Beaten in The Name of God
January 26, 2009 by Cindy A
Filed under Women's Rights
Fictional Piece
I want to blame my mother, but nothing she would have said would have prepared me for the next three years of my life. He promised her that he would protect, love and cherish me. We were so perfect. Our union was for the sake of God alone. We pledged to build our new home on the teachings of Islam. We had dreams; we made promises. Happiness was in the air.
Ten hours post the marriage vows exchanged in front of my father and the respected Imams, my husband started beating me–in the name of God.
At first I pretended that nothing happened. Mother would call to see how her happy, newly married daughter was doing: “I am fine mom, we went out today. I love it here!” I learned quickly how to lie to my mother. I trained myself to hang up before I burst into tears and screamed for help. I always had a believable excuse on hand, “We are going shopping, Mom. Love you and talk to you later.” Mom believed I was happy; I wanted to believe I was too.
I can’t remember how it all started. I think I left the kitchen cupboard open by mistake. He slapped me on my face and reminded me that God created women inferior to men. And somehow I believed him. I remember running from the kitchen, thrusting my body on the sheets on the floor and crying myself to sleep. When I woke up, he was nice again. He apologized for his behavior and promised to never touch me again.
He would break that same promise for the next three years.
He grew out his beard, wore the Arab garb and said bismillah (in the name of God) with every sentence. Eventually the first slap turned into pushing, which later evolved into punching, kicking and verbal abuse. His dream was to become a Muslim scholar. He ordered me to work to support him while he studied the religion of God, Islam. His ultimate goal was for me to “better” my career so I would bring in more money as he slept all day. I could only obey.
If the food wasn’t ready when I got home after long hours at work, I was beaten and reminded that I could easily be replaced by a second, third or fourth wife. Sometimes when he had me in a headlock, and while I begged him to release me, I would pray that he would marry another. At least, I thought to myself, I would no longer be the only target for his blind anger.
I did everything to be the perfect Muslim wife. I listened to lectures, attended talks and sought advice of the knowledgeable. Nothing seemed to work. I cooked, cleaned, worked, studied and obeyed, yet nothing satisfied him. I adorned myself; I smelled nice. Yet with all the efforts, I was still a bad wife, a bad choice that he regretted. He compared me to every woman we knew; they were smarter, prettier and made better wives. The sad part, I started believing him. I blamed myself, could he really be right?
I prayed. But my prayers to God were all the same. I wanted to be a better wife for my abusive husband. I believed wholeheartedly if only I could become a more pleasing wife he would stop. We would be the perfect couple as the outside world viewed us. There would be no need to cover up the scars, the bruises or the broken dishes. I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep each night or endure the curses of the angels with every fight.
Eventually, I couldn’t handle it anymore. For once I gathered the courage to speak out, hit back, and push back. I had a speech ready. I had my demands on a list. I would threaten to expose him to the world that saw him as the pious, God-fearing brother of Islam. I wanted it to stop. Please make it stop. Anybody? The world. The neighbors. My family. Help.
But you know, it’s not that easy when you are beaten in the name of God. Who was to stop him anyways?
To be continued.
Photo Courtesy: Cindy A
(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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MashaAllah ukhti, this is an amazing post. This is a topic that is neglected and needs to be spoken about. To say the least, I can relate. May Allah reward you…aameen
Very well written.
But isn’t this exactly what Islamophobes are out looking for? I may be mistaken, and you may, in the next episode, be about to give the truth about Islam’s requirement of a man’s treatment to his wife. But do we always have to reinforce the image of the bearded “mullah” husband as being an egocentric wife-abuser? The image that in Islam, women are always oppressed? Have we not have enough of that already?
This is not to belittle the suffering of women at the hands of these deranged men. I would know, having one such man in my own household.
But why don’t we ever write about the blisses of a “really” God-fearing husband, for a change.
Greetings Anon!
I appreciate the time you took to read the article and give constructive feedback.
It’s true that not all Muslim men are “wife-beaters” and we should definitely highlight the fact. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that domestic violence is one of the concerns in our respected communities. As a matter of fact, it’s a global problem, not a Muslim problem alone. The article wishes to highlight the number of men out there that use Islam to abuse and oppress women. InshAllah we hope in the future to offer solutions to these problems and to correct these misunderstandings.
Thanks for stopping by once again. It would be great if you give yourself a handle.
Well, She should have stood against this abusive husband since day one. A true Muslim will never lay a hand on a woman. Even If his wife made terrible mistakes he’d rather divorce her Ballmaaroof (peacefully). This is how we follow the Sunna.. By understanding the essence of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).. Sadly some people misinterpret Hadith to fulfill personal agendas or sadistic natures. Muhammad (pbuh) would never hit a woman or even scold her verbally. Good Work cindy. May the essence of Islam endure in our hearts.
Tarek said, “Well, She should have stood against this abusive husband since day one”
Why do you think she didn’t?
Perhaps she didn’t know her rights? Or have the support of her MUSLIM community? Would it be shameful to admit that she is beaten? Would anyone stand by her or believe her? What exactly did her abusive husband tell her to make her stay 3 WHOLE years?
Food for thought.
P.S: I am extremely overjoyed to see a male voice on here. This goes to prove that NOT all Muslim men agree with the abuse that happens in the name of God. God is indeed great.
Please join us again!
@anon: I remember when I first read this post I thought the same thing; that people or are Islamophobic or straight-up anti-Islam would take this kind of thing as a normal example and run with it. But the truth is that this sort of thing happens in our communities (in some regions of the US, for example, more than others) and these women, who need the most aid and support, are often ignored or stuffed into the closet. Their issues are ignored and so they suffer silently. It’s definitely something that needs to be addressed. There are a few Muslim women’s shelters I know of, but I don’t think there’s enough outreach programs available to help. Does anybody know of any?
After thinking further about the comments on here I would like to add. Why are we so concerned about what others “might” think? Frankly, I am more concerned to help an oppressed sister know that she isn’t alone, and staying doesn’t make her a horrible mother or wife. The cycle of abuse is psychologically draining. There are many reasons why a woman would stay, one of the many reasons could be the fear of losing her children or the inability to survive financially on her own.
Have you ever met a child, a product of an abusive relationship?
If “religious” brothers want to clear their name and “wife-beater” image, then I want to see more of them volunteering at women shelters, writing such articles and fighting men who are oppressors.
I am tired of walking on egg shells. It’s time to bring out the dirty laundry on the table.
My 2 cents.
Asak wr wb,
Mashaallah what an excellent article.The sister should never allow her husband to oppress her.She should talk to him when he is cool.If she doesn`t have the courage then she should seek help from her immediate family or from the people she can trust.She shouldn`t suffer.Check out this link
http://www.wafahouse.org/mission.php
Salaam
Wealykum as’salaam Peace Lover
Thanks for your input and resources. I wanted to remind you that this a fictional piece to help us as a community reflect on our needs, inshAllah.
Loved it! Can’t wait for the second part.It’s true, she couldn’t come *out* of the relationship probably she didn’t know what her rights were. Many of these women who suffer through spousal abuse are women who are mostly going through low self-esteem or there isn’t much support around her,either from her family or the muslim community around her. I know many people wouldn’t want to get involved as it’s a “personal issue. Anyways, am waiting for the next installment.
Right on, SF.
Remember the story you shared with me once?
Right on – where exactly was she supposed to go if she “stood up from day one”? So many women would be rebuked by their own family, be a better wife.
Excellent prose! I really like it. This is what is required – when Muslim women create a website we want our concerns, worries, issues, problems to be raised so we learn from each other and gain knowledge and information.
Muslims are human too. We have problems too. We have issues we want resolved as a community and family. I am so glad that finally there is a place where excellent Muslim women writers are presenting and discussing issues that many women face but are scared to raise in forums.
Thanks for this, Cindy. It may be fiction but it happens. You are a very good writer. Our community needs young and bright people you. Please write more!
Thanks, Suroor.
We both know who the goddess of all writers is
I was hoping you would remember that! LOL! Well, there’s some improvement since I spoke to you about it and guess what, things are looking better and brighter alhamdulilah. I guess she just woke up one day and said, enough is enough. Abuse comes in different forms, it could be physical or emotional but no man has any right to use that against a woman.
It makes me happy to hear that. I pray that she is safe.
Your piece reflects a true story in my life.
http://mezba.blogspot.com/2006/03/inspiring-true-love-story.html
As you can see, the girl was in a loveless marriage (and quite abusive too) and it happens, and she was kept in the name of religion.
I have often seen this play out when it comes to abusive women “take it as will of God and accept”. Thankfully, there was a happy ending to that story.
Mezba, another one of my favorite bloggers. Thank you for sharing your friend’s true story. You know? The story above is true too. It happens everyday, it’s happening right now–all in the name of God!
That gave me goosebumps.
One of the things that really irks me is that many times a woman is expected to dutifully stay in an abusive relationship, otherwise SHE is the bad wife, mother, daughter, human being. Often times this is even ingrained in the woman…she can’t and won’t get out because she thinks she will have failed at marriage. We need to fight this mentality where the woman is always to blame.
Thank you Summer for your excellent comment. You hit the nail. It’s all about CHANGING the mentality of women and society. Let’s move forward.
Bismillah
as salamu alaykum
This is what I mean (recognizing it is fictional) that certain traits come out during marriage and if the person doesn’t realize their weaknesses prior to marriage then this will be a battle that will cause serious heartbreak and damage to both spouses and future children.
I understand what you mean. Signs of abusive personalities are often hard to catch since they are so charming in the beginning and are known to radically change overnight. In addition, they might be controlling at first, but mistaken for being cute and happy.
What do you suggest a woman can do to avoid an abusive man?
as salamu ‘alaykum
I think the advice would be to find out about the relationships around him and how they have been. Finding out whether or not he was brought up in a family that had a lot of conflict, for example. Finding out from others what his reactions in certain situations were like may give a lot of clues. If it were me in single life again, and the brother that I was looking into admitted to me that he has weaknesses that he is working on and has hopes to better himself as an individual and his good qualities were quite clear then I would appreciate his honesty and the fact that he is trying to work on himself. That says a lot about a person, in my opinion.
You bring about the issue of engagement. How long should it be and will it help bring down the number of abusive marriages? Some people discourage engagement periods and recommend rushing into a marriage to not miss the blessings.
Bismillah
You said,
The khitbah (engagement) in Islam is simply promise to marry which, of course, is retractable. My question is – should there even be an engagement if the person isn’t 100% certain?
A thought that came to my mind regarding abusive men in the Muslim community/ Muslim women in abusive relationships is how we are to respond to it.
1) Have our imaams and shuyookh emphasize on the minbar what a crime this kind of behaviour is in the Eyes of Allah, and what the standing of it is in Shari’ah.
2) Have both men and women alerted/ educated/ made aware of the characteristics of abusive people, and ensure that everyone knows that such behaviour is NOT to be tolerated.
3) Create an atmosphere/ relationship of trust and support in the Muslim community, esp. between its leaders and the congregation. If anyone is in an abusive relationship, they need to feel comfortable, safe, and protected enough by their community to go to their brothers and sisters in Islam (particularly the local imaam/shaykh) and confide their issues. It needs to be known that the abusive person will be dealt with in the correct manner while the abused party will be protected and looked after.
Mouse, thank you!
But realistically, how many Masajid really apply your idealistic solutions? I’ve never heard a Khutbah on domestic violence or the abuse of women’s rights. When a sister visits the masjid, she is told to be “patient” and to please return to her husband.
How can we change this?
At Zaytuna in California, I believe it was Imam Zaid Shakir who organized a group of brothers to go handle brothers that were mistreating their wives. I don’t know if the crew he assembled is still active, but masha’Allah what an awesome initiative.
Since you are claiming it’s a crime, shouldn’t the police or law enforcements be involved as well? Should a Muslim woman call the cops on her husband?
Yes!
Always!! Not only my opinion but in Islam it is NOT permissible to “beat” you’re wife.
The Sheik said it is a problem that existed before Islam that’s why in the Qu’ran it was address as in “if they (the women you’re wives)”disobey” then “Wasribuhun” them”
which is translated into English as beat them with a stick.!
I am quoting Sheik Yaser Birjas “If a sister fears for her safety, well being, and or even life she should call 911″
The Sheik said that Wasribuhun in Arabic does NOT mean beat but gently tap with something the size of a toothbrush with out you’re elbow leaving your side how could you “beat” someone that way, you can’t; therefore it’s useless there is NO Domestic violence promoted in True Islam.
This was in his LOVE NOTES Marriage and family Life Class taught through Al Maghrib Institute which was awesome
YES! Definetely call the cops and let the guy know that you are not some doormat. This is the problem so many muslimahs are facing and they keep on thinking(and hoping) that the husband would change. I believe that if he hits you once, he will hit you again.
Thank you, SF.
I believe that too.
Cindy nicely done I was talking to afriend of mine tody who might be getting a divorce we talked about how in our arab tradition if a woman gets a divorce no matter what, people always blame her for it and it gets 10 times harder for her to get remaried,I hate to admit it but as a man I can tell you that until now 70% of arab men think that they are god’s gift to humanity and that god gave them the right to do whatever they want,but I still blame women for not standing up for themself,and specially now days,a man that hits a woman is worthless and should be locked up with no mercy.
Nabil,
I can’t thank you enough for taking the time out of your busy schedule to comment.
I do agree with you to a certain extent that some women have made it easier for men to oppress women; however, if we look at who controls the masajids, the Muslim voice, you will find men. When a woman wants out, she needs to go through hoops before she is taken seriously.
My own friend right now is trying to get out of her bad marriage. Her husband conditioned that he will only speak to his Sheikh friend and no one else. Unfortunately, he is friends with every person at the mosque. Her case is hopeless and I doubt she will be divorced soon. Who will stand for her rights? Where should she go to get help?
We need active men like yourself to be the first to fight such men and stand for their sisters’ rights. Imagine one of these women being your own daughter! Sadly if more people thought that way, we would fear God in our actions.
As to the divorced woman syndrome, I think although it’s difficult for some women to remarry, it becomes even harder once she is bound with children. I know a number of young Muslim women who married young and divorced. They had no problem remarrying, although their options might have been limited by the fact. I wonder though, when will we start practicing like the Prophet (pbuh) who made all women equal regardless of their marital status?
Divorce isn’t a crime, staying in an abusive, loveless and unhappy marriage is!
P.S: Could the divorce woman syndrome be a reason why women stay?
To your last question– I think definately. Women will stay to avoid the possible stigmas they will incur based on their status as divorced.
Also, I too find it interesting that people are more concerned with what others think about a piece of writing such as this rather than getting the issue out in the open and confronting it as a group. So it’s better to continue to hide it and cover it up to keep appearances clean?
Cindy, great piece of writing! It’s clean and descriptive, and to the point. There is ample description to understand what emotions and situations are at hand, but not so overly wordy that one gets lost in the text. Awesome!
Thanks Julianna for all your support. You know that I am all about displaying dirty laundry
Being a beaten wife, makes me a victim, makes me patient, makes me subservient to my husband, makes me honourable. Leaving him labels me as a divorced woman for life, a woman who couldn’t please, satisfy, control or tolerate her husband…as long as we see things this way, society will agree with us.
Imam Zaid’s initiative is amazing. I hope something like that could be started in all communities. Men dealing with this problem should be required and socially pressured by the masjid or shaykh to go into anger management before marriage or after incidents.
VA/DC/MD has set up a safe house for sisters…we need more resources for sisters in trouble along side the mental support.
http://muslimmatters.org/2009/01/30/muslimat-al-nisaa-shelter-our-sisters/
It’s all about the labels and those who are in power. Let’s work for change.
salamun aleykum
MashaAllah for the web page and the story …
one of my revert friend ( from ca ) married to a saudi wahhabi guy….
from the first day he start abusing her verbally ,
and after a week of marriage he started hit her.
she was a new convert mexican lady,she was obeying to please him,
i was crying when i heard her story.
sad part , he was worst , when she was pregnant.
may ALLAH help her.
It has nothing to do with being wahabi or Muslim. It’s about abusive men excusing their mental problems on religion and so forth.
Mashallah, this was a very good article. I just want to say that alhamduillah its nice to see that there are good brothers (walad halal) that believe no woman deserves to be abused, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. Women stay in these relationships for alot of the reasons stated but also if there are children involved. As an arab the saying goes “children break the mothers back” unfortunatly. Inshallah however all that are going through this get whatever help they can even if they stay in this type of relationship.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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