Beaten in The Name of God
January 26, 2009 by Cindy A
Filed under Women's Rights
Fictional Piece
I want to blame my mother, but nothing she would have said would have prepared me for the next three years of my life. He promised her that he would protect, love and cherish me. We were so perfect. Our union was for the sake of God alone. We pledged to build our new home on the teachings of Islam. We had dreams; we made promises. Happiness was in the air.
Ten hours post the marriage vows exchanged in front of my father and the respected Imams, my husband started beating me–in the name of God.
At first I pretended that nothing happened. Mother would call to see how her happy, newly married daughter was doing: “I am fine mom, we went out today. I love it here!” I learned quickly how to lie to my mother. I trained myself to hang up before I burst into tears and screamed for help. I always had a believable excuse on hand, “We are going shopping, Mom. Love you and talk to you later.” Mom believed I was happy; I wanted to believe I was too.
I can’t remember how it all started. I think I left the kitchen cupboard open by mistake. He slapped me on my face and reminded me that God created women inferior to men. And somehow I believed him. I remember running from the kitchen, thrusting my body on the sheets on the floor and crying myself to sleep. When I woke up, he was nice again. He apologized for his behavior and promised to never touch me again.
He would break that same promise for the next three years.
He grew out his beard, wore the Arab garb and said bismillah (in the name of God) with every sentence. Eventually the first slap turned into pushing, which later evolved into punching, kicking and verbal abuse. His dream was to become a Muslim scholar. He ordered me to work to support him while he studied the religion of God, Islam. His ultimate goal was for me to “better” my career so I would bring in more money as he slept all day. I could only obey.
If the food wasn’t ready when I got home after long hours at work, I was beaten and reminded that I could easily be replaced by a second, third or fourth wife. Sometimes when he had me in a headlock, and while I begged him to release me, I would pray that he would marry another. At least, I thought to myself, I would no longer be the only target for his blind anger.
I did everything to be the perfect Muslim wife. I listened to lectures, attended talks and sought advice of the knowledgeable. Nothing seemed to work. I cooked, cleaned, worked, studied and obeyed, yet nothing satisfied him. I adorned myself; I smelled nice. Yet with all the efforts, I was still a bad wife, a bad choice that he regretted. He compared me to every woman we knew; they were smarter, prettier and made better wives. The sad part, I started believing him. I blamed myself, could he really be right?
I prayed. But my prayers to God were all the same. I wanted to be a better wife for my abusive husband. I believed wholeheartedly if only I could become a more pleasing wife he would stop. We would be the perfect couple as the outside world viewed us. There would be no need to cover up the scars, the bruises or the broken dishes. I wouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep each night or endure the curses of the angels with every fight.
Eventually, I couldn’t handle it anymore. For once I gathered the courage to speak out, hit back, and push back. I had a speech ready. I had my demands on a list. I would threaten to expose him to the world that saw him as the pious, God-fearing brother of Islam. I wanted it to stop. Please make it stop. Anybody? The world. The neighbors. My family. Help.
But you know, it’s not that easy when you are beaten in the name of God. Who was to stop him anyways?
To be continued.
Photo Courtesy: Cindy A
(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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MashaAllah ukhti, this is an amazing post. This is a topic that is neglected and needs to be spoken about. To say the least, I can relate. May Allah reward you…aameen
Very well written.
But isn’t this exactly what Islamophobes are out looking for? I may be mistaken, and you may, in the next episode, be about to give the truth about Islam’s requirement of a man’s treatment to his wife. But do we always have to reinforce the image of the bearded “mullah” husband as being an egocentric wife-abuser? The image that in Islam, women are always oppressed? Have we not have enough of that already?
This is not to belittle the suffering of women at the hands of these deranged men. I would know, having one such man in my own household.
But why don’t we ever write about the blisses of a “really” God-fearing husband, for a change.
Greetings Anon!
I appreciate the time you took to read the article and give constructive feedback.
It’s true that not all Muslim men are “wife-beaters” and we should definitely highlight the fact. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that domestic violence is one of the concerns in our respected communities. As a matter of fact, it’s a global problem, not a Muslim problem alone. The article wishes to highlight the number of men out there that use Islam to abuse and oppress women. InshAllah we hope in the future to offer solutions to these problems and to correct these misunderstandings.
Thanks for stopping by once again. It would be great if you give yourself a handle.
Well, She should have stood against this abusive husband since day one. A true Muslim will never lay a hand on a woman. Even If his wife made terrible mistakes he’d rather divorce her Ballmaaroof (peacefully). This is how we follow the Sunna.. By understanding the essence of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).. Sadly some people misinterpret Hadith to fulfill personal agendas or sadistic natures. Muhammad (pbuh) would never hit a woman or even scold her verbally. Good Work cindy. May the essence of Islam endure in our hearts.
Tarek said, “Well, She should have stood against this abusive husband since day one”
Why do you think she didn’t?
Perhaps she didn’t know her rights? Or have the support of her MUSLIM community? Would it be shameful to admit that she is beaten? Would anyone stand by her or believe her? What exactly did her abusive husband tell her to make her stay 3 WHOLE years?
Food for thought.
P.S: I am extremely overjoyed to see a male voice on here. This goes to prove that NOT all Muslim men agree with the abuse that happens in the name of God. God is indeed great.
Please join us again!
@anon: I remember when I first read this post I thought the same thing; that people or are Islamophobic or straight-up anti-Islam would take this kind of thing as a normal example and run with it. But the truth is that this sort of thing happens in our communities (in some regions of the US, for example, more than others) and these women, who need the most aid and support, are often ignored or stuffed into the closet. Their issues are ignored and so they suffer silently. It’s definitely something that needs to be addressed. There are a few Muslim women’s shelters I know of, but I don’t think there’s enough outreach programs available to help. Does anybody know of any?
After thinking further about the comments on here I would like to add. Why are we so concerned about what others “might” think? Frankly, I am more concerned to help an oppressed sister know that she isn’t alone, and staying doesn’t make her a horrible mother or wife. The cycle of abuse is psychologically draining. There are many reasons why a woman would stay, one of the many reasons could be the fear of losing her children or the inability to survive financially on her own.
Have you ever met a child, a product of an abusive relationship?
If “religious” brothers want to clear their name and “wife-beater” image, then I want to see more of them volunteering at women shelters, writing such articles and fighting men who are oppressors.
I am tired of walking on egg shells. It’s time to bring out the dirty laundry on the table.
My 2 cents.
Asak wr wb,
Mashaallah what an excellent article.The sister should never allow her husband to oppress her.She should talk to him when he is cool.If she doesn`t have the courage then she should seek help from her immediate family or from the people she can trust.She shouldn`t suffer.Check out this link
http://www.wafahouse.org/mission.php
Salaam
Wealykum as’salaam Peace Lover
Thanks for your input and resources. I wanted to remind you that this a fictional piece to help us as a community reflect on our needs, inshAllah.
Loved it! Can’t wait for the second part.It’s true, she couldn’t come *out* of the relationship probably she didn’t know what her rights were. Many of these women who suffer through spousal abuse are women who are mostly going through low self-esteem or there isn’t much support around her,either from her family or the muslim community around her. I know many people wouldn’t want to get involved as it’s a “personal issue. Anyways, am waiting for the next installment.
Right on, SF.
Remember the story you shared with me once?
Right on – where exactly was she supposed to go if she “stood up from day one”? So many women would be rebuked by their own family, be a better wife.
Excellent prose! I really like it. This is what is required – when Muslim women create a website we want our concerns, worries, issues, problems to be raised so we learn from each other and gain knowledge and information.
Muslims are human too. We have problems too. We have issues we want resolved as a community and family. I am so glad that finally there is a place where excellent Muslim women writers are presenting and discussing issues that many women face but are scared to raise in forums.
Thanks for this, Cindy. It may be fiction but it happens. You are a very good writer. Our community needs young and bright people you. Please write more!
Thanks, Suroor.
We both know who the goddess of all writers is
I was hoping you would remember that! LOL! Well, there’s some improvement since I spoke to you about it and guess what, things are looking better and brighter alhamdulilah. I guess she just woke up one day and said, enough is enough. Abuse comes in different forms, it could be physical or emotional but no man has any right to use that against a woman.
It makes me happy to hear that. I pray that she is safe.
Your piece reflects a true story in my life.
http://mezba.blogspot.com/2006/03/inspiring-true-love-story.html
As you can see, the girl was in a loveless marriage (and quite abusive too) and it happens, and she was kept in the name of religion.
I have often seen this play out when it comes to abusive women “take it as will of God and accept”. Thankfully, there was a happy ending to that story.
Mezba, another one of my favorite bloggers. Thank you for sharing your friend’s true story. You know? The story above is true too. It happens everyday, it’s happening right now–all in the name of God!
That gave me goosebumps.
One of the things that really irks me is that many times a woman is expected to dutifully stay in an abusive relationship, otherwise SHE is the bad wife, mother, daughter, human being. Often times this is even ingrained in the woman…she can’t and won’t get out because she thinks she will have failed at marriage. We need to fight this mentality where the woman is always to blame.
Thank you Summer for your excellent comment. You hit the nail. It’s all about CHANGING the mentality of women and society. Let’s move forward.
Bismillah
as salamu alaykum
This is what I mean (recognizing it is fictional) that certain traits come out during marriage and if the person doesn’t realize their weaknesses prior to marriage then this will be a battle that will cause serious heartbreak and damage to both spouses and future children.
I understand what you mean. Signs of abusive personalities are often hard to catch since they are so charming in the beginning and are known to radically change overnight. In addition, they might be controlling at first, but mistaken for being cute and happy.
What do you suggest a woman can do to avoid an abusive man?
as salamu ‘alaykum
I think the advice would be to find out about the relationships around him and how they have been. Finding out whether or not he was brought up in a family that had a lot of conflict, for example. Finding out from others what his reactions in certain situations were like may give a lot of clues. If it were me in single life again, and the brother that I was looking into admitted to me that he has weaknesses that he is working on and has hopes to better himself as an individual and his good qualities were quite clear then I would appreciate his honesty and the fact that he is trying to work on himself. That says a lot about a person, in my opinion.
You bring about the issue of engagement. How long should it be and will it help bring down the number of abusive marriages? Some people discourage engagement periods and recommend rushing into a marriage to not miss the blessings.
Bismillah
You said,
The khitbah (engagement) in Islam is simply promise to marry which, of course, is retractable. My question is – should there even be an engagement if the person isn’t 100% certain?
A thought that came to my mind regarding abusive men in the Muslim community/ Muslim women in abusive relationships is how we are to respond to it.
1) Have our imaams and shuyookh emphasize on the minbar what a crime this kind of behaviour is in the Eyes of Allah, and what the standing of it is in Shari’ah.
2) Have both men and women alerted/ educated/ made aware of the characteristics of abusive people, and ensure that everyone knows that such behaviour is NOT to be tolerated.
3) Create an atmosphere/ relationship of trust and support in the Muslim community, esp. between its leaders and the congregation. If anyone is in an abusive relationship, they need to feel comfortable, safe, and protected enough by their community to go to their brothers and sisters in Islam (particularly the local imaam/shaykh) and confide their issues. It needs to be known that the abusive person will be dealt with in the correct manner while the abused party will be protected and looked after.
Mouse, thank you!
But realistically, how many Masajid really apply your idealistic solutions? I’ve never heard a Khutbah on domestic violence or the abuse of women’s rights. When a sister visits the masjid, she is told to be “patient” and to please return to her husband.
How can we change this?
At Zaytuna in California, I believe it was Imam Zaid Shakir who organized a group of brothers to go handle brothers that were mistreating their wives. I don’t know if the crew he assembled is still active, but masha’Allah what an awesome initiative.
Since you are claiming it’s a crime, shouldn’t the police or law enforcements be involved as well? Should a Muslim woman call the cops on her husband?
Yes!
Always!! Not only my opinion but in Islam it is NOT permissible to “beat” you’re wife.
The Sheik said it is a problem that existed before Islam that’s why in the Qu’ran it was address as in “if they (the women you’re wives)”disobey” then “Wasribuhun” them”
which is translated into English as beat them with a stick.!
I am quoting Sheik Yaser Birjas “If a sister fears for her safety, well being, and or even life she should call 911″
The Sheik said that Wasribuhun in Arabic does NOT mean beat but gently tap with something the size of a toothbrush with out you’re elbow leaving your side how could you “beat” someone that way, you can’t; therefore it’s useless there is NO Domestic violence promoted in True Islam.
This was in his LOVE NOTES Marriage and family Life Class taught through Al Maghrib Institute which was awesome
YES! Definetely call the cops and let the guy know that you are not some doormat. This is the problem so many muslimahs are facing and they keep on thinking(and hoping) that the husband would change. I believe that if he hits you once, he will hit you again.
Thank you, SF.
I believe that too.
Cindy nicely done I was talking to afriend of mine tody who might be getting a divorce we talked about how in our arab tradition if a woman gets a divorce no matter what, people always blame her for it and it gets 10 times harder for her to get remaried,I hate to admit it but as a man I can tell you that until now 70% of arab men think that they are god’s gift to humanity and that god gave them the right to do whatever they want,but I still blame women for not standing up for themself,and specially now days,a man that hits a woman is worthless and should be locked up with no mercy.
Nabil,
I can’t thank you enough for taking the time out of your busy schedule to comment.
I do agree with you to a certain extent that some women have made it easier for men to oppress women; however, if we look at who controls the masajids, the Muslim voice, you will find men. When a woman wants out, she needs to go through hoops before she is taken seriously.
My own friend right now is trying to get out of her bad marriage. Her husband conditioned that he will only speak to his Sheikh friend and no one else. Unfortunately, he is friends with every person at the mosque. Her case is hopeless and I doubt she will be divorced soon. Who will stand for her rights? Where should she go to get help?
We need active men like yourself to be the first to fight such men and stand for their sisters’ rights. Imagine one of these women being your own daughter! Sadly if more people thought that way, we would fear God in our actions.
As to the divorced woman syndrome, I think although it’s difficult for some women to remarry, it becomes even harder once she is bound with children. I know a number of young Muslim women who married young and divorced. They had no problem remarrying, although their options might have been limited by the fact. I wonder though, when will we start practicing like the Prophet (pbuh) who made all women equal regardless of their marital status?
Divorce isn’t a crime, staying in an abusive, loveless and unhappy marriage is!
P.S: Could the divorce woman syndrome be a reason why women stay?
To your last question– I think definately. Women will stay to avoid the possible stigmas they will incur based on their status as divorced.
Also, I too find it interesting that people are more concerned with what others think about a piece of writing such as this rather than getting the issue out in the open and confronting it as a group. So it’s better to continue to hide it and cover it up to keep appearances clean?
Cindy, great piece of writing! It’s clean and descriptive, and to the point. There is ample description to understand what emotions and situations are at hand, but not so overly wordy that one gets lost in the text. Awesome!
Thanks Julianna for all your support. You know that I am all about displaying dirty laundry
Being a beaten wife, makes me a victim, makes me patient, makes me subservient to my husband, makes me honourable. Leaving him labels me as a divorced woman for life, a woman who couldn’t please, satisfy, control or tolerate her husband…as long as we see things this way, society will agree with us.
Imam Zaid’s initiative is amazing. I hope something like that could be started in all communities. Men dealing with this problem should be required and socially pressured by the masjid or shaykh to go into anger management before marriage or after incidents.
VA/DC/MD has set up a safe house for sisters…we need more resources for sisters in trouble along side the mental support.
http://muslimmatters.org/2009/01/30/muslimat-al-nisaa-shelter-our-sisters/
It’s all about the labels and those who are in power. Let’s work for change.
salamun aleykum
MashaAllah for the web page and the story …
one of my revert friend ( from ca ) married to a saudi wahhabi guy….
from the first day he start abusing her verbally ,
and after a week of marriage he started hit her.
she was a new convert mexican lady,she was obeying to please him,
i was crying when i heard her story.
sad part , he was worst , when she was pregnant.
may ALLAH help her.
It has nothing to do with being wahabi or Muslim. It’s about abusive men excusing their mental problems on religion and so forth.
Mashallah, this was a very good article. I just want to say that alhamduillah its nice to see that there are good brothers (walad halal) that believe no woman deserves to be abused, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. Women stay in these relationships for alot of the reasons stated but also if there are children involved. As an arab the saying goes “children break the mothers back” unfortunatly. Inshallah however all that are going through this get whatever help they can even if they stay in this type of relationship.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Al salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah, Bismillah was-Salatu was-salamu ala rasoolillah.
Masha-Allah Cindy, this is a great piece you put together and after reading all of the above comments, I feel like everyone is on the right track. There are so many thoughts going through my head at the moment which I will try to get down so forgive the stream of conciousness.
An interesting issue to consider is that a man often isn’t born with such ill-conceived behavior like anger and hostility. Often times, violence and aggression is taught. In other words if the parents respond to each other with anger and hostility, then the child learns that that is the proper way in which to deal with a spouse. At other times, a child may be born with a higher degree of anger and lower frustration tolerance. It is at that time that the child is supposed to be taught more appropriate means of conflict resolution or constructive coping strategies as opposed to simply being permitted, whether implicitly or explicitly, by the parents to fly off the handle anytime a minor infraction is noted. Ie parents are supposed to be teaching the child how to take their very personality and be able to bring it inline with social norms and bring it to the “middle road” as the Prophet (S) instructed us.
Perhaps this is where we may consider starting – with parents. You know I love the fact that all these people are hear discussing the issue and bringing it more into light, but I am hoping that this forum can launch into an actual initiative. Perhaps in some way we can all gather our expertise and come up with an actual course, or lectures or talks that can be delivered in places where people are listening. Perhaps we can come up with actual khutbahs which I or anyone can can deliver the next time they are up there. Or perhaps we can teach a newly wed couple the coursework which we come up with. Perhaps we can learn about this issue so well that when we see parents enabling their children and teaching them poor anger management strategies, we, as Muslims with a new found understanding and “mission”, can intervene and educate both parent and child (ie on the spur of the moment).
Clearly my children watch me when I deal with my wife and ESPECIALLY when they are watching I exaggerate kind acts and my pleasentries in the hopes that they remember.
It is extremely important for us to target the currently abusive man and educate them but also the sources of the upcoming generations. So if I don’t deal with children on such a large scale, but there is a teacher in an Islamic school reading these posts, then perhaps he/she may consider showing a video of a husband beating his wife (very graphic but very memorable for kids) and have a discussion around the video. I’d love for us to move from “discussing” to “acting,” and Allah knows best.
This leads into a subsequent issue which is, how are we to identify the abusive husband or the abusive wife (as according to the National Institutes of Health an unclear but yet significant proportion of physical and emotional abuse is perpetrated by women on men), in order for us to be able to intervene and do the education? Entirely too often the woman does not come forward to disucss the abuse she is suffering for multiple reasons: One reason is that she feels she may not find the support she is looking for; another reason is that she may feel that “he is still a good man at heart” “he still loves me” “he is still bringing in money” “at least my kids still have a father” “what will I do on my own if someone takes my complaint to the next level” “after my complaint, what if they tell him? I have to come back home to him…”etc etc. These are examples of the psychology of the victim which an unsuspecting woman is often thrust into unwillingly. Some of the above thoughts are clearly legitimate like “I have to come back home afterwards,” but other thoughts are clearly less so. There are often signs which we can pick up on which can clue us into the fact that a relationship may be abusive and if we as friends of the family were not so scared of upsetting the husband or wife, we may be more willing to discuss “so akhi how is your relationship with your wife?” “How are things with your husband?” etc. If we arm ourselves with knowledge of domestic violence then we may feel more comfortable discussing such personal matters without being rude or feeling like we are peering into or probing into personal issues.
It is fascinating to read about the psychology of the victim and that of the abuser. For the victim one will find that he/she (for simplicity’s sake we will just say she) has at times learnt that from her mother (or he has learnt the victim role from his father) or has had to deal with abuse before. This abuse may have taken place over long stretches of time which can lead to learnt behavior of vicitmization in order to avoid the abuse. These strategies can then become ingrained and part of her personality (because that is how she was taught to deal with the mean and hostile world). So she takes that personality and applies it even to non-abusive relationships which can lead to an abusive personality picking up on these cues and thereby attracting him like a bear to honey. This can be to the point of actually attracting such abusive men over and over again and time and time again in a viscious cycle which she is completely unaware of and does completely unconciously. The abuser, as I said, has learnt to hone in on the victim, who may express to him her vulnerability, or her desire to fill a void in her life or something similar, causing him to swoop in as a charming but superficial rescuer. These men often cause the woman to “fall for” them by conveying to them fall hopes and painting rosy pictures playing to the hopes and aspirations of the victim. He also is often acting unconciously (of course there are those who do these things completely conciously but they are more sociopaths and pathological victimizers than just abusers).
This rosy, starry relationship is almost strictly limited to the “courting” period as both abuser and victim have an implcit understanding that the other party is still able to “escape” since no commitment has been made. Therefore the abuser continues to draw the victim nearer by continually upping the intensity of the “rescuing” he can bring and the vicitim continually draws the abuser nearer by increasing the display of vulnerability. They both want to alleviate the anxiety of being without one another (this has nothing to do with “love” or “lust” but rather an alleviating of the anxiety of loneliness). Once however the commitment is made and the bond is formed, then both understand that neither can escape and so the façade drops away and the true natures of both individuals come out. Yes, sometimes both people change slightly. At times the victim can start to show an increasing level of dependance which she may not have shown during the courting period for fear that she would have driven him away, and the abuser starts to become more abusive which he didn’t reveal beforehand for fear of driving her away. Clearly however, becoming abusive is inexcusable and clearly the true nature of the abusiver person is much worse and overshadows every other aspect of the relationship.
Anyhow, I could go on an on, but I just wanted to jump start some learning and help folks develop an insight into the workings of the abusive relationship. A word of caution please, these behaviors do not apply to every relationship. Clearly there are those abusers who abuse because that is who they are regardless of any other variables and often the only solution in that case is social isolation or remove them from society. Other men may have been victimized themselves and they end up taking it out on the first person they feel they have “power” over. This again is clearly inexcusable, but is important for us to understand if we are going to be trying to help these relationships and individuals improve. In other words, you can bandaid any gash in the body, but if you don’t stitch the gash closed first, no amount of bandaids is going to be helpful. So if we try to help the abuser understand the context in which he is acting, then perhaps that will put him in a better position to be able to draw correlations and reform himself – then perhaps some children somewhere will not end up without a parent.
I am hoping, again, that we all can come up with some talks or discussion points that we can take to our masajid or the halaqahs that we attend and use them there. Or even that we can put together into a flyer or a tri-fold pamphlet and simply start distributing them. If we START somewhere, then Allah will bless our efforts and by His permission we may be able to take it further, etc.
Sorry for the long response.
Thanks Dr. Khwaja for your insightful comment and expertise on the matter. We need professional Muslims like yourself for the next phase of the MuslimahSource project. We aren’t aimed only as a website if you read our mission statement. This project, God-willing, will be an initiative to start something real on the ground for Muslim women in America.
I love how you highlighted the importance of upbringing in all this. Truly it’s a vicious cycle that we must identify and conquer.
Thanks again for stopping by!
The community needs to be a support group for every muslim sister out there. It’s really sad when these things float by off-the-radar. A community that cares will notice that something is not right…
and IMO, abusive spouses need to be dealt with harshly, this cycle needs to be broken… a spouse is an amana from Allah, and everyone will answer to Allah with regards to one’s treatment of him/her.
and Allah swt knows best
Thanks Asif for your comment.
So we realize the desperate need. What can we do? Give me some action items, please!
I think a crew of Muslim men w/baseball bats would work wonders
Or Guy Fox masks and daggers ala V
I think they have something similar in New york.
hahahahah a group of brothers with baseball bats Nice! i had the same evil thoughts in my head when I read the comment about a group of brothers in CA to set the men straight! However on a more realistic approach most women “love” their husbands and do not want them beaten.
so unfortunately we can leave the mob like thoughts for those in the mob. As if this worked DV would not be as big of an issue because women would call their brothers (I would call mine if I wanted my “hubby” beaten) or cousins if this was the case, sadly there is no “fix” except education and trying to one at a time teach the aunties, uncles, and children of ours that this is NOT proper behavior nor is it Islamic or realistic to blame the women or to have women carry the “divorce stigma”
Will it be easy? no but InshaAllah if we all use the mouth and fingers Allah gave us one by one we can teach it to everyone little by little.
The first thing would be to work on getting more sisters to come out in the community and feel comfortable. I’m a fan of the buddy system which I think would work wonders in these situations. See a sister in the corner you don’t know? Go meet her and get to know her! (sisters only, let’s respect gender relations here guys
). For the men folk, we can do a much better job when it comes to bringing our mahram to the masjid. On both sides of the gender line, we need people to break out of their comfort zones and get to know people of their gender that they wouldn’t normally socialize with (break out of the social clic mode of thinking). inshaAllah with this people will be more forthcoming within their communities in bringing these issues to attention rather than feeling helpless/trapped/lost without anyone to go to. It’s almost like a “community watch program.” The best of such programs will have many layers, including bearded men with baseball bats when push comes to shove. 
Oh, and there’s something sisters are much better at doing than brothers: keeping records and notes. I think it would be great if people sat down for a few minutes with their journals and reflect on the new people they meet (keeping in mind the rules regarding backbiting, etc). This would work to build a new bond of friendship and it would also serve as a way to pace one’s self to make sure they are making a good effort in building a social network within the community (for the sake of pleasing Allah by bettering the community). Looking back and reading old entries would also motivate and encourage one to check up on these friends as well.
Salaam Alaikum I agree brother Asif so many times I thank Allah for sending me great sisters and for granting me the blessing of being able to easily meet and greet and the internet and phone to keep in touch.
However how many people get “lost” in Islam people hug and cry when people take shahadah and maybe reach out once and then Poof they dissapear? We do need to reach out and keep in touch (now don’t go stalking the person calling five times a day
but you know really try to say hey at least 2 or 3 times)
InshaAllah all of us reading and participating can take something from each other and implement it.
salams y’all
Some random thoughts:
1.) About the suggestions regarding calling the cops or having groups of impromptu vigilantes w/ baseball bats: it is a given that a Muslim person (man or woman) should behave properly in theory, because of taqwa and modesty. Lacking those traits causes many societal ills. Practically speaking, the fear of intervention by police is, at best, an artificial prop. It will collapse sooner or later as it becomes a game of brinkmanship where the abusing party dares the victim to call the police, and even if the victim does call the police, their resolve often falters or fails outright when the time comes. Being threatened by other male members of the community can easily backfire – the abuser simply has to call a lawyer or the cops about XYZ men who are threatening physical abuse. It can backfire further if the abuser [in this case the guy] gets enraged and views his wife as causing this dangerous escalation, and in the absence of third parties, he’ll physically or emotionally abuse her even more.
2.) Often the abuse starts because of a severe imbalance in the understanding or expectations of household duties. In some cultures, the man is not expected to do anything around the house, the woman / women do everything. In some subcultures [Egypt comes to mind] the woman finds it even insulting if the men do the household work because she feels partially or fully devalued. So if a boy grows up thinking the women must keep the house spic and span, wash all the dishes, do all the cleaning, etc. … then his expectations become unrealistically sky high. When the poor, tired wife has neglected some aspect of household work, those celestial expectations of his aren’t met and he gets disappointed, upset, mad, enraged, abusive. Forgotten in all this mess is that nabeyuna Muhammad [saws] used to pull his weight around the house a lot in cleaning, taking care of the kids, mending clothes, and so on. In other words, two partners sharing roles and responsibilities for the maintenance of their home. *** OH-EM-GEE what a radical concept. *** Breaking these kids of traditions takes generations to do, and a lot of work by community voices – media, imams, families, etc.
3.) I keenly feel the absence of chivalry which is such an integral part of Islamic behavior. A Muslim man shouldn’t be chivalrous because its fashionable or it sets him apart, but rather it should be part and parcel of his daily behavior inside his home and outside his home. If men understood that women are primarily emotions-driven, then they would realize the massive leverage that seemingly-small acts of chivalry carry. Simple kind gestures to the women in your family go a long way in keeping harmonious relations inside the house and in many cases they can lead to more satisfaction in other areas of marital life as well.
4a.) Another thing a lot of guys need to change is the whole obsession with marrying fresh goods. Relations with a young, divorced woman often have no measurable difference than those with a virgin. For many guys its an issue of misconceived pride: he wants to be the first and only one to have been with her. OKAY SO SHE WAS MARRIED BEFORE, BIG WOOP. If guys weren’t so insistent about this, then other segments of society would place less emphasis on it as well, and thus we might find that young divorced women (even with a child or two) would no longer have to face that troublesome stigma.
4b.) A lot of guys really need to learn how to honestly and genuinely feel comfortable with being around babies and little kids, including doing things like feeding them from the bottle, helping out with feeding them, putting them to sleep, changing their diapers, etc. If they honestly love kids and love taking care of them, then they would have much less problems when considering a divorcee who has a young child or two.
4a + 4b = less challenges for women who want to leave abusive relationships.
MAN UP.
allahumma salli 3ala Muhammad, wa 3ala aale Muhammad, ameen ya Rabb
MashaAllah! Very well said and so true! We women do think with our “feelings” for the most part
‘women are primarily emotions-driven’
What do you mean by this? It sounds sexist…
Women think emotionally more often than they do logically, and men think logically more often than they do emotionally. That’s the difference between the two genders in how their brains work.
‘Another thing a lot of guys need to change is the whole obsession with marrying fresh goods.’
I think it’s wrong to place the blame here. Very often brothers are free of these prejudices but, unfortunately, our parents aren’t. And if your mother has told you (as mine has)- ‘marry a _____[black/south Asian/divorcee delete as appropriate] woman and I’ll never speak to you again’, don’t you think it makes sense to avoid those groups?
You’ll notice I wasn’t talking about all men, just a certain group; the ones who specifically reject a sister because she’s a divorcee. Even though she’s of an appropriate age, deeny, educated, from a good family, good characters, etc etc
As-salam Alaikum,
I’m not quite sure what the purpose of this post is supposed to be?? Pick up any novel about Afghanistan and you’ll read the same garbage. Please Muslimahs don’t defame the religion more than it already has. Ignorance has nothing to do with being “beaten in the name of God”. Don’t put yourselves down by reading/writing this kind of venom. Muslim men, like Muslim women are NOT perfect. I can understand how this happens in third world countries, because of the widespread ignorance about their own religion and a sad affect of culture, and also how domestic violence occurs in Europe and the States, however our job is to share what Muslim men can, ARE and SHOULD be like according to the true teachings of Islam. Even if that means sharing stories about good Muslim husbands — yes THEY DO EXIST!
SO PLEASE, take down this article!
Walikom salaam I see why you feel this way it is hard enough being Muslim but hiding it under the carpet won’t help those going through it either?
Did you read the article? InshaAllah you did-if you read the comments you will see you’re point was brought up. We are NOT saying it is a Muslim problem or that Muslims think it’s right we are discussing what if and when it does happen.
Not preparing for a tornado does not make one go away, not talking of Domestic violence does not make it dissapear.