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Most of us have done it. We do it when we want revenge. Or to make people laugh. We do it out of peer pressure. Or to make ourselves feel better. Without even realizing it, many of us backbite – we take out our fangs and plunge the serrated edges deep into the flesh of evil.

As Islam teaches, backbiting is wrong and a major sin. Backbiting, or gheebah in Arabic, is when a person talks about someone in a way that he or she would not like to hear about themselves.

The Qur’an states, “O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins.  And spy not, neither backbite one another.  Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?  You would hate it (so hate backbiting)” (49:12).

This behavior can be seen plenty of times and when a Muslims partakes in it, it is a grave sin, and Allah (SWT) has illustrated how harrowing this sin is.

The Muslim Ummah needs to create unity and honor for one another instead of building corruption and chaos within the society. Words that cause fitnah, or problems, sever Muslim relations and bonds. One evil word escaping from someone’s inconsiderate tongue can cause a negative ripple effect among Muslims and unravel the strings of unity that holds our Ummah together.

Backbiting aside, slander is even more vicious. Slander is saying something about a person that is not true, whereas backbiting is saying something that is true but that they would dislike having made public.

Allah’s Messenger (saw) said, “Do you know what backbiting is?”  The companions said, “Allah and His Messenger (saw) know best.”

The Prophet answered, “It is to mention something about your brother that he dislikes.”  They said, “Even if what you said is truly found in your brother?”  He (saw) said, “If what you said is truly found in him, you have backbitten him.  If it is not truly found in him, then you have slandered him” (Muslim).

Muslims commit this sin often, and the comments come in all different forms. Backbiting can include comments on physical traits, lineage, clothes, work, manner, conducts. It’s basically anything the person would not like to hear and is being mentioned without their presence constitutes as backbiting.

There are exceptions that would not be considered gheebah. In Surah An Nisa (verse 148), Allah states, “Allah loveth not the shouting of evil words in public speech, except by one who has been wronged …”

This means that if a person has had an unjust situation done to him by another, the former has the right to complain to an authority that can assist in undoing the injustice.

Another exception is warning people of their evilness. On the authority of Fatimah bint Qays, she said, “I came to the Prophet (saw) and told him, “Abu Jahm and Mu`awiyah have (both) proposed to me.” He said, “As for Mu`awiyah, he is a poor man with no money, and as for Abu Jahm, his stick never leaves his shoulder,” (Bukhari, Muslim, Malik).  This is an example of mentioning things that would benefit the person to see if someone is compatible for them, and in this case, it was marriage.

There is a remedy for backbiting and slander.  If a Muslim wants to be forgiven, he or she can apologize to the abused if the abused is aware of the backbiting.

The Prophet (saw) said, “Whoever has wronged his brother, in the way of property or honor, let him go to him and repair it, before it is taken (from him on a day) when he has no dirhams or dinars, such that if he has any good deeds, some of the good deeds will be taken and given to (the wronged one), otherwise (if he has no good deeds), some of the other’s evil deeds will be taken and cast upon him,” (Bukhari, Ahmad).

And if the person was not aware that backbiting took place, we should still ask Allah to forgive us for having engaged in backbiting. “The expiation with regard to one who has been backbited is that forgiveness be asked for him,” (Suyuti, Al-Jami` As-Saghir).

May Allah (SWT) protect our tongues from causing harm and bless our tongues with words of kindness to our Muslim brothers and sisters.

Mariam Al-Kalby was an Islamic Studies teacher for four years in Orange County.

This is a quote that I had put up on my Facebook status as some motivation for myself. First of all, this status was not posted as an attack to anyone in specific, but rather a reminder to all of my Muslim brothers and sisters, and to myself. It’s not just for sisters because sometimes this is a tendency that is common among some brothers as well.

Marriage comes with a LOT of responsibilities, and especially for the sister, it is a lot of new responsibilities, including things such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of husband, children, and juggling work and school all at the same time. However we know that da’wah is encouraged, if not obligated (however you look at it) for every Muslim. In fact, some scholars say that one of the reasons we are allowed to stay in a Non-Muslim country is by doing da’wah.

Now coming to da’wah and practical steps and examples:

1. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. One of the best ways we can do da’wah is by supporting our husbands in their da’wah works. If you look at Hajar, the wife of Ibrahim alayhissalam, her effort as a wife and a mother has left a legacy that will be remembered for the rest of time. Support his work, provide encouragement, and constructive criticism, and do not become a hindrance in his efforts.

2. We take our examples from the greatest women in history, the Mothers of the Believers, ie, the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (saws). They took care of the household and did much more than us, yet they were leaders in doing da’wah. Aisha, for example, was one of the greatest scholars of the time. At the same time, we have to take note that despite his (least to say) BUSY schedule, the Prophet (saws) took the time to help his wives around the house with chores. This just goes to show that household responsibilities are not just for the wife, but for the husband as well. And if both the husband and wife are involved with dawah work, then it is crucial that both spouses share the work in the house, so that the wife is not doing everything on her own.
3. A lot of people, when they ask “what is the main responsibility of a wife?”, are told, “their family”. However, as one scholar pointed out, this answer is incorrect. A woman’s first responsibility is to be a servant to Allah. Now, as a married woman, ONE of the ways she can fulfill this responsibility by being a good wife and mother, educating her children and bringing them up to be Muslims. This is an example of how she can do dawah at home. However, this requires effort. It’s not just about cooking and cleaning- it’s about educating oneself as best as one can in order to raise children as good Muslims and Muslimahs.

4. Practical examples of what married Muslim women living in America today can do in terms of da’wah:

a) The Internet- It is such a blessing that we have this medium we can use for da’wah purposes. Lots of American Muslim women have been very active in the dawah front using the Internet as a tool. And this does not even require them to leave their houses: check out a few of these websites that are run by Muslim women in America, all of whom are married and close to our age:

http://iamsheba.com/

http://www.habibihalaqas.org/

http://www.muslimahsource.org/

numerous female authors writing for http://muslimmatters.org/

b) Seeking knowledge- Alhamdulillah, we are living in times when knowledge is coming to us, instead of us having to travel miles to seek it. As a married couple, we should try to devote some of our free time to attend circles of knowledge together. In addition, numerous Muslim women have been starting their own halaqahs and classes. If you take a look at Al Huda Institute (http://www.alhudainstitute.ca/), it has been established by Muslim married women, and mashaAllah, they are doing an amazing job at producing women who are educated in the field of Quran. There are sisters in our own community who are married, are professionals, going to school, and have children who are hosting sisters study circles at their homes, including fiqh classes, tajweed classes, etc. All it takes is a few sisters to get together and agree to do something for an hour once a week.

c) Community work- when people think of da’wah, this is the first thing they think of and say to themselves, “I don’t have time for it.” But community work does not have to complicated such as leading an organization or serving on the board of an organization. It can be something simple like volunteering one night at a community event, designing flyers for an event, going to Downtown with the MSA for an hour once a month to give food to the needy, etc. Two of my good friends in Memphis are two of the best volunteers I have ever worked with- each of them are married, one is a mother of two, and both are either working or going to school.

At the end of the day, Allah knows our schedules and He knows how busy we are. At the same time, if dawah is something we are passionate about (which I hope we are), then some of the steps that have to be taken include:

a) Making du’a to Allah to help us in our endeavours (esp, during Tahajjud)
b) Discussing with our spouses how both individuals can share work in the house so that both are able to do some dawah work (again, it can be just going and volunteering or teaching for an hour once a week).
c) Manage our time more wisely- can I wake up an hour earlier today to finish school work and the laundry so I can attend an hour long halaqah in the evening? Maybe instead of a movie, I can go to the soup kitchen today with a local group to serve food to the needy, etc.

In conclusion, remember that Allah will judge us according to our intention and our efforts, for He (swt) has promised us in the Qur’an, “”Never will I allow to be lost the work of any of you, be he male or female” (Surah Al Imran: 195). Never think that what you do is miniscule, because on the Day of Judgment, Allah may just make your scales abundantly heavy because of your struggles. I hope this helps somewhat. Again, nothing is to be taken personally. This advice is to myself first and foremost, and may Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong or anything to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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Mehreen Khan’s hometown is in Memphis, Tennessee. She frequently works with the Muslim youth and volunteers for several Islamic organizations. She also teaches various Islamic Studies topics to the women and youth in her local community. She will be graduating this year with a BS in Elementary Education.

You could marry a prince, live in a nice castle and never have to lift your fingers again to wash a dish, but no matter how much money and maids and servants, there is one thing you must do alone: meet his needs.

Yes, his needs. Your man is looking forward to a wife who will take care of him and serve him. Sure sure…. He will never say that in the initial “interview” you will have together or in any of the follow up conversations. I can guarantee you though, that this is deep down one of their wishes. To have a wife who does the following:

- Looks pretty every day

- Makes good food

- Keeps the place organized and tidy

- Serves him without him asking

- Listens to him when he speaks intently

- Sits near him while he unwinds

- Accommodates him when he is tired/stressed/etc.

- Meets his needs for physical intimacy

It is a bonus that you are strong in your Deen, active in the community, and highly educated.

Is this ruffling any of your feathers? “Wait, did she say a bonus?”

When a woman is prized for her Deen, as the Prophet, salalahu alayhe wa sellum, said this is the best reason to marry a woman, do we imagine that this righteous Muslimah would NOT do all of the above in my list? Without that, though, most men, around the globe, still want (if not expect) that list to become a reality.

I understand that you have been raised to focus on education, and to think of marriage in terms of equality.

I realize what I am saying doesn’t sound all “progressive.”

And that is precisely why I am right.

Men, in general, are all similar in what they want in a wife. Regardless of the times, they haven’t changed much over the centuries. (and believe it or not, that goes for the western culture around us too!)

And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

The fairytale only focuses on the girl. It shows how she gets lifted onto the horse, danced with, sought after, and so forth. Regular Hollywood (and I would gather Bollywood too?) also has the theme of a man enamored with his love for a woman, and its “all about her.”

There the story stops, you walk away in dream land, wiping off the happy tears.

Can we now fast forward a bit?

Now, where is the part where we see her sacrificing for her husband?

It might be the day (or days!) he is stressed because his project at work isn’t going as planned and she has to stifle her small list of complaints for a few days.

Or maybe the night he wants her to stay up late to spend intimate time with him, even though she was planning on turning in early that night.

Her sacrifice may come in letting him make a decision she isn’t %100 about, but needs to respect his position as leader of the family.

Or maybe it is her actually focusing when he speaks about his last speed on his jog, patent at work, or vision for the economic future of China.

It’s not just about you. He has his own set of fantasies about what it means to have a wife, and what he will gain for his marriage to you. And no one can meet those needs, wants, or desires except you.

It is important to begin from now thinking about how you can and will, insha’Allah, contribute to the life of another human being, namely, your husband. It is wise to accept what is, and learn how to be flexible and compromise so you can be you, and also be who is dreaming about too.

The goals do not cancel each other out.

The sooner you allow yourself to have a heart that is focused on the happiness of someone else, the more likely it is that your husband may very well continue to sweep you off your feet!

I think many brothers are getting a bad rap these days because they still have “traditional” values (and no, I do not meet backwards cultural concepts) and want a solid family life. If you can stop being intimidated by their requests for a traditional wife, you may find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

That fairytale all begins with accepting that he has needs just like you, a vision and an idea of what makes him happy, and being willing to fill a different set of shoes.

And that is where adventure, love, and beautiful sunsets are really found. The art of compromise, selfless giving, and love that comes without strings attached.

We’ll begin that story, another day insha’Allah.

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Hollywood is full of love stories in nearly every film. Love stories that are about finding the right person, and after that, it’s smooth sailing. Love is beautiful. Love feels amazing. Love, however, is not something that just happens. It never has been, and it never will be. That part of the fairytale is an absolute lie.

Yes, a lie.

Falling “in love” exists, but what we need to in cover here is the difference between feelings of love, and true love itself.

Real love is an action, and real love is developed and maintained by consistent actions and effort.

Real love can only exist when then the “in love” feeling begins to fade away. Absolutely, hands down, it will fade away.

Your feelings will change.

Not knowing this simple fact right here is leading many Muslim couples to divorce.

One day, you will wake up, and look at the person next to you and wonder if you made the right choice. Believe it or not, this is normal.

And chances are you didn’t make the wrong choice. It’s just that the in-love feelings are beginning to fade. The rose colored glasses are beginning to become clear, and you now very clearly see you married someone who is very much human. You married a man who has flaws, weaknesses, needs, and makes mistakes. You may begin to discover that you don’t seem to agree on anything anymore, that you have different preferences, and that things don’t feel as fun these days.

I know what you are thinking. “That won’t happen to me because…”

Because you will defy the laws of true love? You can, and you will find yourself feeling very much unloved.

Here is what is great about what I am telling you. When the lovey-dovey feelings begin to fade away, the opportunity for tremendous growth becomes available to you and your marriage.

Real life begins, and alhamdulellah for this. Remember, that marriage is not an end goal in and of itself, but rather a means to get you closer to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. One must assume that this person who is to become one of the most significant people in your life is going to be here to test you as well.

Tests are given to us to reveal the true nature of our hearts. So with a kind and loving husband, you are being tested in your consistency to be grateful, pleasant, and your willingness to sacrifice in return. In moments where your husband and you feel like you are on opposite side of a valley you are being tested in your patience, willingness to put your ego down and work through a challenge in the best of manners.

In all circumstances there is an opportunity before you.

The reality, however, is that many people are not prepared for these opportunities. When they arrive they begin to think their fairytale is actually a nightmare, and they are in the wrong role.

Fairytales lead us into a world of beauty, where love conquers all. Fairy tales, aren’t just the stories we read or watched as children. They are the magazines, the love songs, the movies, and the buzz that fills our minds and hearts on a daily basis. The problem with all of these sources is that they severely lack depth.

The human experience is a complicated one. One day we feel happy, the next down in the doldrums. One week the world is beautiful, the following, the world seems a dark and frightening place to be. One day your husband is Mr. Perfect, the next day an insensible jerk.

Nothing in this life is constant but change.

When you look for a husband, I am not telling you that the beautiful fairytale introduction to your life together is impossible. What I am asking you to understand, is that happily ever after simply seemed the fastest way to end the fairy tale before the author had to write a 9 part epic into their marital life.

If you are ready to accept that “happily ever after,” is a long phrase that translates to “and they worked day and night at building an awesome marriage and partnership, weathering the storms of life, each others weirdness and quirks, and did this until they day they died, then you are mentally ready for your own version of the fairytale.

Once you are ready, there is something important you now need to know. We’ll begin that next lesson with a frog…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Do you remember that part in the movie where the Little Mermaid decides that she has to marry this strange human guy she saved on the beach? Well, maybe she didn’t say she had to marry him from the get go, but she, in all her fascination, falls in love with him from that brief encounter (here we go again.)

Now honestly, I know he was supposed to be all handsome and what not, but this story is a classic example of one of the top reasons both women and men marry.

For women, it’s about escaping from something. Like some motives of sisters I know, it’s about getting a life of their own away from Daddy, and on to better places. We spend the whole movie feeling pity for this poor little mermaid who just wants to be “part of their world,” and this guy is going to get her there.

(For men, it’s about “her voice,” or her pretty face, or some other appendage on her physical body. They see beauty and they think perfection on a silver platter. So that I don’t digress, I am going to save this for another article!)

And no, I am not blind to the fact that we could draw many other analogies on this topic (now that my brain is churning) and think about how her father who loves her so much is perhaps too much “set in his ways” to allow her to consider something outside their “cultural” norm. He clearly loves Ariel, but wants her to forget about hopes and dreams that he thinks aren’t meant for her.

None the less, my job is to ask you to focus on your motives for marriage. Paying the role of the escapist is incredibly self centered and very unfair to the man who would marry you.

Marriage is, again, not a fairy tale, but a real life daily drama with you as the star role. There is daily work to be done to have a happy, balanced marriage, and if your deepest objective was to escape something, no matter how perfect your man who rescues you is, there are going to be issues.

For example, maybe you want to escape social pressure, because everyone else is getting married, you simply “have to,” so the aunties won’t talk behind your back, so you can talk about wedding dresses, booking hotels, and taste wedding cakes too. Now here comes a long this great brother who has been preparing years to be ready for a wife, and he ends up marrying you who is just looking to follow a social trend. Of course, you aren’t saying that to yourself out loud, but deep down you know the real reason.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Another example would be if you live with a father who you feel is out of touch with modern day reality, and you are looking to just escape his authority and his house rules. Marriage seems like a clean break, because then your obedience shifts to your husband instead, and you imagine that nothing will be worse than your father. Let me fast forward your life on this one. The stakes are pretty high that you will marry someone just like your father, and end up more miserable because instead of marrying as a whole person, you married the most available person who seemed decent enough, and you wind up miserable down the road, one child in your arms, and another clinging to your dress, staring at yourself in the mirror wondering how it is you married someone just like your father. There is no one to blame but yourself my dear.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Marriage in Islam does not prevent love, and a deep connection between spouses. It encourages friendship, romance, affection, kind words, even flirtatiousness and most definitely kind compromise and mercy.

At the end of the day, though, marriage is a means to end. Marriage is not an “end” in and of itself. You are on a journey back to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is the end you are to pursue, and marriage should be a means to support you on that path.

If you marry for selfish reasons, for reasons that involve needing just to escape, how likely do you think that you will support your spouse in their ‘ibadah?

You cannot live in dreams and fairytales.

This may very well be the death of it in your heart, but the truth is that marriage does not fix what is broken in your life.

If I have learned anything as a wife, it would be to share with you that marriage highlights what is broken, what is in need of repair and attention, but it never makes it go away.

Whatever you are running from will haunt you until you look within yourself and find a deeper meaning in your life, and a greater connection with your Lord who created you. He is, after all, in control of the affairs of your life.

Think of all those fairytale princesses who were victims before they got married. Cinderella, in the classic version I read, said she can’t tell her father how mean her step-mother is because “he would be angry as he was ruled by his wife anyhow.” Snow White also has, apparently, a father who is not a real man because his new wife runs her off into the woods out of jealousy. They are passive victims who only find happiness when a man shows up.

Whatever people you are trying to please will not be satisfied once you are married. Once married the social pressures do not end. After this, people who are shallow find an even longer list of things to judge you with. It might be asking when you will get pregnant, or judging how good of a cook you are, the apartment you live in, and the car your drive. Trust me. If it’s about people, you will never ever win.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Begin to think about marriage as a means to the correct end, and with that in mind, let’s move on to our next piece of intellectual candy….

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

If you are waiting for Prince Charming, or as I like to call him “Ameer Charrrrming” (roll those r’s!) to come and whisk you away in into the land of happily-ever-after, all I have to say, is “uh oh.”

You are about to be one damsel in distress. Sure, you may not be locked up in a tower somewhere, screaming for help. You will, however, have locked yourself into a cage and thrown away the key yourself the moment you think that someone else is responsible for your happiness.

I know what you are thinking. “Is she saying that having someone else in my life isn’t supposed to make me happy?”

Of course it should bring you happiness. Of course sharing your life, the most beautiful moments of your being with another person who witnesses your path in life, should bring happiness into your life.

The truth is, though, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Not him, no matter how charming. No matter how sweet. No matter how smart. No matter how good looking.

At the end of the day, it comes down to who you are, not who he is that will determine your happiness.

The mistake so many people make is that they are searching the world over for someone to complete them, without realizing that this isn’t possible.

Contrast this concept with Islam. Here we are told that spouses are like garments to each other. Spouses cover each other, protect and nourish each other, but that “other” is not a dependant.

You see, many people see relationships in a way that resembles parasites. I know this is kind direct, but let’s get to the point.

It’s all about you. Your whole focus in finding Ameer Charming is to think lf all of things he will give you, and do for you. You can’t have and won’t have so many things, you think, until he comes along and you are hitched.

You may very well find Mr. Amazing, and he may be a girl’s dream come true. But you are going to be his Ms.Parasite, because nothing he will ever do will be enough for you.

So let me repeat this to you: your happiness depends on you and you alone.

You decide how much gratitude you want to focus on in your life so you see the cup overflowing instead of constantly empty.

You decide how much you will appreciate all the things he does for you and you decide if you will be a person who focuses on what is always not perfect.

You decide how much love you will give unconditionally without expecting something in return, and you decide if you want a relationship of tit-for-tat.

You decide if you will try to control his friends, his decisions, his free time because of your own insecurities and you decide if you will trust him and learn how to be vulnerable (more on that later.)

You decide if you will be dedicated to Allah, follow the Sunnah of His Messenger (saw) and be a stronger Muslimah regardless of whether or not his iman is at a high or a low, and regardless of whether or not he has the ability to be a teacher and you a perpetual student.

The choice is yours.

I pray you do find Ameer Charming, and I pray that when he finds you, you are already working on a wholesome happiness that belongs to you and you alone.

No matter the fairytale in your head, there is always reality which is going to smack you up side the head! I mean, whoever imagines that the really nice, attractive, religious, pious brother snores loud enough to compete with a lawn mower?

Exactly. J

If this is all about you, and only you, then that white knight/mujahid who is going to come is going to disappoint you my fair maiden.

This will lead us to our next thought in our quest for true love…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

I think I am going to make a few enemies right now when I say that Disney is not my favorite place to find “halaified” entertainment. I have, over the years, grown utterly disgusted by all of the female roles that lead to a love affair turned marriage and the whole happily ever after thing.

My daughter, for example, who just turned seven keeps on asking me why I won’t show her the same cartoons “everyone at school gets to watch.” She was particularly interested in Cinderella. Aside from the pretty blue dress, she really wanted to know what the big deal was all about. She shyly admitted to me that she found a Cinderella book at her Islamic school (produced with Disney images of course) and she looked through the book, seeing the kiss scene and all.

With a sigh, realizing that this was coming sooner than expected, I decided to tell her what happened and why I don’t like this story.

My conversation went something like this:

“Mama, just tell me what the story is about. Why don’t you like it!”

“Alright, here is what happens. A girl named Cinderella gets all dressed up and goes to a dance. She wears this pretty blue dress, and meets a man and dances with him…”

“Oh, that’s not ok. She wasn’t in hijab, and she danced. Is dancing even ok mama? “

“Well its not ok for us in public for sure in front of a bunch of men we don’t know”

“so then what happened?”

“Well, at midnight she has to go home, and on her way out rushing to get to her carriage, she dropped a glass slipper, or shoe with tall heels, on the staircase. The man she danced with, a complete stranger, finds the shoe. He then spend lots and lots of time looking aaaaaaall over the kingdom for the girl who’s foot fits into this special shoe. Finally one day, he comes to where Cinderella lives, and the shoe fits her foot, and then they get married.”

“oh…”

“Now, does she even know anything about this guy? Does he have good character, how will he treat her. She doesn’t know a thing about him, but because of this stupid shoe, she is going to marry him and he is going to marry her and live happily ever after.” I think that a girl should higher standards than that! “

“standards?”

“yes, standards…meaning that you should have certain things you want in a husband, and not just go after any guy because of a dance and a shoe. Don’t you agree?”

“yea, that sounds wrong mama..”

So, my seven year old gets it, and I pray that Allah keeps her heart matched up with her head to see things clearly in her life. Ameen.

But what about you? Maybe it wasn’t a glass slipper, but is there some brother out there you are thinking about marrying, or want to marry, or are arguing with your parents about marrying and truth is, you have no real idea why?

Hold on. Don’t bite my head off with defensive comments. I was simply asking a question J

Truthfully, though, I have found over and over again that when someone is asked why they love someone, the answer is “well, I just do! He is so nice, and kind, and just….I just love him…”

Ok, so we have:

1) He is nice

2) He is kind

3) You love him.

I know it is Sunnah to be concise with words, and wow, that even worked out to be an odd number too, but this list is too short, and too vague.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to mock you. I am simply asking you to see how it looks from the outside.

See, falling in love is much like Cinderella. You meet a brother, interact with him, maybe once, maybe from time to time, maybe often, but in all circumstances one thing is clear – you don’t really know a thing about him,

You know that he makes you feel good.

You know that he makes you smile inside.

You know that you like the conversation you had.

You know you like the idea of him and you.

And you know it’s not because he is “religious.”

Truthfully, all you know is that you like how you feel and the ideas in your head. Not once did you stop to find out if your imagination matched up with a potential reality.

When you fall in love, you are falling in love with a person who is giving you special attention, special treatment, special feelings, special expressions, and special opportunities.

No doubt, it feels amazing.

But things are special right now only because you are special. You are special because you are something rare, new, different, and therefore, well, special.

What will happen when conversations aren’t doled out like a piece of chocolate, only one a day since you will wake up next to him every day?

What will happen when he doesn’t always make you smile because he is stressed about work, the phone bill, and your two year old who is screaming?

What will happen when happily ever after is nothing more than a mirage in your imagination?

Real life doesn’t take place on gchat.

What then?

It is easy to fall in love, oh so easy. It is easy to love mystery, secrecy, ideas, and intangible thoughts.

It is easy to feel butterflies, daydream, and feel warm fuzzies when you think of him.

So long as you don’t mind falling and falling and falling, you can spend your life falling in love, hitting the ground, and then finding another edge to fall from again.

If you are searching for real love, then it’s time to recycle the glass slipper, and prepare for the death of the fairytale.

This is where the noble quest for true love begins……

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

But it was just an act. How long would it go on? Even if it went on forever, I was never at peace with myself. “Oh woes me!!” ( I didn’t say it, but I sure thought it)… “Oh pooooor me!!! Having to put up with all of this wretchedness, this terrible lonliness.” Pretty pathetic, huh? I would pray to Allah(swt) to get me out of this situation…every night with tears brimming my eyes and a choked sob in my heart. “Oh woesssss me!! Allah(swt) make my situation better!!” (I poke fun of myself a bit, but I was really in pain; it is only in hindsight that I realize what was going on.)

Alhamdulillah, He(swt) did. I didn’t get to run away to Yemen/Egypt to be an alimah. I didn’t make a clique of Muslimahs. I didn’t get married to a brother(that’s the best thing since sliced bread), and I didn’t get a Muslim community.

Nope, but my situation got better, Alhamdulillah. I still live in the same area, with basically the same people, with a pretty non-existent Muslim community. So how has my situation become better?

I began to let go. I realized if there is a problem that I cannot change, then I must at least change my attitude about the problem. If for no other reason than to stand to live my life(however long or short) and not desperately seek refuge from it (my own life!).

I really had to magnify everything that was beautiful to me, even here, in nowhere, America…and readjust the focus on things which I disliked. It might sound a bit “tree-hugger”-ish, but I would walk outside and simply breathe in the fresh air, and take in the smell of wet soil after a rainy day… feel the sun on my face. Bring everything back to the basic things in life, so that I could count my blessings and not what I had been denied. There is so much wisdom in looking at the hardships of others. It makes you realize your own blessings. So what if I’m not surrounded by practicing sisters, Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. That is definitely a great thing to have, but for those of us who don’t… you learn to live with it… There are people who do not have homes, or families, or food, or love. Some do not even expect these things in the near future. That helps readjust your focus. That helps make the contentment sincere. Not just feigning, but really being grateful to Allah(swt) for all that you DO have.

Whatever it is that I don’t have, is nothing in comparison to what I do. I have no room to complain. If there is a problem that I can’t change, or am not willing to actively take part in changing it, the least I can do for my own happiness and gratitude to my Lord (who is most deserving), is be grateful. Like Dave Ramsey says when people ask him how he is doing, verily in truth he answers, ” I am better than I deserve.”

We sure are Dave… we sure are.

Your Hijab is a sticky note—as a matter of fact, it may be several sticky notes, posted all over you. And the cool thing about those is that they are double sided. People in your environment(s) view them as do you. They (usually) get the memo, but for some reason, sometimes you forget. Was there ever that one time someone almost used a vulgar word and then suddenly put a hand over their mouth and apologized profusely? Ever had someone open the door for you with an extra wide smile? Hasn’t someone, at least once, approached you with a question or two about Islam?

I remember shopping at Marshalls, when I saw a young girl. She caught my attention because she had been grabbing for the same shawl I was about to place my fingers on. As I grimaced, she swiftly placed it atop her head and was busying herself with wrapping it. She turned to me and said “I want to wear it just like you!” She giggled and skipped to her mother, “Mommy, mommy, look!” My lips turned right side-up as I asked Allah to guide the young child to Islam.

Hasn’t hijab kept you from doing silly things as well? Hasn’t it served you efficiently as a clear cut boundary between right and wrong? It spares us the gray area, because, well, there are simply those things you don’t feel comfortable doing with a hijab on, like listening to music in the car, or giggling obnoxiously loud, or gossiping about those girls in your class.

So you decided to wear Hijab. You made up your mind – you want to be part of a great sisterhood – a movement – a nest of women, and so you start.

Your faith is revived, you remember Allah, you drive towards dawah in your actions, and you immerse in the essence of true femininity.

A few months later, you start hearing whispers. You start doubting your intentions. You wonder if you were wise in choosing the right time or biting off more than you can chew. You rethink your perception of Islam in your life. You ask whether this lifestyle or piece of cloth will interfere with your priorities and main goals in life. After all, you surely miss the wind blowing through your hair and the elegance of that topaz necklace hanging on your bare neck. It was modest enough you say to yourself. That’s when that piece of cloth becomes a hefty chore and our minds begin to feel a bit clouded and our purpose just a bit choked.

That is when we know it is time to ask: why am I wearing it again? What does it mean? This is the time to stare at yourself in the mirror for a moment or two longer as you pin it together—interrogating yourself for your purpose.

Sometimes those people that question us or smile in our faces lift our spirits, but it is vital that we maintain the purpose within ourselves. What if a whole month goes by and you feel like there’s ‘no effect.’ That is when you remember that you r hijab is for the inside just as much as it is for the outside.

Of course we all wear it because we know we are supposed to, but that doesn’t stop us from finding our individual reasons for relishing hijab. That shouldn’t stop us from being humbled by that piece of cloth we wrap around our head. It shouldn’t merely be a fashion statement, or an “oh by the way, I’m Muslim…” flag.

We need to remember that our hijab is a lot more than the visible physique. Hijab is a style of talking, walking, eating, building relationships, and overall carrying yourself. It is a way of being. It is a lifestyle. Before you think of how much of a reminder of God to other people you are, remember that that veil on your head is a reminder to YOU.

Your Hijab is a sticky note.

Humble yourself before it – for your Lord.

–Noha A. is a psychology student at the University of Miami. Although behavioral medicine intrigues her, its the University dawah activities and interfaith events that keep her spirit up during the day. She loves enriching her ’sisterhood experience’ by attending halaqas and spending quality time. Her dream is to become a pillar of the bridge that unites Muslims all around the world.