I demanded to know if this sister was doing all right, if she had considered calling the police or not and if my mom’s friend had ever thought to intervene.

“We can’t do too much,” she responded. “If we call the police, who knows? We might ruin their marriage for life.”

‘As if their relationship could even be called a marriage’, I thought. ‘I hope she gets help.’

What has changed is that in a scenario like that of my mom’s friend’s friend, I would not simply look at a woman and judge her for staying or not staying. I would not assume that there is no love between the couple or that they are facing bad times. However, I would know that there are many instances of underlying control, which is used by abusers to maintain their dominance in a relationship. I would not simply assume that the woman is weak and the man is strong (or in a different situation if the woman is the abuser, vice versa). Rather, there can be deeper issues of insecurity, unhealthy attachments, and a history of abuse within the individuals’ families.  What has indeed changed is that I would try to let the survivor know: you are not alone. It is not your fault. There is help available if you seek it.

What has, unfortunately, remained the same is the prevalence of domestic abuse in the larger community and specifically in our Muslim community. What has not changed is the ignorance and silence surrounding this issue. What has sadly not changed are myths surrounding abuse.

Abuse or assault is not an anger issue. It is an issue of control.

Abuse or assault is never the victim’s fault. It is always the fault of the aggressor.

What has remained the same since that scenario is that there is still silence and denial in the Muslim community that domestic violence and sexual assault exist. Just because we are striving to follow Islam, the beautiful religion of peace and submission to God, does not mean we as Muslims are perfect. On the contrary, abuse exists at the hands of even so-called ‘practicing’ Muslims.  Further, domestic abuse remains a taboo topic in society as a whole.  A woman in the United States is abused or raped every nine seconds, according to the American Medical Association.  Moreover, one in every four women has experienced abuse in their lifetime and one in every thirteen men have experienced abuse as well, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  If this traumatizing behavior exists at such a high rate, why are we still silent? Have we forgotten the Prophetic saying:

“Whoever sees something evil should change it with his hand. If he cannot, then with his tongue; and if he cannot do even that, then in his heart. That is the weakest degree of faith.” (Sahih Muslim)

We must remain vigilant of this issue, whether it is happening to us or whether it is happening to those around us. This involves breaking down myths.  One myth is that domestic abuse affects women only. This is not the case – men are affected too.  Another myth is that domestic abuse does not affect women who observe modest dress. This is not the case either.

So what can we do?

1. Never feel afraid to reach out, whether to a friend, family member, counselor or respected member of the community. If you feel an anonymous voice is better, local hotlines are available too.  On the other side of the coin, be a voice, be an ear, be aware of when abuse may be occurring in the community. It’s not your job to be Superman and ‘save’ the person; not at all, it is the individual’s choice and right to make a decision. But always leave the door of support open.
2. Educate ourselves about the signs of abuse and the cycle of violence. The Mayo Clinic lists a few key signs of abuse that are important to know and show that abuse is not only physical; it can also be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual.

3. Educate ourselves about the resources available in our communities. For instance, did you know that there are 24-hour crisis hotlines available? Did you know there is a wealth of knowledge out there, even grounded in Islamic perspectives?

4. Increase our reliance on and relationship with our Creator, Allah (swt). We will be rewarded for bearing this test, for our struggles, our patience and resilience. But our patience should not lead to inaction. Our reliance on God comes with the responsibility that we do what we can and Allah takes care of the result. But if we are not even trying to change our situation, remember: “Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Qur’an 13:11)

5. Remind ourselves of our self-worth. Allah created us to worship Him and to live healthy, fulfilling lives to the best of our abilities. Abuse does not come under those categories. Our guide and role model, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), never showed such behavior. Let us ask ourselves: are we better than the Prophet (pbuh) to think such behavior is acceptable?

6. Increase education and discussion on these topics in our community. What are our mosques and community centers doing about domestic abuse? Are there khutbahs (sermons) on this topic, even once a year?

7. Break the cycle of abuse by raising healthy and responsible children with secure attachments. Teaching respect, boundaries, tolerance and, most of all leading by an Islamic example of mercy, is crucial.

8. Support Muslim and non-Muslim initiatives to fight this societal evil. Support Muslimat al-Nisa (Baltimore, Maryland) or NISA (San Jose, CA) which are women’s shelters which are not receiving enough support from our communities.

9. Take this survey led by the Peaceful Families Project which measures attitudes on domestic violence within the Muslim community.

My friend had a very unique Facebook status: “Hurt people hurt people.” It resonated with me. And I wonder, what will I, what will we do, to make sure we can eliminate that hurt from our communities as best as we can? It starts with ourselves.

The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or is oppressed.’ A man asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah! I (know how to) help him when he is oppressed, but how can I help him when he is an oppressor?’ He (pbuh) said: ‘You can restrain him from committing oppression. That will be your help to him.’” [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]

Resources
Commendable Domestic Violence Series at MuslimMatters.org
Peaceful Families Project: http://www.peacefulfamilies.org/resources.html
Domestic Violence National Hotlines and Resources: http://fmpac.org/911/crisis.html
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Originally published at Al-Bayan

For 14 years, Ms. Ramdas was the CEO and President of the Global Fund for Women (GFW), the world’s largest public institution devoted to women’s rights. More specifically, the GFW “promotes women’s economic security, health, education and leadership” by giving an average annual $8.5 million of grants to women-led initiatives in countries outside the United States.

Dressed in a simple shalwar khameez and with a thoughtful smile creased on her face throughout the talk, Ms. Ramdas exuded an aura of humility and genuineness.  Her semi-Indian accent reminded me of my South Asian roots and immediately provoked me to pay attention to her words, not as someone who seemed to want to impose her ‘first world’ knowledge on the ‘third world’ but rather, as an insider.

Ms. Ramdas provoked the audience to think about the feminization of poverty given the fact that women constitute “70% of the poor in the world.” The startling statistic makes one wonder: why, and what can be done? Given the tendency of policy makers and civil society alike to classify certain issues as women’s issues, Ms. Ramdas emphasized that she disliked the phrase “women’s issues” because when something affects half of humanity, it is hardly a matter of women only. Rather, it is a human issue.

Amidst these human issues, poverty, hunger and low levels of economic development are problems which plague many towns, states and countries alike. Even so, there is not one agreed upon definition of ‘development’. We as consumers of mass media have a stereotype that development must be new, measurable and sustainable with several institutions seeking to “alleviate poverty.”  Ms. Ramdas challenged the notion of “alleviating poverty”, however. Why not consider a revolution without our society aimed at ending poverty once and for all?

Ms. Ramdas later went on to share five touching anecdotes to illustrate why women’s empowerment is a key factor in ending poverty and bettering society. Consider these:  A women’s rights group in Togo is fighting for widows’ inheritance rights, another in the Hunan Province of China creating awareness about the negative impact of pesticides on women’s reproductive health, a group in Serbia working on anti-trafficking laws and initiating support groups for young women who have been raped, a Bolivian women’s group called ‘Mujeres Criando’ advocating for participation of women in the political arena and finally, in Lebanon, Palestinian refugee women encouraging their communities to talk more often about women’s issues. The beautiful similarity between these organizations is that they are all self-initiated, locally driven projects headed by local citizens and financially aided by organizations like GFW when the need arises.

Thus, the larger women’s movement across the world is comprised of local initiatives. Ms. Ramdas stated that for the success of this movement, local communities must identify their own issues and address them accordingly. GFW and other umbrella organizations can be helpful in linking different causes together because isolation, as Ms. Ramdas explained, is one of the worst barriers to women’s rights.  Movements for women’s rights have fared better when they have partnered with other calls for justice – for instance, women’s groups were supportive of the 1960’s Civil Rights Movement in the United States because the issue of human dignity was at the forefront there too.  Ms. Ramdas clarified that this movement doesn’t know any boundaries and holds very public and private spaces. For instance, she quoted an incident when someone asked Dr. Shirin Ebadi, Iranian Nobel Peace Prize Winner, if there is an actual women’s rights movement in Iran. Dr. Ebadi responded with conviction,  “I can assure you there’s a chapter in every household.”

As a Muslim woman, I appreciate Ms. Ramdas’ emphasis on calling for the dignity and rights of all women while strongly supporting local initiatives. She held contempt for the phrase “saving” be it “saving Africa” or “saving” a particular group of people.  Denying those individuals freedom to decide their destiny denies them an adequate role in their true empowerment. She cited a well-known example of particular governments and women’s rights group working to “save” or “liberate” Afghan women from the burqa (loose head and body covering). In fact, she said, many of these Afghan women might point fingers at the “liberators” claiming they themselves need to be “saved” from the mini-skirt.

In either case, women need to empower themselves and not be puppets of outside forces.  Overall her speech was very inspiring and a call to action. The one question I have for Ms. Ramdas and other women’s rights activists is: how does one define “women’s rights” in such a multifaceted world? Of course, the common linkage of human dignity and equality is present. However, across the world, one finds that societies differ in their perceptions on the role of women. I believe that as long as a model does not seem to hinder basic dignity, it is not the job of an outsider to impose one’s personal view of “women’s rights” on the other.  There exists only a fine line between seeking justice vs. imposing one’s ideology.

At the end of the day, it becomes clear that Muslim women have a unique voice to offer this women’s movement. We can start locally driven initiatives to combat injustices we see or hear, injustices that our religion of Islam wholeheartedly condemns. Muslim women can work with women (and men) on issues of poverty and justice in order to uplift humanity. One major way we can uplift ourselves is through education, considered in Islam to be a duty for each Muslim man and woman. Armed with knowledge of our faith, we can begin this work with good intentions and a simple questioning of status quo.  After her presentation, I introduced myself to Ms. Ramdas and told her I was part of a Muslim women’s organization, MuslimahSource. When I asked her for suggestions on taking our organization to a greater level, she mentioned that there have been Muslim women’s organizations in other countries too whose model we can study (for instance: Sisters in Islam in Malaysia).

At the end of the day, however, efforts will be local and we as Muslim women living all over the world should pay attention to local issues and get involved in any capacity possible.  We should trust in Allah (swt) because He is on the side of the one who seeks their rights. He is the Lord of men. And He is the Lord of women.

Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so – for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward. (The Holy Qur’an 33:35)

Photo Credits: subcomandata

Zaytuna College Scholar Discusses Women’s Rights in Islam at UCSB

Social networking, texting, and email were abuzz last month in Santa Barbara. Not often does the small coastal city host Muslim scholars with backgrounds in both traditional and Western education. One might have assumed a pop star was dropping by. As a diverse congregation of about 150 rustled into an antiquated lecture hall, one could see that this was not just a “Muslim” event. Audience members included students, children, faculty, and local community members, some of whom drove over fifty miles to attend.

Imam Zaid Shakir, the co-founder of Zaytuna College and one of the most critically engaged Muslim scholars of Islam in America, visited the University of California, Santa Barbara to share his thoughts on two major topics: the rights of women in Islam and Black History Month. Both topics are important to American Muslims and the treatment of women in Islam is particularly contentious. During the course of Imam Zaid’s talk and ensuing Q&A session, he discussed a myriad of topics, including race relations during the time of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), education, social ills, the war in Iraq, South Central Los Angeles and femininity.

To clarify the importance, contributions, and the misconceptions about women in Islam, Imam Zaid began his lecture by recounting a roster of early Muslim women that reached the pinnacles of society during the time of the Prophet (SAW) in 7th century AD. Despite a culture and people that normalized the denigration and suppression of women, the Prophet’s (SAW) wife Khadijah owned her own business and employed the Prophet (SAW). In Imam Zaid’s words, “She would have been considered a CEO in our vernacular,” and his (SAW) wife Zaynab bint Jahsh (RA) would be have been considered the president of her own non-profit. Ayesha (RA) also led an opposing political faction that engaged the nation’s leadership. Imam Zaid succinctly illustrated many of the accomplishments made by the female companions of the Prophet (SAW) which included mastering of religious law, leading an army of men, and thus creating an indelible mark on Islamic history.

A serious quandary is undeniable, however, when considering the present treatment of Muslim women. Many Muslims are keen to the issue, as well. Samaneh Oladi, a PhD student in Religious Studies, asked Imam Zaid, “Where did it go wrong? We hear these traditions of the women during the Prophet’s (SAW) time, but that is not what we see now.” Imam Zaid answered promptly: “Education.” Limited education, he explained, is the root cause of oppression in many patriarchal societies, as Islam is inherently against the oppression of women. The access and ability of women to attain an education in many Muslim countries is severely limited. When women are unable to read religious texts for themselves and consequently rely on men for the interpretation of those texts, women are often exploited. Societies should focus on the providing education to instill a lasting change. Imam Zaid added that culture stands as the central driving force in most societies and that Islam is not at odds with culture, but with the negative mores of society. In the modern times, especially regarding women, it is critical to understand the nuances between cultural expectations and religion.

Even today there are significant examples of Muslim women accomplishing phenomenal feats. Asma Mahfouz, the provocateur who helped trigger protests in Egypt with a single viral video has declared: “Whoever says women shouldn’t protest [...] should be man enough to come with me.” Women are not taking charge solely in Egypt either. In countries such as Indonesia and Malaysia Muslim women are at the forefront of every facet in society, from government to education. Literacy rates for Muslim women in these countries are higher now and increasing. Yet these accomplishments rarely flash across the television screen. Instead, sadly, we see the usual and constant albatross of negative bias. But in spite of the media, Muslim women continue to progress in the face of glaring adversity.

As the night persisted, the curiosity of the audience peaked as the focus shifted to contemporary politics. During the Q&A, Imam Zaid addressed the bellicosity of American foreign policy along with the idea of femininity. While discussing the matter he touched upon the apparently double standard when it comes to the assessment of women’s rights—that is, women should wear slacks but men should never wear a dress because it would be an affront to his masculinity. With all being said, Imam Zaid Shakir refused to define “femininity” when prompted by an audience member, stating it was a conversation that needed female participation.

In highlighting their achievements and drawing attention to the many setbacks faced by Muslim women, Imam Zaid presented a more lucid picture of the issue and left the audience with the idea that Muslim women cannot be generalized into a snapshot or television blurb. Islam, rather than being oppressive to Muslim women, aims to liberate and nurture their potential. And this is an achievable ideal, as clearly evident amongst the closest companions of the Prophet (SAW).

Acknowledgements:

The event was an admirable collaboration between Islamic Relief, UCSB Women’s Center, Associated Students Finance Board, Student Commission on Racial Equality (SCORE), Associated Students Womyn’s Commission, East African Student Union (EASU), Black Pioneers Renaissance Organization (BPRO) and the UCSB Muslim Student Association (MSA).

While many women in the global south face crises of basic needs such as limited access to clean drinking water, barred entry to educational advancement or little to no participation in political and social decision making, it is not only their cause we weep over. Women in the United States still make around $0.80 to each man’s dollar despite the equal effort they exhibit in the workplace. Abuse, rape, self-esteem issues, balancing roles…these are not just issues of the developing world. These are human issues we all face collectively.

So are we making progress?

So was today a day of true change? Can we call it a permanent change? Or is it a slogan we just see on one day which will disappear the rest of the year?

Yes and no; while the sloganeering may be more common on this day, many individuals, families, communities and organizations live by the principle that ‘women’s day is everyday’ or ‘human dignity day is everyday.’ The increased momentum on this one day (March 8th) is akin to the world planting many seeds together on one day. However, they will need to follow through on that commitment by watering these seeds regularly throughout the year. Without this, no cause will succeed, particularly this cause for women’s dignity and basic human equality which is being undermined daily worldwide.

International Women’s Day succeeded in its united action, strength of coalitions, and specific policy recommendations (in particular the call for ‘Equal access to education, training and science and technology: Pathway to decent work for women’ which was the theme for 2011).  Many individuals and organizations are committed to sustained change in the areas of women’s empowerment, health, protection, education, political and social rights and they don’t just reek of lip service. Rather, helping the cause of women is their daily mission.  These heroes may have built a woman’s shelter, opened a girl’s school or studied their butt off in medical school specializing in gynecology! They may have spoken out when a female child was about to be buried alive just for being a female, reported a case of domestic abuse or inspired hope in a woman by reminding her that she is worthy of much more than what she or others may think.

From petitioning governments to building schools to mentoring even one young woman, from advocating policy to spreading awareness via tweets daily, such sustained service must be sincerely applauded.  We all know of some  heroes like these in our lives, Alhamdulillah. In this arena, change is a reality because it is small and incremental. Our dear Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) even told us in this regard, “Allah loves those deeds that are most consistent even if they are small.” (Bukhari and Muslim) There is truly a lesson to be learned from this style of activism.

Can we improve?

First of all, some politicians or power structures may use this day for their own advantage. They may side with women’s issues for one day in order to boost their overall image while not following up on many of their promises.  While their intentions are misaligned, some good might still come out of their efforts by spreading awareness of these issues and getting the light into the media. Eventually these corrupt leaders’ mindsets need to be reformed and the best way is through simultaneous education and also through demanding change.

Secondly, International Women’s Day may be misunderstood in some contexts if women merely protest on the streets one day of the year. These women, who might be otherwise invisible to society, not engaged in the social, economic or political sphere to any degree the rest of the 364 days of the year, indeed have noble aims.  However, if they act too hastily without foresight and analysis, they might perpetuate the gap between women’s rights activists such as themselves and the rest of society if they are not clear in their demands. People may label them as too extreme to even be heard because they don’t even understand their message, thereby de-legitimizing their cause. In such societies, change needs to be more gradual, using wisdom (Hikmah) to the best of their ability.  Perhaps more clear communication between individuals and different actors in society needs to be improved and demands need to be more clear before engaging in outright ‘rebellion’ as some may put it. If protests are coupled with education and awareness campaigns in which trust is built between different groups, a revolution towards justice for all will become the entire nation’s priority and agenda, not just the women’s.

How do Muslim women fit into this portrait?

As Muslim women, it is clear that we are not free of global crises affecting women. In fact, it is often in our own post-colonial nations that we see disparate inequalities due to a variety of economic, political and social reasons. So where does Islam fit in? Islam, which means to submit one’s will to the Creator of the Heavens and Earth, and thereby attain peace, puts God back into the picture.

God is the Creator of women and men. He speaks for the weak and oppressed. His Prophets came to restore dignity to those who society had degraded. It is in this vein that Muslim women should be confident that International Women’s Day is merely one step towards the goal that God is already helping them with. God is already on their side.

While we navigate these murky waters with a renewed sense of activism, it is important to remember a few things:

a)     We won’t get anywhere in the arena of women’s rights unless we as women realize that our self worth comes from God and not from men, society, the market economy, and all other worldly ‘things’.  When we realize the amount of dignity God has given us, that will restore our belief in ourselves.  When we realize Allah has made our worth in His eyes the same worth as a man, we will feel empowered to be that agent of good in this world. When we realize our father and mother, Adam and Eve, were put on earth as vicegerents or Khalifa, we will rise to the task of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil, in effect, serving the Creator by serving His creation, with that much more passion and resolve, not in spite of our gender, but because of it. On the other hand, if we struggle for women’s rights without remembering that Allah is with us, without remembering it is He who gave us dignity to begin with, we suffer the possible consequences of: being burned out without remembering our cause, having to please too many people’s standards and forgetting where we stand, and worst of all, having all our good deeds being wasted.  Allah the Most High reminds us in the Qur’an in Surah Kahf (The Cave):

103. Say (O Muhammad ): “Shall We tell you the greatest losers in respect of (their) deeds?

104. “Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life while they thought that they were acquiring good by their deeds!

105. “They are those who deny the Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of their Lord and the Meeting with Him (in the Hereafter). So their works are in vain, and on the Day of Resurrection, We shall not give them any weight.

Therefore, let’s remember to keep Allah as part of our struggle, and in fact, the most important One in our struggle. As Muslims, it is for His sake that we do anything. It is to please Him, serve Him and submit to Him. Our fight for women’s rights is a natural branch off of our duty to Allah as He has ordained justice. So let’s keep renewing our intentions and remember our fight for justice for all, including justice, dignity and rights for women, is for Allah’s sake.

b)     Women’s rights is an issue Islam takes very seriously.   We should not forget the power of our own discourse on this day when many other individuals and organizations present their viewpoints.  Indeed, we should support them in their good actions.   However, let us remember we have something of utmost value to contribute to this conversation!

In fact, justice for all, justice for the weak and oppressed in particular, is one of the hallmarks of Islam.  It sets us apart from other women’s rights activists that good treatment of others, including women, is something connected to our salvation in this life and hereafter.  It should make us tremble that we will be asked about our conduct towards others on the Day of Judgment. This should increase our desire to do good to others in our daily interactions and on a larger scale as best we can.

Thus, Muslims should be the flag-bearers and forerunners in this area of human rights, women’s rights and justice for all. Muslims should be known as the best to women, men, children, poor, rich, i.e. everyone, because this matter of others’ welfare is intimately tied to our ‘aqeedah (belief).

Allah the Most High says in the Qur’an regarding women: “…and live with them honorably.” (4:19)  The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wassalam) made it clear that the heaviest of things on the scale of Deeds on the Day of Judgment will be good manners and “the best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)

c)     The struggle is not over! Keep fighting! Let’s make women’s issues and issues of good conduct towards all a daily matter. Let us first conquer ourselves through sustained change through our five daily prayers and obligations towards Allah. We cannot change the world without first changing ourselves. And let us join whoever is doing good without diluting our own principles.

Don’t tire, ever. Remember this beautiful inspiration: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “One who strives to help the widows and the poor is like the one who fights in the way of Allah. I shall regard him as the one who stands up (for prayer) without rest and as the one who observes fasts continuously.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Much, much more can be said on this topic! In fact, here at Muslimah Source, our team’s passion to ‘educate, support and guide’ women worldwide will continue inshaAllah, even beyond this day.  Please get involved with writing, awareness and with upcoming projects by emailing info@muslimahsource.org and share your thoughts on International Women’s Day 2011 below!

Child Marriage and Maturity, a Reflection

By Umm Zakiyyah

Years ago, when television was still a part of my life, I was watching a Seinfeld episode in which the character George saw an attractive, shapely young woman and subsequently made a comment to Jerry urging him to look at her body.  Jerry in response told George that the girl was fifteen years old, and he playfully scolded his friend for goggling at “children.”  George stared at his friend in amazement, then at the girl, then back at his friend.  He couldn’t believe it.  She was only fifteen years old?  Impossible…

…But why is it so impossible?  It isn’t unheard of for girls to reach puberty even before the age of ten, and by the age of fifteen, it is well known that most girls cannot be distinguished from the average twenty-year-old woman in terms of physical shape and appearance.  Why then do we continually refer to young women as “girls” or “children” even after it is apparent otherwise?  Despite the obvious dishonesty involved in such inaccurate labeling, a host of psychological and religious repercussions are suffered as a result.

As a high school teacher—of juniors and seniors ranging from ages sixteen to nineteen—I cannot recount how many times I’ve interrupted my students mid-sentence as they defended something they’d done by saying “I’m still a child…” and I’d say, “You’re not a child to Allah.”

And if you’re not a child to Allah, then you’re not a child.

I’d often remind them that if any one of them were to die tomorrow—or even today—they’d answer for their deeds just like I would (as would any other “adult”), for they were all well-past puberty.  And I didn’t need a copy of their birth records to determine that.

Children do not even have “deeds” because the angels do not begin recording for them until adulthood, which is marked by puberty—not by a two-digit numerical figure counted from a four-digit year printed on a “birth certificate.”

And certainly, Allah is not going to excuse “children” for their transgressions simply because the sins occurred before they turned eighteen—the age of “adulthood” arbitrarily decided by the United States of America.

That’s not how the Day of Judgment works.

That’s not even how the life of this world works.

… “Your prophet was a pedophile,” the atheist mocked me and the other Muslims present in the room.

It was the classic tactic of one without an argument of his or her own:  With nothing in the religious authenticity of Islam to refute, they were left to fight Islam with the defeatist’s lone weapon—defaming the Prophet’s character.

I winced.  No matter how much I’d hear the word from the mouths of those Allah had not guided to spiritual maturity, I still couldn’t get used to it.  Each time I heard it, it sounded so blasphemous, so profane.

“And be patient over what they say and leave them with a gracious avoidance…”[1]

These words of Qur’anic wisdom gave me calm and allowed me to gather my thoughts.

Inside, I reminded myself that I could not blame them.  Had Allah not guided me, I would have seen things through their eyes.  After all, the marriage of a nine-year-old to a grown man, even if to a prophet and contracted more than 1400 years ago, was not an easy concept to digest.  To the modern mind, it was so difficult in fact, that countless Muslims frantically covered the truth, apologized for it, or flat out fabricated an age culturally palatable to Westerners who found disgust in the marriage of our Mother Ayesha to Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam.

…I decided to respond to the atheists by tackling the meaning of pedophile.

I asked them what it meant.

“Someone sexually attracted to children” was the response.

Right, I thought.  “And how do you define child?” I asked.

Before they could respond, I clarified, “Now, make sure your definition is culturally sensitive and one that all people would agree with, no matter where they live in the world.”  I then reminded them, “As you yourselves said earlier about the existence of God, scientific proof is the only proof you’ll accept.  So it’s the only one I’ll accept for your definition of a child.”

They thought for a moment.

“A person who hasn’t reached the age of puberty,” one of them said finally.

Right, I thought again.  “And are you aware that there exist women who reach puberty by the age of nine?”

A pause.

“But that’s not common,” they said.

“I agree,” I said.  “But are you aware that it does happen?”

“Yes” was the grudging reply.

“And are you aware that the marriage of our Prophet, peace be upon him, was actually contracted when Ayesha was six, not nine?”

I paused, knowing this fact would only embolden them in attacking the Prophet’s character, but I went on.  “And did you know that when the marriage happened, the Prophet himself expressed concern that she was so young, knowing he couldn’t live with her yet?

“If he was, as you say, a pedophile,” I continued, “then what on earth was he waiting for in those three years before they lived together?”

They didn’t know what to say.

“But it’s not just about being in puberty,” one woman retorted, exasperated.  “It’s about being mature.  No nine-year-old is mature enough for marriage.”

“Most aren’t,” I agreed.  Before I could say more, she went on.

“I mean, there are many people I know who are way past puberty and they’re still not mature enough for marriage.”

“That’s true,” I said.

And then, in anger, the woman said the one sentence that would prove her own argument senseless and the Muslims correct:  “I’m over forty years old,” she vented, “and I still don’t consider myself mature.”

There was thoughtful silence.

“So…” I said, smiling triumphantly, “you’re husband’s a pedophile?”

At the time of my debate with the atheists, I hadn’t yet learned that in U.S. history itself, the age of sexual consent in marriage had once been ten years old and that the age had moved around as the country sought to settle on a concrete definition for this obscure concept of “maturity.”

And today, the issue still isn’t settled.

Although, legally, the age of eighteen is viewed as adulthood to Westerners, it is well-known that the age of readiness for marriage—and of physical maturity and reproductive abilities (in men and women)—happen well before this age.  This is why, with parental consent, it is perfectly legal in the United States of America for “children” to marry before they’re “adults.”

…I remember myself as a college student—during the years that popular music was still a part of my life—bobbing my head to the words of the late singer Aaliyah as she sang, “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number…” I too remember the debates with peers about whether or not she and the singer R-Kelly should have married…

Had this issue of childhood and adulthood been as definitive as modernists would like us to believe, there would have been no debate at all.  Yet, still, atheists and other non-Muslims continue to fling the degrading term pedophile at the last of God’s prophets.  And more troubling is the fact that many Muslims still run for cover when the topic of Ayesha’s marriage to the Prophet, sallallahu’alayhi wa sallam, is broached.

At such moments, I ponder the circumstance of people—and there are many such in the world—who have no knowledge or “proof” of when they were born.  I myself met such a person in college.  Meeting such people makes me ponder the ridiculousness of arguments about readiness for marriage that center primarily around age…

No, I don’t believe the refrain of Aaliyah’s popular song.  Age certainly is much more than a number, and readiness for marriage does have at least some relation to that numerical value.

But age simply is not and cannot be the primary determinant of adulthood, maturity, or readiness for matrimony.  As the atheist woman said, there are those well-past the age of puberty who are not even remotely ready for marriage—or perhaps life even.

But there do exist those who are much younger than the legal “adult” yet have surpassed in intellect and maturity even the most celebrated adults of our time.

Yes, they are rare, no doubt.

But they do exist.

…As did our Mother Ayesha, whose early maturity and intelligence should make Muslims stand proud as we celebrate her remarkable legacy, a legacy that should inspire prayer that our own daughters mirror her example—not necessarily in marrying so early.

But in being remarkably mature while so young.

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of the novels If I Should Speak, A Voice, Footsteps, and Realities of Submission.  To contact her, write to ummzakiyyah@yahoo.com or join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2010 by Al-Walaa Publications.  All Rights Reserved.

Each lock and curl bounced as she walked down the street

This was her mare, embodiment

of her lioness femininity

A cry to the world that she could and

Did, work on something, protect it

And see it live, breathe and grow

She lived in the 1800s, amidst the Industrial Revolution-

Bathed in the Ganges with hopes of ablution-

She cried for her son’s blood, wet in

The snow of that wintry Boston Civil War

Hid in the blouse of a geisha in Japan, a woman

half scarred

Eyes brightened up, the first Mongolian

Girl in her village to learn to read

Hopped in the fields of Dakota, planting a

pumpkin seed.

This girl, this woman, this delicate creature of God

Her hair showed the world what could not a nod

A symbol of acquiescence to male passion and greed

To this she was a witness, a reluctant even, at times,

accomplice, why didn’t she pay heed?

She did, of course

And reexamined her strand

She took her locks and, simultaneously,

her soul by the hand

and asked it, gently, why it sought to be

the center of her life, or

merely a symbol of her personality?

Was insecurity, purposelessness or

ennui she was a victim of?

Indeed, no cause had she to live life for authentically

And walk determinedly towards

Her inner nature had submitted to her Creator, always

She knew He was watching, truly

Thus, find she did truth and beauty in

Loving His Oneness, His Mercy

And Perfect Qualities

As she praised Him, she let go of the world which

constantly brought her to her knees

Escaping from her meager worries, she found her dignity

Awash the shores of real femininity, leaving behind the mountains of superficial disparities

She found her status, honor and worthy self-esteem from the One who created her free

from society, but eternally bound to His blessed slavery

A cause worth living for, it was meant to be

Throughout humanity’s beginning, from the ages of Adam and Eve

still relevant in corporate-run-to-soccer-mom-duties, our 21st century

Her hair

Her locks became longer, thicker and shinier

Beaming with purpose and purposefulness, completely

Now tucked in a Hijaab, a transformation inside to out

A marvelous embodiment of her new found true strength

and womanly essence.

A young woman’s hair, not for society, but for God to see.

    I’m one of those “feminists.”

    The label doesn’t stick either way. That’s alright, I’m not looking for labels, and I don’t fit comfortably into stereotypical boxes.

    We, the women of Islam, have failed if we continue to allow others to define feminism for us and do not challenge definitions that exclude all but a certain few. We are the flag-bearers of this great religion which gave us revolutionary rights and freedoms; we must portray its strength through our actions. We cannot continue to blame the media, the “west,” and others for distorting our image. We must own up to this responsibility. If we silently do not participate in our communities, show no opinions, emotions or beliefs but rather complacently allow our men to be our voice (inaccurately, at times), then we are playing into the stereotypes of our image. It is this complacency which will shoot ourselves in the foot.

    As Muslimahs we have a great responsibility to Allah (swt), ourselves, our communities and to the representation of Islam.  We carry the banner of Islam constantly, whether we want to or not, whether we realize it or not, whether we wear hijab or not. Our actions and words are never perceived as those of just another woman/girl. Simply being aware of this is no longer enough! If this is how the world looks at us, we must use this to our advantage.  Let them look at us, our actions, our lives and associate it with Islam, but let us reflect the true spirit of Islam in our characters.

    Often, we’re confused about what our roles should be, how much should we go out, participate, speak up? We can take a cue from the Muslim women in the past, such as Fatimah al-Fihri, who started the world’s oldest university to date.  I have seen Muslim women all over the world use and cherish every opportunity to participate and create programs to educate and introduce change for the better. Is it not more pressing while living in “free” countries we utilize that freedom to its utmost extent? Should all of us start madrassas ? No, we’re not all qualified to, however, each of us has something unique to offer our community. Tap into your talents and benefit others with them. Some of us are eloquent writers, orators, talented artists, love working with children, savvy business women, and techie computer people. Turn your hobbies and pastimes into opportunities for enriching your lives, gaining reward from Allah (swt) and enhancing our communities.

    We face many issues within our communities: How many Muslimahs are abused and go through life unsupported? How many lack basic education?  How many non-Muslims or even Muslims have you recently talked to about the positive aspects of being a Muslim woman? To change these negative stereotypes we don’t need to wait for millions of Saudi-backed dollars or week-long conferences. Great movements, revolutions and shifts in paradigm began through word of mouth. If we do not believe that we can enact this change, and subsequently follow through with it, then we [i]are [/i] the oppressed, ineffective, weak women others accuse us of being.

    Now what? You’re all riled up and ready to tackle this head on, but how? What can you do today empower yourself and other Muslim women? Here are some ideas how we can convey the message that Muslim women are intelligent, active and productive members of society.

• Educate yourself about your rights and responsibilities:
  • Take Islamic classes (there are online institutes and there’s always the library)
  • Read about Muslim women in the past and contemporary history, there are more than you think.
  • Subscribe to MuslimahSource for seminars and workshops on learning AND doing more!

• Take up a cause, participate in charity work. Islam is a way of life, so live it! Our religion is deeply rooted in enacting social change and care. Part of dealing with our problems is looking at the bigger picture. Think Big Locally! Help find the cure for cancer, go green, or adopt an orphan.
  • Fight Breast Cancer
  • Fight Diabetes
  • End World Hunger
  • Sponsor an Orphan
  • Pet Rescue – look for local opportunities through your Humane Society or Petsmart
  • Heart Health
  • Environmentalism
  • Domestic Violence

• Look for local opportunities to give your time and get involved in your communities:
  • Match your skills and interest with opportunities in your area!
  • Find your local masjid and get involved
  • Create your own program!

• Be confident that you are backed by the religion of Allah (swt)

On the other hand, Firdaws* was around my age, maybe a few years older. She and her sister both came to the school to learn English, a strikingly novel endeavor for women in their family who came from the villages of Punjab. Nostalgia embraces me as I remember my down-to-earth conversations with Firdaws. Oh and I can’t forget the card and gift she gave me before I left – a jewelry box I still have on my dresser – and it reminds me of her story. She wanted to marry a certain individual but did not know at all how to approach him in the proper manner. There was a distinct shyness or lack of communication on her part. I remember telling her to not settle for less and to keep in mind the good qualities we should look for in a prospective partner. 

Even upon coming back to the idyllic States, I could not but be attached to the persona and stories of Zareena and Firdaws. Issues of divorce – I’ve seen ‘em in my family. What about marriage? A topic that the Muslim community never tires of talking about. What about the everyday communication gap between young women and their families with regards to marriage or other future aspirations? Been there, done that. 

Clearly, we as American Muslim women, believe it or not, are not disconnected from the stories and realities of Zareena and others like her. In reality, their struggles are our own. Their narrative, in many ways, is our narrative, the story of Muslim women who notice the disparities between reality – the cultures which bind us – and idealism – the liberation offered by Allah, our Creator, what the Book of Allah and the Sunnah offer. But how can we use those shining torches to illuminate and then eliminate silent and manifest injustice in our communities? 

The first step is to tell our story. 

*Names have been changed

Fueled by the negative portrayal of the incident by the media, this vicious and most vile act has undoubtedly sparked a great debate amongst the public. Unlike the claim made by xenophobes, this murder has nothing to do with Islaam. Ignorance breeds culture, and culture is often mixed with religion by those who use every ounce of their energy to taint Islaam and Muslims. According to various reports and interviews from close friends of Aasiya and her murderous husband, Muzzammil Hassan had a very aggressive nature; a pattern of abuse was evident throughout all 3 of his marriages. Some said it might have had something to do with his rough childhood and difficult relationship with his father.

What is even more unfortunate is that the media coverage largely focused on the husband. No doubt what he did was an atrocious crime and should be punished to the fullest extent of the law, but what’s being ignored is that what happened to Aasiya happens to women all around the world. This time it was a Muslim and hence the coverage focused mostly on finger-pointing and blaming of the entire Muslim nation.

Domestic violence is not new to us. Not to Muslims, nor Hindus or Christians. It existed thousands of years ago, and is prevalent to this day. Focus needs to be on ‘why’ the abuse of women has been tolerated throughout generations. It has to be eliminated from its very core. The core being ignorance. It’s the ignorance of rights of women in Islaam. Most cultures force women to live their lives in silence and bear the abuse in the name of preserving honor and reputation of the family. Islaam came about to eradicate this nescience and restore the rights of women.

And this is the purpose of Muslimah Source. We hope to educate the Muslim woman about her rights, to empower her through the teachings of Islaam, and to encourage her to speak up against violence and not withstand any form of abuse. We as women have it in us to fight. Our rights have already been given to us. All we have to do is… make use of them.

Photo Courtsey: Flickr

He was much more older, much more stronger and I was a child. It felt like sitting on a carousel that had spun out of control. You ask me how I ever returned to living a normal life? I ask you, what was normal about what happened to me? What was normal about being sexually abused, over and over and over and over until you lose count? If any of that was not normal, how could I ever return to living a normal life? That year has long been buried, somewhere deep beneath. But my life, my life has never been normal.” - From an anonymous victim.

Statistically, 1.3 women are raped per minute in the United States. That amounts to 78 rapes every darn hour. Calculate for yourself how many that is in a day. A sex crime happens every 3 seconds in South Africa. At least 8 rapes are reported in Pakistan daily. These are the “fortunate” victims that at least get to report their abuse. Pakistan is an “Islamic” country where murder is second nature to men who have no morals, no sense of religion, except the trumped up pride in their so-called honor and tribalism. And if families do somehow find out, women are told to hush so as not to defile (yes how ironic!) the family’s reputation. She is to forever abide by the unwritten rule of silence. Imagine how many women, even young girls suffer with this secret that eats away at them, and without a second thought they are forced to take it to their graves, out of fear for their lives? At least here in North America or any other Western country, you can report these incidents without any fear of shame, or exile or being beaten to death by a gang of unruly men. Oh but then again, ofcourse if you do report your abuse, you might either just get really lucky with a good judge in a court of law or you might be subjected to yet another violation of your rights and honor like the fate of this Muslim woman in Toronto, Canada where she was recently asked by the judge to take off her niqaab (face veil) in court during her testimony. What the heck? Lets get the story straight. First, you’re raped. Your honor is violated and then, you’re further violated by the court of law where justice and fairness does not apply to people of color!

So what now? What is the way out for these women?

Only one answer comes to mind: Sharee`ah (Islamic law). Some people might wonder why I would suggest something that currently doesn’t exist. I say the sharee`ah because it was ordained to guarantee a safe society for both men and women. It is there to protect our rights, to insure that the rulings commanded by Allaah and His Prophet (saws) are followed and to punish those who abuse them. But until the sharee`ah is established, I would encourage women to speak out about this injustice. Speak out. I cannnot even fathom how hard it must be for some to break their silence, but you don’t have to live with this for the rest of your lives. If you can’t speak about it in public, talk to a friend. Talk to someone who will lend you a listening ear. Point is, these facts need to come out. Our imaams need to be informed and educated about these vital issues. You hear them talk about anything and everything, from `aqeedah to terrorism issues and even hold 3-day conferences on marriage. If you get lucky, they will throw in a topic or two about violence against women in marriages but sexual abuse is rarely (if ever) brought up. Our scholars need to lift their iron curtains, stop brushing this problem under the rug and do something about it. It is binding upon them to help these victims. Most of all, our generation needs to start voicing their concern. Those muffled voices need to be heard.

Photo Courtsey: DeviantArt