to do nothing but watch T.V., or play video games. They complain their kids can’t entertain themselves, and they have to entertain them all the time or they will wind up in trouble. I beg to differ. Children are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves, and for hours on end, if you give them the opportunity to do so. Even in an empty field of grass and trees, if told this is where they will spend the afternoon, kids will find a way to have fun. My timer usually tells me that it takes about 20 minutes for them to figure something out. After that I can usually count on at least an hour of quiet time for me as the kids become engrossed in their own little world.

I believe strongly that children need to play, explore and imagine. The skills they are developing in these moments and the qualities in their character that are being nourished must not be overlooked. As a Muslim parent, we should want strongly for our children to have a natural love for that which is pure, innocent, halal, and beautiful. We want to develop in them the skills of patience, restraint, and self reliance.

If every time children get bored we rush to serve them something, we are doing them a disservice. Does it require patience on your part as a parent to wait the time it will take for them to figure something out? Yes. Will it be worth it in the long run? Absolutely. It might take some time to develop this new pattern if your kids are used to instant gratification, but it’s worth it! Hearing my kids down the hall laughing and giggling, exploring and imagining together is one of my most favorite sounds, knowing they are bonding together, having simple halal fun, and insha’Allah developing their brain even more!

I understand that a tired and exhausted mother who desperately needs a 20 minute cat nap on the couch may turn to a 30 minute show to give her that opportunity. Aside from that, T.V. becomes a crutch for parents not to parent, and for kids not to be kids. Children, by nature like to move, not sit still in one place, especially younger kids. Let their imaginations go wild. Wild may not be as neat and tidy as we like, but it is much more vivid, beautiful, and inspiring. It will lift their moods, move their bodies, and bring their hearts closer together.

They piled the dirt over her body,
Burying my throbbing heart without mercy.
I crumbled to the ground, choking, suppressing my agonizing cries.
My mother disappeared right before my eyes.
I felt so alone, so deprived.

Mama, I just want to hold you – just one last time.

I knew the day was coming, but I just needed respite
To beg her forgiveness – to make it all right.
I’m sorry I raised my voice, and slammed the door in your face,
And vented my frustrations with shameful disgrace,
Causing your tears to stream down — leaving a trace.

A trace that carved into my heart
Excruciating regret and sorrowful hurt,
Because I made you carry the brunt
Of my mistakes, and harsh cruelty — at worst.

Mama, I just want to hold you – just one last time.

Why was I not always by your side, serving you with humility?
When you suffered sleepless nights to quell my anxiety
And planted in me the seeds of serenity
To live by the Qur’an and Prophetic civility,
And make decisions with wisdom and integrity.

You taught me to trust my God-given instincts,
To depend only on Allah and invest my talents,
To help the weak and needy, with constant radiance,
To speak the truth, even if it goes against the currents.

Your forgiveness stems from a mother’s loving heart, with certitude.
But will Allah forgive me for my ingratitude?
Commanding kindness to parents with excellence and fortitude,
Only second to prohibiting shirk, the crime of worst magnitude.

You were most deserving of my companionship, times three.
Our Beloved’s words reverberate: Paradise under the mothers’ feet.
Yet I frequently wonder: Do I deserve this rank, truly?
When I have fallen short – often-times daily.

Mama, I just want to hold you – just one last time.

An impossible wish, for now it is my turn
To realize; to Allah we belong and to Him is our return.
I beg your forgiveness, Allah, for all I have done.
Have mercy on my mother, as she raised me when I was young.

Grant me the light, knowledge and faith she possessed, as a loan,
And bestow on me guidance to instill in my own
What she has taught me, from Your blessings alone.

As I was sitting down for dinner last night with my two kids, I had my laptop on the chair next to me which reminded me of some unfinished work I needed to do, and a book next to me I wanted to finish reading. Hopes of that faded as I glanced at the counter where dishes needed to be washed, the floor which needed to be swept, the laundry in the dryer, lunches that needed to be packed, and thought of the homework my daughter had yet to do.

As I began to eat, I watched my daughter, 6 ½, and son, about to be 5 insha’Allah, immersed in a conversation about a secret world, with little creatures I can’t comprehend, but as they giggled, I found myself smiling. Yes, in between the moments of “sit down/close your mouth/stop slurping/did you say Bismillah” there are these moments at the dinner table where I find myself wondering how Allah blessed me with such sweet faces and laughter in my life. Alhamdulellah.

As I contemplated, I realized that all afternoon since they had been home from school, we hadn’t really connected with each other at all. Sure, I asked about their day, made them a snack, chatted as I cooked dinner, broke up a small argument they had over who’s idea should get played out this afternoon first, but I hadn’t really really connected with them.

I suppose I should backtrack and share the fact that I am on this mission to connect closely with my kids everyday in a way that is more than just talking (though I can’t express how crucial daily dialogue is with your kids.)
I want something more.

In the West, we are taught that eye contact is essential to solid communication. So what about with our children? How could I allow them to see into my eyes, and me into theirs to feel that connection that is made when eyes meet and really look into each other?

So I began to play a game with them a few months ago. We started out with a staring contest! You know, the one you used to play as a kid to see who can stare the longest without breaking away or laughing. It started off really silly. This got us used to looking into each other at all. And then over the weeks I added in more elements. I would ask them “see if you can guess what I’m trying to tell you with my eyes.” My 5 year old at first, didn’t get it. “Mama! Your eyes can’t talk!”

After some time, though, they started to understand. One night I was laying next to my son, and asked him to guess what I was telling him. He laughed, and said he didn’t know. I told him that I was telling him I love him. We continued to talk a bit, and then he interrupted me and said “Mama, your eyes look sad.” I was totally taken aback. I had a smile on my lips, but in truth, I did feel sad for a moment from another thought that had passed through my head. I was shocked. He had looked in my eyes, and read me.

Over the past few months, I realized how it is a habit that has to start with me first to focus on them when they speak, to look in their eyes, even if they keep looking away. I discovered how much time could slip by where I wasn’t really looking into their sweet faces, noticing their eye lashes, the small smile when they have something to share, or how their eyes really shine. In our busy rush of daily routine, so much can be lost. I had really missed focusing on their beautiful eyes like I had when they were infants who would lay in my arms staring up at me with a solid gaze. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad, was known that when others spoke, he would not only listen, but turn his body physically towards them, giving them his full focus not just mentally, but reflecting that with his physiology as well

My children are still small, so nothing is perfected yet. I can say though that if they were the ones looking at me most of the time when speaking, that I am looking back. Whoever made the change, we look at each other more when we speak, and because of that, I feel a much deeper connection with them.

Anas Ibn Maalik , who served the Prophet for ten years in his house said, “He would listen carefully and attentively to questions or requests. He shifted his focus only after the person in need directed it away or the person left his presence. He held on to the hand that greeted him and waited for the other person to withdraw first. He shook the hand of anybody who extended it.” (Abu Nu’aim)

Megan Wyatt resides in Southern California and is originally from Ohio. She is the director of a Sunday school, youth group instructor, Life Coach and workshop leader with DiscoverU

Photo Courtesy: Malika Balqis