So…how are you?

“Salam, girl!” Ayesha gleefully greeted her friend Jannah. “How are you? Did you hear about how the economy sucks these days and layoffs are happening daily? I’m glad though, Alhamdulillah, ‘cuz my company still didn’t do layoffs—yet!” Before Jannah could even respond to the question “how are you”, Ayesha made her own situation crystal-clear: she was doing pretty well, actually. But how was Jannah, if you asked her in her own words? Actually, she just got laid off from her part-time job today, tuition for school just went up too, and don’t forget how guilty she felt for missing salatul ‘Asr today. Ouch.

“Wa alaikum assalam – Oh, that’s great Ayesha. InshaAllah I’ll catch up with you later, gotta run.” Jannah made an effort to run before she might break down crying out of stress. Did Ayesha really care how she was feeling or was saying “How are you” a way for Ayesha to express how her day was…? Forget it…

“So, how are you?” Kayfa haaluk, como estás, kaisay hain? These inquisitive words seem sincere, carry the hint of truly caring about someone else and the state of their current life, and sound oh-so-darn-cute! But…is it human nature to want to know about how other human beings are around us, is it an outward expression of our eeman when we greet our Muslim brother or sister this way, or is it just a clichéd custom society’s programmed into us since the day we were born?

It depends. There are some of us who greet each other and then quickly mutter “How are you” as if it were attached to the actual salaam itself. Others amongst us lazily enunciate this phrase with the motives of catching up on the latest gossip. Some of us type it in all of our emails and instant messages without a second thought, perhaps hoping to undermine our selfishness as we type away with, yet, another one of our concerns to the other person. Others in the world think about this phrase with their brothers and sisters in mind, their eyes tearing up as they make du’a for their beloved ummatis. A few use a combination of all of these. So which one of these are we? How can this phrase be a means to better ourselves, communities, lives, Ummah and world?

Of course, humans are very selfish at times, of course culture shapes how we do, like, everything, and of course, we want to be polite. But what about compassion and mercy? They are often the missing ingredient in many affairs. How should we sincerely mean the words “How are you” when we say them?

1. Humble yourself—remember Allah is the Most Merciful and you are in most need of His Mercy. His name Ar-Rahmaan signifies His Mercy towards all of creation through blessings such as food, water, shelter, security – necessities of life. His name Ar-Raheem, however, denotes a special Mercy reserved for the Believers, a special type of compassion.

`Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: Captives were brought to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) after a battle. Among them was a woman desperately searching for something. When she laid her eyes on a baby she immediately picked it up, clutched it to her breast and started feeding it. Thereupon, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked, “Do you think this woman would throw her child into a fire?” We said, “Never! By Allah!” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) then said, “Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child.” (Muslim)

Let’s make du’a and show through our actions to Allah, the Exalted, that we want and are in desperate need of this Mercy of His. We can ask ourselves “How are we” or “How are you, <insert-self’s-name>”? Answer: In need of Allah’s mercy. This should humble our hearts, make us more thankful and purify our souls from egotistical versions of “How are you” when we speak to our brothers and sisters. Now, we won’t be speaking to them for convenience, selfish reasons and chit-chat alone, but as human beings united in our quest for Allah’s Mercy, together in fulfilling our purpose: “I have not created jinn or humans except to worship Me.” (Qur’an, 51:56)

2. Listen to others, look at them when you speak and make them feel important…because they are! Human beings are social creatures. We all feel like random specks in the universe at times walking amidst hundreds others on campus, standing behind others in the grocery line, in cubicle-d nameless office space, right? Thus, it would be wise to reaffirm each other’s uniqueness and importance by showing mercy and being there for each other. When you smile, mean it. When you say “how are you” say it with every fiber of concern and mercy in you! And when you listen, give the other the contentment of knowing you are there, you care and you are actually listening. Basically, show the love and mercy! Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Allah has divided Mercy into one hundred parts. He kept ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down one part to the earth, and because of that one single part, His creatures are merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its foal, lest it should trample it.” (Al-Bukhari)

When the Prophet (peace and blessings me upon him) interacted with people, he’d treat each person like they were the most important person in the world. He was known for his smile and being accessible to people. Today, being personable, accessible and down-to-earth while being truly sincere may be the breath of fresh air our brotherhood and sisterhood needs.

3. Communication is a two way street; if someone asks you “how are you,” tell them the truth. “I’m overjoyed, I’m bored, I wanna cry, I’m tired, I’m stressed, I would like someone to talk to, I need help.” A lot of times it is just assumed that if someone is saying “how are you” they are saying it out of courtesy. But both frames of mind need to be changed—the asker and the asked. If the asker is sincere, the asked will also have an inclination towards sincerity and respond that way. This dialogue may help uncover some of our communities’ deeper hidden problems – we just need honesty and sincerity from both sides to get there!

With humbled hearts reminded of our ultimate purpose, the knowledge that mercy does exist in our world, and with proper communication, our “how are you’s” can go a long way! A simple “how are you” can make it or break it for the psyche and atmosphere of the community, serving as a tool for social change! If we are not bonded together by the glue of brotherhood and eeman, if we don’t make ourselves accessible to each other in our communities through the mercy Allah has given us, our communities – our brothers, our sisters, our children –will continue to suffer in silence.

So let’s use “How are you” as a blessed tool of compassion and mercy. Go say “How are you” to someone today and mean it with all your being!

Photo: Intuitive Healing Center