In the midst of studies and many more other things, a friend of mine brought up the topic of family relations and the preservation of the ties of kin. Subhana’Allah, this topic is one that concerns many of us, as none of us live in isolation but our surrounded but those who have rights upon us. Prior to sitting down and beginning to write about this particular topic, I personally had to sit down and actually really reflect; deeply reflect upon my own relations with close ones, as I know we all have room to perfect our relationships with our loved ones. When most think of relations and the ties of kinship, most think of parents and subhana’Allah in many verses of the Quran, when Allah azza wa jal talks of His oneness and worship, there are verses in which He follows it up with obedience/ihsaan to Parents, and that in essence shows the magnitude and the importance of adhering and implementing such a command.

Waith akhathna meethaqa banee israeela la taAAbudoona illa Allaha wabialwalidayni ihsanan wathee alqurba waalyatama waalmasakeeni waqooloo lilnnasi husnan waaqeemoo alssalata waatoo alzzakata thumma tawallaytum illa qaleelan minkum waantum muAAridoona

2:83 And remember We took a covenant from the Children of Israel (to this effect): Worship none but Allah. treat with kindness your parents and kindred, and orphans and those in need; speak fair to the people; be steadfast in prayer; and practise regular charity. Then did ye turn back, except a few among you, and ye backslide (even now).

• Wa Bi Wallidayni: and with the two parents, duel of the word waalid: waalid-one who gives birth, waaw laam daal. Waladah-to give birth, to have children. The two whose child a person is-mother and father.

• Ihsaanaa: utmost good: root: haa seen noon: husn-beauty. Ihsaan means to do something beautifully.
• Ihsaan is towards Allah and towards people as well. Worshiping Allah in a beautiful manner, and for the people is to do more than expected, do more than they deserve.
• Ihsaan is not something you give back-meaning you don’t expect something back for doing it.
• Also, it is when the other person treats you in a bad way, you still remain good to them-your dealing is with Allah and reward lies with Him. We know we have to be good to our parents, doing good to our parents doesn’t mean paying them back for their love and affection-it means being good to them and obey them all the time.
• It means doing good in different ways and thinking that you’ve never done enough, because the moment you start thinking you pay them back , you think you’ve done enough. (Refer to the story of the man who took his mother for Hajj, put her on his back, and thought he had done enough). Always do different things and in different ways for your parents.
• This means being good to them, being dutiful to them, being obedient to them, and even praying for their forgiveness. This also includes being good to those whom they love. Keeping company with them and with those they love and keeping relations with those whom they love.

How can you make your relationship with your parents a better one, and thus gain the love of Ar-Rahman?!

1.) Language of Love/ i.e communication: When I was a freshmen in college-still green, I remember taking this class on marriage and families-one of those awesome human development courses, and one of the topics we talked about was how you should learn the ways-language of communication that your partner has. In a lot of ways, looking back at this concept, this really rings true for parents. A lot of parents, especially from different countries show respect/love/and basically communicate emotion in totally different ways. All in all-express your feelings, physically, emotionally.

2.) Differentiate between ill feelings and just bad days: Again this goes back to knowing ones parents temperament and gauging when its to keep away and when to approach.

3.) Dua! In every salaah, make dua and hope that Allah enters both your parents into Jannah and for Allah to place and grow love between you. Along side with the dua which is the best gift of all-give material gifts as well, and bithniAllah this will go a long way in creating love and showing ones caring side.

4.) Respect their wishes: Ask yourself if Jannah is one side, and you wanting to stick strongly to an opinion about a certain topic is more important. I speak to myself before anything else-if anything you want to pursue in the dunya goes against the disobedience of your parents-and is not specifically related to Aqeedah issue, then know it’s not worth the fight. Harvest and sow your roots for Jannah today.

5.) Spend time with them: There is nothing more beloved to a parent then a child hanging with their parents-regardless if one is 30. Even if they don’t say it, trust me, parents dig it. If a friend asks you to go shopping or something along the lines and you know your mom is home alone, don’t be afraid to blow them off (politely) in saying that “dudette no, I am gonna go home and chill with my mom…because that is cool”.

About Rahma J: As a senior in her last year of middle childhood education,  she looks forward to being in cirlces of remembrance. When not in a classroom (teaching or being taught), she likes to have her head inside a book of some sort or immersed in the noble book of Allah . Overall, when not doing the above things, she can be found blogging.

Why are you shocked at my reaction? How else am I supposed to think and react when you set out to look for a life partner, only to act in a way that is beyond understanding? You don’t get it yet, do you? Let me break it down for you. First off, I am told you are looking for someone “short, fair and beautiful”. Wow, what a way to go! Would you like to order anything else on the side? Hmm, maybe morals and a loving heart? No? Too tricky… well then, your order should be ready in a while – minus the flavorings and peace that you seek in marriage, sir!

I think someone in your family forgot to tell you what marriage really is about. Sure, everyone wants their spouse to be pleasing to the sense of sight but is that all there is to it? Did you think to ask if I care for the One Who made me? How did you decide my physical beauty was proof enough for a shining character, a tender heart? Does the fairness of my skin guarantee you’ll find comfort with me when you are down in the dumps? Am I merely a “trophy wife”, meant to appease your social circle? Am I that enchanting accessory you’ll take along to social events, to show off the success of your matrimonial hunt?

Don’t think I am writing this because I am among the group of girls you classify as “not beautiful” (let’s leave out the word ‘ugly‘, shall we?). Even by your very own flawed definition of “beauty”, I’d probably be eligible but right now, it isn’t about me. It’s about you for the moment. Let’s talk beauty now, if we must, and let’s go by your definition. Tell me, are you as handsome, in degrees, as the beautiful bride you seek? Are you tall and fair with a perfect nose and blue eyes? Are you the athletic type? I’ll stop here because it disgusts me to continuously talk about beauty on so superficial a level.

However, my real aim in this monologue is something more worthwhile to be talking about. I don’t know if you’ll ever hear this from anyone else so I’ll help you out and let you know what you should be looking for in a girl. I intend not to preach to you but to show you what you are sorely missing out on. Marriage was never meant as a means to snag the prettiest lady on the market, at least not in our Deen. The Prophet(saw), who excelled in all aspects of his life, pointed it out for young eligible bachelors like yourself that the best lady you’ll ever have for a life-partner would be the pious one. That’s the girl who cares enough about her Rabb that she takes His Words as supreme and His Messenger(saw)’s life as her guide. And guess what? It’s your gain all the way. Let’s see how…

You take the lead:

She’s the one who will accept you as her Qawaam from day one. That’s right – she’ll see you as more than just a life-partner but as someone to look up to, to learn from, to work together with in raising your little family. If you ask her to do something that’s within the limits of the Shariah, she won’t scoff at it and call you a “male chauvinist”! For the girl who is knowledgeable about her duties as a wife in Islam, her husband takes the top-seat on the priority list (when it comes to giving rights) and not her own relatives, friends or coworkers.

Your joy is her joy:

You read that right. A life partner who is keen to please Allah(swt) knows her joys lie in the peace and comfort she can provide to you. Do you think she’s going to be happy when you’re upset or troubled by something? No way – she’s going to do whatever she can to make your life comfortable. When you come home from work, exhausted, she won’t rush to you with all her problems but meet you with a smile, hiding her own issues back for later, when you‘ve rested. Sure, she’s not a robot and has her own likes and dislikes too but many a time, she’ll lovingly forego what she wants, seeking your happiness and through that, Allah(swt)’s Pleasure.

You’re the man… the *only* man:

A pious lady who obeys the command of Allah(swt) to restrain her gaze (that applies to men too, by the way) won’t let her sight drift towards other men she comes across. The moment she gives her consent in the Nikah, there’s no other person for her but you. Yes, that’s how (most) girls are, practicing Muslim girls more so – the idea of ever marrying someone else is something abhorrent to them if their husband is a decent and caring guy (even by very average standards). In fact, you won’t find the righteous wife drooling over male celebrities either, as is so common today!

So that means, when you overhear your coworker voice a suspicion that his wife is involved in an affair with someone, you would know for sure – as if it was engraved in stone – that your wife would never do that, if she really is conscious of Allah(swt). If you don’t know how much peace that brings to the husband, to know his household is built on stable foundations, ask those who’ve grown up in broken homes or someone whose spouse deserted them for another.

You win, most times!

One piece of advice wise mothers and female relatives give the young girl on her marriage is to avoid pointless arguments and disputes with her husband as much as she can. In case of the believing Muslim woman, who knows the high merit of forgiveness and tolerance, this achieves greater heights. Even when you storm off in anger over something that displeased you, she’ll conceal her hurt and meet you with a smile the next day.

You did something that was obviously wrong and she knew she was right, yet she’ll make the move to compromise with you, if not brushing off the matter altogether. Yes, husbands make compromises too but the focus is on the pious wife and how she views her relationship, the ups and the downs, with you and how she chooses to react.

You are not alone:

It’s not only when you’re happy and carefree that your righteous wife would meet your needs. Have you ever thought about those moments in life where everything seems bleak? Nothing seems to work out, all plans and ideas fail in succession. Some people suffer terrible blows to their self-esteem and confidence when they suddenly lose their job. Or imagine the pain that the passing away of a near relative causes. Who will comfort you and hold you up in those dark moments better than your closest companion in life, the woman who knows it is her duty to Allah(swt) to support you?

Your pain is her pain. Your joy, your peace and your success is what gives real joy to the pious woman. She doesn’t bundle up the kids in the car and drive off to her parents’ home when difficult times strike you. She digs in her heels and refuses to leave you at the mercy of your troubles. Forget the bigger issues, she’ll be careful if you have so much as a slight headache. Knowing the Prophet(saw)’s Hadith about the woman whose husband would be so pleased with her that she will enter Jannah because of it, she’ll grab every opportunity to qualify for that prize.

Your secrets are safe with her:

If you feel I have been too idealistic so far, I’ll shift on to something that’s a real and accepted part of every relationship: disagreements. Two people who care for each other are, nevertheless, not immune to disputes. However, while your friend’s wife raises a racket and makes it known to the world how she was wronged by him and how terrible a person he is, your wife’s reaction will be totally opposite to that. You’ll have a fallout with her and she won’t even tell her parents, let alone any one else, what went on. She might huff and puff, let out the anger before her Rabb during her prayer but, with common everyday disagreements that are a part of life, it won’t leave the four walls of your home.

That means your reputation, your respect in the eyes of people around you will not suffer at the hands of your wife. In fact, it’s more likely that she’ll cover up for your faults as best as she can, knowing that no human being is perfect. She will recall the examples from the pious people before her, how they managed their relationships, even when one of the spouses had issues with the other.

Your family is cared for:

Even though it isn’t her duty, a Muslimah who’s wise and understands the delicate inter-relationships after marriage will not only take care of you but also take care of those important to you. From in-laws to distant relations, her aim would be to keep things comfortable and pleasant for everyone so that, at the end of the day, it is you (yeah, read that again, please!) who will find peace of mind in the healthy environment around you.

Sure, it won’t always be all happy and dandy because that’s how human beings are but unnecessary arguments, holding grudges for year upon year… that’s not what the Allah-conscious woman would ever do. The pious woman who’s read the Ahadith about the rewards in store for the one who mends ties and does Ihsan will try to make sure she grabs those opportunities to keep warm family ties, even with people who’re not easy to get along with.

You have a helping hand:

The best example I have for this is Fatimah(ra), the Prophet(saw)’s daughter. When her husband Ali (ra) could not afford to have a servant, she did not make a big fuss over it. Instead, she rolled up her sleeves and did all that was required to do, all by herself. She would toil at her own expense, shared his burden and tried to run the household as best as she could, within her means.

Today, with the global recession tightening its grip on households where the husband is the sole breadwinner, the value of a helping hand from the wife is appreciable. She isn’t required to work but if she does so, for the sake of her family in tough financial conditions, it is a major act on her part – and she would do whatever her situation allowed her, in pursuit of Allah(swt)’s Pleasure.

After putting all this down in words, I feel even more sad for you. You’re setting out to marry a girl with her superficial aspects being your basic priority while what will really benefit you is much deeper. You are willing to settle for only part of the joys that marriage brings while being at real risk of losing out on the more lasting share. This is because superficial beauty will fade with time but the love that builds on sincerity, caring and forgiving one another will only strengthen as the years go by. Over all, the wife who is sensible and knows her job description given by Allah(swt) will manage herself, her children and her household in the best way possible, ultimately bringing peace and tranquility to the two of you and those around you. If that isn’t what marriage is about, I don’t know what is!

As for the irritation I felt and expressed, do not think it is because I am worried about staying single or that your failed proposal makes me concerned about the future. What is written for each one of us, will surely come our way and we can neither hasten it, nor delay it. My hopes are in Allah(swt) Who defined my future role for me. As for me, I’ll take on that role for the person who seeks such a spouse in the first place. It is for the one seeking a pious partner that I would feel any respect and love – the foundation for a lasting relationship. What I really feel sorry for is that you, and so many others like you, are robbing yourselves of the greatest joy in life…

The Prophet(saw) said, “The whole world is a provision and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.”

You could marry a prince, live in a nice castle and never have to lift your fingers again to wash a dish, but no matter how much money and maids and servants, there is one thing you must do alone: meet his needs.

Yes, his needs. Your man is looking forward to a wife who will take care of him and serve him. Sure sure…. He will never say that in the initial “interview” you will have together or in any of the follow up conversations. I can guarantee you though, that this is deep down one of their wishes. To have a wife who does the following:

- Looks pretty every day

- Makes good food

- Keeps the place organized and tidy

- Serves him without him asking

- Listens to him when he speaks intently

- Sits near him while he unwinds

- Accommodates him when he is tired/stressed/etc.

- Meets his needs for physical intimacy

It is a bonus that you are strong in your Deen, active in the community, and highly educated.

Is this ruffling any of your feathers? “Wait, did she say a bonus?”

When a woman is prized for her Deen, as the Prophet, salalahu alayhe wa sellum, said this is the best reason to marry a woman, do we imagine that this righteous Muslimah would NOT do all of the above in my list? Without that, though, most men, around the globe, still want (if not expect) that list to become a reality.

I understand that you have been raised to focus on education, and to think of marriage in terms of equality.

I realize what I am saying doesn’t sound all “progressive.”

And that is precisely why I am right.

Men, in general, are all similar in what they want in a wife. Regardless of the times, they haven’t changed much over the centuries. (and believe it or not, that goes for the western culture around us too!)

And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

The fairytale only focuses on the girl. It shows how she gets lifted onto the horse, danced with, sought after, and so forth. Regular Hollywood (and I would gather Bollywood too?) also has the theme of a man enamored with his love for a woman, and its “all about her.”

There the story stops, you walk away in dream land, wiping off the happy tears.

Can we now fast forward a bit?

Now, where is the part where we see her sacrificing for her husband?

It might be the day (or days!) he is stressed because his project at work isn’t going as planned and she has to stifle her small list of complaints for a few days.

Or maybe the night he wants her to stay up late to spend intimate time with him, even though she was planning on turning in early that night.

Her sacrifice may come in letting him make a decision she isn’t %100 about, but needs to respect his position as leader of the family.

Or maybe it is her actually focusing when he speaks about his last speed on his jog, patent at work, or vision for the economic future of China.

It’s not just about you. He has his own set of fantasies about what it means to have a wife, and what he will gain for his marriage to you. And no one can meet those needs, wants, or desires except you.

It is important to begin from now thinking about how you can and will, insha’Allah, contribute to the life of another human being, namely, your husband. It is wise to accept what is, and learn how to be flexible and compromise so you can be you, and also be who is dreaming about too.

The goals do not cancel each other out.

The sooner you allow yourself to have a heart that is focused on the happiness of someone else, the more likely it is that your husband may very well continue to sweep you off your feet!

I think many brothers are getting a bad rap these days because they still have “traditional” values (and no, I do not meet backwards cultural concepts) and want a solid family life. If you can stop being intimidated by their requests for a traditional wife, you may find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

That fairytale all begins with accepting that he has needs just like you, a vision and an idea of what makes him happy, and being willing to fill a different set of shoes.

And that is where adventure, love, and beautiful sunsets are really found. The art of compromise, selfless giving, and love that comes without strings attached.

We’ll begin that story, another day insha’Allah.

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

There is a reason that fairytales continue to be read generation after generation. There are elements of truth in them, and specifically, the Brothers Grimm, which breakdown the level of evil a human heart can reach. Fortunately, good always conquers evil.

In the tale of the frog prince, if you recall, there is a princess who has promised the frog he can be near her after he retrieves her golden ball she lost down in the well.

A promise being a promise, she had to keep this frog near. In the version of the story I read, the princess was young, and she detested having the frog eat her dinner with her and sleep on her bed. Eventually, she began to like the frog enough to kiss it goodnight. After this, he transformed into a dashing young prince. And you know the rest, marriage and happily ever after.

This seems like a bit of a stretch, but I would say that this is a lot like marriage and true love J

Your marriage is a covenant between you, your husband, and Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. I think that is a lot stronger than a promise to have and to hold, through sickness and in health. It’s all of those famous lines and more.

What if I told you that there will come a time when sharing dinner and the bed with your husband, no matter how amazing he is, will feel like, well, like having a frog around?

It will happen. I mean come on, you fought with your siblings growing up, right? Do you really think you can live with someone day in and day out and never have a disagreement, a cold shoulder, be tired of their smelly socks, or feel utter frustration?

I know that as Muslims we want to live in ideals and think that we will never get upset, we will follow the Sunnah to a “t” and just be these loving and super patient creatures. What could there be to possibly fight over?

Let me remind you of the man who came to the house of Umar ibn Khattab to ask for advice, but left when he reached the door. Umar came out to ask him why he was leaving, and the man replied that he was coming for advice about his wife, but he sees Umar has the same problem! The wife of Umar was yelling at him J

And we all love that beautiful part in the story where Aisha, Um al Mumineen, breaks the dish in front of dinner guests out of her jealousy for another woman’s dish that was there before hers.

You should never stop struggling to improve your character, habits, and way of being. This is because it is part of your journey towards Allah, subhanahui wa ta’ala, which is to be sincere and in a state of consistent growth, learning, and implementation.

But you are who you are. And you will never be perfect.

That being said, your husband is who he is too. And he will never be perfect.

Sometimes, you may simply have to kiss him out of the goodness of your heart, and reach beyond the external. “Magic” can and does happen in moments like that. Being able to reach beyond the surface, beyond the moment is part of true love.

Love is the cultivation of a friendship, of connection, and to be invested in the growth of another human being.

Love isn’t about you.

Love is giving unconditionally.

Love is acting lovingly when you don’t feel like it.

Love is learning to be vulnerable.

Love is not always being right.

Love doesn’t thrive in the weed bed of insecurities.

Love flourishes in the garden of openness and trust.

There is nothing more beautiful than real love. This is why it is more beautiful than the “in love,” stage. That stage feels amazing, but it is about feelings. It is not strong, dependable, and reliable.

Real love is making a choice where to direct your heart, and to whom.

Yes, true love, true passion, true romance, is a choice.

Love is making a decision to go beyond yourself.

Love is realizing that someone else is not responsible for your happiness, and therefore you are free to love, not dependant on getting love.

Love is always seeing the big picture, and returning to what truly matters and is not consumed and obsessed only with what is and is not being given to you in someone elses’s time, energy, focus, attention, and giving.

Please understand, I am not saying that you will not be given all those things in a healthy marriage. If both people are working together to cultivate true love, then you will have something far greater than the fairytale.

What I really want to help you understand, though, is that it is a process, a work always in progress.

Most of you I, would guess, are not prepared to imagine that there is a responsibility of work once your foot is in the door of marriage with your husband. This may all seem to fly right over your head, especially if you believe you are in love.

Let me give you a different example that is more easily accepted.

Before you have your first baby, like most responsible women who want to be good mothers, you would read about the development of your baby while in the womb. You would watch what you eat, take better care of yourself, because there is a tiny miracle growing inside of you.

Before that little bundle of joy is born, insha’Allah, you will have read through the first 9 months of a baby’s life. You want to be prepared for what things will be like when they arrive. Chapter after chapter you will read about their sleep schedule, your need to be flexible, how to breast feed, complications that can arise and how to solve them, how to bathe a baby, tell when its hungry or just cold, and finally what to do if they never stop crying. Baby books even warn mothers how to avoid burnout, and to let them know from now that you may very well feel emotionally overwhelmed, and therefore, how to get help and support.

All of this you will read before that baby ever comes into this world. When that baby becomes your reality, if you are well read, you will be better prepared.

How come marriage is different?

Few people ever educate themselves about marriage. The reason, repeating myself again, is because of the belief in the fairytale. You think if you marry the right person, everything will just fall into place, forever.

If you haven’t done so yet, now is another opportunity to let the fairytale die.

Instead, begin to envision what an amazing marriage looks like that is built upon real love.

Imagine the kind of person you want to be, and discover where you are right now on the path of personal growth.

Love will come. Love will come. Love will come.

Let go of your fears. When you find Mr. Right, love will be there so long as you remember that he must choose to love you, and you must choose to love him, and making a decision is far more romantic than taking action just because of a feeling.

When the “in love,” part begins to fade, you will then be able to look deeply into his eyes, and see a man who has committed himself to love you, take care of you, honor you, and maintain you for the rest of his life to the best of his abilities, regardless of how he feels that morning.

That is man hood.

Anything short of that, then you may find a man who will start up a relationship with e female co worker because he had “feelings for her.”

Trust in Allah, and trust in the journey. Begin to prepare from now learning about marriage, how to find Mr.Right, and what to do when you finally meet him so he’ll propose to you!

Then, you can ride off into the sunset with Ameer Charming, and right at that moment, is when you’ll learn something new about him.

We’ll introduce this one after you enjoy the ride and the scenic landscape a bit…..

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Hollywood is full of love stories in nearly every film. Love stories that are about finding the right person, and after that, it’s smooth sailing. Love is beautiful. Love feels amazing. Love, however, is not something that just happens. It never has been, and it never will be. That part of the fairytale is an absolute lie.

Yes, a lie.

Falling “in love” exists, but what we need to in cover here is the difference between feelings of love, and true love itself.

Real love is an action, and real love is developed and maintained by consistent actions and effort.

Real love can only exist when then the “in love” feeling begins to fade away. Absolutely, hands down, it will fade away.

Your feelings will change.

Not knowing this simple fact right here is leading many Muslim couples to divorce.

One day, you will wake up, and look at the person next to you and wonder if you made the right choice. Believe it or not, this is normal.

And chances are you didn’t make the wrong choice. It’s just that the in-love feelings are beginning to fade. The rose colored glasses are beginning to become clear, and you now very clearly see you married someone who is very much human. You married a man who has flaws, weaknesses, needs, and makes mistakes. You may begin to discover that you don’t seem to agree on anything anymore, that you have different preferences, and that things don’t feel as fun these days.

I know what you are thinking. “That won’t happen to me because…”

Because you will defy the laws of true love? You can, and you will find yourself feeling very much unloved.

Here is what is great about what I am telling you. When the lovey-dovey feelings begin to fade away, the opportunity for tremendous growth becomes available to you and your marriage.

Real life begins, and alhamdulellah for this. Remember, that marriage is not an end goal in and of itself, but rather a means to get you closer to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. One must assume that this person who is to become one of the most significant people in your life is going to be here to test you as well.

Tests are given to us to reveal the true nature of our hearts. So with a kind and loving husband, you are being tested in your consistency to be grateful, pleasant, and your willingness to sacrifice in return. In moments where your husband and you feel like you are on opposite side of a valley you are being tested in your patience, willingness to put your ego down and work through a challenge in the best of manners.

In all circumstances there is an opportunity before you.

The reality, however, is that many people are not prepared for these opportunities. When they arrive they begin to think their fairytale is actually a nightmare, and they are in the wrong role.

Fairytales lead us into a world of beauty, where love conquers all. Fairy tales, aren’t just the stories we read or watched as children. They are the magazines, the love songs, the movies, and the buzz that fills our minds and hearts on a daily basis. The problem with all of these sources is that they severely lack depth.

The human experience is a complicated one. One day we feel happy, the next down in the doldrums. One week the world is beautiful, the following, the world seems a dark and frightening place to be. One day your husband is Mr. Perfect, the next day an insensible jerk.

Nothing in this life is constant but change.

When you look for a husband, I am not telling you that the beautiful fairytale introduction to your life together is impossible. What I am asking you to understand, is that happily ever after simply seemed the fastest way to end the fairy tale before the author had to write a 9 part epic into their marital life.

If you are ready to accept that “happily ever after,” is a long phrase that translates to “and they worked day and night at building an awesome marriage and partnership, weathering the storms of life, each others weirdness and quirks, and did this until they day they died, then you are mentally ready for your own version of the fairytale.

Once you are ready, there is something important you now need to know. We’ll begin that next lesson with a frog…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

Do you remember that part in the movie where the Little Mermaid decides that she has to marry this strange human guy she saved on the beach? Well, maybe she didn’t say she had to marry him from the get go, but she, in all her fascination, falls in love with him from that brief encounter (here we go again.)

Now honestly, I know he was supposed to be all handsome and what not, but this story is a classic example of one of the top reasons both women and men marry.

For women, it’s about escaping from something. Like some motives of sisters I know, it’s about getting a life of their own away from Daddy, and on to better places. We spend the whole movie feeling pity for this poor little mermaid who just wants to be “part of their world,” and this guy is going to get her there.

(For men, it’s about “her voice,” or her pretty face, or some other appendage on her physical body. They see beauty and they think perfection on a silver platter. So that I don’t digress, I am going to save this for another article!)

And no, I am not blind to the fact that we could draw many other analogies on this topic (now that my brain is churning) and think about how her father who loves her so much is perhaps too much “set in his ways” to allow her to consider something outside their “cultural” norm. He clearly loves Ariel, but wants her to forget about hopes and dreams that he thinks aren’t meant for her.

None the less, my job is to ask you to focus on your motives for marriage. Paying the role of the escapist is incredibly self centered and very unfair to the man who would marry you.

Marriage is, again, not a fairy tale, but a real life daily drama with you as the star role. There is daily work to be done to have a happy, balanced marriage, and if your deepest objective was to escape something, no matter how perfect your man who rescues you is, there are going to be issues.

For example, maybe you want to escape social pressure, because everyone else is getting married, you simply “have to,” so the aunties won’t talk behind your back, so you can talk about wedding dresses, booking hotels, and taste wedding cakes too. Now here comes a long this great brother who has been preparing years to be ready for a wife, and he ends up marrying you who is just looking to follow a social trend. Of course, you aren’t saying that to yourself out loud, but deep down you know the real reason.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Another example would be if you live with a father who you feel is out of touch with modern day reality, and you are looking to just escape his authority and his house rules. Marriage seems like a clean break, because then your obedience shifts to your husband instead, and you imagine that nothing will be worse than your father. Let me fast forward your life on this one. The stakes are pretty high that you will marry someone just like your father, and end up more miserable because instead of marrying as a whole person, you married the most available person who seemed decent enough, and you wind up miserable down the road, one child in your arms, and another clinging to your dress, staring at yourself in the mirror wondering how it is you married someone just like your father. There is no one to blame but yourself my dear.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Marriage in Islam does not prevent love, and a deep connection between spouses. It encourages friendship, romance, affection, kind words, even flirtatiousness and most definitely kind compromise and mercy.

At the end of the day, though, marriage is a means to end. Marriage is not an “end” in and of itself. You are on a journey back to Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is the end you are to pursue, and marriage should be a means to support you on that path.

If you marry for selfish reasons, for reasons that involve needing just to escape, how likely do you think that you will support your spouse in their ‘ibadah?

You cannot live in dreams and fairytales.

This may very well be the death of it in your heart, but the truth is that marriage does not fix what is broken in your life.

If I have learned anything as a wife, it would be to share with you that marriage highlights what is broken, what is in need of repair and attention, but it never makes it go away.

Whatever you are running from will haunt you until you look within yourself and find a deeper meaning in your life, and a greater connection with your Lord who created you. He is, after all, in control of the affairs of your life.

Think of all those fairytale princesses who were victims before they got married. Cinderella, in the classic version I read, said she can’t tell her father how mean her step-mother is because “he would be angry as he was ruled by his wife anyhow.” Snow White also has, apparently, a father who is not a real man because his new wife runs her off into the woods out of jealousy. They are passive victims who only find happiness when a man shows up.

Whatever people you are trying to please will not be satisfied once you are married. Once married the social pressures do not end. After this, people who are shallow find an even longer list of things to judge you with. It might be asking when you will get pregnant, or judging how good of a cook you are, the apartment you live in, and the car your drive. Trust me. If it’s about people, you will never ever win.

Who do you want to be when you get married?

Begin to think about marriage as a means to the correct end, and with that in mind, let’s move on to our next piece of intellectual candy….

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

If you are waiting for Prince Charming, or as I like to call him “Ameer Charrrrming” (roll those r’s!) to come and whisk you away in into the land of happily-ever-after, all I have to say, is “uh oh.”

You are about to be one damsel in distress. Sure, you may not be locked up in a tower somewhere, screaming for help. You will, however, have locked yourself into a cage and thrown away the key yourself the moment you think that someone else is responsible for your happiness.

I know what you are thinking. “Is she saying that having someone else in my life isn’t supposed to make me happy?”

Of course it should bring you happiness. Of course sharing your life, the most beautiful moments of your being with another person who witnesses your path in life, should bring happiness into your life.

The truth is, though, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Not him, no matter how charming. No matter how sweet. No matter how smart. No matter how good looking.

At the end of the day, it comes down to who you are, not who he is that will determine your happiness.

The mistake so many people make is that they are searching the world over for someone to complete them, without realizing that this isn’t possible.

Contrast this concept with Islam. Here we are told that spouses are like garments to each other. Spouses cover each other, protect and nourish each other, but that “other” is not a dependant.

You see, many people see relationships in a way that resembles parasites. I know this is kind direct, but let’s get to the point.

It’s all about you. Your whole focus in finding Ameer Charming is to think lf all of things he will give you, and do for you. You can’t have and won’t have so many things, you think, until he comes along and you are hitched.

You may very well find Mr. Amazing, and he may be a girl’s dream come true. But you are going to be his Ms.Parasite, because nothing he will ever do will be enough for you.

So let me repeat this to you: your happiness depends on you and you alone.

You decide how much gratitude you want to focus on in your life so you see the cup overflowing instead of constantly empty.

You decide how much you will appreciate all the things he does for you and you decide if you will be a person who focuses on what is always not perfect.

You decide how much love you will give unconditionally without expecting something in return, and you decide if you want a relationship of tit-for-tat.

You decide if you will try to control his friends, his decisions, his free time because of your own insecurities and you decide if you will trust him and learn how to be vulnerable (more on that later.)

You decide if you will be dedicated to Allah, follow the Sunnah of His Messenger (saw) and be a stronger Muslimah regardless of whether or not his iman is at a high or a low, and regardless of whether or not he has the ability to be a teacher and you a perpetual student.

The choice is yours.

I pray you do find Ameer Charming, and I pray that when he finds you, you are already working on a wholesome happiness that belongs to you and you alone.

No matter the fairytale in your head, there is always reality which is going to smack you up side the head! I mean, whoever imagines that the really nice, attractive, religious, pious brother snores loud enough to compete with a lawn mower?

Exactly. J

If this is all about you, and only you, then that white knight/mujahid who is going to come is going to disappoint you my fair maiden.

This will lead us to our next thought in our quest for true love…

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

I think I am going to make a few enemies right now when I say that Disney is not my favorite place to find “halaified” entertainment. I have, over the years, grown utterly disgusted by all of the female roles that lead to a love affair turned marriage and the whole happily ever after thing.

My daughter, for example, who just turned seven keeps on asking me why I won’t show her the same cartoons “everyone at school gets to watch.” She was particularly interested in Cinderella. Aside from the pretty blue dress, she really wanted to know what the big deal was all about. She shyly admitted to me that she found a Cinderella book at her Islamic school (produced with Disney images of course) and she looked through the book, seeing the kiss scene and all.

With a sigh, realizing that this was coming sooner than expected, I decided to tell her what happened and why I don’t like this story.

My conversation went something like this:

“Mama, just tell me what the story is about. Why don’t you like it!”

“Alright, here is what happens. A girl named Cinderella gets all dressed up and goes to a dance. She wears this pretty blue dress, and meets a man and dances with him…”

“Oh, that’s not ok. She wasn’t in hijab, and she danced. Is dancing even ok mama? “

“Well its not ok for us in public for sure in front of a bunch of men we don’t know”

“so then what happened?”

“Well, at midnight she has to go home, and on her way out rushing to get to her carriage, she dropped a glass slipper, or shoe with tall heels, on the staircase. The man she danced with, a complete stranger, finds the shoe. He then spend lots and lots of time looking aaaaaaall over the kingdom for the girl who’s foot fits into this special shoe. Finally one day, he comes to where Cinderella lives, and the shoe fits her foot, and then they get married.”

“oh…”

“Now, does she even know anything about this guy? Does he have good character, how will he treat her. She doesn’t know a thing about him, but because of this stupid shoe, she is going to marry him and he is going to marry her and live happily ever after.” I think that a girl should higher standards than that! “

“standards?”

“yes, standards…meaning that you should have certain things you want in a husband, and not just go after any guy because of a dance and a shoe. Don’t you agree?”

“yea, that sounds wrong mama..”

So, my seven year old gets it, and I pray that Allah keeps her heart matched up with her head to see things clearly in her life. Ameen.

But what about you? Maybe it wasn’t a glass slipper, but is there some brother out there you are thinking about marrying, or want to marry, or are arguing with your parents about marrying and truth is, you have no real idea why?

Hold on. Don’t bite my head off with defensive comments. I was simply asking a question J

Truthfully, though, I have found over and over again that when someone is asked why they love someone, the answer is “well, I just do! He is so nice, and kind, and just….I just love him…”

Ok, so we have:

1) He is nice

2) He is kind

3) You love him.

I know it is Sunnah to be concise with words, and wow, that even worked out to be an odd number too, but this list is too short, and too vague.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to mock you. I am simply asking you to see how it looks from the outside.

See, falling in love is much like Cinderella. You meet a brother, interact with him, maybe once, maybe from time to time, maybe often, but in all circumstances one thing is clear – you don’t really know a thing about him,

You know that he makes you feel good.

You know that he makes you smile inside.

You know that you like the conversation you had.

You know you like the idea of him and you.

And you know it’s not because he is “religious.”

Truthfully, all you know is that you like how you feel and the ideas in your head. Not once did you stop to find out if your imagination matched up with a potential reality.

When you fall in love, you are falling in love with a person who is giving you special attention, special treatment, special feelings, special expressions, and special opportunities.

No doubt, it feels amazing.

But things are special right now only because you are special. You are special because you are something rare, new, different, and therefore, well, special.

What will happen when conversations aren’t doled out like a piece of chocolate, only one a day since you will wake up next to him every day?

What will happen when he doesn’t always make you smile because he is stressed about work, the phone bill, and your two year old who is screaming?

What will happen when happily ever after is nothing more than a mirage in your imagination?

Real life doesn’t take place on gchat.

What then?

It is easy to fall in love, oh so easy. It is easy to love mystery, secrecy, ideas, and intangible thoughts.

It is easy to feel butterflies, daydream, and feel warm fuzzies when you think of him.

So long as you don’t mind falling and falling and falling, you can spend your life falling in love, hitting the ground, and then finding another edge to fall from again.

If you are searching for real love, then it’s time to recycle the glass slipper, and prepare for the death of the fairytale.

This is where the noble quest for true love begins……

(Megan Wyatt is currently a faculty member and speaker for PRACTIMATE’s new pre-marital training program for sisters aged 25-30 called “Find Your Mr.Right” For more information, you can visit http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight )

So, would you call these two good friends? Brother and sister maybe? Boyfriend and girlfriend? As with many cases in the Muslim community, this is a confused pseudo-marriage framed under the guise of friendship or an innocent brotherly bond. As the two become lax in their interaction, their hearts naturally – albeit unintentionally – gravitate towards each other, their minds become occupied with each other, and one or both parties eventually develop feelings that either remain trapped or expressed and acted upon unlawfully. With their increasing closeness and intimacy, the special reserves of loyalty, emotional sentiments and halaal physical attraction may be exhausted before their rightful outlet in marriage. If they end up not getting married and search elsewhere for a partner, they may never be content because they can’t resist comparing potential spouses with their former “friend”. Even if they eventually marry someone else, they will always have a history, and sometimes Shaytan can push them to reconnect and rekindle that past relationship during marriage.

It is no wonder why our wise Creator `azza wa jall, who is well aware of our natures and inclinations, says in the Qur’an “…Nor of those who take (boy)friends…(4:25). With many commands and prohibitions in Islam, Allah has mercifully forbade the prerequisite acts that would lead to major sins. He is protecting us from Shaytan and from falling prey to our desires, which saves us the emotional distress and painful regret that often come as a consequence to disobedience.

It’s also no wonder why it is purer and more chaste for both men and women to lower their gaze when speaking to those of the opposite gender (24:30-31), and to focus only on the tasks necessitating their communication. Remember Musa (`alayhissalam ) with the two daughters of Shu`ayb? Their interaction and communicating was exuding hayaa’ and self-respect; Musa (as) never struck personal, unwarranted conversation with them and when one of the daughters informed Musa (as) that her father is inviting him to reward him for his assistance, she walked (and spoke) with utmost modesty and dignity.

One of the greatest manifestations of modesty and also a safeguard to indecent conduct is the Muslimah’s Islamic dress. Besides obeying Allah and the Messenger’s commands in wearing loose, non-transparent, non-perfumed clothing, the attire brings with it an entire set of behavioral traits that the Muslim woman finds befitting to uphold. She is no longer comfortable mingling with men, joking and laughing loudly with them – or behaving in any way that may ignite their desires. Her taqwa (God-consciousness) and hayaa’ with Allah become embodied in all her mannerisms – her body language, how she speaks and carries herself – and reminds her of amicably maintaining the boundaries that Allah and the Messenger (peace be upon him) would be pleased with.

There is a profound hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him), which if practiced and truly believed in, can adorn our lives with blessings and many successes. It states: “There is nothing that you leave out of God-consciousness except that Allah will compensate you with something better” (Ahmad). We all long for acceptance and relationships that quell our loneliness and make us feel needed and loved. Perhaps if we devote our lives to increasing our love for Allah and gaining His love in return, He will bless us with halaal relationships that will be the greatest source of happiness, love, loyalty and compassion in this life and the better one to come.

Naiyerah Kolkailah’s hometown is San Luis Obispo, California, where she received her Bachelor’s Degree in Biology and Religious Studies in 2008. She formerly taught Arabic, Qur’an and Islamic Studies in her local community, and is currently pursuing higher education in Arabic and Islamic Studies in Doha, Qatar.

It was the fall of 2006, and I hadn’t seen Dawud in the two years it’d been since I’d left high school. We were in the same homeroom all four years, but moved in different circles and rarely spoke, outside one conversation senior year to commiserate over the difficulties of being two of only a handful of Muslims at our school three years after 9/11, charged with being the sole representatives of a faith that neither of us knew very much about. He opted to attend the local community college after graduation, while I moved up north for school, and so we hadn’t seen one another again.

Yet I would continue to muse over that conversation from time to time. It marked the start of an important stage in my life, where I realized that I had a responsibility as a Muslim to know more about my religion. I had also enjoyed Dawud’s conversation, and wished we’d spoken again. Especially now that I had seen him again, I wondered; had he also continued to think over the implications of being part of the Muslim minority in America? Was he active in the MSA back home? But what on earth was he doing in this town, and on my college campus? There were many questions in my mind, but one thing I was pretty sure about: Now that the years had added considerably to our experiences and knowledge, there was the potential for us to have many more great conversations.

***

The next day around noontime, the tall figure approaching the MSA table as I sat in the student union chatting with Mariam had clearly seen and recognized me as well.

“Hey, Fatima … that’s you, right?”

“Haha, whoa, Dawud Ali! Yeah, it’s me – how are you bro, and what are you doing here? What a suprise! As-salaamu `alaykum!”

“Wa `alaykum salaam, it’s been ages! Yeah, I’m actually a transfer, got into the business school and just started this semester. How have you been?” He looked exactly as he had in high school – meticulously groomed, designer clothing, and oh yes, a killer smile. We exchanged the normal pleasantries, and he asked me where campus jumuah was held. I drew a little map for him on the back of a flier for the halaqa coming up on Thursday.

“So just go through the doors on the right-hand side and either I or another of the officers will be setting up. We try to get the khateebs to finish by 2pm sharp so nobody’s late to class insha’Allah,” I said.

“I see you’ve gotten really involved in, y’know, the Muslim Student Association,” he said, shifting from one foot to the other and gesturing at nothing in particular. “That’s cool, you know, that’s really great,” he said in a hesitant tone, betraying his true feeling on the subject.

“Yeah, yeah… kinda found my niche after high school. You should come out sometime, you know? There’s always a few events after classes every week. And the halaqa on Thursday should be pretty good. Shaykh Tariq is awesome, and the topic is about preparing for Ramadan as a student,” I said.

“Yeah, for sure… I’m still getting into the flow of things but I’ll try to make it out sometime insha’Allah,” he said. “Well I’ve got class right now, but I’m sure I’ll run into you again sometime. I’ll try to make it out on Thursday. Salaam!”

“Wa `alaykum salaam wa rahmatullah,” I mumbled to his fast-retreating form. I stared into the space he had occupied for a few moments, and eventually my heart stopped beating my eardrums. It would take several moments more before my stomach stopped fluttering.

Well, there it was. I’d finally had a second conversation with Dawud, now that we were both older and more mature. So why did I feel like I was back in high school all over again?

I glanced self-consciously down at myself, the big black abaya I was wearing billowing ever so slightly in the wind, and felt a tinge of regret that I hadn’t been a bit more careful with my clothing selection this morning. I had abayas that fit a bit more nicely and in more flattering colors; why did I choose to wear the slightly fobby-looking, shapeless one with the funny embroidery on it? Careless; I probably looked so ridiculous to him, a far cry from the funky, attention-grabbing style I’d sported in high school. Without my big earrings and hip-hugging jeans, I was hardly recognizable as the same person.

***

He showed up on Thursday. After the lecture was over, he caught up with me in the hallway as I headed out of the classroom.

“Hey Salaam Fatima!”

“Wa `alaykum salaam, how’s it going Dawud?”

“Doing pretty good, thanks. Yourself?”

“I’m good, ‘hamdillah. How’d you like the lecture?”

“Not bad, not bad. … This sorta thing’s not really up my alley, but he kinda put an interesting twist on it, so that was cool.”

“Yeah, I think he has really good insights sometimes, masha’Allah. You should hear his khutbahs, he fits an amazing amount of info in such a short time.”

“Ah, well I guess I’ll see on Friday. Hey, I was gonna ask you, have you eaten dinner yet? Do you wanna grab something on our way out? We should catch up.”

I knew he hadn’t come to the MSA table for jumuah directions.

“Oh I’m actually about to head home with my roommate, we’ve got a midterm tomorrow bro,” I said, groping for the words that I had to say, but having difficulty finding them.

“Oh, what about tomorrow night then?”

“Uh there’s a sister’s movie night thing tomorrow…” For goodness’ sake! I spoke to interfaith groups all the time, even talked to journalists about Islam. Why was it so difficult for me to explain my position on a simple matter to my Muslim brother?

“Wow, you’re a pretty busy woman!” He smiled – and I looked into the source of my difficulty. I took a deep breath and tried to sound casual.

“Haha, yeah I know … between classes and MSA events, I can hardly find time to sleep! And like, even when I don’t have stuff to do for class or MSA, I just try to chill with my roommates or some of the freshmen and sophomore sisters. Like, when I was a freshman there were some great sisters in the MSA that chilled with me and made me feel like less of a freak for not hanging out with guys and stuff, you know? So I’m kinda trying to provide that same kinda support for the younger sisters insha’Allah.”

“Yeah…” he said, a bit more out of respect than understanding. “Yeah, that’s cool.”

“Yeah,” I also said.

The silence set in slowly, like a sponge slowly sinking into the sea between us. I fidgeted with the fringe on my hijab and glanced over at my roommate, who was talking to another sister a few feet away as she waited for me so we could walk home together.

“Uh, well it’s pretty late, I should get going,” he said, breaking the silence. “Homework to do and all. I guess I’ll see you around then. Have a good night! Salaam,” he said, and walked away.

“Thanks bro. Wa salaams,” I said.

A line had been drawn in the sand. There would be no great conversations. And you know what? That was okay.